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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think this isn't fair...

32 replies

Atwaroverscrabble · 21/11/2011 19:48

Ok, brief potted history...

Dh and i have bern together 5 years, married for 4. He has a daughter who is 16 and until Sept lived with her mum and saw us once a month or so whenever she could be bothered to come over. She now lives with us and has seen her mum twice since moving in (45 miles away, her mum and my dh don't drive, only me and she lives in a tiny villge). I have a ds who is 12 and sees his dad alternate weekends and his dad does most of the drive to an fro, again 45 miles away. We also have a dd who is 2.

Anyway, since getting together my mum has always ensured she treats dsd the same as ds and now dd and spent exactly the same on them. Dont see her much as she is 250 miles away and is v skint. She spends about £10 each for xmas and birthdays and thats fine.

Dh's parents live 45 miles away and we prob see them once a month. When we go up dsd basically ignores them but ds will chat and help out. When its time to go dh's dad gives dh £20-40 for petrol (dh never pays for petrol, i do, and dh generally gives me £10 and keeps the rest for his spends... Anyway thats irrelevant for now)...
Dh's dad then slips ds a couple of quid and gives dsd anything between £5 and £20... So unequal there but hey its not worth stressing about. However birthdays and xmas have started to niggle me a bit and i need to know if iabu or not...

Birthdays and xmas ds is usually given a £20-30 voucher from the IL's, dsd however is given a stack of presents, £40-50 cash plus £75-100 in vouchers....

Is this fair? I know its totally up to them what they spend etc but it seems so over the top and i think in front of ds it is a but cruel... Perhaps give her the money discretely? Or better still perhaps treat them the same? Aibu? I wont say anything to them btw....

OP posts:

madonnawhore · 21/11/2011 19:52

No it's not really fair, but it's their prerogative.

What's more unfair is your DH not giving you the money for petrol despite the fact that he doesn't even drive. That is twattish.

squeakytoy · 21/11/2011 19:52

Does you ds receive money and gifts off his own fathers parents?

I think they are being quite generous in sending gifts to a child that is not their grandchild anyway.

YABU.

cricketballs · 21/11/2011 19:56

as it sounds like dsd doesn't receive much from her bm (and therefore I'm guessing from bm's family) maybe dh's parents are trying to make up for that?

DamnBamboo · 21/11/2011 19:57

It's unfortunate really but what can you do.
My mum always forgets my DSD, simply because she has so many grandchildren and very rarely sees my DSD anyway so it just doesn't feature heavily for her. She does give a token gift to her and I'm a bit about it by my husband, DSDs dad, accepts that that's the way it is.

DamnBamboo · 21/11/2011 19:59

They actually sound quite generous to be honest.
Giving your DH money for petrol.

Birdsgottafly · 21/11/2011 20:02

Your DS has your ex's side of the family to get gifts from, she is their bio GDD and so only has them.

Teenage girls can be like you are describing but it doesn't mean that what they receive off GP's should be any less, love is unconditional.

Maybe they are making up for her having to, to and fro, between parents.

As an older teenage girl, she will have alot more outgoings than a 12 year old boy, anyway.

Backtobedlam · 21/11/2011 20:22

I personally would treat them all the same, and I think it's a bit mean not to. If your ds sees them regularly he should be treated the same-you are all part of their extended family after all. I suppose it comes down to whether you can actually say anything to them or not...I'd be too scared to bring it up with my ILs so would probably pay the difference myself

Original poster

Atwaroverscrabble · 21/11/2011 20:26

Dsd gets loads from her mums family too so ds getting things from his dads family doesnt really come into it, i think what riles me a little is my mum treats the same but dh's doesnt even though thy are all known as nanny and grandad to all kids...

I know its their perogative and no i would never say anything i just feel for ds... And its doubly annoying because i know that if it was my mum favouring ds over dsd he would be ranting at me like a mad man!

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 21/11/2011 20:41

YABU. If the ILs ignore your DS, that's one thing, but they don't. They do spend time and money on him.

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 21/11/2011 20:45

I think you are being unreasonable, she is their flesh and blood, what you should be getting on top of is your husbands greed taking the petrol money, If I were you I would tell him you wont drive him again unless he puts the petrol in the car

hopenglory · 21/11/2011 20:52

Out of all of that, the only thing to feel pissed off about is your husband keeping the petrol money. He's an adult, he shouldn't be getting pocket money from his father

ledkr · 21/11/2011 20:53

In these days of blended families i do believe every child in a family should be treated the same.
You wouldnt give a friends dc's different values of gifts or money so why do it to a family member?
My pils are very carefull to treat dd1 and 2 the same even tho dd1 is their sgd.I think it would be rude and embarrassing if they didnt.

