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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my ex cares more about pissing me off than looking after his kids

26 replies

workshy · 26/11/2011 23:53

we are trying to sort out maintainance and it's not going well

he has just informed me that he has just joined the pension scheme at work so obviously he now won't be able to agree as much money as he has less net income
I've just checked and he is absolutely correct

what an absolute t*@t!!!!!!

I can't afford to pay into my company pension scheme ffs

I also can't afford to let the kids continue in swimming lessons, take them on holiday, buy them new clothes (it's a good job I've got a niece 2 yrs older than DD1 and I have 2 girls!)

the only outgoings he has is his car ffs and he dresses in branded clothes all the time -he could easily afford to pay and it is pissing me right off

also he has spent £150 on them each for crimbo but on nothing useful -like a coat or a pair of shoes!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 26/11/2011 23:57

I would consider things like swimming lessons as extras on top of their general maintenance. And as their father, he should be paying at least half.

Are you going through the CSA?

Original poster

workshy · 26/11/2011 23:59

will be doing as we can't come to any sort of agreement -in 20 months he has given me £500, and that included contributions to last year's birthday and christmas presents!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 27/11/2011 00:00

I think you have to. He cant exactly duck out of it if he is contributing to a work pension fund, he will have to pay at least what the law says he has to.

If he has behaved like this for nearly 2 years, he isnt going to improve.

LineRunnerSaturnalia · 27/11/2011 00:04

Mine's the same.

He pays £35 per week for each (teenage) child, despite having a very well paid job.

He's even asked them for vouchers for his favourite designer clothes shop for Christmas.

They think he's a twat.

Original poster

workshy · 27/11/2011 00:04

didn't push it as he was having the kids quite alot -this has dropped to 2 nights every fortnight so my childcare bill has gone through the roof and my tax credits have actually dropped for some unfathomable reason

he knows all this but seems to think that because I earn more than him he doesn't need to pay anything

OP posts:

LineRunnerSaturnalia · 27/11/2011 00:07

MIne can barely manage to see his own DCs once a month. He's too busy swanning around seeing bands in London and having weekends in Prague and Naples.

My tax credits have dropped, too.

He asked me to help pay towards his Christmas present for his DS.

Original poster

workshy · 27/11/2011 00:10

he had them for 2 weeks in the summer and asked if I was going to give him some money -I said 'yes when you give me some money for the other 50 weeks of the year I have them!'

OP posts:

LineRunnerSaturnalia · 27/11/2011 00:10

Sorry, workshy, the point of my posts being that you are not alone, and you either have to play along or play hardball. It really depends on your circumstances and whether your children need that relationship with their father or not. I may have pegged it wrong but I went for playing along and wish I hadn't. But I also didn't trust the CSA not to fuck up the voluntary agreement where at least my DCs got some financial support from their errant father.

Original poster

workshy · 27/11/2011 00:16

I've been playing along so far (because I could manage without his financial support) I still can but it's tight and treats have gone out of the window

I need him to keep up the weekend arangements so I can work -or I move closer to my parents so that they can have them and I can play hardball but the house has dropped 10k since I bought it off him last year so I'm reluctant to sell up (I'm not in negative equity but still bloody anoying)

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 27/11/2011 00:18

Sounds like your kids might benefit more from having a good relationship with their grandparents than an occasional relationship with their dad.

Bossybritches22 · 27/11/2011 00:18

Avoid the CSA at all costs if you can, several friends have had a right 'mare trying to square the ex for payments. Are you getting legal advice?

I agreed maintenance with my ex before we started divorce proceedings & because it was all agreed (I thought) I didn't hammer it all out. I get 20 % of his salary but not a bean more.

With 2 DD's I'd hoped we could split the cost of the extras, (one pair of shoes each, one winter coat etc) but oh no.

He has not the faintest idea how much 2 teens cost.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 27/11/2011 00:18

Have a look at te csa calculator to work out what you are legally entitled to (based on a guess of his income).

Tell him that is the legal minimum he is required to pay. And if he hasn't established a standing order for that amount hubs set date then you will be instructing the csa to review the case.

You could underestimate his income a little so you come out with an underestimate then when you threaten with csa you could tell him what earnings you have based it on so that he jumps to avoid csa looking at his real slightly higher income if that makes sense.

