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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

pleased to be seperated for 1 yr from ex-h so why I am jealous he has a GF now????

26 replies

Boobalina · 21/11/2011 22:24

I dont understand it?! He was in the main a crap husband but is a caring Dad. We seperated mutally a whole year ago, I have never once looked back. He asked me if we 'made a mistake' and should we try again - I flatly and kindly so no, not ever never will we do that again. That was in July.

Now he has his first GF (dating since Aug i think?) and I feel really horrid about it?!

I've not met her, nor have the kids either. I dont ask him about it, he did initially blurt out he wasnt sure about her, had a huge block about the whole thing, couldnt be 'intimate' with her etc.... however, he has now introduced her to some mutal friends and I think he is taking her to meet his family this weekend.

I feel replaced, but I dont want him.

I am probably being v.u I know...

(Plus I am single with NOTHING on horizon... I may have to buy a cat soon to bolster my spinster image)

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 21/11/2011 22:29

I think it's perfectly normal, even if you have no regrets. Not unreasonable at all.

Don't get a cat though, that's a slippery slope.

JaneFonda · 21/11/2011 22:29

Oh lovie, it must be tough, but I certainly don't think you're BU to THINK it!

It sounds like a perfectly normal reaction to be honest - I think you just need to keep reassuring yourself that you can't be replaced as your DC's mum. :)

As long as you keep sensible about the whole thing, and don't actually tell XH what you think, everything will work out.

You said in your OP that he's a good dad - make sure you let him carry on being that, regardless of whether he has a girlfriend or not, and you'll give yourself a good name by not being a jealous ex, and also give your kids the support they need.

Original poster

Boobalina · 21/11/2011 22:33

Its so hard - naturally I facebook stalked her and she had all her photo's public... she looks nice enough, bit plain (I know that sounds horrid)

I think I am possibly jealous of the fact he fell out of love with me years ago, and now he is having those feelings for someone else.

And now he was shit with me, I taught him how to cook (no really I did!) clean, run a house, decorate etc... he will go on to be a perfect husband...

I am such a sour cow :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Boobalina · 21/11/2011 22:35

Also, she has a high flying job but is early thirties, never been married or had kids.... she might be DESPARATE for a baby and to settle down...

I'm being a nob arent I?

OP posts:

TheCountessRoyalofBlood · 21/11/2011 22:41

OK
Yup, you don't want him by your own admission but that doesn't mean he won't be suitable for someone else and what is to say she won't be a lovely person, easy going, good to your children and perhaps one day give them siblings that they will love?

If you really suddenly think you can't live without him, and you honestly can't then mention it and take it slowly like any new relationship. But you dumped him? You will always be the mother of his children, he has done nothing wrong by moving on and it would be selfish to say anything to him to give him false hope for a non existent relationship.

But know all this and I would probably feel exactly the same, tis only natural. Good luck and don't get a cat, they fart worse than men!

JaneFonda · 21/11/2011 22:42

Quite simply, yes. :o

At the end of the day, it's none of your business what she's like, until she meets your kids. Even then, you just need to know that she is nice and kind and will be lovely to your kids - the fact that she may or may not be broody is entirely irrelevant!

TheCountessRoyalofBlood · 21/11/2011 22:43

Oh and going on to be the perfect husband second time round? I am not sure my ma (2nd wife) would ever agree with that

Original poster

Boobalina · 21/11/2011 22:46

I know - I am sure she will be perfectly charming and nice.

I'm being a sour old cow is all. We seperately mutally. I dont want him back at all.

I think its because he has quite rightly started to move on and its the most selfish realisation of 'oh, I am replaceable?' I know I am being an old drama queen.

Poor cow, if anything, she will probably be more anxious about meeting me and the kids, than we will be of her?

OP posts:

slavetofilofax · 21/11/2011 22:46

As long as you don't do anything about it, YANBU. It's completly normal to feel the way you do.

Original poster

Boobalina · 21/11/2011 22:51

I havent done a single thing and wont. I think exH expects me to be inquistitve and jealous - so I am deliberately not doing those things (publicly).

I think if I had someone in my life maybe I wouldnt care so much?

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 21/11/2011 22:51

naturally I facebook stalked her and she had all her photo's public... she looks nice enough, bit plain (I know that sounds horrid)

I think I am possibly jealous of the fact he fell out of love with me years ago, and now he is having those feelings for someone else.

You arent over him, you think you are but you arent. You want to keep him dangling on a string. You cant stand him moving on. You need to know how to let go. You didnt want him. Someone else does. Someone who might not think hes crap.

I guess you are still on your own?

JosieZ · 21/11/2011 22:54

Yes, its weird. Women get sooo jealous.

