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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is he being unreasonable?

73 replies

newfashionedmum · 27/11/2011 23:15

DP gets annoyed when I don't express myself clearly - if we are trying to discuss or agree something and i use vague language it frustrates him as he feels i'm not respecting his time and putting enough effort into thinking about what i'm saying. He gets quite confrontational and condescending in his language and tone of voice. I find it really rude and upsetting. Which on the face of it i THINK is really unreasonable - but the way he feels about it is that I'M being inconsiderate because I'm being sloppy with my language and I'm wasting time.

reading this back i think he sounds like a complete twunt. i think i've maybe misrepresented him a bit. But he does get really frustrated when he's trying to just get on with stuff and i (or others) slow him down. can anyone identify with him and say he's not BU?

OP posts:

workshy · 27/11/2011 23:17

I agree with you -he sound like a TWUNT who is speaking to you like a naughty child

step away from the nasty, controlling, bully before you get stuck with him

twoofus · 27/11/2011 23:20

what hes actually sayong is i'm way cleverer than you, you said it urself reading it back he does sound a twit (and am being v kind there)!

BupcakesandCunting · 27/11/2011 23:22

Hmmmm.

See, I am a bit like your DP. I know that I am being U, however. DH is very vague/scatty when it comes to details and I DO lose my rag sometimes because he'll get details wrong but expect me to know that he's got them wrong and be able to second guess what he REALLY means. It does annoy me but I'm sure I do stuff that winds him up.

If he is really upsetting you then tell him so. YANBU.

ViviPru · 27/11/2011 23:27

I think I am a bit like your DP

I'm very quite impatient and Mr 'Pru can sometimes dither on, it winds me right up, especially when I'm busy (time is money) and I get a bit eggy with him. I don't think I'm being condescending and confrontational, but perhaps it may feel that way to him.

Perhaps if he said "I know I'm infuriatingly vague sometimes, and I can imagine how annoying that must be, but sometimes it feels like you're being a bit condescending and confrontational which actually really upsets me" I would certainly make more of an effort to temper my behaviour.

BupcakesandCunting · 27/11/2011 23:29

ViviPru, your DH and my DH sound like two peas in a pod.

Mine is such a ditherer that I've taken to calling him Mavis Riley (after the infamous Coronation St ditherer)

ViviPru · 27/11/2011 23:29

Heheh B&C... I always feel quite kindred when I read your posts....

Original poster

newfashionedmum · 27/11/2011 23:30

its too late workshy i am already very involved - we have a long and complex history but in a nutshell we were friends for years and always had such a laugh together. Since we became a couple i've seen this other side to him. When we were first together he'd just come out of a really traumatic time and was very angry - he's worked really hard at getting to the other side of that, but there's still this stuff which pops out quite regularly and i'm just not thick skinned enough to ignore. We do talk about it but it doesn't seem to change - and i hate being lectured at by him about how 'i've caused it'. He genuinely feels like this though and is really hurt by me trying to tell him its not reasonable to react lkie that.

OP posts:

Original poster

newfashionedmum · 27/11/2011 23:34

do you think men can generally 'take' that eye rolling tone of voice better than women viviPru and Bupcake? Cos i find it really demoralising/infuriating, and i also feel cross that he doesn't try harder to understand me but just interrogates me instead. I wonder if I AM extra sensitive to it for some reason. I have never felt this or been accused of being vague with other boyfriends though.

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/11/2011 23:34

What do you mean exactly (yes I am aware in the context that may be a daft question!) by 'not clearly'? Or rather, what does your DH say isn't clear? Can you or he give an example?

I mean, does he just say you are not being clear, or are there specific things you're not clear about, or what?

I just can't quite understand the situation. I think if you deliberately/subconsciously dance around a subject, that can be irritating (eg. I know I end up telling my DH he's being 'untidy' when actually, if I think about it, I know exactly what it was he did that irritated me and it was leaving the butter out ...).

But I could also imagine that he's being a bit condescending, since after all how people express themselves is very personal and it is rude to expect someone always to conform to your preferences.

workshy · 27/11/2011 23:34

I am a bit touchy when it comes to people like your DP having come out of an emotionally abusive relationship and I'm still not 'ok' despite telling everyone I am

his reaction is not your fault, and nor is it your problem -it's his

BupcakesandCunting · 27/11/2011 23:35

Then come and sit on the Domineering Cowbad bench with me, Vivi

NFM, is this something deeper than him just being a bit snippy about your communication with him? The "you've caused it" remark suggests maybe it is?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/11/2011 23:36

Sorry, cross-posting but I don't understand this either ... what have you 'caused'? The rows? But surely if you are already arguing when you say something he finds vague, you didn't cause the row by being vague?

BupcakesandCunting · 27/11/2011 23:37

CowBAG! Although cowbad is apt...

