To want to get the hell away from people that talk "at" me?

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

I'm sure we all know/have come across the type of person I mean. The type of person that goes on and on and on about themselves and if you say anything they just say "yes, and as I was saying.." and carry on talking about themselves. I think it's lack of intelligence that is the common denominator in these types of people. Oh and skin thicker than a Rhino.

I went to town during the week and bumped into a girl that I've known for years, she is actually a friend of my sister's. She had her little boy with her in his buggy so after all the "Hello how are you?" and the "Awww he's grown so much" type of stuff, she then proceeded to just talk "at" me for 5 minutes about herself, and her husband, and what they were getting their son for Xmas. I literally could not get a word in edgeways. She didn't ask about me or my husband/kids or even listen when I tried to say anything. So I said "well I'm in such a rush so I must go, see you again" and off I went.

Then on the school run there is a woman that just makes a beeline for anyone on their own and then talks "at" them, usually about her health or about her daughter's progress in school. Again she doesn't listen to a word anyone says. I avoid her, but our daughters are in the same class and she regularly comes and stands with me at pick up time. It's just such a waste of time having to listen to her, she is so boring and there is no balance in the conversation at all.

Does anyone find they can be friends with this type of person?

I know people like this. I've gone to the supermarket for a bottle of milk and had to run down the aisles to get away from women I know who would otherwise keep me there for an hour (five minutes is NOTHING) pinned against the shelves whilst they tell me every single thing that's happened since they last saw me (sometimes ten years ago.) Any attempt to say anything is shouted over. I'm not interested in talking to these women about my own life a) because they wouldn't listen anyway and b) because they've never known me really, I'd have to start from scratch.

One of my friends does this, too. I've known her not draw breath for over an hour. I will try to join in but I might as well save my breath. I've noticed her husband (who is pretty quiet) has noticed this. She's determined to talk and nothing will stop her. Now that's okay if there's something interesting to say or if she needs advice or to get something out of her system, but it's not that sort of conversation that I'm complaining about. It might be about her son at university and what every single person he's ever known is studying (people I don't know) and what their hall rooms are like etc etc.

I've found the trick is to say absolutely nothing. No questions, no joining in. Just say nothing. Eventually they peter out (it still takes a hell of a long time, though.) I think it finally dawns on them that they are talking too much.

By the way, though, I think some of these people think that others talk too much, when the ratio is about 100:1, because ANYONE speaking is speaking too much.

Proud, at the end of an evening talking to a stranger who's like that (or not talking) I feel like giving them some paper and saying "Now you write down everything you know about me, and I'll write down everything I know about you." Their paper would be blank.

I would LOVE to do that!

imperial love the paper idea!

My mum got stuck next to a lady on a night out recently who spoke endlessly about her children. My mum- who I get my tendency not to assume the world is fascinated by me from - politely asked whoever arranged the seating plan never to be stuck next to her again! She told me it was the constant nodding, feigning interest and "oh reallys?" whilst trying not to yawn that was most painful!

That's what I was saying, though, Meta. By nodding and saying "Oh really?" you are giving prompts to continue. We do this to be polite, but the talker isn't being polite in return.

You have to starve them of those cues to continue. Just look at them, don't nod or smile or say anything. Eventually, it will peter out (usually takes an hour, so be warned!)

I think I'm one of those. I do apologise but don't know I'm doing it until after, friends say I don't but I think they're just being nice.

Are you interested in other people, Posie? Do you ask them questions about their lives and listen to their answers?

My mother does this and it almost starts to hurt after ten minutes.

I quite like listening to people talk about their lives (within reason). I also like asking questions but really quite a lot of people do not like that!

My mil can turn a conversation about anything into a monologue about how she hates her job and is going to be made redundant. This includes conversations about when my dad was actually getting made redundant and the same monologue has been happening for at least 5 years. She won't get made redundant btw. What's she going to monologue about when she retires?!

It is really wearing and I do understand people with social anxiety struggle but surely there are coping strategies? Could you look at a clock/ watch and once you've been monologue-ing for 5 mins ask the other person what they think/ what their experience is? Surely that would be better than people you know throwing themselves behind displays of baked beans to avoid you in the supermarket? :)

YABU. I hate talking about myself so am quite happy to listen to someone else for a few minutes if it makes them happy!

My mum is like this too. I phone up to ask how she is and I get 20 mins of non stop me me me every time. I think the last straw was the other day when I caught a break in the convo and told her that I was completely shattered as I've been up night after night with dd3 who has a nasty cold and all I heard was silence and a 'oh well, she'll get over it' with a false little laugh and she carried on talking about her crap, same old shit and repeats herself non stop.

I give up, nod and smile say uh huh and then she wonders why I'm distant sometimes

Yes we have a very loud school Mum who talks 'at' people...I swear she never comes up for air.... its usually one long moaning monologue. I tend to just try and scuttle past her

My mil does this too
Witters on endlessly about people I've never met and never will

What's worse is she's now started researching her family history

There is nothing more boring than people telling you that great great uncle in law once lived abroad or whatever

Family history bores are the worst

Imperialblether, I'm going to try the "saying nothing" approach the next time the mum at the school approaches me.