You are entitled to this. It should be wholly based on his income -yours has Nowt to do with it. But - just to add you are not entitled to extras like contribution for swimming lessons/school uniform etc. Although he may of course offer (ha!)

LineRunnerSaturnalia · 27/11/2011 00:22

I don't think it sounds like you could or should depend on him for when you are working. He doesn't really care, does he?

A lot of absent fathers convince themselves that the parent with care has all kinds of money and help and gold bars in the cellar. I think it helps assuage their guilt; or maybe they're just not very nice people. Who knows?

But if you have a chance of becoming independent of him, I would go for it. But you still insist on the child support that your DCs are entitled to.

Original poster

workshy · 27/11/2011 00:22

if he paid something it would cover the extras, I can cover the basics

he gave DD1 £25 for the 10th birthday the other day so I'm guessing he won't be voulnteering money any time soon

he is going to turn me into one of those bitter exes that won't let their exes see their kids soon -we haven't even talked about Christmas yet!

OP posts:

LineRunnerSaturnalia · 27/11/2011 00:24

Ask him for a timetable of when he will have his DCs to stay, for the coming 6 months.

TheFrogs · 27/11/2011 00:26

Infuriating isn't it?

Ds father sees him every fortnight or so and pays nothing zilch, nada. Yet he can apparently afford to buy motorbikes, guitars and reptiles. Not long ago he went through the roof when I asked for money towards shoes (£15) and then paid over £100 for a dog. (yes I know, cheap for a dog) but its a dog, that he didn't need. He is a tosser. Yep.

Original poster

workshy · 27/11/2011 00:27

oh he can't 'possibly' commit that far in advance as he gets her rota really late at work -sometimes 2 hours after he has started work

well maybe slight exaggeration but he won't plan anything more than 1 week in advance

OP posts:

LineRunnerSaturnalia · 27/11/2011 00:28

Maybe these absent fathers all think we're shacking up with Hugh Grant.

LineRunnerSaturnalia · 27/11/2011 00:29

My ExH lies to me about his rota. And he lies to his DCs. The thing is, they are old enough now to have sussed it.

TheFrogs · 27/11/2011 00:30

By the way, the csa are near to useless. If you use them, be fully prepared to bang your head against the wall on a regular basis.

Andrewofgg · 27/11/2011 08:42

Once you got the CSA route you can forget things like swimming lessons as extras on top of their general maintenance - you get what the formula says if you are lucky.

I'm torn about the pension fund. If you were still together and he took the responsible step of joining it your free income would fall, and I'm not sure why it should be different now.

Original poster

workshy · 27/11/2011 10:38

he has been working there for nearly 2 years and hasn't joined -he's only done it since I mentioned csa

OP posts:

Tangle · 27/11/2011 11:28

I'm torn about the pension fund. If you were still together and he took the responsible step of joining it your free income would fall, and I'm not sure why it should be different now.

Surely if they were still together then they would have discussed, together, whether it was responsible for them to take a cut in income now for a better future. Making that decision at the time he has is financially very sensible for him as an individual. And I don't think that absent parents should be forced to impoverish themselves to support their children - but equally, is it morally right for an absent parent to manage their finances in a way that is (I accept) completely legal, but that has a direct impact on the quality of life of the children that they were jointly responsible for creating and that they are jointly responsible for maintaining ?

Dingdongmessily · 27/11/2011 11:48

Is he an absent father if he sees his children?

And you both should be paying into a pension if possible.

Tangle · 27/11/2011 12:06

Sorry - I may be mis-using the term. "Absent" as in "not present in the family home on a day-to-day basis". Maybe that should be non-resident?

Yes - they should both be paying into a pension if possible. But workshy has already stated she can't afford to do so. And from what she says, its not as though she and the kids are living profligate lives and there's places she could economise to enable her to do so. Is it morally right for one parent (usually non-resident) to act now to protect their own future in a way that makes it more likely that their ex's future is in jeopardy because that (usually resident) parent will put their children's day to day needs ahead of investing in a personal pension?

If the ex has "suddenly" decided that its vital he should start paying the maximum into the company pension scheme just as workshy mentions the CSA it would be looking remarkably co-incidental to me...

I think the conclusion I'm coming to (seeing a friend go through a very acrimonious separation) is that if one party is prioritising the children it is incredibly easy for the other to screw them in 1001 different ways - most of which are, strictly, legal and most of which are, seemingly, justifiable.

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