My OH had been married before but was on his own when he met me. I was out for drinks with a friend and a neighbour. Turned out that both were second wives too. Jeeesh! If any of the exes had turned up unexpectedly a nail file through the heart would have been the least of it.

The neighbour had been married for about 20 years then but mention of the ex still brought up the green eyed monster.

My middle daughter is going out with a divorcee with 2 children from his first marriage and a child from before he appeared on the scene. So that means an ex-wife And children to be jealous of. I hope she can cope.

NonnoMum · 21/11/2011 22:57

It may develop into a full-blown relationship. They may marry, they may have kids, your DC may have half siblings...

That's what happens when people split up.

You may marry, have more kids, win the lottery... Who knows?

Bogeyface · 21/11/2011 22:59

Regardless of the fact that you have no feelings for him, he should still be in love with you and should be for the rest of his life!

I was gutted, really gutted when my ex BF got married. We had gone out for a year (we were each others "firsts") and had split up 10 years previously. It was ridiculous! I didnt harbour any feelings for him and wouldnt have got back with him but for some reason I felt like he had betrayed me :o

I think its just a bit of a smack to our egos to think that we can be replaced, I would let the feelings happen and they will fade soon enough. Mine did. Although the jealousy did come back a bit when the career that I thought made him a boring nerd actually made him a multi millionaire..... sigh....

workshy · 21/11/2011 23:03

I felt like this about my nasty, glad to be rid of him ex and thinking about it, I wasn't jealous that he was going out with someone because I wanted him back

but I wanted someone, and was jealouse that he was the one who had met someone first whileI told all and sundry that I wasn't looking and was perfectly happy by myself -bollocks
I was jealous that he had the freedom to date when I didn't (he only had the kids a couple of nights a fortnight) and I also thought -how come when he was so nasty to me he has managed to find someone -what's wrong with me???

nothing is ever simple

Original poster

Boobalina · 21/11/2011 23:05

troisgarcons - I am not in any way wanting to keep him dangling on a thread - I have not ONCE since separating given him a single atom of false hope.

If you read my OP you will see I dont want him back, I am over him - he wasnt a very nice husband.

I am on my own but there is no need to imply that is all of my own making?

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Original poster

Boobalina · 21/11/2011 23:06

WorkShy - you have summed it up beautifully.

Its bollocks isnt it!

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 21/11/2011 23:08

No one said ot was of your making.

You are lonely (hey, you mentioned buying a cat) - you are jealous he's moved on. If you are jealous then you havent reconciled in your mind he doesnt want you and has moved on. You can kid yourself all you like. But you are the one that hasn't put the death of the relationship to bed.

if you had moved on and still held affection for him, you'd be pleased he opened a new chapter in his life.

workshy · 21/11/2011 23:11

you can be pleased for them on one level but it does make you question yourself and have a bit of a strop (internally anyway)

Original poster

Boobalina · 21/11/2011 23:12

Troisgarcon - is life really that simple and ordered and snappy for you?

Have you been through anything similar and just popped everything in clearly marked mental boxes and let nothing oddly rattle you?

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 21/11/2011 23:15

Ah - you're doing this - interesting reading. I found it helpful even though the one I was all "Why her and not me?" about was years ago.

It didn't bother me when XP got into a new relationship. I was probably too cynical about it TBH Still, not one of them has lasted longer than a year and the current on/off one is a complete car crash, so I was right, really.

In fact taking from that article I think is a very good point. By the time I left XP I was thoroughly convinced that he was a nob and that nothing I could ever have done would change that. So the fact he's reinforced that by going on to be a terribly controlling and abusive partner in his subsequent relationships I suppose reminds me of that that it was nothing to do with me.

I think the thing which is hard to remember is that even if they do go on to have a good relationship with someone else is that it's not you who is wrong, it's still either "them" or "them and you together" which didn't work. Unless you keep having crap relationships, in which case you probably need to do a bit of work on your own self esteem and boundaries.

Whatmeworry · 21/11/2011 23:17

What this sort of thing does is questions your own judgement and makes you feel less certain of your path, especially if you don't yet have a partner.

I think you have to remember why you split up and remember leopards don't usually change spots

Original poster

Boobalina · 21/11/2011 23:22

Thanks bertie and Whatmeworry - very thoughtful insights to bear in mind.

I think I have been having a bit of a self-pitying wallow that I am single and now he isnt. He's a nob and gets a GF, I'm a nice person and I am single... but I am trying to be VERY selective this time round.

OP posts:

itsalladirtylie · 21/11/2011 23:24

boobalina, I think it's perfectly natural to have those sorts of thoughts, you sound like a very sane and rational sort of person who will be able to deal with your feelings and process everything in time.

Original poster

Boobalina · 21/11/2011 23:29

Thank you Itsall - thats very thoughtful of you to say that.

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