It can be quite restful sometimes, being with someone who doesn't notice if you mentally wander off and plan dinner, or have a nice sexy fantasy about Johnny Depp or whoever. I tend not to be bothered unless I need to be somewhere else, in which case I say "How lovely to meet you and now I must go!"

Hmm. I quite like listening to other people, and am not generally too bothered if they don't ask about me. But because I let people ramble on at me, mostly if I do need to talk, I get the chance.

However. I have one friend who is stressed to the eyeballs - she can barely keep on track with her own life, let alone anyone else's, so she tends to focus inwards most of the time. If I didn't know she was so stressed, I might be offended how every conversation comes back round to her - but I'm not because I know her situation.

My MIL is a Talker. She has told me that when she was at home looking after her 2 young DSs, she would be hanging out the door waiting for her DH to come home, she'd go to the gate to greet him and talk at him without a break for at least half an hour, purely because she'd had no adult company all day and was desperate. He would let her go for half an hour and then her time was up, he needed a bit of peace after a long work day! So - starvation of adult company for naturally garrulous people might incite them to chat away as soon as they have adult ears to listen to them.

And then there was a lady I was at college with. She actually did annoy me, but I think she had a filter problem - most people have filters in their cerebellum that suggest which thoughts should be voiced and which should be kept quiet, but hers didn't seem to work - she had full on verbal diarrhoea and it was almost as if every single thought that went through her head came out of her mouth. She would talk all through lectures, mostly just finishing off the lecturer's every sentence, and a lot of what she said was so banal, the sort of thing that most people just wouldn't bother saying out loud!

Three other possible reasons, other than Asperger's tendencies or sheer self-absorbedness, that people might not be too good at 2-way conversations.

OP, you sound awful! Really judgemental, and generally disinterested and uncaring towards people, yet with a sense of entitlement that they should somehow be interested in you. Do you stand there with a sour face?

YABU

I have just been cornered (again) by one of these at church today. He talks fast and non stop about himself, his son who is something big, somewhere big and all sorts of other self aggrandising things. (today he said 'when I was with the Duke of Edinburgh last week he looked very frail...' - he went to the 11/11 ceremony as an onlooker that was all. I always try and avoid him, it gets so tiring.

I was being talked at for only about 5 mins (DH pulled me away on a pretext) and heard about his important son, his time with The Duke, which side of the war we ought to have been on, how I ought to really get cracking with having DC number 2 and it ought to be a girl as the clothes were nicer and you can hand down your clothes to other little girls; how he was the youngest of 6 and was brought up by a sister who he thought was his mum for years, how he is thinking of selling his house, how hi grandchildren are going to be in the nativity, have I met so and so she was such a lovely girl [she's not] how i really ought to find myself a job or do some commuity work to keep my brain active [I do have a paid full time job actually] etc. It exhausts me just listening.

Tatty, yes I do have high expectations of people I call friends. Of course I would want someone to be interested in me, and yes I do show an interest in friends. Not in acquaintances that talk "at" me though; life is just too damn short to have to listen to every Tom, Dick and Harry's woes without any reciprocal interest in them at all.

And for the record you sound awful too, and judgmental, for making assumptions and judgments about my character based on 3 or 4 posts on a forum.

AutumnFalls, that man at church sounds an absolute nightmare. People like that are just totally draining - and boring - aren't they?

"Which side of the war we ought to have been on"..... well there were only two sides, did he mean we ought to have been on Hitler's?

My mother is like this - unable to read social cues properly.

I also find it hard work to talk to people who are the complete opposite and don't want to share any details of themself or of their life yet always want to know everything about other people.

My MIL is like this and I have a friend who's becoming increasingly like it. I find them exhausting. It's non-stop and there is literally no opening for anyone else to say anything. I also find that it's always the same stuff being said over and over.

Yes, I think he WAS saying we should have been on Hitler's side. We got it wrong during the war thanks to softie bleeding hearts, and the repercussions are being felt now as our economy and country is in the shitter (I am paraphrasing that bit) and look how the Germans are currently doing so much better and that is why.

Seriously, that was the argument. (I cannot even unravel the reasoning behind it).

He also had something to say about forriners taking all 'our jobs' which considering I am forrin myself, and have a job I wondered if it was a dig at me... although he apparently thinks I do NOT have a job and ought to get one. (See post above).

Draining yes. I often feel sorry for him as everyon avoids him, but now I think I know why. Definitely he does not read social cues.

Oh. My. God!!!
Well that's something you don't hear every day, I suppose.

EFA: I think there is a 'type' who withhold information as part of a power game. So you ask an innocuous question and they give you an answer so vague that you are warned off doing any more asking.

I'm deeply suspicious of people who never ask questions. MIL does this. It's another power thing. She says she doesn't want to be nosey, but really she just wants more time to talk about herself As above, if I ever ask her anything that doesn't have a strictly factual answer, she goes all vague on me, until she can get into full self-regarding flow once more.