To have expected DH to speak up?

[TheRealMrsHannigan]

MIL is a heavy smoker, however we have never let her smoke around DD and she opens the windows and back door an hour before we visit to the air the place out as she knows we don't like DD in smoky environments.

I have had to speak to her before about 'promoting smoking' to DD ( she pointed to unlighted roll up cigarettes and was saying 'look, these are Gran's fags' ) I told her I dont want her saying that, trying to imitate smoking or being around it, I find it vulgar. That was many months ago and we've had no problems since.

This weekend we visited, and she had a stick shaped sweet which she gave to DD and held in her mouth like a cigarette saying 'look smoke like Gran'

DH sat there and didnt say a word, I had to tell DD to stop doing that, smoking is dirty. I then had to ask her not to encourage that behaviour.

I am annoyed that DH says nothing, we are both non smokers, he finds it as horrible as I do, and it is HIS mum. I feel he should speak up instead of waiting for me to do so, DD is his child too after all.
When we left I asked why he didnt say anything and he said he didnt want to offend his mum! AIBU in thinking he should speak up in these kind of situations?

YABU
You sound rather rude. You need to more tactful if you are not going to offend your MIL. I do agree that it is your husbands job to tackle this if he feels the same way that you do, though.

FWIW - my parents never smoked and always disliked it although back in the 50 and 60s it was so normal that they even kept a cigarette box for visitors who smoked. I smoked from the age of 13 until I was pregnant with DS1 15 yrs ago. My cousins were brought up in a smoky house because my aunt and uncle smoked like chimneys and all clean-lunged anti-smokers.

Unless I am blindingly without tact or diplomacy, I dont understand why any smoker would be offended by being told not to encourage a toddler to pretend to smoke? Or how it is rude to do so?

I am genuinely confused by that.

YADNBU!!

It's totally disrespectful and irresponsible of your MIL. She's you're child and your MIL should respect your wishes...your DH needs to grow up and grow a pair! Imagine trying to teach a toddler that smoking is good!

My PIL chain smoke, there's a constant thick smog in their house and they don't even have the mentality to open a window - yes it's their house so they can do what they like - I agree. But I don't think they can then complain if their pregnant, asthmatic DIL limits her visits!!

Some people are just really inconsiderate and just don't think.

your not wrong to discurage but you are very rude in your approach. Is that nopt hard to see?

By the way i dont smoke or ever have.

dont agree Cats its their bloody house. It is up to them what they do in it. I think its rude how you or the Op thinks its ok to dictate to other people what they can do in their own home.

Mrspoc I can assure you I am not rude to my MIL, like I said I actually get on well with my IL's for the most part, the only thing we have ever 'clashed' over for want of a better word, is smoking. They have other grandchildren who they smoke around because their parents do not object, DD is the only child who they have been told that we will not have her in a smoky atmosphere, and as I said, they do try to respect that by opening windows etc and smoking only outside before we visit.

On the odd occasion though they seem to 'relax' about it to maybe test the waters? I don't really know.

MIL was defnitely not offended by the 'it's dirty' remark, as FIL is a light smoker and he has told DD before that smoking is stinky and gross when she has seen MIL smoking in the garden on a visit. He refrains from smoking at all when we visit and knows we appreciate that.

I would point out anything that was likely to cause harm to my children. Smoking kills, I have family members that it has killed. I'm not going to pretend otherwise just to protect someone's feelings.

Another quote from the quitsmoking website for those who feel children aren't influenced by those smoking around them;

"Young people start smoking for many reasons, not all of them in your control. But statistics show that children whose parents smoke are twice as likely to smoke as children of nonsmokers."

MrSpoc - but if they do something harmful or disrespectful, then that's OK?
As Catsrule says - yes, they can do what they want, but I'd be limiting my visits

I don't dictate what others do in their own homes. I did just say...

"yes it's their house so they can do what they like - I agree."

...my point was that while in their house they can chain smoke all they want but they then can't dictate what others choose to do...for example they can't get annoyed that others choose not to passive smoke while pregnant and have a long term condition like asthma. It really does work both ways.

It's entirely a person's pergoative to do whatever they like in their own homes...but there has to be some responsibility taken in the OP's situation...there really is no excuse to promote smoking to a toddler after the parents have expressed their wishes.

Some smokers are arsey about it because they are defensive. They know full well it's a crap, harmful habit, but will say black is white in oder to feel justified in continuing.

I have relatives who smoke but they have the decency to not do it around children

even in their own home

Your MIL is behaving like a toddler.

I used to love chocolate and sweet ciggies as a child. I have never smoked.

YANBU. Your DH needs to get on board with you and help with this. You just need to keep reiterating (politely, as I'm sure you already are) please don't show DD your cigarettes, please don't play with your cigarettes with DD, please don't play smoking games with DD. Again, and again, and again. Give it some time, be consistent, but be firm. But your DH needs to be doing the same thing: it's really annoying when you are the one who has to be nagging about stuff like this.

YANBU to ask MIL not to 'play' smoking with your DD. I don't get why DH needed to say something though, you're both DDs parents, the outcomes the same whoever says it and TBH you don't sound as if you have a problem expressing your opinions.

And YABU - frigging cotton wool society again.

a tad PFB IMO. You need to gain a sense of perspective. Not nec BU, just getting a bit too worked up about quite a minor matter

YANBU - you really don't want your DD to think it's anything other than a disgusting habit. (Smokers will now come and say it's not a bad thing, well it is, you smell, you have crap skin and you're risking cancer because you don't have the will power to stop doing something that costs a lot of money to make you look thick and cheap.)

Whatmeworry why would anyone want someone to play games involving imitating something dangerous with their dc? I don't get it.

YANBU, this would really annoy me too but it seems that your mother in law likes to wind you up, maybe take a more low key approach to it and she won't find it as fun!

My MIL can do what she wants in her own home MrSpoc, however if she chooses to smoke whilst my children are there I will no longer take my children there.

Oh and in that situation I would have preferred my husband to say something, it's just a bit less awkward.

Not sure exactly how old your toddler is, but I have a 3yo and a 5yo and I have told them that smoking is stupid because it can kill you. I went in a bit harder than "it is bad for you"!

Thing is, when your DD gets to the age or say 12+, if she decides to smoke you can't really blame anyone for it.

I know lots of parents who don't smoke but their children do...even if some of them refuse to believe it.