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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that the law is the law?

31 replies

PersistentWorrier · 25/11/2011 17:22

Basically, I'm at my wit's end with DH's employer.

He's working in a bar at the moment (don't even get me started on why, quit a perfectly reasonable full-time job on a good salary ffs) which means odd working hours, usually around 5pm til 'close' which is when they're done clearing up, about 3am on weeknights and 5am on weekdays, but timings vary, it can start as early as 2pm and end as late as 6am.

Fine, whatever, loads of people work long hours. My issue is, that they don't give them the compulsory level of breaks, he never gets written payslips, often doesn't get the full 11 hours between shifts, and the boss-who-does-the-rota keeps swapping and changing things at the last minute, so if we've made any plans as a family they get cancelled, and we struggle to see friends and family any more because we never know whether he'll be at work or not - even if the rota doesn't get changed last minute, it's never put up more than a week in advance.

Doesn't really affect childcare 'cause our DCs are 18 (living away at uni) and 16, but I hoped that once the kids grew up and got thrown from flew the nest we'd have time together as a couple that we haven't had for going on two decades.

AIBU to want to slap his stupid boss round his stupid face and tell him to get his arse into gear, obey the law, and have some consideration for his employees?

sorry for the rant, it's really quite therapeutic :)

OP posts:
eurochick · 25/11/2011 17:26

Hmmm, it's a job and it's one your husband chose. The hours were always going to be antisocial. The lack of written payslips is bad, as is the lack of breaks. But I expect if you kick up a fuss, there will be a queue of people willing to do those hours. Your husband should be the subject of your ire as much as the boss I think.

fickencharmer · 25/11/2011 17:26

PW point well made. Good luck with it.

Original poster
PersistentWorrier · 25/11/2011 17:32

I know I know, he knew what the working conditions would be like when he took the job, but I don't see why some employers (I've worked for similar prats in the past) think they can get away with breaking clear and finite employment laws. He HAS to be given a payslip, and he HAS to be given adequate breaks, and he HAS to be given 11 hours between shifts - DH is of the 'oh well I'll suck it up' attitude, but I don't want someone walking all over him and screwing me over in the process!

and breeeaaathe

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 25/11/2011 17:36

If he makes a noise they will get shot of him. The only question is if he wants the hassle of being a whistleblower (not usually a good plan).

Why did he change jobs?

Groovee · 25/11/2011 17:36

My friend had similar issues with her dh and the way the pub owner treated her husband. Sadly it resulted in the end of their marriage :-(

JuliaScurr · 25/11/2011 17:39

Isn't this kind of thing why they invented unions?

canyou · 25/11/2011 17:44

As some one who has many years worked in the catering industry The only problem I see is the lack of proper payslip, and yes I am wrong in that assessment but it is the industry.
I can work 10/11 hrs with no break eating and drinking between orders I work split shifts with 6 hrs between shifts, Talk to many with in the industry it is the norm not the exception. Bars/cafe/restaurants are struggling and cannot employ the staff to come in to just cover breaks, but if there are 2 people on he should be able to get some form of break.
Did you never wonder why so many catering staff smoke it is the only break we get,

flyingspaghettimonster · 25/11/2011 17:44

That is annoying, but I think I'd be more inclined to slap OH for quitting a perfectly decent regular job... and probably wonder what on earth it is about bar work that drew him in, that seems odd to me... I'm a suspicious type and would wonder if a) he was an alcoholic b) trying to pull drunk women... but that's just me :-)

Original poster
PersistentWorrier · 25/11/2011 17:49

He hated his old job - used to work for his father in an insurance company (very small, just the two of them and a secretary), when his dad retired the whole company was sold to a major national insurance brokers with the condition that they had to employ DH, which they did, but he hated the new job from the start (had loads of flexibility with his dad, time off when needed, flexible hours etc, which was great when the kids were small, but none of that at the new job and I don't think he could hack it).

Then his stepmom died nearly two years ago, followed three months later by his dad, which was really horrible cause they'd been drinking themselves to death and living in squalor for the last few years of their lives, not allowing anyone to help them, so with the grief and the stress and the huge amount of guilt that we all felt about not forcing help upon them, he couldn't handle job stress as well and he quit. After doing sod all for about a year, he got his current job - I think he got bored of the daytime tv.

I think he was hoping the bar work would give him back some of the flexibility and stress-free work that he used to have working for his dad, but it has become quite the opposite. We used to be pretty tight on money because DH loves aston villa and follows them everywhere, sod the expense, when he wasn't working we couldn't afford food etc. and were borrowing from his (retired) mom and stepdad, and my parents, along with selling some of his dad's possessions to get by, now he's doing shifts (irregular as well, some weeks every day, other weeks none at all) we just about make ends meet, but it's a load more stress that we really don't need.

I'm fine with him choosing whatever job he wants, as long as the bills get paid I'm very laid-back about each of us choosing our life's path for ourselves, but I love my hubby and don't want some prick screwing him over.

But, if I casually tip off the local council about the breaches in regulations, we run the risk of DH not having a job, and then we're back up a creek financially...

OP posts:
Original poster
PersistentWorrier · 25/11/2011 17:50

sorry about the long posts, I mean to write a quick explanation then it all comes flooding out at once!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 25/11/2011 17:54

You are talking about a grown man who is at least 40 years old? Can he not speak up for himself?

