Was I unreasonable?

[86pairsofshoes]

Ok... So last time I posted here I was told I was not being unreasonable, but I was being very unreasonable by staying with my dp, and I should get rid.

Well we had a big talk, and things were slightly improving. Then his dad had a big heart attack and was in hospital.

Dp was devastated, he started drinking excessively (sp?) again, I didn't see him for a few days as I guess he was passed out at a friends. He really thought his dad was going to die.

I understood this, but I felt so wronged. After all he has put me through this last 10 years, I kind of went ballastic and shouted at him saying that if it was my dad I would still be looking after the kids etc, and he was out of order for what he had been doing. He started to cry and kept saying 'but my dad is dying, he is dying'. I feel quite embarrassed now how I dealt with it. He had gone awol for 2 days, came back and slept for 6 hours, then went out again whilst I ws running up and down (after the advice from the previous posters I found a childminder) doing the school run/childminders/uni. Plus I am heavily pregnant and I've had 2 bleeds and I'm just worrying and stressing.

Yesterday he came in apologising to me saying how I'm so great for putting up with him and how he doesn't deserve me. We had a chat, he said he would get up with the baby (nearly 1 and doesn't sleep!). So I went in the spare room with my ear plugs and I slept. I woke at 7 to take over with the baby and my dd- doing breakfast ect. I asked if he would just wash up (most of it his mess as he had cooked at night) before he left to go to the hospital. By 10.45am he was still sleeping and the kitchen was such a mess I just done it all. I was annoyed, I know he had the baby, but he has done it this once in about 3 months, he has done no housework, I thought maybe after the night before he would just get u for once and help. So I was annoyed and I told him. We've had a huge fight now and he says he is leaving, I am hostile, he deserves better, I don't care about him.

I'm so sorry it is so long, and I will listen to everyone, if I was unreasonable then I will apologise, try to make it work. But I am really thinking that I'm not, I was just so stressed, but maybe I could have handled it a lot differently.

Forgive dodgy grammar

unfortunately you can't force somebody to go to AA, however much you want to help them. i'm very sorry, it must feel like you're walking away from a lot but i feel you need to put a halt to this. i think the hesitation on your part is because you know this is a point of no return and i sympathise that you want to be really really sure before you do so. please get some RL help as well to help support you through this.

your partner will sadly only seek help when he's ready and in the meantime he's doing a lot of damage to you and your children.

Did he find a job yet?

How is his truck training thingy going?

I've had a look at the relatioship board, it was my first time, and I probably will post there. My head is all over the place, because i still believe he doesn't mean all of it? Like he isn't doing it by purpose. But it may just be me being silly!

Thank you again for all your posts, I do appreciate it. I will pprobably post on relationships sometime this week.

Hi, I haven't seen your previous posts, but from what I've gathered from this thread two things jump out at me:

Firstly, it appears that your DP is behaving the same way he always has, except that now, he has what he considers to be an excuse for it. So YANBU to finally have had enough of it and to have shouted, this situation has put extra pressure on you too, and you can only take so much.

Secondly, it seems like you have put up with a lot from him for a long time, you've possibly had grounds to leave all along but have tried hard to help him, and have tolerated his behaviour. Now he's threatening to leave you? I'd be pissed off too, and annoying as it is, maybe you just have to rise above it and say it doesn't matter who ends it, things can't go on as they are, so maybe being apart is best.

What I mean is, most of us would prefer to be the one who ends it, rather than being on the receiving end, but if the end result is better for everyone, maybe just try not to dwell on who actually finishes it. I hope that makes some kind of snese, and I do hope you feel better soon.

it's true that you can consider addiction to be like an illness, and so i suppose you could go from that the idea to thinking that abusive behaviour that results from an addiction isn't completely the addict's fault, but down to their illness... but it still doesn't mean it's right or realistic for you to have to just put up with abusive behaviour. if you're going to go with that line of thinking you could just as well say that, if he's ill, what he needs is medical attention, from professionals who know how best to help him - staying in a family home where excuses are made for him isn't the right environment for him. that sounds a bit harsh, i don't mean it to be. just trying to show you some different ways of looking at this.

you are a human being with rights to. he doesn't own them all just because he has a problem.

Hmmm... The alcohol is not making him do any of this. He is choosing to behave like this. He called you a whore and threatened you. I can't see how that is your doing. Please read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft (it's on Amazon). It's not about you - it's him.

Also, please consider what this is teaching your DD about relationships.

The first time I smiled this evening is when I read 'how is his truck training thingy going' and I smiled because it's not going and I knew he wouldn't do it, but I never said anything. I promise you guys that I'm not some silly woman, I'm the one people always come to for advice, I'm sensible, but I must sound like a stupid ditzy woman.

I'm so sorry because I keep forgetting what people are saying and when I read I want to respond. I'm in two minds wether to call him or not.

And yes I get very worried about what dd sees and may hear. I've also asked him how would he feel if any of his Dds were treated like he has treated me. I can't even remember what his response was.

"He probably drinks because of me."
"I'm just thinking maybe I haven't helped him enough, I should have forced him to go to AA"

He is a piece of work, to have you taking responsibility for his bad behaviour. Because he doesn't drink because of you - he drinks because of him. And you have helped him FAR more than anyone has the right to expect.

