Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL and invasion of privacy

31 replies

HumanRemains · 22/11/2011 23:20

My ex-husband's sister has been a great support to me and my two teenage girls (14 and 18) since my husband and I split up (10 yrs ago). She's always been on hand for baby sitting and has always been very generous when it comes to buying the girls treats.

However, she often has to come into the house when I'm not here, i.e. if I'm at work when she drops the girls back, and it drives me mad when I find that she's rearranged the cupboards or replaced bits of furniture with pieces she's found in charity shops that she thinks are better than what we already have, i.e. lamps, rugs, etc. So far, I've managed to bite my tongue as I know it's only done through kindness rather than any malice, even though none of it is to my taste.

Things came to a head at the weekend when she spent the day with my youngest daughter. When she dropped her home, I wasn't back from picking up my eldest from work, and while she was here she went into my eldest daughter's bedroom and took away her laundry for washing, rearranged her bedroom, emptied her bin and generally had a good poke around. She also bought me a new quilt cover for my bed which was very kind, but rather than leave it for me, in say, the kitchen, she actually took my bedding off my bed and replaced it with the new stuff!

My eldest dd was absolutely mortified that this happened and I can't say I blame her. It feels like a complete invasion of privacy and really overstepping the boundary.

Tomorrow, I intend to phone her and say that although I'm grateful for her help, she must not go into our bedrooms, take away washing or rearrange furniture. I know she'll take offence. AIBU?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 23:22

YANBU

But all the same she sounds so lovely

troisgarcons · 22/11/2011 23:22

Why does she have a key?

OldGreyWassailTest · 22/11/2011 23:23

I'm guessing she doesn't have children? It sounds as though she is living her life through your family.

Original poster
HumanRemains · 22/11/2011 23:24

You're right OldGrey, she's in her 50's and doesn't have children. You might have a point there.

OP posts:
runningwilde · 22/11/2011 23:24

No of course yanbu at all! It is incredibly rude of her to do this. I wonder why she has no idea of boundaries?! Tell her gently though! Let us know how you get on!

Original poster
HumanRemains · 22/11/2011 23:25

Troisgarcons - she doesn't have a key, but the girls do and she comes in with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
HumanRemains · 22/11/2011 23:28

How can I say something without upsetting her, I just know I'm going to put my foot in it!

OP posts:
LemonDifficult · 22/11/2011 23:31

YANBU, of course. But it sounds as though you'll get more out of this by going slowly and not addressing it head on. I'd say don't phone her.

Maybe wait until you next see her and just say something along the lines of 'You are so kind in all that you do, but really, DD1 is at a very private age and I feel that bedroom space needs to be respected. Anyway, at 18 she needs and wants to do her own laundry. I think I probably feel exactly the same way about people in my bedroom, really.'

You're right though. This is all sounds very important to her so she will dwell on it and take huge umbridge.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 22/11/2011 23:31

YANBU my mum try's to help by offering to change my bed sheets. Had to sprint up the stairs to stop her.

It is done with the best of intensions though.

troisgarcons · 22/11/2011 23:33

You girls are 14 and 18 - if she comes in with them, Im sorry, but they are capable of telling their aunt not to invade their personal space.

Although, what you do about your bedroom is entirely another matter.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 22/11/2011 23:33

Tread carefully. It's clearly fucking annoying, but done out of love. She's been doing this 10 years - just because it's got to boiling point for you (probably because of DD1's reaction) as far as she's concerned this is going to come as a big shock.

I think you need to use kid gloves. I'd wait until I saw her, or invite her out for coffee or something, don't do it over the phone.

Tell her that now the girls are older, you no longer go in their rooms as they like their privacy and you think it would be good if she'd do the same - tell her that you want them to feel comfortable living at home for as long as possible and that by giving them their private spaces this is more likely.

Then tell her that you have also said to them that you want your own private space, so you have agreed they don't go in your room either and that you are really liking having that private space also.

Then say to her that you really really appreciate all the bits & pieces she's bought for you over the years, but that from now on you want to buy those things for yourself so that you can develop more of your own style (or some other bs).

Then change the subject. Try not to be too harsh :)

Selks · 22/11/2011 23:39

She replaces your furniture while you're out? Jeez!
What I'd do is tell her you've lost your door key in town and need to get a new lock fitted .... then don't give her a new key. Devious I know but might avoid upsetting her (compared to saying something).

