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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected DH to speak up?

54 replies

TheRealMrsHannigan · 21/11/2011 12:35

MIL is a heavy smoker, however we have never let her smoke around DD and she opens the windows and back door an hour before we visit to the air the place out as she knows we don't like DD in smoky environments.

I have had to speak to her before about 'promoting smoking' to DD ( she pointed to unlighted roll up cigarettes and was saying 'look, these are Gran's fags' ) I told her I dont want her saying that, trying to imitate smoking or being around it, I find it vulgar. That was many months ago and we've had no problems since.

This weekend we visited, and she had a stick shaped sweet which she gave to DD and held in her mouth like a cigarette saying 'look smoke like Gran' Angry

DH sat there and didnt say a word, I had to tell DD to stop doing that, smoking is dirty. I then had to ask her not to encourage that behaviour.

I am annoyed that DH says nothing, we are both non smokers, he finds it as horrible as I do, and it is HIS mum. I feel he should speak up instead of waiting for me to do so, DD is his child too after all.
When we left I asked why he didnt say anything and he said he didnt want to offend his mum! AIBU in thinking he should speak up in these kind of situations?

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 21/11/2011 12:38

Yanbu

your mil sounds thick.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 21/11/2011 12:41

YANBU to expect him to speak to his mum. I imagine she is my age or thereabouts. Sweety cigarettes were the thing to give your children then, that and sweet coconut tobacco. It was pretty standard. Your MiL is stuck in the past. At least she airs the house before you visit.
I doubt your DD will take up smoking. My 10.6 DD loathes it with a passion. She was thrilled to bits when I managed to stop.

MrSpoc · 21/11/2011 12:42

Op may be he didnt want to sound as barmy as you.

Who are you to dictate what she does in her own house.

Original poster
TheRealMrsHannigan · 21/11/2011 12:44

Kreecher she is mid fifties. She seems to find it hilarious to encourage her grandchildren to imitate inappropriate things, the smoking being the most regular example.
I am just a bit fed up of being the one having to say 'can you not....' when she pulls stunts like this. We dont let her babysit and have explained this is because we cannot trust her not to smoke around DD (on a previous occasion she let DD into her room whilst I was in the bathroom, where she was smoking!). She knows our stance on passive smoking etc, so it really winds me up.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRealMrsHannigan · 21/11/2011 12:46

Mrspoc am I really barmy not to want my toddler talking about 'fags' and pretending to smoke? I doubt I can be the only person to feel like that.

OP posts:
eaglewings · 21/11/2011 12:50

No, you are not barmy!

HappyCamel · 21/11/2011 12:53

YANBU re MIL's behaviour, it's childish and your DH leaving you to tackle it. Smoking kills, it's not as if you're getting upset about chocolate buttons.

squeakytoy · 21/11/2011 12:54

Can I ask. Do you blindfold your child when you take her out in public, where people might be smoking, or drinking alcohol?

(I am wondering if this is why I see so many buggies being pushed around with a towel draped over the child... I thought there had been a ban on sun parasols but maybe it is more of a precaution against a child seeing things that may be a bit "vulgar").

pictish · 21/11/2011 12:56

I agree with squeakytoy.

Fgs stop making a drama out of nothing OP.

Original poster
TheRealMrsHannigan · 21/11/2011 12:57

No I do not blindfold her, but people on the street are not saying to her 'DC, copy this, pretend to smoke' in the active way that my MIL did.

DD has asked about smoking, as of course she has seen it, we have always told her it's very bad for you etc, I don't like this being counteracted by MIL making out it's a fun thing to do. I also do not want her in a room with a nicotine caused fog. I don;t get why MIL can respect that, by airing the place out, but on the other hand encourage her to imitate it.

DH sitting by playing deaf is just the icing on the aggravating cake.

