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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell a friend that my dc is gifted!!!

38 replies

holidaysoon · 29/11/2011 00:11

I need to go to a meeting at school about dcs issues there are many!!!!
I have asked a friend to lok after my toddler and she has asked why what is the meeting about
I don'treally want to tell her because it is dcs business so Ainu if I tell her it is to talk about his giftedness?!!!
This is kind of lighthearted btw am just looking for suggestions as to what to say

OP posts:

LeBOF · 29/11/2011 00:13

Just say that you are going in to discuss his progress, as you missed parent's night or something.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 29/11/2011 00:13

Yes, do it!

DownbytheRiverside · 29/11/2011 00:32

I'd just say that you have stuff to discuss. If she's a friend, she won't ask any more than you are prepared to give. That's what confidentiality is about.
Unless she's just a nosey point-scoring woman. In which case, it's even more important that you only tell her what you are comfortable with.
That applies, whatever the subject matter under discussion, why do you think she asked?
To say 'If there's anything else I can do, just ask'?
Or to satisfy her curiosity and to be thankful or envious that she doesn't face the same challenges.

DownbytheRiverside · 29/11/2011 00:33

I've got one child with sn and one gifted, if that's any help!

Slightlyreluctantexpat · 29/11/2011 00:46

Just keep it vague. There will be so many more of these meetings. Some are good and you'd like to brag about them. Some you'd rather keep quiet. The older the DCs get and the more DCs you have, the less you want to explain them all to everybody.

thegirlwithnoname · 29/11/2011 01:09

Baring in mind my kids are like DownbytheRiverside children.

Your friend sounds nosy, she sounds as if she wants 'bad' news from you, so she can gloat! so you can either,
a) rub her nose in the fact your ds is not in trouble, but needs help coping with his cleverness, which while true is really not to be recommended and is certainly not a nice thing to do.
b) Go for the vacant, non commital little white lie and say 'oh, I missed a parents evening'
or c) and (bare in mind I have had to take ds as a toddler, and my ds has SN) take your toddler with you.
Me, I think I would go with C. Unless it is an educational tribunal, your toddler will not be in the way.
Because, she will be pissed off, if you tell her A) and will probably accuse you of stealth boasting. While with B) you could get caught out with your white lie in the future.

I have learnt after years of being an open and honest person, that people only like bad news, and they will beat you with any stick they can. That goes for parents of SN kids, (which is all, my kid has more SN than you) to the gifted kids, (which are all, ooh my dd got more A* than your kid at GCSE.)
Oh shit, I sound jaded and pissed off with life.

Actually, you know in your gut what you want to do, follow your gut.

hanaka88 · 29/11/2011 01:58

No name, 'my kid has more SN than yours'??? That's terrible! I've never ever heard that!

flyingspaghettimonster · 29/11/2011 03:45

I'd dumb it down. I got ostracised when the kids got the results of their testing back because at our school moms are apparently very competitive. Nobody talked to me for weeks and I hadn't actually mentioned my kid's score to any of them, only posted a facebook status for my uk family. I learned from that mistake.

IndigoBell · 29/11/2011 07:07

She probably genuinely doesn't know he has issues, and so genuinely doesn't know why you're talking to school.

Just say 'he's having a few problems, and school are being very helpful' or something like that. That tells her absolutely nothing, but explains why you're having a meeting and she isn't.

blackeyedsanta · 29/11/2011 07:19

for goodness sake don't mention the g word....

oh you know how it is, he's still having the same issues, so how is little johnny doing , is he enjoying (something johnny is good at) still?

MitziKinsky · 29/11/2011 07:27

Never uses the word gifted.

Never use the phrase highly sensitive.

Especially when talking to teachers. Always let others say these things first, otherwise you will be considered pushy/precious.

I think you should gently hint what the meeting is about, for example when you are having coffee with your friend afterwards drop into conversation " Mrs X really does know how to extend more able children's learning, she has suggested DS and I .........."

DownbytheRiverside · 29/11/2011 07:37

'Never uses the word gifted.

Never use the phrase highly sensitive.

Especially when talking to teachers'

Well, I'd want to know what had led you to the conclusion that your child was exceptional in some way, but that in no way implies that I don't believe you. Just that I'd like to know more, to put with my own observations.

MitziKinsky · 29/11/2011 18:01

DownbytheRiverside, I don't have a gifted child, but from responses I've seen from people in RL and on MN when people express a belief their child is gifted, the first response always seems to poo-poo the idea.