BigMommaJo72 · 22/11/2011 23:43

The thought of someone being in my room and rearranging my stuff while I wasn't there makes my skin crawl! You need to get this sorted!

BigMommaJo72 · 22/11/2011 23:46

Does she only do it when you're not there?

Original poster
HumanRemains · 22/11/2011 23:51

Only goes in the bedrooms when I'm not there, but she'll spend a happy 10 minutes sorting out my fridge while I am there. She's unbelievable really but I know it's only done out of kindness ... I don't think she can help it.

Thanks for everyone's advice, and I think you're right, I won't go in guns blazing over the phone, I'll invite her over and have the conversation over a bottle of wine. I'll also ask the girls to be a bit firmer with her when I'm not here.

Cheers x

OP posts:
Turtleshark · 22/11/2011 23:58

OMG I could not stand that. I'm very private about my personal space.

I would have to say something - when she goes to the fridge I would just say "Can you leave the fridge please? I have it the way I want it already?" If she changes something I would ask "Why have you taken away my lamp/rug?" Please change it back and don't do that again.

This is not help, this is interference.

I know it's not the same but we have a cleaner working for us (not in UK) and I have to be really specific about what she can and can't do otherwise she treats my house like her own!

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2011 23:59

But is it kind when you don't actually know if the recipients want you to do what you're doing?
It's not malicious, but it's kind of controlling.

Clownsarescary · 23/11/2011 00:11

OP she does sound so lovely and giving. Be gentle Smile

I think you're probably feeling its a step too far at times. I have a sister, and she is a close sister, not a sil (who has her own children but doesn't work iyswim) and when she comes to mine, she brings stuff, lays it down, rearranges furniture, all sorts. But then when I'm not there she cleans musty cupboards out and all that and I love it. Smile

I find it slightly patronising that she does it, but I still love it. Smile

Clownsarescary · 23/11/2011 00:12

sorry about overuse of smilies then

HardCheese · 23/11/2011 00:14

Dear God, OP, I found myself getting cross on your behalf just reading your post! However kindly-meant, this is deeply inappropriate behaviour which doesn't respect your boundaries, your privacy and your space! I'm surprised it took your daughter's outrage to allow you to articulate your own annoyance about the situation. You need to act for everyone's sake - good luck. And I agree that your daughters should back you up by re-establishing boundaries when you aren't at home.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 23/11/2011 00:19

OK, this is not kindness. This is controlling, interfering creepy behaviour. You and your DDs are not dolls for her to play with, nor are you her pets. Your choices of bedding, furniture etc are valid, she should not be replacing your possessions with things she thinks are better.

iscream · 23/11/2011 09:47

Yanbu to want this to stop. But do be gentle and diplomatic, it seems like you have all been adopted by her as her own. Does she live alone, does she like animals? Could she perhaps turn her nurturing ways towards a pet? Consider taking her to the pound to look at animals, if she seems to like one, ask her if she would like a puppy/kitten for Christmas?

2rebecca · 23/11/2011 10:20

This would annoy me and in retrospect should have been stamped on the first time she did it.
I agree that now it has been going on for years you have to be careful not to release years of anger at this at her when she thinks she's been helpful.
You're right that it can wait.
The strategy of thanking her for stuff and asking her to just leave it in future and not rearrange your stuff is sensible. At least she shouldn't be needing to look after your daughters for more than another couple of years anyway so then she won't be in your house without you.
At 16 I'm surprised your eldest daughter didn't ask her to leave her room alone. You could use your daughter's reaction as one reason you are raising it now in a
"teenagers are very private about their bedrooms and don't like adults rearranging them. I know it was meant well but lease could you not tidy up and rearrange our house when you drop them off".

difficulttimes · 23/11/2011 10:25

yanbu but must be a horrible situation OP ,

I would ring her and make it about your daughter feeling a violation of privacy, i.e shes a teen she needs her privacy. she can't really object to that.

SmethwickBelle · 23/11/2011 10:33

I'm not sure I side with the "how kind" brigade - I think that's pretty weird behaviour - it's exerting some sort of control over your private spaces and that's not on! My mum or sister might load the dishwasher or wipe down a side or two without being asked but moving furniture and installing new things in someone elses house is overstepping boundaries left right and centre.

I think other people have come up with some very good strategies in terms of framing it in your daughter's need for privacy, but it would be OK to ask her not to just because it's your house.