Let him go. He adds nothing to your life. He damages you, he damages your DD. In fact, don't just LET him go, attach a rocket to him to ENSURE he goes!

Calling you beautiful and telling you he loves you when he's sober does not make a relationship. I'm sorry, it's just words. He needs to be SHOWING that he loves you by his actions. Supporting you emotionally, helping round the house, looking after HIS children.

Oh 86 one day you will realise that it is more painful to stay than to go. When you do you'll be ready to walk out with your head held high. It can take a LOT to bring a person to that point, you can justify, and make excuses, and be confused and it's because you love the man he was/is when he's sober. It's just that after a while, that's not enough anymore. The drink is bigger than both of you, and it has him.
I walked with my Ds under one arm and a carrier bag of stuff in the other, and lost everything else I possessed. It was still the best thing, long term, that I ever did. It took a long while, and much heartache before I got myself sorted out, but it was. You and your children are worth so much more than he can give you.

Sorry Hun,
I read your last post a few weeks back, and I agree with the others here.
Lets look at the facts -

• He doesn't have a job (and no desires to get one from the sounds of things)
• Yes his dad may be ill, and it is stressful - but no excuse to drink excessively.
• WTF with him not coming home some nights ?! how old is he ? he needs to grow up and take responsibility.
• You already have 2 kids (I think ? sorry if I'm wrong), you're due to have another baby, you don't need 4 kids to take care of. You're busy enough !!

All the best and good luck for the future.

Well he is gone, and all his things are gone.. He's called me an evil, retarded bitch. Well I was rude to him, I won't lie. I told him to sort a solicitor out to see the babies because I don't ever want to see his face again.

He is 35 by the way... The way he acts, you would think he was 18.

I'm so confused at why he can't see what he has done to me, all the things he has said, and done, but why is it my fault?? I've done everything I can to 'normalise' him. He owes me close to 3 grand from all his failed career options, I kind of knew I wouldn't see the money back but he was so depressed, I just kept helping and helping and believing the story about one day he will be getting us a big house for us and the kids blah blah blah.

I'm just so shocked that he is blaming me... Really confused, but I can't do anything about it now. I just feel a bit embarrassed that I will be giving birth on my own this time round.

Oh love. Don't be embarrassed. I gave birth on my own-who cares as long as you and the baby are OK.

I hope you have a good friend you can talk to.

He is blaming you because to look himself in the mirror and see what he really is would be too much for him to bear.
If he was with another woman, he would be blaming her.

Don't waste your time trying to understand it, it's not you. It's him.
Good Luck.

blaming you is the much preferable alternative to listening to what you are saying and taking it on board.

darling i am so relieved he is gone, how shit for you that you'll be giving birth without baby's dad there, but really, would there be any practical difference between him being there and not? find it revealing that HE clearly wasn't bothered enough at missing out on the birth of his next child to mention that in his rants...

find someone who cares about you to be your birthing partner, as northern says. best of british. x

You should get down on your knees and thank god that he has fucked off.

Read your posts back.

He is horrible.

What hecate says. It may not seem like it today, but God knows he has done you the biggest favour of your life by fucking off.

Love to you OP xxx

86pairsofshoes He is emotionally abusive. Emotionally abusive men don't ever see that they have done something wrong. EVERYTHING is about them. THEIR hurt at how you've behaved, THEIR needing to drink because of you, THEIR suffering because of your inability to understand that they are always right.
HE will NEVER understand that he is in the wrong and you will always be the one who is in the wrong.
Don't worry about why he doesnt see how badly he's treated you, but rejoice that he's gone and you can move on with your life without walking on eggshells constantly.

Thank you everyone. Yes he is horrible but was also very nice as well. He was concerned, I said I was going to bring all his things out so he didn't have to come in and he was concerned over me being pregnant and carrying, told me not to do it and think of myself and baby. But anyway I realise I'm just trying to stick u for him. I need to let go!

Thank you all again, and deep down I know I'll be ok.

Its very easy to stick up for them when they're being nice again because the fear of walking away from someone and changing your life is a hard thing to cope with.
I'm sorry but you know it aswell as everyone else knows it- he is only concerned about you being pregnant and carrying because he knows from experience that you soften when he is nice to you.
Please when you start thinking how nice he is, have a rethink about all the bad things, even write a list of all the bad and read through and remember how he made you feel. You don't deserve to be feeling guilt or shame. He does.

"I'm so confused at why he can't see what he has done to me, all the things he has said, and done, but why is it my fault?? I've done everything I can to 'normalise' him."
I find a small grain of hope in this sentence. You recognise that hie is not normal.

So now what you have to do is accept that you cannot change him. He is what he is, and that's not going to change. He's 35 and has not progressed beyond adolescence. Nor will he.

Now you have the freedom to find someone who is 'normal - and nice, good company, loving, supportive. Most men are all these things - he is not. Don't look back.

The only thing you've done wrong is let him treat you so badly for so long.
Oh and let him come and get his stuff. You shouldn't be carrying things.
Good luck, and hope everything goes well. Get yourself a good legal rep asap. (For the 300 he owes you amongst other things).