OP posts:
Sevenfold · 21/11/2011 12:58

yabu and ott
she probably did it just to wind you up. it worked

kaluki · 21/11/2011 12:59

Well its not like she gave her a real fag and lit it up for her is it?
You are being a bit OTT I think.
Your dc will see people smoking (and probably doing a lot worse) in her life. Its your job to educate her not to do it herself but also to accept that others don't have to make the same choices!

moosemurphy · 21/11/2011 13:10

I am in my fifties. Both my parents and one grandparent smoked heavily when I was a child. Packets of sweets shaped like cigarettes were sold back in the sixties, and I was an enthusiastic consumer, and it made me feel very grown up imitating my mum and dad by pretending to smoke. When it was cold outside so you could see your breath, I also pretended to smoke.

I have never ever smoked a cigarette in my life. I hated the smell of it when I was a child and still hate it now. I doubt very much if your dd will be influenced to take up smoking because of the actions of her gm.

JamieComeHome · 21/11/2011 13:13

squeaky, kaluki - having someone she loves and looks up to encourage her to think smoking is great, is not the same as her just seeing random people in the street smoking.

Sounds like MIL is childish and enjoys winding people up

JamieComeHome · 21/11/2011 13:15

this is the sort of thing my grandad did, but that was about 35 years ago. People know better than to smoke around kids now.

JamieComeHome · 21/11/2011 13:18

BTW - I think your DH should say something. If he hates it as much as you do then he's being spineless leaving it to you to protect your child

MrSpoc · 21/11/2011 13:18

i think you come across as very rude, telling daughter how disgusting it is in front of the MIL.

You sound up your own arse. No wonder MIL is trying to wind you up.

RomanKindle · 21/11/2011 13:23

You are being ott. And your attitude will make smoking very desirable to your dd as a rebellious teen. You don't really need to worry about her smoking before then and she won't start because she is influenced by her gran - it will be her friends.
I would just counteract anything your mil says with the message you want to give. So when she says 'smoke like gran' just say something like 'it's a good job it's just a sweet and not a stinky cigarette that can make you ill'. I'm sure your mil will get the hint.

edam · 21/11/2011 13:24

I smoke. Sweetie cigarettes were around when I was little (late 70s, early 80s) but I don't think the two things are related - I hated adults smoking around me as a child, only started when I went to university and got drunk, a lot, around smokers. Sounds as if your MIL is stuck in the past and a bit thick but don't treat this one thing as a huge deal. Think the bigger issue is dh not backing you up or leaving it up to you to say 'this is not on.' That would irritate the hell out of me!

Original poster
TheRealMrsHannigan · 21/11/2011 13:25

Hmm Mrspoc

Thanks Roman, I might have to try that approach if it happens again. DH and I havent argued over it, I just asked why he'd left it to me, I haven't been having screaming histrionics I promise! On the whole I get on with my IL's very well, I do not dislike MIL, just some of her actions leaving me gritting my teeth.

OP posts:
TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 21/11/2011 13:28

YABU. Your DD will either smoke or not smoke. Having people around her telling her how bad smoking is wont change that nor will people telling her to smoke. Be pleased she has grandparents who want to be around her

5Foot5 · 21/11/2011 13:28

moosemurphy You could almost be me!

I too grew up in a house with a heavy smoker and, like you, I remember having those sweetie cigarettes and playing at smoking.

I never smoked for real nor was I ever tempted to.

OP I think you are being a bit too precious about this.

BadTasteFlump · 21/11/2011 13:37

YANBU and you are not 'barmy'.

TBH in your situation I would avoid going to your MIL's house at all - I don't think 'airing' a house where somebody smokes heavily really works, does it? I bet everything still stinks....

But yes, the main point here is you need to get DH on board and make him realise that he needs to be the one who talks to his mum when she does/says these things. If it's coming from her own son, she doesn't have much choice but to listen - if it comes from you, she's much more likely (IMO) to ignore you or carry on regardless.

AWimbaWay · 21/11/2011 13:38

YANBU, statistics show that children are far more likely to take up smoking if a family member does,

A quote from the cancer research website;

"Factors that encourage children to smoke include having parents, siblings and peers who smoke"

I'd be incredibly pissed off if my MIL did this.

OrmIrian · 21/11/2011 13:41

"I find it vulgar"

Oh dear.

Yes I guess if it matters to him as much as to you he should. But it sounds to me as if he is prepared to overlook it because he cares about his mother and doesn't want to start an all-out war.

FWIW I don't imagine your DD will start smoking because granny does it.