AIBU to have such a low tolerence for my DH's Nephews

[coodymow]

My DH has 2 nephews aged 7 and 13, he has always been v close to them, played an active part in their growing up, taking them out, spending time with them. Since we have been married I just don't like them, I find them rude and spoilt, they listen in on adult conversations and then try to participate as if they are adults, they answer back and on more than one occassion have been rude and cheeky towards me. They can be absolutely horrid to my toddler, pushing, shoving, hiding her toys and teasing her until she cries.

I know I am the adult and they are kids, I feel bad that I actually think this way about them but they just drive me round the bend, and if I only had to see them occassionally I would be able to tolerate it a bit better.

However they live nearby and we always see them, my husband sometimes picks them up from school, they have sleepovers in my home where basically they act like wild banshees tearing everything apart and snooping through my cupboards etc. I think my DH knows how I feel but he gets very defensive if I say anything negative about them (I refrain from doing that as basically it ends up in an argument)

Their mother (DH's sis) encourages the relationship because basically it gets her out of looking after her own kids, I also get the distinct impression that SIL's nose was put out of joint since my dd came along and my dh started to spend less time with her boys, to the extent where she calls my child spoilt if she sees my dh cuddling her or showing her some affection.

So in a nutshell aibu to really dislike these kids?, think of them as spoilt and want to keep myself, my child and to some extent my husband away from them and stop these sleep overs which serve no purpose apart from upsetting my child and turning my house into a complete tip, or am I basically fighting a losing battle and should just put up with them whilst seething on the inside?

YABU, they are only children. Do you tell them off when they are in your house because you should if they are misbehaving.

Stop biting your tongue and start telling them off!

They are children - if they are being badly behaved in your house then you tell them off.

If they can't behave then they can't come round any more. They probably know that you are biting your tongue and are playing you up in front of your DH.

It's great that your DH has a special bond with his nephews, but his own family comes first.

You sound jealous! Sorry! :(

Focus on criticising the bahaviour and not the person. Don't say they are horrid, say "please don't play so roughly with dd, she's only little". Then "How about you go out in the garden if you've got too much energy to play nicely?"

If your DH thinks you hate them, he won't listen to any criticism even if its fair, because he'll assume its all part of you hating them.

You have quite extreme feelings towards them but I don't know how extreme their behaviour is.

I don't think you can stop your DH from seeing his nephews, that wouldn't be fair.

However, I do think you need to have a frank conversation with him and say 'this bad behaviour has to stop and I need your support'. I think I'd leave this listening into conversations part (and make sure I don't say anything I don't want them to hear when they are around) but I think tackle the way they treat your toddler and your belongings. Have some house rules that you and DH agree upon (e.g. they aren't allowed in your bedroom) and that they are kind to their cousin. They break the rules, there is a consequence - perfectly reasonable. And at that age they shouldn't be trashing anything, they should be perfectly able to tidy up after themselves.

Get your DH on board, communicate (together) to the boys your expectations.

What SingingSands said

YABU you need to treat them as children in your family. So you have house rules and you make sure they are stuck to. You are in the role of parent - do it properly!

What iss wrong with them joining in a conversation? My DC do...why shouldn't they? Just because they're young does not mean they have no opinion. You sound jealous.

his nephews?
Aren't they your nephews now too?

You are obviously very angry about them, so tbh its hard to tell if YABU or not. But some things do occur to me.

1. "they listen in on adult conversations and then try to participate as if they are adults"

I would find this normal and this is how my DCs are. But we include them in conversations. I don't think this is being rude, but it is a different way of parenting than the one you seem to know. You may not like it, but I don't think you can blame them for that.

1. "they answer back and on more than one occassion have been rude and cheeky towards me"

Tell them off then and tell them its not acceptable. Kids will push the boundaries.

1. "They can be absolutely horrid to my toddler, pushing, shoving, hiding her toys and teasing her until she cries."

Thsi is not on and it is reasonable cfor you to say to your DP that you both need to challenge this behaviour and get the DN to behave.

I suspect your DP doesn't listen to your criticisms as your dislike of the DN will come across to him. It is much harder to take on board criticism of a child when it is coming from someone who obviously doesn't like that child.

Maybe you need to try and build a more positive relationship with them. So play with them in a positive way or take them out somewhere. But it is fine I think to say calmly but firmly - no don't do that.

I think YABU to want your DP to have nothing to do with them. They are his family and he is obviously very close to them. But you need to find a way for him to see his DN but you to feel happier with it.

i wonder if stepparents boards or forums might be useful for you? Although he is not their dad, it sounds like you are facing some of the same problems that a stepmum might face and you might get some useful advice from people who have experienceda similar situation.

7 and 13 isn't little and this is an established relationship, you may not like it but you are going to cause trouble if you go in all guns blazing.
I have 10 and 13 year old DDs, they are not quiet, they take up a lot of space and take a lot of interest in adult conversations.
Take a deep breath and decide on one or two things you would like to change such as being gentle round your DD and not poking in your things and stick to those.
Please don't discourage your DP from playing with his DN it's all good training for the future.

