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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've completely failed and set my child up for social problems later on..

38 replies

difficulttimes · 25/11/2011 17:04

as a mother, I have a 2 year old

UYnfortunately he has no kids his age in my family , my dp's or in out friends and has missed out on this. Also I have been very ill for basically all of his early life.

(Heamorraghed in birth then had implant which rected badly to my body bled all the time had to have pill too, I couldnt take it out as I got preg on the pill and couldnt risk that still living with a parent. spends so long being tested for anaemia etc.

so I didnt always have the energy to go to groups , I went to them sometimes but some days I was just too ill.

I am trying to rectify this he goes to nursery, is coming on but last time I was there a staff member noted,

'doesnt speak much' (true) and when my dp told her hes had limited access to other kids his age , was like
'well that explains why he's very quiet and doesn't know what to do' Sad what have I done to my child??

AIBU to think he will have so many problems becasue of his early years??

OP posts:
cjbartlett · 25/11/2011 17:06

he's only 2, give him a chance

I know many 4 year olds who don't speak all that much

I really wouldn't worry

HippoPottyMouth · 25/11/2011 17:08

I think you're overreacting a tad!
Yes he might be quiet just now because he doesn't know what to do, but most 2 year olds don't really play together anyway, they play alongside each other. Is he just 2 or nearly 3?

He'll soon get the hang of it anyway. Don't stress and start desperately trying to arrange playdates etc, just let him find his own way for now, I'm sure he'll be fine.

thisisyesterday · 25/11/2011 17:08

sorry, but i disagree!

I have a 4 year old, who has 2 siblings and meets up with a group of friends at least once a week, if not more.

he has been at nursery for over a year and is only just starting to talk to the staff and other children there!

some children are just quiet!
i don't really get the "doesn't know what to do" bit of what they've said. ALL children know how to play... maybe your son is just a bit shy and doesn't want to join in yet?

ds2 is very much a watcher and learner. he will wait until HE is ready before he does anything.
perhaps your little boy is the same?

I am sure that any child with a loving and supportive family, who feels secure will turn out just fine :)

Sirzy · 25/11/2011 17:09

Don't beat yourself up about things. If he was 6 and never mixed with other children that would be a problem. At 2 it's not an issue and you will probably be amazed how quickly he comes on now he is at nursery!

Lotkinsgonecurly · 25/11/2011 17:12

Agree, I think your ds will be absoloutley fine. At 2 they just chat to themselves alongside one another rather than having great role plays. They just like to be around other things. While he hasn't had interaction with other children he has with other adults, so really don't worry. He'll be fine.

tocha · 25/11/2011 17:12

also disagree, at toddler age, as long as you (and I assume dp) are talking, singing, playing with him, he doesn't need to be with other kids, as before 3 it's parallel play, rather than playing truly socially anyway.

mrsravelstein · 25/11/2011 17:13

agree with all of the above.

ds1 though for different reasons had a similar early childhood to your son, and spent almost no time with other kids until he started nursery at 3. he was pretty shy until he was about 6, but now at 10 is incredibly extrovert.

ds2 has spent quite a lot of time with kids and obviously had a big brother and therefore often a house full of kids, but he had been at nursery for 6 months (from 2.5 to 3) before he said a single word to any of the teachers.

sounds totally normal to me, don't stress, but if the nursery are being odd about it, perhaps look for a different one

squeakytoy · 25/11/2011 17:15

You are wrong. You have not failed at all.

He is only two for heavens sakes! There are a lot of children at that age who have never had much interraction with other children until now, and this is the time when he will begin to start chatting and socialising. Perfectly normal!

