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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Dh cant look after my poorly boy as well as me?

33 replies

CoffeeDog · 27/11/2011 11:18

My little man (3) has had surgery and is in hosital in London (about 2hr by train for us) i have been with him for 3 days and we have swopped as i was exhauseted last night - as wee man isnt sleeping very well........+ we have 2 more kids at home who miss me ;)
I want to go up again tonight and 'swop over' but he seems to think that IABU and that he is perfectley capable of taking care of him.... and has said he will be very cross if i turn up anyway, i was shattered last night but am much better after a goods night sleep.
Little man is very poorly and while i know his daddy will take care of him is it unreasonable to go anyway (the other kids are both fine with mum or dad)
He has said i can go up again tomorrow morning but dosnt want to see me before.....

OP posts:
MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 27/11/2011 11:21

It's not up to him......it's up to you. Only you know what you're capable of and I really hope your little boy gets well quickly and is home asap. xx

WorraLiberty · 27/11/2011 11:23

Aww I'm so sorry to hear that, what a shit time for you all Sad

But he's right of course, you should stay with your other children as they must be worried too and missing you.

I'd just wait until tomorrow and let his Dad take care of him.

Hope he's better soon.

Alambil · 27/11/2011 11:24

what won't help anyone is you burning out because you think DH isn't capable.

I notice how you don't say "I can't bear to be away from DS because it's breaking my heart" but "DH can't cope as well as I can..."

I think you should stay away - "your" little man is also your DH's little man and I'm sure he's more than capable of caring for him in hospital

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 27/11/2011 11:25

If you have had some sleep and your other chidren are ok with their GPs then go if you want to.

You shouldnt be kept away from your sick child even if your OH is doing it through kindness.

altinkum · 27/11/2011 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

callmemrs · 27/11/2011 11:37

Agree 100% with altin. Of course you should go if you feel you need to be there and the other children are ok. But it should be for that reason alone. Not because (as you state in the title) your dh is somehow 'less good' at caring for his child.
You are under pressure and it must be a worrying time, but please don't start believing that your sons father is in any way a 'lesser' parent. Its that sort of thinking which will have a negative effect on your children, as well as being very hurtful to their dad

shaz298 · 27/11/2011 11:54

Having spend at least half of five hears in the hospital with my DS, my DH spent only 1 night with him and I hated it. It was after a big sugery and DS had a central line and wasn't very well. DS had spiked a temp in the night my DH told me next day (always take my own thermometer to save waiting for hours on someone coming to check when you ask them to). Asked DH what the nurses said. His response, ' Don't know I didn't tell them!'!! Well that was his first and last time...............

IMO and my experienced opinion, no your DH cannot look after your son the way you could. Not to say he won't do a good job, he just won't do it the way you do.

Hugs to you and your DS. Hope he is better soon xxx

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 27/11/2011 12:00

shaz I have to admit that was my experience with my OH too. But I need to take some responsiblity for that because I sheltered him from the realities of caring for a sick child in hospital.

He didnt become the parent that I did because he wasnt forced into the role the way I was.
Some of it was down to personality but mostly he didnt 'get' that if you didnt wave HB levels under the nose of young, inexperienced junior doctors DD wouldnt get her transfusion until far too late. Or that if you didnt remind EVERY single member of staff about allergies etc they would not automatically know.

If he started at the same time and at the same level as I did he would have been just as capable.

ShengdanRoad · 27/11/2011 13:47

Unless he is a dwarf, he is not your "little man" - he is your son.

shaz298 · 27/11/2011 15:30

Shengdan??? I often refer to my son as my little man too! I think you'll find it's quite common and even if OP's DS did live with ( as opposed to suffer from) Dwarfism, technically he still wouldn't be a little man because he is only 3. SO I'm not getting your point.

MrsDevere: You are oh so right and I agree 100%. Still means I do it better so I'm the best one to be there.....am I a control freak or what?? I am! That what having a very sick child will do to a person ....lol

WidowWadman · 27/11/2011 15:37

mumbling

Why do you think it's not up to him, but only OP can call the shots? Maybe he just wants to be with his poorly child, and I don't see why he should want that any less than the OP?

I find the insinuation that he won't be as capable frankly insulting. Unless the child explicitely wants Daddy to go so Mummy can come I can't see any reason why a father can't look after his poorly child as well as the mother

pictish · 27/11/2011 15:40

Shengdan what the hell does the IOP's nickname for her son have to do with this?! Go away if you have nothing to offer other than sniping over trivial crap.

