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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think how do you know they have got more money than you?

97 replies

Mmmdoughnuts · 26/11/2011 07:21

I read on a number of threads on here, and people comment in RL "they can do x but don't and I know they have more money than me".

How do you know all these people have more money than you?

Do you know everyone's payslip, or do you presume because of their job that they have more money, or do you presume because of their lifestyle they have more money than you?

If due to their income they have more money than you, how do you know that they don't have more outgoing commitments than you, something I'm aware of, the more you earn the bigger your bills tend to be, i.e. if you can have a bigger house, you have a bigger mortgage, you have a higher council tax bill, your heating costs are more etc. So your disposable income is not more.

If you are basing it on lifestyle, how do they know they are not living on never never credit to fund their lifestyle, or that they are being frugal in other areas (normally the one that you are complaining that they won't do x for as "they have more money than me"), to fund what is important to their lifestyle even if not important to your lifestyle.

OP posts:
KittyFane · 26/11/2011 08:15

The thingst people choose to spend their money on can give a false impression of a their true wealth.
For example, 'designer' everything doesn't always = wealth.
I find it fascinating that many people think it does though.

Your example OP - i.e. 'My sister could buy me an £80 present but doesn't, and I know she can because she has more money than me" Sometimes people get annoyed because it is obvious that the money a person has is spent only on themselves leaving non for generous presents.

molly3478 · 26/11/2011 08:16

That doesnt make sense if you have a bigger house you obviously have more money than 4 of you living in a one or two bed flat. It doesnt matter how much money they have left over you have to be pretty affluent to be able to buy any kind of house.

KittyFane · 26/11/2011 08:17

What Queen said! Put it far better than me!

witherhills · 26/11/2011 08:33

But Molly, what if the the deposit was savedfor 10 years, or an inheritance or given as a present, or the mortgage for that house wipes out 70% of income because they have a crappy mortgage deal.
Mortgage rules have changed so much over the years.
You really never know. And rent can be more expensive than mortgage payments
I used to envy a friend of a friend as she owned a flat in London and was doing it up to be fabulous. Turns out that when her brother died, she got the life insurance money which enabled her to get the flat,

yummybunny · 26/11/2011 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkytheshrunkenhead · 26/11/2011 08:56

I do think people make a lot of assumptions. We are quite well off in the scheme of things but we drive old cars and have a scruffy house which is currently too small for us. We are moving soon and a playground Mummy was most surprised we could afford such a big house - it was hilarious really, she was trying to express that without being rude and saying 'but I thought you were poor'- you could also see the cogs whirring in her head as she did the sums. She is a bit more showy about things with a nice year old flashy car (our newest car is 11 years old), a lot of jewellery and her kids are always immaculately dressed and have gadgets a go go (her 10 yr old dd has an ipad for instance! - I don't even have one!) - that is good for them but not for us.

You can never tell by looking at what people have or what job they have. To a degree I suppose you might be bale to tell a bit by the stuff they have but sometimes people have flash cars on lease etc and massive credit card bills - so that is unreliable too. It is all about priorities isn't it? I can afford a new car but would rather spend that sort of money on a deposit for a rental property - that makes much more sense to me.

WhoIsThatMaskedWoman · 26/11/2011 09:04

I think sometimes all you can say reliably is either someone is wealthy, or they're overspending on tick.

If someone buys a new pair of suede Louboutins for the office Xmas party and then dodges buying their round then they're either mean or have crap priorities. Either way I'd feel justified in bringing the shoes into my judgement regardless of not having seen their bank statement.

molly3478 · 26/11/2011 09:06

witherhills - I think it depends on your group of friends its easy to tell with the people I know what people earn

OriginalPoster · 26/11/2011 09:12

They also might be making charitable donations, helping relatives or saving for retirement, overpaying mortgages, paying off old debt.

It's a bit like trying to fathom other people's relationships, nobody knows what's really going on unless you are the person in the relationship, or its your own finances.

molly3478 · 26/11/2011 09:14

Also you have to be pretty well off to get credit. Say for instance I know someone who has a new car on finance they are obviously better off than some of my other friends who have atelly on tick from brighthouse. They must be making more money or they wouldt get the credit. Its pretty obvious.

learningtofly · 26/11/2011 09:16

I think cars can be deceptive. We often have 4 on our drive, my car, dhs car, a motorhome and a 1959 classic bond.

In reality both our cars are work lease or company cars and get changed every 2-3 years. We contribute towards them but don't pay for tyres, servicing etc. If it weren't for that we wouldn't have new cars at all.

The motorhome is actually my fathers although the whole family contributes to its up keep and keeping it in the road.

The bond is though mine and my dear departed mums (her life insurance helped fund its purchase!) And very pleased she would be too :)

OhTheConfusion · 26/11/2011 09:21

Most of our friends are in simmilar jobs to my DH and I and we do all earn simmilar amounts (quite an open group of friends).

However to look at the lot of us on a one by one basis you would never be able to tell as we all spend (or save) our money in different ways:

Couple 1 - Rented Flat, no kids, 3-4 hols a year, flash car.

Couple 2 - 3 bed home bought (by wife) straight from uni (deposit from inheritance), now mortgage free. 7yr old DD, attends private school and every lesson under the sun. 2 weeks in the sun each summer. 2 cars, both new(ish).

Couple 3 - 4 bed home, bought after marriage (18yrs to go before it's paid off). 3 DC's, state school. Few holidays a year, new car.