I agree that if you are being put in the position of being a carer to them, then you are entitled to enforce some discipline.

If you put up with it and seeth then that will destroy your relationship, IMO.

if you tell your DH that you are willing to see them but that rules need to be applied, and sit down and draw some up with him, would that work?

This is almost like a step-parenting situation - by that, I mean it feels as if your DH has an emotional connection to them which you don't share (am assuming there's no dad around?). Hopefully some step-parents will be able to give good advice.

Have you attempted to make your own relationship with them when DH isn't there? The problem seems to be that you haven't got the relationship and you are frightened of taking control.
I would get to know them as individuals, let DH take one out and leave the other with you and your DD. I bet they are very different apart. Also, it is your house-make ground rules and stick to them.

X-post lesley33 - I totally agree with what you say

Could they be sensing that you very clearly don't like them and acting accordingly.

Nobody really likes badly behaved children but I wonder if you only have a toddler how much experience you have of older children. I mean wanting to join in a conversation is umm pretty normal really isn't it?

I agree with everyone else, get together with your dh and agree on strategies to deal with the unacceptable behaviours, decide to let the less important things go (like others, I see nothing wrong with kids joining in adult conversations) and be firm about your boundaries.

I completely agree that they need treat your dd nicely, but remember that these are her cousins and by seeing a lot of them you're helping her to develop a relationship with them which she may treasure in the future.

I think you sound quite immature and jealous.

I don't. I think it's hard when you've got a toddler - older children can seem like great marauding apes. And if they are thoughtless or violent, that's not going to help.

Agree with the advice above, but also, although they are not great with your dd now, if you can handle this right, she will have a lovely and close relationship with her cousins as she gets older. They will be like big brothers to her.

Your dh does need to listen to you regarding house rules. It's your home and you are entitled to have your property respected and to insist they are kind to your dd.

You clearly resent their very existence. Getting in the way of your relationship with your DH and DD. And btw I don't mean that as entirely critical, as I was that way with the 2 dds of a friend of DH's when we first got together - they called him 'their spare parent' and we were always baby-sitting and spending time with them. Sheer green-eye in my case.

The thing is they weren't going to go away and as I didn't want to upset DH by stopping them having a relationship with them I had to sort it out for myself. So I started acting like a parent when I was in loco parentis - ie telling them off when they did something wrong, talking to them properly, explaining what I did and didn't want them to do. They are in their late 20s now and although I don't see them often i think we are friends.

That is what you have to do. Sorry but it is. You cannot stop them being part of your family because they are a part of it.

BTW some of what you said i din't find troublesome - children are brought up with different standards. Don't punish them for that, but do try to make it clear to them what you will and won't accept. But do it nicely!

It's normal for children to join in conversations, I'm not sure why you think it wouldn't be. It's perfectly OK for you to remind them not to interrupt though.

It's also normal for kids that age to be cheeky and occassionally rude, again though they need reminding not to do it.

You need to set fair but firm boundaries with them about which cupboards they are to keep their noses out of. Also that they are to tidy up if they make a mess.

The spend so much time at your house that they need to follow the rules when they are there. That includes not being horrible to your dc.

It's tricky though because you have probably already got your DH on the defensive about them as he must sense your dislike. You need to make it clear that you care about them (well I'm sure you must a tiny bit, at least not to wish them harm) so that you are able to suggest some household rules for them to follow which won't get his back up.

Perhaps take it one step at a time. Say being nicer to your dc or tidying up after themselves. In the meantime I wouldn't leave your dc alone with them as it's not fair to her.

The SIL sounds very annoying for her comments. I would point out to her that spending time with your dc isn't the same as spoiling them.

There's no law that says you have to like children just because they're children. FWIW I find my DP's niece quite annoying - she's a PFB only child who lives with her doting mother and grandparents, and is used to being the centre of adult attention all the time so is quite demanding.

You're going to have to live with them to an extent - trying to drive a wedge between them and your DH would be a horrible thing to do. But I agree with the other posters who've said you need to get your DH to agree what the house rules are when they're around: the interrupting thing you might have to put up with, but rummaging in your bedroom or bullying your DD aren't acceptable and your DH needs to back you up in stopping them.

It's great your husband has a good relationship with them but it does sound pretty intrusive.

I think if you could curb some of their excesses you might find them a lot less irritating. Rough play and rudeness are not on, that should stop. Sleep overs are very kind but involves a lot of work so I don't really blame you for resenting those, especially if the kids aren't good house guests.

Have they offered to have DD for a stay for equivalent amounts of time? Maybe suggest it, just to make the point that the arrangement isn't particularly even handed.

Older children are a bit of a whirlwhind when you're just used to small ones, my older nieces and nephews are lovely but it makes my brain hurt keeping up with them as I'm used to being able to lift the irritating child into another room if they're throwing a tantrum.

YABU they are children. But if they don't behave in your house tell them off. Some of the behaviour you have described is just normal childish behaviour. Next time they come round try and air down with them and your DH and set some house rules together, don't make too many or make them to strict.