OP - I think you should leave your dh to it and spend a little time with your other kids. Of course he is capable of looking after your wee son.
I certainly hope he feels better soon xxx

FabbyChic · 27/11/2011 15:53

Id go tomorrow he clearly wants to spend time with his son and you are there more than he is. Let him be a father and go tomorrow.

Listzilla · 27/11/2011 15:54

ShengdanRoad, most people I know refer to theier sons as 'little man' occasionally, and I've been known to do it myself to my own, who hasn't even been born yet. There's nothing wrong with it! In fact, I call my DD Squishy even though she's the same texture as any other 17 month old! How shocking!

OP, I understand your feelings, I really do; I sometimes end up getting up in the middle of the night when DH is dealing with DD because I feel I can soothe her better. But I'm starting to realise that if I don't leave him to it, he'll never learn, and he deserves a chance to work out his own relationship with her in his own way. She's his DD as well as mine. Maybe you should let your DH have this chance?

herbietea · 27/11/2011 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MollyTheMole · 27/11/2011 16:22

Shengan - I call DS1 "mate" but he is not my mate, he is my son. Anyway why am I bothering with this??! Biscuit

OP Id go tomorrow, agree with pps that your other children must feel a bit bewildered with all of the tooing and froing. I know what you mean in that sometimes only Mum is able to make kids feel better but you have been there and will be there tomorrow. Also you'll be no good if you are knackered so take the time to recharge fully and see your lil man tomorrow and take him a little treat or something. Hope he feels better soon Smile

SoupDragon · 27/11/2011 16:25

Let your DH look after his son.

Backtobedlam · 27/11/2011 16:27

I can understand why you want to be there-I'd be exactly the same with my ds. I'm sure he will be fine with dh and he is capable of looking after him, but if it makes you feel better go. There's no point being at home worrying and upset, you'd be better off to leave other children with the gp's, who will spoil them rotten and have a lovely time, and be with your ds/dh. Hope your little boy gets well soon xx

Andrewofgg · 27/11/2011 16:28

How do you think widowed fathers with sick children manage?

But they do.

maybenow · 27/11/2011 16:28

your poor DH must have been missing your son and worried about him and just wants to take his turn, please respect that and spend one more night with your other two children before going back to the hospital.

Sirzy · 27/11/2011 16:30

If due to childcare issues only one of you can be there at a time then surely it's only "fair" that the time is split equally? Is it really fair on your dh to not be able to be there as much because you want to?

Hope he makes a quick recovery and is home soon.

ll31 · 27/11/2011 16:31

maybe ur dh is slightly insulted at insinuation he can't look after his own son.. truthfully I think once he's a parent withhim he's being looked after

RetroMuff · 27/11/2011 16:38

I can appreciate how worried you are and how much you miss your little boy but his dad can and will look after him. Your other children need you too.

When my DD was in hospital for two months, I stayed with her but came home twice a week to be with my other DCs. And my DD needed her dad too.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 27/11/2011 16:55

I think some posters would do well to remember the OP has a very sick child.

That is a polite way of telling you to shut the fuck up if you havent anything constructive to say.

OP. The chances are that you OH can look after your DS as well as you. I totally understand your feelings (and I understand shaz's as well Smile) but it really is better to share the care of your child.

If you dont it can lead to real difficulties. Because I tried to shelter my OH from the horrible, awful stuff that went on when my DD was ill, he never really understood what looking after her was like.

He thought I sat around reading and watching tv all day whilst he worked and look after the other DCs. So when he spent a few hours with DD he wouldnt bother clearing up after himself and I went home to a filthy house.

I thought he was a selfish twat for doing it, he thought I should be doing my 'share' whilst he had a rest at the hospital.

If I got upset and called him from the hospital he thought I was being a drama queen because as far as he knew hospital meant my DD lying in bed and having her temp taken. He just didnt see the stuff I did.

I did it to protect him. I ended up with PTSD and a DS who told me I had abandoned him Sad

Share the care, spend time with your other DCs.

But if you really cannot bear to be away from you DS you have every right to go to him. But not because you OH isnt capable. Because you need to be with your son and that is perfectly understandable.

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 27/11/2011 17:00

I am sure your DH is doing just fine, and has as much right to be there as you do

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