One thing in common... we are always all skint at the end of the month!

MrsVoltar · 26/11/2011 09:21

Very well put by Queen

But I do know what you mean OP

I have similar experience to pinky and have had people say 'How can you afford to have x' then say 'I'm sorry, how rude of me!' straight away.

I am not flashy, shop in charity shops sometimes, don't like to pay for overpriced branded goods. Most people interpret that as 'short of cash'.

witherhills · 26/11/2011 09:41

You don't have to have money to get credit, you have to have a good searchable credit history.
Goes the other way too, you can earn lots of money and not be able to get credit because of a poor credit history.

tardisjumper · 26/11/2011 09:55

OP, i think in the scenarios you are explaining there is a degree of jealousy and us and them ism.

I think it is becomeing more and more acceptable for public/private sector to sneer at each other and claim that they are earning far more than them!

And you are right, how can they know? The private sector in particular is all over the place. I have just left my work where there is a pay freeze to do a slightly lesser job for more money! The public sector isn't consistent either.

And one more thing... why this obsession with mortgages? I am young an rent so find this a bit odd.

KalSkirata · 26/11/2011 09:57

surely its pretty easy. If someone can buy a coffee without hought, has a big house n shiny car and goes on holiday, they have more money than those who can do none of those things.

pinkytheshrunkenhead · 26/11/2011 10:09

But it isn't necessarily like that is it Kal - it is all about what you choose to spend money on. My experience is that often people who struggle tend to buy expensive things rather than be careful (sweeping I know) - I always seems to have v cheap holidays to France - unlike a lot of people who go further and flashier than us except that I own that house in France so yes I have a cheap holiday but I also have an asset. Some friends of ours were complaining about how much their holidays cost (they went to fab carribean resort - lovely) and their holiday for two children and them for two weeks cost the same as my house costs with the mortgage for a year... enough said.

Like I said a new car costs the same as a deposit on a flat or small house for rental purposes, so whilst I have a minging old car I do have a huge amount of assets and great financial security because of my choices about what to spend my money on. Cash poor and asset rich I think it is called - my much preferred way of doing things.

KalSkirata · 26/11/2011 10:14

lot of people are asset poor and cash poor so people who have cash or assets are richer. Obviously.

kickingking · 26/11/2011 10:16

There is a misconception in my family that because we own our house and my DSis and BIL rent their house, DH and I are rich and they are not.

I have no idea how much they earn or what all of their outgoings are, but lots of things seem to be overlooked about our situation - like that we have a huge mortgage because we bought the house at the height of the market, we are in negative equity, we pay for childcare and they have free childcare, we have to run two cars because of where we work/the type of jobs we do and they don't...

We might be better off than them, I don't know. But according to my family, it's all about whether you own your house. Apparently if you own a house you are sorted Hmm

NJE · 26/11/2011 10:18

Has anyone heard of this book? www.amazon.co.uk/Rich-Dad-Poor-Robert-Kiyosaki/dp/0751532711

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 26/11/2011 10:18

I think appearances can be deceptive. I have a friend that is very, very wealthy. Her parents live on a country estate, she went to boarding school as do her two children. She has a house in an exclusive village, mortgage-free, and a large inheritance from grandparents. To look at her and speak to her (apart from her accent) you would not know that she had all of that. She is the most down to earth, least snobby and pretentious person I know. She dresses in pretty scruffy clothes and drives an ancient, dirty volvo.

On the other hand another family we know seemed to be very wealthy. They built a massive footballers-wives style house, which was gorgeous and all furnished by interior designers. Kids and parents decked out head to toe in brand new clothes. Brand new massive 4 by 4s. They went bankrupt a couple of years ago as did their business as they had been borrowing up to the hilt in their own finances and the business finances to fund the lifestyle (the mum once told me their mortgage was 2k per month!! She was always very vocal about volunteering information about their finances). So they lost the house and the business. Lots of people were quite surprised as they always gave the impression that they were very wealthy. The husband told my DH that it was all borrowed money and actually there was very little wealth.

I'd say my DH earns a very high wage for the area of the country in which we live, but I wouldn't think people would perceive us as well off as we prefer to save rather than spend a lot. Our house is lovely in the bits we have finished, but unfinished and scruffy in parts. The kids are dressed from half-decent shops but they don't have many clothes each, I just put a wash on more frequently. They certainly don't appear to have multiple coats/shoes/outfits like the children of some of our flashy acquaintances do. Our car isn't particularly new and isn't a flash make of car. I am not one for dressing up to the nines like some of my friends do and tend to wear jeans and more casual clothes. To friends, neighbours and acquaintances we probably look like we live hand to mouth and just manage, but we have a decent amount of savings in the bank and could have a much more lavish lifestyle if we wanted. Likewise there are undoubtedly people without a pot to pee in that look like millionaires because of all the credit they have!

molly3478 · 26/11/2011 10:19

'My experience is that often people who struggle tend to buy expensive things rather than be careful '

See this is the extreme opposite of my experiences. Anyone that struggles is because they are poor. France is a very posh holiday imo I would classify someone as doing well for themselves who has been to France.

ImperialBlether · 26/11/2011 10:19

Who are these teachers that are earning 250K, please?

fivegomadindorset · 26/11/2011 10:22

People always assume that we have more money than we do, pretty skint actually but I come from a wealthy family hence the misconception, and then get narked off if we can't go out if we are asked as we don't have a huge amount of spare cash.