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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable?

49 replies

86pairsofshoes · 27/11/2011 21:28

Ok... So last time I posted here I was told I was not being unreasonable, but I was being very unreasonable by staying with my dp, and I should get rid.

Well we had a big talk, and things were slightly improving. Then his dad had a big heart attack and was in hospital.

Dp was devastated, he started drinking excessively (sp?) again, I didn't see him for a few days as I guess he was passed out at a friends. He really thought his dad was going to die.

I understood this, but I felt so wronged. After all he has put me through this last 10 years, I kind of went ballastic and shouted at him saying that if it was my dad I would still be looking after the kids etc, and he was out of order for what he had been doing. He started to cry and kept saying 'but my dad is dying, he is dying'. I feel quite embarrassed now how I dealt with it. He had gone awol for 2 days, came back and slept for 6 hours, then went out again whilst I ws running up and down (after the advice from the previous posters I found a childminder) doing the school run/childminders/uni. Plus I am heavily pregnant and I've had 2 bleeds and I'm just worrying and stressing.

Yesterday he came in apologising to me saying how I'm so great for putting up with him and how he doesn't deserve me. We had a chat, he said he would get up with the baby (nearly 1 and doesn't sleep!). So I went in the spare room with my ear plugs and I slept. I woke at 7 to take over with the baby and my dd- doing breakfast ect. I asked if he would just wash up (most of it his mess as he had cooked at night) before he left to go to the hospital. By 10.45am he was still sleeping and the kitchen was such a mess I just done it all. I was annoyed, I know he had the baby, but he has done it this once in about 3 months, he has done no housework, I thought maybe after the night before he would just get u for once and help. So I was annoyed and I told him. We've had a huge fight now and he says he is leaving, I am hostile, he deserves better, I don't care about him.

I'm so sorry it is so long, and I will listen to everyone, if I was unreasonable then I will apologise, try to make it work. But I am really thinking that I'm not, I was just so stressed, but maybe I could have handled it a lot differently.

OP posts:
QuintessentialMercury · 27/11/2011 21:32

Yanbu. He is using his dying father as an excuse to behave like a shit.

Let him go.

MissMerrynder · 27/11/2011 21:35

YANBU.

He didn't do it (the washing up) on purpose to engineer an argument that would mean you were the reason for his actions; ie: leaving.

There's bigger things afoot than a sink full of mucky pots.

thebigkahuna · 27/11/2011 21:36

Does he have a job?

I'm very sorry that his father is so ill but, sadly, people go through this stuff and they still get on and do what needs to be done in their daily lives.

AntiqueAnteater · 27/11/2011 21:38

his head is probably all over the place, worrying about his dad, his marriage, the coming baby

i think both of you need to cut each other some slack at this bad time

squeakytoy · 27/11/2011 21:39

YANBU.

A parents illness is no excuse for going AWOL on your pregnant wife and child. No excuse at all.

Original poster
86pairsofshoes · 27/11/2011 21:40

He says with his dad in hospital he has put life in perspective and he doesn't need me because I'm so hostile and he deserves love. I think maybe I'm in shock because I have put up with so much. I just don't understand. I've done so much for him. I thought maybe I had been so unreasonable that's why he has decided he is going to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
86pairsofshoes · 27/11/2011 21:41

He isn't working at the moment. I've never been so confused in my life!

OP posts:
Original poster
86pairsofshoes · 27/11/2011 21:42

Yes, I probably should have cut him some slack and not have shouted, and just left it in hindsight.

OP posts:
pictish · 27/11/2011 21:43

Talk about projection!

HE is hostile and YOU deserve love OK?

I have lived through the loss of a dearly loved parent, while they languished and finally died in hospital. It was dreadful but I would never have thought it entitled me to behave like a selfish cunt.

Let him go.

Backtobedlam · 27/11/2011 21:49

YANBU-no matter what's going on he shouldn't just go AWOL like that. He could have at least called, or said he was going away for a few days. When you have a family and responsibilities you can't just up and vanish. I'd have yelled at him to. His dads dying, which is obv. very sad, and you would cut him slack in other ways, but disappearing like that just isn't on

playdead · 27/11/2011 21:50

YANBU. He is using this as an excuse to drink. He is using you asking him to help as an excuse to argue so he can say you started it and it's your fault.
He sounds very very selfish and does not think of anyone but himself.
I hope you can value yourself more than he does and get rid.

Bathsheba · 27/11/2011 21:52

If he was genuinely worried about his Dad he wouldn't be drunk to unconciousness for many days in a row. What if the hospital phoned and there was an issue and his dad was dying while he was passed out at a mates...if he was really worried about his dad he'd be there for him, not passed out drunk.

Original poster
86pairsofshoes · 27/11/2011 22:00

The thing is, I WAS hostile... I was annoyed, I was tired. I told him he was lazy (in my defence, he is).

I think what has upset me most is that HE is leaving. He's done so much horrible things to me when he's been drunk. Threatened me, calling me a whore, telling me I was the reason we had lost a baby, he's locked me out of the house once, and told me dd not to answer the door. He is jealous.