Stop worrying, he will be absolutely fine! :)

Groovee · 25/11/2011 17:15

My son who is now 9, never spoke to the nursery staff!!! He's now doesn't SHUT UP and it's something he always gets picked up about now. The comment made by the nursery staff was that he could talk, as he chatted confidently with his peers but rarely spoke to adults. It took him 15 months to speak to the childminder.

thisisyesterday · 25/11/2011 17:15

also, I think that even if his behaviour now is caused by his early years (which i doubt) then it still isn't a problem because he is only 2 and has plenty of time to learn!

i honestly wouldn't worry

JamieComeHome · 25/11/2011 17:16

Please do not worry!. She is only 2. Many many many children have not been to mum-and-baby groups at this age. Many others do and don't enjoy it, find it too stressful, bite other children and have to leave Blush etc etc.

My DS1 was quiet and didn't know what to do with other children at this age, despite going to groups with me from a very young age. He preferred (and still does, to some extent) to play alone or alongside other children (totally developmentally normal BTW). Like thisisyesterday's child, he was an observer, and then would join in later.

wigglybeezer · 25/11/2011 17:16

Please remember that it was rare for there to be mother and baby groups and toddler sessions when we were little, often children turned up at school never having been to any formal activities with other children, social problems were not more common as a result!

PicaK · 25/11/2011 17:16

Please don't blame yourself. My 2.5 year old has been at at least one playgroup type thing every weekday followed up with a playdate in the afternoon. His mates are chattering away but he's a quiet watch and observe chap too.

JamieComeHome · 25/11/2011 17:19

Also, remember that many people take their babies and young toddlers to those groups so that they (the parent) can socialise. And it's common for first and only children to have less contact with other children.

whatkatydidathome · 25/11/2011 17:20

ignore them - my ds (now 6 and very chatty) was referred to a speech therapist for not talking at 3. He had been to toddler groups from birth and had two v talkative and similar aged siblings. I was told that this was why he didn't talk - ie was told that he didn't talk as he couldn't "get a word in edgeways" and needed more time alone :)

pictish · 25/11/2011 17:20

Ach don't worry! His speech will be nothing to do with the lack of groups!!
My ds2 went to plenty and still barely uttered a word until he was 2 and a half.
The member of staff is a numpty - believe us!

VioletNotViolent · 25/11/2011 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tx12noone · 25/11/2011 17:20

You're overreacting a LOT - it's not like he's feral!!! You've not left him to be raised by foxes at the bottom of the garden. It doesn't take years of practice to get used to playing with other children. He'll find his own way, and he'll talk more when he's good and ready. He's only tiny - give both of you a chance!

NinkyNonker · 25/11/2011 17:20

Rollocks. Babies don't need socialisation, they're not puppies. He will have had all her needed being with, and interacting with you. Children that age don't play with each other, they play alongside each other, worker was silly.

JamieComeHome · 25/11/2011 17:23

I also agree the staff member is perhaps not very knowledgeable.

It's really easy to feel solely and completely responsible for every part of their development with your first child, but then if you have a second child I think you notice how much of it is down to the temperament of the child.

exoticfruits · 25/11/2011 17:25

Don't worry-it would be a sad life if we were all blighted from babies!
DS2 didn't say much, he went to loads of groups-he wasn't treated differently from DS1 who talked non stop. My friend's DC didn't talk at all until 5 yrs when he started in sentences and hasn't stopped since.
You cannot look at the 2 yr old and see what you will have as a teenager. There are many surprises.

nickschic · 25/11/2011 17:27

My eldest ds was taken to every group going,he came with me to visit the nursery I was employed at before his arrival,I nannied when he was very small for a baby only 2 months older than him,he didnt speak til he was 4.

Hes never been particularly social,prefers his own company and really all that socialising was of no benefit to him-hes now studying law at manchester uni!

exoticfruits · 25/11/2011 17:28

DS2 who was the silent, home loving DS toddler was the outgoing teenager. DS3 who was everyone's friend as a toddler, chatty, smiley, outgoing was the introverted teenager. I think it is far more nature than nurture.

Svrider · 25/11/2011 17:33

Wow what a supportive aibi
Please listen to all the above OP and go easy on yourself
You can wrap yourself in knots if you try to do everything "perfectly"
Chill and enjoy your dsSmile

Svrider · 25/11/2011 17:34

Aibi is aibu btw