I am being unreasonable (I think?) - but can't help it!

[Newmummytobe79]

My DH has said it's only fair his parents babysit next time we go out. Mine have looked after DC twice and DC has been fine.

Baby will be 12 weeks and will be at our house - not staying out.

I know it's only fair but I can't help the feeling of not wanting them to - just yet!

I know it sounds like I'm inlaw bashing but I'm not.

Both sets of parents are very involved and love DC but his parents just cuddle and push the pram - they havn't calmed, bathed or changed a nappy yet etc

I think it's because I'm so comfortable with my parents (obviously) and know they will only call us home if there was an emergency. Inlaws hand DC back when baby cannot be calmed.

DC is good most of the time and I'm sure they'd be fine ... I just can't help feeling niggled by it.

Do I just bite the bullet and agree or do I wait until DC is a bit older.

Inlaws are older than my parents and sometimes look nervous when DC kicks off - but they have brought up their own children so deep down I know they know more than us!

On a privacy note - I feel I'd have to hide bills etc as I have a feeling they'd have a snoop! But I guess that's another issue.

Tell me I'm being unreasonable - or that I'm not if that may be the case.

I think it's probably polite to wait for them to offer, unless it is an emergency. Minding someone elses newborn is a big responsibility, not something you put people under pressure to do. He does realise they don't HAVE to look after your baby doesn't he?

Hmmm just because they're your ils it doesn't automatically make them good babysitters. My xmil was a god awful woman and no way in hell would I have had her babysitting my dc. It's not about taking turns either, it's about feeling comfortable with whoever is looking after baby. Ils might not even want to babysit, they may be content with having a cuddle and handing baby back when the crying starts!

Yanbu.

YABU. Give it a go, and if they phone up a dozen times because DC can't be calmed, you'll have a cast-iron reason to choose your own parents for babysitting duty next time :o

The thing is they don't know we've been out twice already and the competitive grandparenting issue may raise it's ugly head ... hence his reasoning for asking them.

I've pointed out the fact they havn't offered (have mentioned looking after DC when older) but as soon as they know my parents have already sat, I just know it'll be a desperate rush to have 'their go'.

Just not sure if my reasoning is unfair as my parents make going out SO easy!

YABU. What's more,do you realize how bloody lucky you are to have two sets of loving grandparents who are happy to babysit! I would have given anything for such a privilege. Try counting your blessings.

Have they actually said that they want to babysit?

Can you start slow- couple of hours in the daytime while you shop/visit a friend and work up? I would want to see them change a nappy first though! My DM looks after my DC frequently, but the first time she changed my eldest she did not have a clue - because I use disposables and she didn't when I was a baby. My Dad, whilst wonderful, has never changed them and is therefore never left alone with DS for longer than a trip to the local shop.

Things have changed a lot sine they had their babies and they might just need a little guidance. I would hate to be uncomfortable with a babysitter, especially with your baby being so young In fact I don't think I could leave if I felt like that.

Don't get me wrong Clawdy - I do very much so know how lucky we are having babysitters!

That's not the issue here - it's whether or not I feel comfortable with it.

I do count my blessings daily - but still feel a bit aprehensive.

Don't mean to offend.

Just make sure that you are not far away, easily contactable and could get back quickly and go for it.

Where I can totally see why you feel more comfortable with your parents doing it because you are closer to them because I have been there you do have to look at it from the other side.
Your baby is your dh's child too and your parents are his in laws yet you ask him to feel happy leaving what is also his child alone with them it is exactly the same scenario for him.
I also think it strange you complain they hand back the baby to be comforted do you have any idea how many threads there are complaining people don't give back baby when it cries.

Like I said I have been where you are and know how you're feeling but 3 dc down the line I have learnt to chill out a bit and see it from the other side.

I don't believe YABU. Its not really about your parents vs his parents. Its about feeling comfortable with leaving someone to look after your very young baby. FWIW, in my case, I felt (and still feel) more comfortable leaving my dc's with my MIL as opposed to my own mother.

Tell your DH that its not a competition and that you would rather hold off leaving your baby with them until they have spent a little more time with him and the baby is older and easier to look after

They managed to raise your DH to adulthood, obviously fairly successfully. I know how you feel, we all do, but it's only a few hours.

Tbh I wouldn't have left my 12 week old with either GPs.

But, Yanbu, I have never left my son with my PIL but my own mother babysits often. It comes down to the fact that my baby has always seen my mum on a weekly basis.anyway and he loves her. Whereas my pil haven't made that much effort and tbh I don't think they know him well enough to look after him.

