To ignore my sisters partners family OCD and make no special effort

[Dirtydishesmakemesad]

I am going to my sister for 3 days at christmas (we do not have a car and its too far for much less than that on the train around christmas!). My sister and i always spend christmas together she invited us there this year and is really excited about us coming. Her partner has OCD, he is on medication for it his mother and sister also suffer the same and apparently his sisters two year old is now showing some of the same problems. His whole family will be spending christmas eve at my sisters house so we will be with them for the day as well.

I have 4 children ages 7 and under i will be 31 weeks pregnant my sister is 34 weeks pregnant. While i have no plans to roll my children in dirt and wave them at his family i am also have no plans to force my children to follow the "rules" either. My sister ignores her partners routines and the more unreasonable preferences ( socks are supposed to face the same way in a drawer for example - she tells him to sod off and do his own if it bothers him for example). His family she tends to accomodate more but tbh some of the things she has mentioned are ridiculous.

Just one example of many: after eating a mouthful of food the childrens hands must be wiped with a baby wipe then that wipe thrown away and the process repeated with a fresh wipe after the next mouthful. Its a wonder that her partners sister toddler hasnt had his face wiped away after two years of that i certainly dont plan on uses baby wipes after every mouthful that all four of my children take - i mean i dont have enough hands for a start. .

My sisters partner is ok we ignore his things he does and some of the more reasonable ones we stick to ( like the food he will and wont be near - w dont get things he hates for example) and i have coached my children not to mention things when he is here. His family area whole different league though.

One part of me says ignore it its not your problem, his sister will have to suffer my children who wont be sticking to the "cleaning rules". Another part says it IS an illness so i feel mean knowing she will be uncomfortable with the possibilty of one of my children going near her son (which they are bound to do if they play during the day).

Aibu to ignore the majority of the things which seem to expected while his fanily are there chrismas eve and just enjoy the da as normal with my sister?

YANBU

I would expect that they are all getting some help with thier condition and part of there 'recovery' (not sure what word to use) would involve being around people who do not follow thier cleaning rules. It may be hard on them but you cannot be expected to bend over backwards for them.

It must be a terrible condition (again, not sure of the right word) to have.

• thier

YANBU. I also think it's not healthy for the children for you to follow these rules as it normalises them. Must be very hard for all concerned though.

Presumably your sister has told her partner's family that you and your 4 children will be there during this period? It's up to them if they can't bear being around people who don't share their specific OCD issues, and they should be telling her (well, have told her long since) if it's just too unbearable for them, to allow plans to be changed.

Yanbu.... But have you been asked to do the baby wipe thing?

They do know we will be there but the implication i get is that they dont really understand that the rules they follow are not that normal. For example about the hand and face wiping his sister and mother (to my sister) have commented on how i manange it with four - obviously i dont but they didnt seem to consider it wasnt a normal everyday behaviour. I have no idea how they explain seeing other people not doing this unless they never go out.

Talk to your sister and ask her to check with her DH that he can 'cope' with your 3 day visit.
If he says he can, stick to your plans and be yourself.

I havent been asked specifically to do these things but it has been pounted out repeatedly to me that if i dont it will cause upset so no one has said "you must do this" its just from experience my sister knows that they do expect people around then to do these things and that it will cause discomort if we dont . If that makes sense,

Terrible post but hopefully you get what I mean!

Kitty he is fine we have been before he does sometime panic a bit but he gets through it and does on the whole seem to enjoy himself ( mainly because my sister does i think)

Good grief!! How do those poor children manage in school? Friends houses etc

Passing this OCD thing on like this is not healthy .. At all!

4 DC can't be expected to follow the 'rules' of someone with OCD. Are you sure you will be ok OP?

Please don't mess up your kids like this. Just don't do it

Well the only baby of the family is only two and doesnt go to any playgroups or nursery yet) as to how they will cope when he does i have no idea!. The sister and sister partner picked thsess things up from their mum so have had issues most of their lives really.

Just read your last post- if sister's DH is ok with you being there and you can cope with it then go! and have a fab time! :)

I am surprised that OCD is catching?

Poor children.

no wonder their two year old is showing signs. its because they think it is normal behaviour.

Just go about things as you normally would, if they say anything be polite and say, that is not how we do things.

It's not 'catching' but patterns of behaviour and thinking can certainly be passed on.

I'm a teacher and got a Year 8 student who told me all about her Mum thinking things were 'dirty' and having to be clean and the ridiculous lengths she went to. The student then made a massive deal out of having to clean her hands constantly, unless she was utterly engrossed in something/enjoying it, when it suddenly wasn't that important after all.

i'm not belittling genuine OCD and I do think there can be a genetic tendency to these sorts of anxiety/control related illnesses, but people can definitely 'pass on' these ways of thinking in children.

OP, I would just carry on as normal - it is their problem, not yours, and it will probably be good for them (and certainly the child) to see 'normal' levels of cleanliness. if they comment, you might want to mention the possible link between some cases of childhood asthma and overuse of cleaning products.

thechemicaledge.com/2011/02/04/new-risks-linked-to-asthma-rise/

www.nhs.uk/news/2007/January08/Pages/Willcleaninghurtyourbaby.aspx

I think that you can tread a fine line, like maybe an adult sitting next to his mother/sister than a messy baby not obeying the rules but definately don't start the constant face wiping.

It may sound a little cruel, but surely it would be better for the sister and her partner to actually see "normal" levels of hygiene for a change, so that they can see that what they are doing is not at all the expected way to treat a small child?

It may be a little upsetting for them, but if they are largely doing it because they've picked up from her mum that this is how you look after children, it might help them to see they are being a little odd.

Perhaps the DP and his family could ask their psychologist/doctor/whomever is overseeing treatment what is best? Whether it's better or them to be indulged or not?

It's all very well us saying don't follow their rules but it's a complex condition that needs careful management and you don't want to fuck it all up.

Ds1 has obsessive behaviours. We allow him to do most of them but certainly do not join in. That would be Sebring him all the wrong signals.
We want him to see average social behaviour, not help normalise his obsessions.

I would contact your sister, say you will not inhibit anything they do but that you will not layer obsessive routines upon your children at their young ages.

YANBU just do what you do at your sisters anyway ignore what the others do OCD must be horrible for people but i think you have to stick to your own routine with what you do with your own children , I do think they have passed on the ocd and the cycle isnt broken with your BILS familiy if his niece is showing signs , but dont rub your Kiddies faces in choclate but do your own thing ,

Some of these disorders have genetic components (current thinking suggests). Very difficult to test of course because you can't take the twins of a hoarder for example and put them in different houses. As well as the genetic component, there is the matter of children copying parental behaviour or that behaviour being 'normal'.

A lot of treatment will involve medication but also there has to be a controlled amount of exposure to the things that the person finds difficult. This should be manged (by a psychologist or other professional) because harm can be done if the person becomes more averse to the stimuli. For example, if I am phobic of spiders, try to touch a spider, then have a panic attack and run away, that is much worse for my phobia. I have to be supported to touch the spider if I can but maybe try to look at/touch pictures first if I am not ready.

So, it is possible your filthy children would be a great part of the treatment but only if they can handle this and it is managed. How do they pay for all the baby wipes? I wipe very little and still seem to spend about half my income on them!