SIL and invasion of privacy

[HumanRemains]

My ex-husband's sister has been a great support to me and my two teenage girls (14 and 18) since my husband and I split up (10 yrs ago). She's always been on hand for baby sitting and has always been very generous when it comes to buying the girls treats.

However, she often has to come into the house when I'm not here, i.e. if I'm at work when she drops the girls back, and it drives me mad when I find that she's rearranged the cupboards or replaced bits of furniture with pieces she's found in charity shops that she thinks are better than what we already have, i.e. lamps, rugs, etc. So far, I've managed to bite my tongue as I know it's only done through kindness rather than any malice, even though none of it is to my taste.

Things came to a head at the weekend when she spent the day with my youngest daughter. When she dropped her home, I wasn't back from picking up my eldest from work, and while she was here she went into my eldest daughter's bedroom and took away her laundry for washing, rearranged her bedroom, emptied her bin and generally had a good poke around. She also bought me a new quilt cover for my bed which was very kind, but rather than leave it for me, in say, the kitchen, she actually took my bedding off my bed and replaced it with the new stuff!

My eldest dd was absolutely mortified that this happened and I can't say I blame her. It feels like a complete invasion of privacy and really overstepping the boundary.

Tomorrow, I intend to phone her and say that although I'm grateful for her help, she must not go into our bedrooms, take away washing or rearrange furniture. I know she'll take offence. AIBU?

Has she been watching too many TV makeover programmes?

I often think I'd be seething with suppressed fury if I came home from a weekend away to find someone had Groundforced my garden or de-junked my home, however 'lovely' the result.

You need to make a point of addressing things as they happen - if she's in the fridge just say 'Oi, you, out of tMY fridge!' with a grin on your face to show that there's no malice.

You could have a conversation about how you're intending to redo a particular room, and say "I'm going to love being completely selfish and decorating MY way, with no input from anybody, not even my girls!".

"DS1 is at the stage where she really loves her privacy now, I'm not allowed in her bedroom at all unless she invites me! Not a bad thing though because having her own space that she is solely responsible for will help her develop and be responsible for herself, don't you think? But it's so hard, you just want to molly coddle them and do everything for them... it's so hard to let go..."

These sort of comments, will be less hurtful because after 10 years your SIL will be absolutely MORTIFIED that you think she has been interfering all of these years.

If you make the comments too vague though there's a chance she won't get the point, or you labour the point with loads of vague comments. I also prefer direct criticism to indirect and if someone criticised me would rather they said
"please stop rearranging my stuff" than went on about it at length in an opaque way.
I would keep the conversation onthis brief though and then change to a more pleasant topic and one where you can work together, maybe have something in your mind.

YANBU but perhaps she thinks she is helping?

I'd totally freak out if someone did that to me - but I'd have freaked the first time, and not let them do it for 10 years. I agree with those who say it's controlling rather than "nice" or "kind" - she isn't treating you as a separate adult person with a right to make your own choices, but as a pet or possession.

If you rely on her help, then perhaps you don't want to have a big fallout about this, but you do need to address it. Short and clear would be my way of doing it - "Thanks, but I'd much rather you didn't replace my things while I'm out, could you stop that please. Now, tea or coffee?, I've got some nice biscuits in"

YANBU. I also don't completely agree with the idea that she's just being kind. She's trying to exercise some kind of control over your life. The thing is, from her pov there's a quid pro quo going on here - she is good enough to help you out, therefore she has a right to interfere with what's in your cupboards and move your furniture around. If you challenged her, she would probably say something like, "But I help you so much and this is all the thanks I get."

So I think you need to accept that if you do address it with her it will probably result in a bust-up and you won't get the free babysitting any more.