You sound like his mother, and he sounds about 18 :(

Original poster
PersistentWorrier · 25/11/2011 18:00

He's quickly approaching 51, and yes, is a child. Can't do anything for himself, despite the fact that I work full-time and often he only has 2 or 3 shifts a week, I do all the cooking, cleaning, house-management etc. I practically raised the kids single-handedly because he always prioritised football, going out, and for a few months about 10 years ago his new girlfriend, over family life.
He got us into huge debts on credit cards I didn't know about, leaving me to pick up the pieces and now I do all the finances (his money goes straight into my account).
DD now refuses to come back from uni unless absolutely necessary cause she's sick of him expecting her to be all happy and kind to him when he treats everyone else so badly and always wants to borrow money off her. But that's a whole other thread, don't want to get off-topic

OP posts:
Original poster
PersistentWorrier · 25/11/2011 18:02

squeakytoy you're right, DD(18) is more mature than he is! DNiece (10) is frankly more mature than he is. But DGreatNephew (10 months) is more mature than his boss.
MEN. can't live with them, can't work for them, can't legally murder them.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 25/11/2011 18:03

You can kick them out though! Grin

And sorry, I hate to say it, but no way would I put up with that sort of shite. He would buck up or fuck off... no doubt about it.

squeakytoy · 25/11/2011 18:05

hang on a mo....

"I practically raised the kids single-handedly because he always prioritised football, going out, and for a few months about 10 years ago his new girlfriend, over family life"

wtf??????

Seriously PW, get rid of this cretin. You deserve better, and your kids deserve better too, even if they are adults. Your poor daughter who doesnt want to come home because he is there. :(

It may be another thread, but blimey..... dont be worrying about his boss.... just get this man out of your life love.

ShoutyHamster · 25/11/2011 18:06

But you can decide that you're better off without some of them.

I am gobsmacked at your last posts, and all I can say is that your H's employer is the least of your problems...

squeakytoy · 25/11/2011 18:07

And from what you have posted since the OP.. dont be too sure the "boss" is responsible for the long hours etc.. because I would bet my last rolo that you are being fed another load of bullshit.

Original poster
PersistentWorrier · 25/11/2011 18:13

The thought does occur to me, but he'd be a prat to do it again, because he'd be straight out the door, losing the cook, cleaner, launderer, ironing lady and general housekeeper he has pandering to his every need while working full time to pay all his bills.

DD keeps telling me to divorce him (keeps dropping hints about how best to play it in divorce courts, as she's doing a law degree) but I have to hope that things will get better.

On the plus side, DD has learnt from my mistakes, and doesn't take any shit from her BF, for fear of turning into me, and doesn't give him any shit, for fear of turning into her dad. So maybe if she and DS take an average of me and DH they might just turn out ok :)

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 25/11/2011 18:14

How do you know he's actually working during those hours?

When I worked in a bar (aged 18 - 20yrs) I used to knock off my shift about midnight and we'd all have a lock in.

That just might explain the lack of payslips....

ChaoticAngel · 25/11/2011 18:16

You're still with this selfish, self-centred shite why exactly? Hmm

Original poster
PersistentWorrier · 25/11/2011 18:25

Because I'm a bit anti-divorce, just the way I was brought up, marriage is for life through thick and thin etc.
Also, I couldn't afford to lose half the house. Selfish reason, but a reason nonetheless.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 25/11/2011 18:51

DD keeps telling me to divorce him (keeps dropping hints about how best to play it in divorce courts, as she's doing a law degree) but I have to hope that things will get better

Listen to your bloody daughter!

Because I'm a bit anti-divorce, just the way I was brought up, marriage is for life through thick and thin etc.

Well that is all well and good when both people are playing the same game, and playing nicely and treating each other with care and respect.

Also, I couldn't afford to lose half the house. Selfish reason, but a reason nonetheless

I would rather be happy than life a miserable pissed off life with a loser who everyone around me thinks I would be better off without.

You only get one life PW. Get yours now before it is too late.

I bet your mother and father would not want you to be treated like this, regardless of how you were brought up. Surely they would want you to have a happy and relaxed life.

Original poster
PersistentWorrier · 25/11/2011 19:12

squeakytoy, are you my daughter in disguise? you sound exactly like her!
But it's really not all bad, when things are going well he's a good husband, besides the money and always going out, it's just the past two years since step-MIL and FIL died that have made things go back to the dire straits of ten years ago.

Perhaps I'm projecting general annoyance onto his boss, for causing yet more stress and anxiety. Point still stands that nobody should have to be treated like crap at work, no matter how self-centred and selfish and crap with money/family they are. DD's advising me on tribunals and the like, bless her. Got her head screwed on tighter than mine is!

OP posts:
edam · 25/11/2011 19:21

I think squeaky might have a point. Is he genuinely being exploited, or is he blaming 'the boss' when he's really choosing to spend hours at the pub after/before his shifts? Lack of payslips could be his fault, not his bosses - maybe he's deliberately losing/hiding them. Given his general irresponsibility and history maybe he's not telling you the whole truth here - quite convenient for a child-man to have an excuse for behaving unreliably.

Kitchentiles · 25/11/2011 19:21

Good god, no point in me saying anything as you are clearly beyond help, OP. Why you have wasted your life with this man.....

Anyway, what you describe sounds about right for the industry. There is no union for catering and it's notoriously crap about breaks and the like. He should get a payslip though, for the taxman.

And what time does this bar close? If it's 11pm, then it shouldn't take til 3 or 5 to clean down.