I've done nothing, but get angry at what he does to me. All I do is look after the children, the house, get to uni. I may have not been all lovey dovey with him, which is what he likes. But I never done anything bad to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
86pairsofshoes · 27/11/2011 22:01

He drinks when he is upset/worried/angry. He probaby drinks because of me.

OP posts:
pictish · 27/11/2011 22:04

So let him go!

What use is someone like that to you? He's not loving, he's not caring, he's not supportive, he doesn't cherish you. He expects it all his own way to suit himself, and then turns on you when he doesn't get it. He certainly doesn't see why he should do anything for you!

Cheerio palski!

pointythings · 27/11/2011 22:06

shoes he drinks because he is an alcoholic. Nothing to do with you. At all. Ever.

Get rid, you deserve better.

pictish · 27/11/2011 22:07

How could it possibly be your fault he drinks??

He drinks because he wants to!

omaoma · 27/11/2011 22:08

you know what, you're right, you could have cut him some slack on this occasion. But the way I look at it: for a short period he has had a very small taste of the way he has repeatedly treated you, by the sound of it, over the course of your relationship. ie, in a time of stress when he felt he needed help and affection and a rest, he got the opposite reception. and he has only had to experience it once to be telling you that that type of behaviour is unfair and hurtful.

you have been in his position and endured that type of behaviour many times. even HE says that that type of behaviour is wrong and too much to bear. so i think you have your answer.

and i'm not even touching on the fact you are heavily pregnant, looking after a family alone, experiencing possible health issues, ffs...

and he does NOT drink because of you. please do not believe this.

Original poster
86pairsofshoes · 27/11/2011 22:10

He is very loving though- sounds funny saying it. He is like Jekyll and Hyde (sorry for sp mistake). Drunk he is abusive and doesn't remember half of it, sober he is very loving, lots of 'I love you's' 'your beautiful'.. He is also supportive, tells me I can do anything I put my mind to, all of that.

I have 3 kids with him. It's been 10 years. I just need to stop crying, and get on with it don't I.

I'm going to go with the majority and say I wasn't being unreasonable then.

OP posts:
stubbornstains · 27/11/2011 22:11

"He probably drinks because of me".

Nope, he drinks because he wants to drink. But he'd like you to think it's your fault.

Get yourself over to Relationships and have a read of the emotional abuse threads. They may very well strike a chord....

Original poster
86pairsofshoes · 27/11/2011 22:12

I'm just thinking maybe I haven't helped him enough, I should have forced him to go to AA, but he was so embarrassed we kind of don't say he is an alcoholic. He said it once and then was so embarrassed about it, and then I started saying no drinking at all, and he said I was nagging and I was monitoring him, so i kind of left it.

OP posts:
northernwreck · 27/11/2011 22:13

OP you are in an abusive relationship.
"Threatened me, calling me a whore, telling me I was the reason we had lost a baby, he's locked me out of the house once, and told me dd not to answer the door. He is jealous."
I have been there. Got the T-shirt. It won't change. He is destroying your self-worth, and dragging your DD into it.
Yoy need to get out, any way you can NOW.
No ifs, no buts.
Would you think it was OK if your DD was grown up and a man treated her this way? No, you would tell her the same as what everyone on here is saying.
It's hard, but once he is out of your life, things will get easier, you will start to realise how THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, and move on.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 27/11/2011 22:13

My ex DH was an alcoholic (not saying yours is) and he was a selfish twat too. I was so AFRAID of being alone with the DCs and having to "do it all" and "manage on my own" until I realised my best friend spelled it out to me that I was doing it on my own, he was just like having an extra child who was very badly behaved, unpredictable, untrustworthy, unreliable and violent. We separated and I never looked back.
You can manage, you are stronger than you will ever believe when it comes down to it, and you can do this!
He does NOT drink because of you. NEVER ever let him make you the reason for his drinking. I could witter for hours about alcoholism, but please believe me, I've been where you are and it is NOT your fault. It is HIM - think of the alcohol as a "devil on his back" if you like, but it has taken over, and the good decent man and father you love isn't there anymore. One day he might just possibly come back, but it's not likely, and it would be so harmful to you and your children to wait for day "on the off chance"...

northernwreck · 27/11/2011 22:16

"He is like Jekyll and Hyde (sorry for sp mistake). Drunk he is abusive and doesn't remember half of it, sober he is very loving, lots of 'I love you's' 'your beautiful'.. He is also supportive, tells me I can do anything I put my mind to, all of that."
It's called the honeymoon period-after abuse they are so loving and kind, and it is specifically designed to bring you closer in and stop you doing what you know is the right thing.
I am so sorry that you have had children with this man, but it, imo, would be dangerous for you to remain in this relationship.

winnybella · 27/11/2011 22:18

Hi again. So his promises didn't last, did they?

Get rid of this waste of oxygen. Please. It is NOT your fault. None of it is not your fault. You are NOT responsible for him and if he chooses to drink, to behave like a teenager, to being a worthless father and partner, to treat you with disrespect, it is HIS fault. He is not your baby but a grown man.