AIBU to have such a low tolerence for my DH's Nephews

[coodymow]

My DH has 2 nephews aged 7 and 13, he has always been v close to them, played an active part in their growing up, taking them out, spending time with them. Since we have been married I just don't like them, I find them rude and spoilt, they listen in on adult conversations and then try to participate as if they are adults, they answer back and on more than one occassion have been rude and cheeky towards me. They can be absolutely horrid to my toddler, pushing, shoving, hiding her toys and teasing her until she cries.

I know I am the adult and they are kids, I feel bad that I actually think this way about them but they just drive me round the bend, and if I only had to see them occassionally I would be able to tolerate it a bit better.

However they live nearby and we always see them, my husband sometimes picks them up from school, they have sleepovers in my home where basically they act like wild banshees tearing everything apart and snooping through my cupboards etc. I think my DH knows how I feel but he gets very defensive if I say anything negative about them (I refrain from doing that as basically it ends up in an argument)

Their mother (DH's sis) encourages the relationship because basically it gets her out of looking after her own kids, I also get the distinct impression that SIL's nose was put out of joint since my dd came along and my dh started to spend less time with her boys, to the extent where she calls my child spoilt if she sees my dh cuddling her or showing her some affection.

So in a nutshell aibu to really dislike these kids?, think of them as spoilt and want to keep myself, my child and to some extent my husband away from them and stop these sleep overs which serve no purpose apart from upsetting my child and turning my house into a complete tip, or am I basically fighting a losing battle and should just put up with them whilst seething on the inside?

Is your DD from your current marriage?

You refer to her as ''my child''

Hi and thank you to everyone who replied, sorry I had to go see to dd (bedtime etc)

I should have clarified a few things:

I don't hate them,but I do resent the time and attention they get off my DH, if he decides to take DD swimming somewhere between him decising to do that and him actually going the nephews get invited to, so what should be special time between him and our daughter is not exactly that anymore.

When I say they listen in on adult conversations and then attempt to participate in them what I mean is for example my MIL will be telling me about something or another she wants me to do/or I should be doing (typical MIL stuff) and one of them who happened to be in the vicinity will turn around to me and say "yeah auntie .... why dont you know that already? in a very obnoxious way, to which he gets told by me that the conversation is between me and MIL and really he shouldn't be telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing. At which point said child will try to continue to be obnoxious despite him getting told off by both MIL and me. I don't mean they shouldn't talk to adults or participate, I mean talking to adults in a sarcastic inapropriate way.

Even before I got married to my DH I was aware of how important they were to him, so I would make an effort to include them on outings and spend time with them doing what they liked to do, taking them out, however the day after my wedding I found them in my bedroom looking through my bedside drawer (we were living with the inlaws at the time) and before I could say anything I was promptly told by my FIL that they have the run of the house and if I expect to fit in with the family then I would need to respect that and allow them to do as they pleased whilst they were at their grandparents house even if that meant being in my room without my consent (I did kick up a fuss, and yes me DH argued over it) he couldn't understand why I was making such a big deal.

I have spent time one on one with them without dh around, I do activities with them and generlally speaking when he is not around they tend to behave better than when he is.

I have expereince of older children, but I have to be honest and say obnoxious know-it-all kids have always got my back up. I have nieces and nephews of my own around the same age and a bit older and they adore DH but I have never ever heard them speak to an adult the way these kids do to me.

They have both parents, but in the early days their dad didn't spend a lot of time with them and DH did. Their dad has now realised this and does a lot with them, they do a lot of stuff as a family that doesn't include the rest of the extended family.

I have laid down ground rules for when they come over, but 9 times out of ten I spend most of the time whilst they are over at mine trying to break up some argument or another between them and my toddler, she is only 2 so it upsets me a great deal when they play games with her that she doesn't understand or they poke fun at her and laugh at her and she laughs along not knowing they are making fun of her.

My daughter has stayed overnight at SIL's house a few times, mainly when both me and DH have had to go away because of work or very early starts. In 2 years maybe she has stayed over 3/4 times tops. Whenever she has I have been told by my SIL that she doesn't know how I cope with the sleepless nights and dirty nappies, how I should have potty trained by now (this when she was just over a year old) and how she is really spoilt because she wants to play with whatever her youngest is playing with (this when she was almost 2). Due to this and because I recognise her children are older (and toddlers can be hard work) my daughter does not stay overnight anymore

Sorry for the v.v long post, just wanted to answer a few things some of you had asked.

ps: pls excuse my spelling it has been a long day.