Is it ok for me and dh to spend more on our child at xmas than on dd1? After all she isnt his flesh and blood.

EightiesChick · 21/11/2011 21:13

Tell you one thing, you need to make sure the petrol has run low next time you are due to visit your inlaws, and have 'mysteriously' left your cashcard at home. AND/OR when your FIL hands over money, say 'Oh, I think it's my turn to take that, I filled the tank up last time'.

ledkr · 22/11/2011 07:43

Fab idea or better stil time it to run out for the return journey so that you can fill up with the exact amount he gives to dh and hav no other way of paying

slavetofilofax · 22/11/2011 07:57

I can see why you think it's unfair, but there's nothing you can do. They are still generous to your ds.

I was the child that got given a pound on every visit from my step GP's as a child while my step sisters got 20 each, and I did notice and think it was unfair at the time. I still do now really. But it's tough.

Now they have died and my step sisters got a fortune in inheritance, I got nothing but I didn't see them often so I wouldn't expect anything.

What they all do is up to them, but I would expect your dh to be giving you all of the money for petrol. Why are they giving you money for visiting anyway? You and dh are a bit too old for pocket money.

Catslikehats · 22/11/2011 08:02

I can see why you think it is unfair and I would like to think that I would do things differently ( treat all DC's equally) but there is little you can do.

I would be much more irritated by my DH pocketing the petrol money - tight bastard!

DuelingFanio · 22/11/2011 08:05

He's 12 and he's not their grandson so it doesn't seem unfair. They are generous enough I think. Though your DH is an arse for not giving you petrol money and if it were me I would be running the car right down so that he has to buy the petrol - or asking him for it outright.

Original poster

Atwaroverscrabble · 22/11/2011 08:33

To be honest i wish they didnt give 'us' petrol money, yes we are skint but i don't need to be paid to visit anyone!

When i have confronted dh about this (i found out it had been happening for over a year with no mention to me!) he got all arsey and said that they are his parents etc and as he has to go to the pub as soon as we get home because the journey stresses him out he felt that he needed the money! I have had a go at him about this and told him i am fed up always driving but he has been saying for a couple of years he'll learn but he hasn't even sent off for a licence...

I understand what you are all saying about the il's and ds... My mum has sent me up a cheque to get pressies for the kids this year and going on past years it would be £10 each for ds, dd and dsd but given what you are saying about not being blood relative etc would it be fair to spend less on dsd than on ds and dd out of this cheque?

OP posts:

OhTheConfusion · 22/11/2011 09:08

When I met DH I already had DS and DD1 (we now also have DD2). DH's parents have always sent gifts for the three children for roughly the same value.

DH and I would not have it any other way, but again he views DS and DD1 as his children, as they are a part of me, and not as his step children so perhaps that makes a difference.

nomoreheels · 22/11/2011 09:11

Your DH sounds childish & greedy. He "needs" to go to the pub to deal with the visit, yet happily pockets their cash? He's acting like a teenager.

Do you think your DS feels upset by the gift imbalance?

OurPlanetNeptune · 22/11/2011 09:29

Ummm op there is a huge difference being being a step mother, where (as in your situation) your DSD lives with you and a being step grand daughter.

It is very immature and churlish of you to consider giving your step daughter less because you husband's parents give your son less. If you want to create drama and conflict in your household - go ahead and do it.

I personally think your husband parents are being generous enough. I am a little bemused at the immaturity displayed by your husband. Honestly he seems a bit of a tit. Man-child alert.

OurPlanetNeptune · 22/11/2011 09:30

sorry the first sentence should read

there is a huge difference being being a step mother, where (as in your situation) your DSD lives with you and a being step grand parent who occasionally sees step grand daughter

lesley33 · 22/11/2011 09:33

No you shouldn't give your DSD less out of your mum's money. Your mum kindly treats all the children equally. To spend less on your DSD would be undoing all her good intentions to treat the DC equally.

EnjoyResponsibly · 22/11/2011 09:38

YABU I really dislike tally keeping, your DS gets a gift and quite a hefty one at that.

But the fact that your tally keeping doesn't extend to the fact your own DH takes the piss with the finances is the really U part. Maybe if you took the time to examine that, rather than your ILs behaviour you might get somewhere.

gramercy · 22/11/2011 09:48

You sound a bit money obsessed. Your in-laws sound generous - not equally generous, but very generous nonetheless and I think you should focus on that rather than quibbling about who's got what.

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