ViviPru · 27/11/2011 23:39

I was about to suggest similar, OP, your later post hints at deeper resentments on his part which are surfacing under the guise of being impatient at your ability to articulate yourself....

While I might snip at DP that he's winding me up, I also readily accept that the breakdown in communication we're experiencing at that moment is partially my responsibility too.... but then I am massively fair-minded

ViviPru · 27/11/2011 23:42

arf - I was about to post 'oops I meant cowBAD' I think I prefer cowbad in a superbad kind of a way.

Sorry, OP, back to you....

BupcakesandCunting · 27/11/2011 23:42

NFM, I don't think it's a man/woman thing. It's an individual thing. If it upsets YOU, it upsets you. You don't need to justify why

It's a bit of a joke between us now, really. I DO get wound up but I'll make a joke out of it, like "Spit it out, Mavis!" He knows it's annoying; I've made incorrect arrangements in the past because of vague/wrong information that he's doled out. He's a grown-up as much as I am. I shouldn't need to check/double check names of pubs/times of concerts etc. Plus, he does go all around the bloody houses when telling me a very simple anecdote that could be abridged into say three sentences. I start going slack-jawed when he does this. He laughs about it. If he ever told me I'd demoralised him, I'd stop.

Original poster

newfashionedmum · 27/11/2011 23:43

LRD yes it gets very specific - its not me consciously tiptoeing around a subject - neither of us really do that. Tonight it started when i wanted him to show me how to sell something on ebay, he was in his computer on his pc user account, i said "we'll need to go in on mine" but didn't specify was that my computer, my pc user account, or my ebay account - it wasn't just that that annoyed him but more that it was indicative to him that i wasn't being efficient about this and therefore it would take longer than it needed too, and hehad a whole pile of ironing to do and just wanted to get it over with so he could relax.

Bupcake yes i'm sure it's deeper and i think he's projecting his anger/frustration with someone else onto me. But maybe that's me being unable to face up to my own failings and trying to pin the problem on someone else..

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LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/11/2011 23:44

I agree with bup, it's not a man/woman thing IMO.

DH is waaaay more 'vague' than me and it does irritate me. But I also know I have a responsibility to him to tell him how he is being vague, what I would like to know in more detail, etc. etc. I'm certainly not about to tell him his preferred way to talk is 'causing' anything ...

manticlimactic · 27/11/2011 23:46

I have no idea what the OP is on about.

Is he saying she's not using big enough words or is waffling when trying to explain something

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/11/2011 23:47

Sorry, cross-posted again.

I don't honestly see how that is being vague, what you describe. Surely he could just say 'do you mean your computer or your account or both'?

I hope you don't feel I'm being harsh, but I have to say, I would feel uncomfortable at his attitude. I may be wrong. If I'm not prying, can you say what happened after you didn't give him the information he thought you should have voluntered? I still don't see what you 'caused' really?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/11/2011 23:49

Also ... I don't quite see why you have to be 'efficient'?

Is the issue that he feels you often ask him for help when he's busy? If so that is a different issue IMO (though it may bother him and it could be he expresses it badly himself).

Personally, I would be quite annoyed if my DH expected me to be constantly perfectly efficient when we're at home ... I mean we don't work for each other, when we're in 'off duty' mode it's acceptable to be casual I think.

Original poster

newfashionedmum · 27/11/2011 23:50

manticlimactic - Usually its not using enough words, and expecting him to fill the gaps a bit maybe (though not consciously but just in the way a lot of people do),

OP posts:

ViviPru · 27/11/2011 23:54

OP I can actually envisage your computer/ebay scenario quite clearly happening here. With me as your DP. But I would only exhibit that level of acute impatience if I was particularly under a lot of pressure with work, or acutely pre-menstrual. And that's not to excuse it either.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/11/2011 23:57

I agree with Vivi - the scenario itself is something that could happen, I just can't imagine similar things happening repeatedly, without there being some problem. I'm asking questions trying to see if we can work out with you where the problem is, if it's communication or expectations or what ... not because I am trying to criticize you, or to suggest you are not giving enough information or anything. I'm sorry if that didn't come across.

Original poster

newfashionedmum · 27/11/2011 23:57

LRD it wasn't a row - but we then started talking about pricing strategies (how interesting!!) and got into this discussion about how ebays bidding process worked, i couldn't remember all the details but was sure of the overall rules, i said something that was either incorrect or not enough information and he just kind of started interrogating me, i felt backed into a corner that suddenly i almostwas ebay and had to explain my rules to him. This happens a lot - instead of approaching things with curiosity and a kind of exploratory interested tone of voice I feel as though he's quite confrontational and kind of challenging me to prove my position as being the right one. Unfortunately, instead of just saying 'i dunno' i find myself desperately trying to give him the answer he's asking for and getting in a bit of a state. Any way I just stood up and asked him not to speak to me like that, and i was going off to make DDs tea.

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