If their grandparents will openly allow them the run of the house, then they probably are spoilt in many ways by extended family, including your dh. they are acting the way they have been trained to act, and that really isn't their fault. It's aown to the adults around them, so you had best watch out for your own dd.

I think you need to find something about them that you like and focus on that. I do not believe they are completely unlikeable, so there must be some good that you can see in them. You also need to take the advice already given about your house your rules. If you will expect your dd to adhere to certain rules, then there is no reason why you shouldn't expect every other visiting child to do the same.

I feel really sorry for you. Your FIL was way out of order and I'm glad that you no longer live with your ILs.

Thing is, if your dh was the kind of man to withdraw from these kids, then he wouldn't be the man you fell in love with.

That said, it does sound as if he is sometimes putting them above what is good for your own family. He should be spending time just with his dd - his nephews don't have to be included in everything your family does. I must admit, I wouldn't warm to kids who were not nice to my 2 year old and if they carried on, I would send them home until they learned to behave. A 13 year old shouldn't be mean to a toddler. That would get zero tolerance from me no matter what dh said. I wouldn't let dd stay with those kids at SIL's.

I think you need to talk properly to dh and tell him what you have put here. I think that when they stay over, it should be agreed with you first and dh should be doing some of the disciplining. I would make it clear to dh that if they don't respect the house rules, then they don't come. It's your house too and you are entitled to consideration.

I would also pointy out to dh that these kids have 2 parents already but he is dd's only father, so he needs to make sure she doesn't grow up feeling pushed out, or she will resent her cousins, rather than have the great big brother type relationship she could have if this situation is handled well now.

I do think there is an element where your dh realises that he married you and he should make some compromises. Also, it's not ideal for the kid's dad if he doesn't get to improve his own relationship with his dc, because they are always at yours. When you first posted I assumed sil was a single mum and dh was filling a dad's role. If they have their own father, then it might benefit their relationship id dh stepped back a bit.

Excuse my typos. One day I will read before posting

My husbands brother has two boys of a similar age and it wouldn't occur to me to refer to them as 'his nephews.' They're our nephews.

I can't work out how you are married and you have "my neices" and "his nephews". That's not how it works...

... unless they are your neices from a previous marriage (through an ex-H) and his nephews from a previous marriage (through an ex-W). That would explain it.

My husbands brother has two boys of a similar age and it wouldn't occur to me to refer to them as 'his nephews.' They're our nephews.

It depends on when you get together with their uncle though. If you meet a chap with a 5 and 8 year old-they are his nephews, if you then get married a few years later, it might be difficult to suddenly think of them as your nephews, too.

nope Appuskidu, I still don't get it.

This is sounding bad. I don't understand why your dh tolerates their behaviour. It doesn't bode well for reaching consensus on parenting your own daughter.
Maybe you refer to them as his nephews as it sounds like you have too little say into what goes on in this family.
After your last post I'd advocate getting much firmer about this, especially time dh spends with them and not your dd.

PS if a house guest was cruel to my child as you describe, they would not be very welcome in my house

I use the term "his nephews" to distinguish that they are my dh's sister's kids, when I wrote my neices and nephews I was talking about my sister's and brother's kids.

Just because we have married doesn't mean our families have come together also, in fact they are quite seperate, my family lives miles away whilst my in laws and my dh's siblings live a few mins away. The very socialise together and in many ways apart from when we visit them my parents and siblings have very little say or sway in how we live our lives.

My SIL and other inlaws do not class my sister's children or my brothers as my husband's nieces and nephews, despite this I still refer to the two boys as my nephews when talking about them or referring to them outside of this forum.

Thank you for all the replies, I know I appear to really hate these kids, I don't. I may get fed up of the way they behave and annoyed at the way they speak to me and treat dd but I don't hate them. Realistically I don't want to come between dh and the relationship he has with them, I wouldn't. But I do want my DH to spend more time with our DD and me, for us to spend time together doing things as a family that doesn't happen to involve these two boys all the time, I don't think that is unreasonable or horrid.