I have a highly sensitive child, and the raised eyebrows I have received when using the phrase to describe DS soon taught me not to say it. People always seemed to presume I was precious with him. He has diagnosis for anxiety disorder, and he has sensory processing problems, which I'm looking into getting a diagnosis for. The phrases "generalised anxiety disorder" and "sensory processing disorder" seem to be much more palatable. Maybe people like the idea of my child having a disorder.

NewsClippings · 29/11/2011 18:38

It's none of her business - don't tell her. It was nosy of her to ask, as you'd have told her if you wanted to.

A true friend will be happy to not know all of your personal information if you choose not to tell her.

Just give a vague answer "I don't know exactly what we'll be talking about yet" or "sorry I can't say, it's a private meeting" or "We'll just be talking about how DC's work".

NewsClippings · 29/11/2011 18:38

about DC's work

LeQueen · 29/11/2011 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

holidaysoon · 01/12/2011 10:51

Thanks guys
I suspect she asked as a reflex reaction if that makes sense her oldest is the same age as my youngest

as it happened she didn't ask again however the meeting was a abit of a waste of time since the other attendees didn't turn up (teacher was there obv but not the external people)

OP posts:

A1980 · 01/12/2011 11:07

No, don't tell anyone, especially not her. You don't know where your DC's will be in 5 or 10 years.

I say this becasue I was considered not particularly bright at primary school. My mum came home from every parents evening disappointed with me and I dreaded them. The teachers had precious little praise regarding me. I was useless at maths, I was slow, I didn't listen, etc, etc ,etc. My class had several smart kids who knew everything and got constant praise from teachers et al.

I blossomed post the age of 11 and really came into my own. I now have a degree and a masters and I'm a solicitor. I do very well, I get constant praise at work and I've really found what I'm good at.

The smart kids in my class, one dropped out of Uni and I don't know what she's donig now. Many of them aren't in very good jobs.

You may want to shout it from the roof tops as you are quite rightly very proud of your child. But you don't know what will happen. Pride comes before a fall.

And don't use the G word, most people hate it.

A1980 · 01/12/2011 11:20

^ Remembered one of my fellow class dunces who was also in tears over maths etc, is now a science teacher for 11+ children.

You don;t know how your children will turn out. Being bright in childhood does not necessarily mean a glittering academic and professional career and being below average at school does not mean you're destined for poor academic results and a job in McDonalds.

As most others have said many paretns wont want to hear and just to avoid any resentment towards your child, just tell them to mind their own.

omgomgomg · 01/12/2011 11:31

You could say that you are not really sure, school have asked for a meeting and you'll find out more when you've had the meeting.

You can still be very vague afterwards and say it was about his "learning style" and coping with it in the classroom. Leaves it open to her seeing it as good news/bad news /neither one nor the other.

If your child goes home for tea with a classmate straight from school, word will get round as I bet the bookbag contents will be scrutinised.

Fennel · 01/12/2011 11:36

As A1980 says, play it down because one day, when your Gifted Child flunks their A levels and your friend's bog-standard thicko sails off to Cambridge to read medicine, you'll be glad you didn't go on about it. It just makes sense to be cautious really.

Obviously some clever 6yos will be super-achievers all through life but there will be many who aren't, and many slow starters who do brilliantly, but who's to tell which ones will be in which camp?

slavetofilofax · 01/12/2011 11:42

If she's a good enough friend that you can leave your toddler with her, you should eb able to tell her the truth. If you are not a normally boastful person, then she will know that you aren't showing off.

My ds was on the G&T register at primary school, it really doesn't take that much to be on it. You can play it down just be telling the truth about it, so she knows that you aren't showing off.

lljkk · 01/12/2011 12:49

I don't think she's nosy to ask, she's a friend & friends share your life, right? She's not just a childminder, is she?

Responses that are based on truth without elaborating is what I'd favour, like
"He's a bit bored in class so I want to talk to the teacher how to get him focused again"
//or//
"They're saying he's very good at maths & I wanted to talk about ways to bring him on at home"
etc.

rockinhippy · 01/12/2011 13:07

as a Mum to a gifted DC since preschool - I'd dumb it down too, other parents can get very sniffy about such things -

I've never gloated or even mentioned DD status to others, as not my style, but I've have still found myself having to justify why she so bright to some other Mums who have picked up on it themselves - sadly as a result things like - "oh she's one of the oldest in class" etc have become my get out mantra got to admit as I don't boast, it can get up my nose as I can't imagine ever wanting to make the Mum of an SN DC feel as if they have to justify their DCs status - it just wouldn't happen

Just say you missed parents evening so its a "catch up" meeting & leave it at that

Tryharder · 01/12/2011 13:14

I think lljkk has it spot on.

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