If you're not comfortable then don't do it.

It'll be fine

They have looked after babies before!

You are definately not being unreasonable!

My in-laws emotionally bullied me into letting them take DS out when he was 4 weeks old, and it upset me so much. I just cried the whole time he was gone and am so resentful they took him when he was that young. Especially as DP's close friend died in a car accident that week, so I was petrified of DS going out in the car.

DS is 14 weeks old and my mum had had him over night three times (when me and DP have been out for a drink and she has stayed at our house, but had him in her room to give us a break). They keep going on and on about having him overnight as my mum has and they think it's unfair.

It does seem like in-law bashing to say this, but it's not. In my mind, I know my mum and she's someone I'd trust with my life. DP's parents on the other hand, even though they're DS's grandparents, doesn't mean I automatically trust them, especially as I've only known them two years.

It's easy for people to say he'll be fine, but being forced to do it didn't help at all. In fact it made it worse as I am resentful I did it when I wasn't ready.

I think you need to talk to your DP/DH about it, and hopefully he'll understand like mine does, that he is your baby and you shouldn't have sacrifice how you feel to make grandparents feel better! They need to respect you as a mother and wait until you're ready!

i have the exact same problem... maybe we are being unreasonable, but i think it would be difficult to overcome this!

JAMW your situation is a little different though I wouldn't feel comfortable with handing my babies over to someone who had put pressure on me to take such a small baby away from me. But I'm also not the sort of person who would have let it happen. Ex mil was a little like that but I just said no. Not until she's older.
Like someone else said these people brought up your dh and turned him into the man you are choosing to have children with so they can't be that bad

Sounds exactly like "in-law bashing" to me,JAMW. You really couldn't trust your DP's parents? So sad. I am sorry for them,and you,with your hang-ups. And where in the OP does it say the poor in-laws do not "respect" her as a mother??

YANBU. There's no way that I'm leaving DS wih either set of GPs until they've shown that they can look after him properly - including calming when upset, nappy changes etc.

Recursive - presumably they changed your & dh's nappies ok?!

they havn't calmed, bathed or changed a nappy yet etc

lol. did they never change your OHs nappy or calm him down.

I would roll with laughter if my DIL had the cheek to say that to me!

It does seem like in-law bashing to say this, but it's not. In my mind, I know my mum and she's someone I'd trust with my life. DP's parents on the other hand, even though they're DS's grandparents, doesn't mean I automatically trust them, especially as I've only known them two years.

sorry but doesnt your childs father have any right to a say about how his child is raised? How selfish of you

I'm the same as tillyscoutsmum in that I feel very comfortable leaving both DDs with MIL, but would be reluctant to leave little DD (4 months) with my mum alone. Which I think is evidence that it's not (necessarily) as simple as IL bashing. It's about recognising who makes you feel comfortable with leaving your baby with them.

It helps to be able to identify precise reasons. In my case, it's because my mother is so neurotic about her own health, I'd worry that she wasn't as alert to DD's needs. Plus she has form for just sitting in front of the TV all the time, rather than engaging in any one-to-one interaction with the DCs.

clawdy What the hell could happen to my DS, if I'm only gone for 45mins for a trip to the shops. Nothing probably, & I understand PIL raised DP perfectly fine, but I don't feel comfortable leaving him with them because they are not people I'm close to (despite seeing them three times a week!). I dont see how making a mother leave her child with someone she's not close to and isn't comfortable with is beneficial for anyone.

Everyone always says how will you feel when it's your grandchildren but hopefuly I'll think back and remember how I feel now!

I'm sure when you have more than one DC you become greatful for the break, however a first child is the most special thing and you have a lot of time to obsess over things like this!

antique if you actually read my post then you'd see that I told the OP to speak to her DP/DH and hopefully he'd be understanding like mine is.

If you'd bothered to read it rather than picking out bits, you can see that by that I meant my DP was very understanding about my feelings and even he is more comfortable leaving DS with my mum! His opinions on raising our child is very important to me!

I think Tillyscoutsmum has hit the nail on the head - it's about feeling 100% comfortable. Which I don't - yet.

Antique - I hope you wouldn't hand baby back to your DIL as if you were scared of it. I want to feel that the people looking after my baby (who have children or not) can calm DC down. It's doubtful a baby would go a few hours without needing this and if GP's have done it with their own why treat baby like an alien!