I will speak to DH again, I have tried on many occassions but it always ends up the same, he and I just see things so differently when it comes to this subject. What I see as rudeness or inapropriate behaviour he sees as a bit of fun, the telling thing is, DH has often commented on the same behaviour exhibited by other kids (who happen not be related) and has always been quite vocal about how out of order it is for them to behave in that way. So, in a way I know the reason he won't listen to me is not because I am being unreasonable about these kids but because he just doesn't want to hear any type of critisism (can't bloody spell!) about them.

sorry don't know how to multi quote everyone who has replied or added suggestions (first time poster) but appreciate the helpful words/hints provided by some of you.

what is the appropriate reaction when DCs cousins behave badly in our house?

We discovered the other day that 6yo cousin had taken down DD1's proudly displayed picture that she made on her first day at new nursery, climbed onto a chair to get a pen from a shelf which was supposedly out of children's reach, drawn all over said drawing, had a fit of conscience and screwed it up and stuffed it behind a wardrobe. This in addition to all kinds of general sulking, greedy grabbing of all the cookies or whatever, snatching of toys, refusal to share or join in on games, jumping on furniture hitting our 1 year old etc. etc.

Now big row ensuing with DH's brother (father to this little picasso) that we shouldn't have said we find it unacceptable and big toys-out-of-pram refusal to attend communal Xmas celebrations together.

I feel for you OP. It sounds like the whole family lets them get away with whatever they want to do, and at your and your DDs expense. I don't know what to suggest, it seems like you are fighting a losing battle. If your DH doesn't understand why he needs to spend time alone with his daughter occassionally and why you are entitled to privacy (re going down your bedside cabinet) then I don't know how you explain that to him!

I feel for you too.
I would not tolerate rummaging in cupboards, which is extremely rude, or unkindness to the toddler, under any circumstances.

Does your DH hear the 'don't you know that' type of comment from them, because I don't know anyone who wouldn't call that unacceptable. It isn't conversation, it is just rude.

It all seems a fuss about nothing. Get to know the nephews-especially on a one to one, rather than both. Have you ever sat down and played cards or something with them?
There is nothing nicer for a DD to have older male cousins.
Just put down the boundries-it is your house. Politely pull them up when they interrupt conversations 'with sorry-x was speaking-we will listen to you in a moment'. Tell them that they can't rimmage in cupboards.
However-you do need to make your own relationship to do these things.

rummage even!

And divide and conquer - can you have them separately instead of together?

One at a time would be much better-nice for them too. I have 2 DSs close in age and DH and I agreed, it didn't matter which one you had, they were much easier with one.

Your FIL was way out of line about them going through your drawer - they should have been told off for that. I can see your problem WRT boundaries, parents of children this age often struggle (just look on here!) but your DH doesn't seem to be taking your views into account much.

When we have visitors who I think might go snooping I lock our bedroom door. DH is fine with this. Then I don't have to worry that they are rummaging in my things.

Have you tried ignoring them when they talk rudely or interrupt? I am very firm with my own and their friends about this and make it clear in a nice way (I hope) what is and isn't acceptable.

I am a bit of a dragon though .

Have you considered possibly having a couple of the neices/nephews on your side over at the same time? If they are much better behaved, it may set a good example and also show your DH how much more pleasant it is for everyone when children are polite and have boundaries.

Or just have your neices/nephews over more without your DH's nephews- it seems as if your family is getting a bit sidelined here and if your DH never sees that not every child behaves in that way, he may believe that it is normal that his nephews behave in the way that they do and that you ABU.

Also, when your SIL calls your daughter "spoilt" do pull her up on it- it's not fair to allow the favouritism to start now with the boys being treated like little emperors and your DD being made to sit in the background. Perhaps say in a shocked voice "didn't you cuddle [nephew's name] when he was little, then?"

Have to say, I would not let my sil get away with calling my 2 year old spoilt, when her own kids behave so badly, without anyone saying anything to them.

The one at a time idea is great - may help each of them bond with your own dd, rather than ganging up against her.

I think you do need to be a lot more vocal and not let dh/his family walk all over you. remember that what he wants is not more important than what you want - you should both be equal in the relationship. Your dh already knows that you are not keen, so perhaps he should hear from you that you are unlikely ever to be keen unless he backs you up and insists that they stick to the house rules. Some of this has to come from him, because he is the one bringing them into your home.