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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to lose a lot of weight even though my partner doesn't like the idea?

34 replies

LifeIsButtercream · 25/11/2011 22:05

I'm morbidly obese.

There I said it - I weigh in the high 19st and yes, I feel horrible and HATE being this size. So I've joined a slimming programme - and I'm enjoying it and feeling really positive because I want to be healthy and a good mum.

However, my partner prefers women with a bit of meat on them ('real women' in his words) - he doesn't want me to be thinner than about 16-18st as he said I wouldn't really be in his 'league' - I wouldn't be as attractive to him. My ideal weight for my height is 'too skinny' in his mind - I would give anything to feel slim as I have always been big and to walk down the street feeling like everyone else rather than a huge balloon-woman would be the most amazing thing.

So, do I persist and lose weight until I am happy with myself and I am, above all, healthy, even though my partner isn't keen on me doing so? It's not easy doing this without support - and I feel like he thinks I'm doing this to 'spite' him, or he's just waiting for me to fail and go back to my old ways.

I love my partner, but I don't want to be this size.

OP posts:
Kayano · 25/11/2011 22:09

Is he with you because e lives you or because he likes your size. Do what's right for you and if he has a problem with you getting healthier and feeling better about yourself then he simply doesn't deserve you.

What a moron!

giraffesCantDookForApples · 25/11/2011 22:09

do what YOU want

Xmasbaby11 · 25/11/2011 22:12

For your health if for no other reason, you should aim to lose weight. There is nothing wrong with a man liking larger women, but it is extreme that he doesn't want you to be a healthy weight.

Do you think he is insecure - worried that if you lose weight, more men will find you attractive, and he may lose you?

FabbyChic · 25/11/2011 22:13

Do what is best for you and your children, losing weight is best for them. Your health comes first.

He clearly only loves your size not you as a person.

Could it be he is scared that when you have lost your weight you wll not want to be with him anymore

bushymcbush · 25/11/2011 22:14

Doesn't he care about your health and longevity?

troisgarcons · 25/11/2011 22:14

Ask him if he prefers you alive or dead? Thats the crux of it.

Ask him if he wants you so incapacitated that he has to wipe your arse.

Ask him if he enjoys your children being mocked at school for having a 'fat mum'.

WTF you are asking anyones opinion over your health is beyond me

Seriously ...Go for it - you can only feel better, have a better body image and be more confident .......and more healthy .... oh and if you have to play to mans mind .... more confident means swinging from the chandeliers more energy!

Original poster
LifeIsButtercream · 25/11/2011 22:14

Thanks :)

I kinda know I'm not BU but it's hard doing this without support. I know he loves me and he can't help that he might not find me 'attractive' at a lighter weight (same way that if I suddenly put on 9stone he might find me less attractive)

Weight is just numbers to me - I want to be well and be around to see my little girl grow up.

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 25/11/2011 22:16

Is he overweight himself? If so, could he be jealous of your motivation and determination, and trying to sabotage you to make himself feel superior.

Stick to your goals. You can do it, with or without his support.

Concordia · 25/11/2011 22:16

hi, i think if you want to be around for your children as they grow up, you should try to lose weight. i say this as someone who has lots of problems with weight and health myself.
i recently had a similar conv with DH. i am quite short and was recently nearly 15 stone. i have been losing weight and pointed out to him that a healthy weight for my height might be below 10 stone. a
DH looked at me in horror and said that he would not fancy me if i was 9 stone, although he would still love me.
well i'm still way / weigh! above this so not an issue yet (if ever). i think i am just going to keep going and see what happens.in my case it was health problems that spurred me on to lose weight, can you talk about these kind of things to try to get more support from your DP?

Nanny0gg · 25/11/2011 22:17

He's not worried that others might find you attractive too, is he?

Do what you want to do for whatever reasons you have. It's not his body.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 25/11/2011 22:17

Can I ask if your partner is overweight?

That may be why he doesn't want you to?

But definitely do it. For your child/ren if nothing else.

You will feel so proud of yourself. Good luck

Concordia · 25/11/2011 22:18

oooh - lots of x posts.
i found it has helped encouraging my DH to try to lose weight at same time.
could this be an option for you?

AgentZigzag · 25/11/2011 22:18

Do what makes you happy Smile

I'm usually slim-ish and was reassured to know that DH still found me attractive when I was at 40+16 pregnant.

What size you are shouldn't matter, and if it does it's up to him to resolve it, not guilt you into being something you don't want to be.

You shouldn't forget it's nice he loves you as you are, but it's the reasons behind those thoughts you maybe should be talking about?

If it's a not very veiled attempt at trying to control you, don't let him get away with it.

ShellyBoobs · 25/11/2011 22:18

I see this in the same way as if it was the other way around.

If you put on weight he would be unreasonable to go off you.

In fact, he's even more unreasonable than that because your desire to lose weight would benefit your health, too.

He's being a knob in not supporting you.

Concordia · 25/11/2011 22:19

i agree with others that he may be insecure about your success (well done) particularly if he is overweight himself .

Clossaintjacques · 25/11/2011 22:21

I think you will struggle to lose weight to be honest. It's hard enough to lose it when people are behind you so it's unlikely you will without support.

AgentZigzag · 25/11/2011 22:25

Unless you do it to spite them Clossainat Wink

Grin
Original poster
LifeIsButtercream · 25/11/2011 22:27

He is overweight but not to my degree - he thinks diets are 'rubbish', we all die when it's our time anyway and he wont touch fruit/veg/'muck like that' with a ten foot pole. But that's his choice.

Clossaint I don't know whether I will be successful or not from where I'm standing but if I don't succeed it won't be through lack of trying! At the very least I'll be making some lifestyle changes that will benefit me in ways I can't see.

OP posts:
Concordia · 25/11/2011 22:33

keep going and face the problem of you being below 16 stone when you get there (soon hopefully). can you get support from other family members or friends to do the programme with you?
Good luck with it all btw!

Clossaintjacques · 25/11/2011 22:37

I don't believe anyone ever loses weight to spite any one, it's just too hard. OP you are unlikely to get to a healthy weight with this person in your life.

plupervert · 25/11/2011 22:38

How does he know what you will look and feel like to hold? The distribution of weight in people varies so widely, that two people of the same height and weight might have very different apparent builds, thanks to the amount of muscle in their make-up.

He sounds opposed to the idea of your losing weight, but doesn't sound as though he has a very coherent idea of what the result will be.

"Warning" you like this is very off, though.

If you are determined to change things for your own sake, though, your health and happiness with yourself are more important than some vague ideas of his which don't even sound half-baked: they are raw!

Clossaintjacques · 25/11/2011 22:39

"I don't know whether I will be successful or not from where I'm standing but if I don't succeed it won't be through lack of trying!"

If you are not successful it will be from lack of understanding what you need to do or lack of will power. Sorry but true.

WorraLiberty · 25/11/2011 22:44

OP you can do this without his support! Smile

Is it the slimming program and online thing or is it a club you actually go to?

I think a club would be best because you will meet like minded people and I'm sure you'll make friends who will support you.

WorraLiberty · 25/11/2011 22:45

*an online thing

AgentZigzag · 25/11/2011 22:49

I didn't mean the OP to lose weight by constantly fuming at her DP clossaint Grin

But it in the past I've used somebodys disbelief that I can do something to spur me on at moments of weakness (like being predicted D's in A levels and getting a Bs in the end).

And I don't think you necessarily need tons of support to lose weight, it's that switch in you that flicks over to 'THAT'S IT, I've had enough, I want to do it!' that makes the difference.

It doesn't matter what other people think/say then.