To want to get the hell away from people that talk "at" me?

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

I'm sure we all know/have come across the type of person I mean. The type of person that goes on and on and on about themselves and if you say anything they just say "yes, and as I was saying.." and carry on talking about themselves. I think it's lack of intelligence that is the common denominator in these types of people. Oh and skin thicker than a Rhino.

I went to town during the week and bumped into a girl that I've known for years, she is actually a friend of my sister's. She had her little boy with her in his buggy so after all the "Hello how are you?" and the "Awww he's grown so much" type of stuff, she then proceeded to just talk "at" me for 5 minutes about herself, and her husband, and what they were getting their son for Xmas. I literally could not get a word in edgeways. She didn't ask about me or my husband/kids or even listen when I tried to say anything. So I said "well I'm in such a rush so I must go, see you again" and off I went.

Then on the school run there is a woman that just makes a beeline for anyone on their own and then talks "at" them, usually about her health or about her daughter's progress in school. Again she doesn't listen to a word anyone says. I avoid her, but our daughters are in the same class and she regularly comes and stands with me at pick up time. It's just such a waste of time having to listen to her, she is so boring and there is no balance in the conversation at all.

Does anyone find they can be friends with this type of person?

Well I can only speak for myself A1980, but no, I don't want to talk about myself constantly and not hear anything about the other person, just as I don't wish to hear constantly about the other person and not be able to get a word in edgeways at all.

I think conversations should be a balanced, 2-way thing. One topic leading into another, equal interest from both parties in the others' lives.

startail, actually though you sound like you are at least aware of how you come across, which is more than some people are. It's all very well saying don't judge so harshly and the person might be lonely and not self absorbed, but quite frankly I don't have the time or patience to listen for hours to someone like this. If this makes me sound unkind or judgemental so be it, but conversations with that type of person just make me feel negative.

So you have the ability to assess and collate all the interactions the parents have with their children over their lives so far Cailin?

And amazingly you've come to the conclusion that you're the only one listening and responding 'properly' to their children?

I'm sceptical to say the least.

Hexagonal - my kind friend has helped me with childcare upon occasion - offering when I think other people probably wouldn't have. She is socially giving - has people round etc... She likes to chat () on the phone. We have quite a lot in common - 3 children of very similar ages who go to the same school etc.. She is up for arranging all kinds of things and has suggested we go camping together. She really is very nice.

A1980 - I don't wish to talk only about myself. I agree with the poster who said that there is an "art" to conversation where both people are able to air their thoughts and feelings and receive acknowledgement, support and some further conversation about what they have just brought up. It is not about me wanting to dominate the conversation - it's just a depressing feeling that a lot of the things that I say are used as springboards for her to start her conversation. I might have uttered one sentence, she could then talk for ages and ages about her parallel thing. She once invited me and another mutual friend of ours for an after dinner cup of tea, and the superior conversational skills of our mutual friend were really noticeable and I felt much more noticed in some way.

It's so refreshing when you come across someone who is on your wavelength and wants a proper conversation isn't it, wondering2? Although your friend sounds kind in some ways, I just couldn't be friends with someone like that because of the talking/not listening thing as I would feel they didn't respect me or have any interest in me. It must be very frustrating for you that she just uses your things that you say as a springboard. Have you ever pulled her up on it?

Hexagonal, I do agree that conversations should be 2 way and balanced but your said in your OP:

she then proceeded to just talk "at" me for 5 minutes about herself, and her husband, and what they were getting their son for Xmas.

5 minutes? Is that all? That's not long at all. In my opinion people do take turns but someone has to go first. I had lunch with a friend on Friday and I had some issues at work so she asked me how it was going, I filled her in adn it took me alot more than 5 minutes I can tell you. Maybe about 20mins. In no way was I being disrespectful to her or talking "at her", she wanted to hear as she is my firned and we care about each others lives. But once I was done, she told me all about what's going on with her life: work, DP, holidays planned, etc while I gladly listened. Of course it's the other way around too: my friend goes first and it's 50/50 who goes first.

IMO it's disruptive to have a conversation with one line about me, one line about friend... it'd meander all over the place. I prefer to listen to a friend talk about themselvea at length so i get it all and then have a chance to talk about me later. If you can't be arsed to listen to someone for 5 short minutes without getting a word in about yourself, then I suggest you find people who won't dare talk to you for longer than 60 seconds and who wont deprive you of the ability to talk about yourself for long.

Sorry if that offends. I don't mean it to be cruel, it's merely an observation but this is AIBU afterall.

PS of course there are people who don't want to talk about anyone other tahn themsleves: I've met them too and my brother is one of them. You just ditch them as friends and avoid them as family.

but the OP's example is harsh. Sounds as if she hadn't seen the girl for a while, maybe she thoguht she was catching up with her. And it was only 5 mins.

No hexagonal, but I have become more forceful about talking about my own things even though that feels a little odd but I figure "what's good for the gander... " - plus to be fair, I have many problems with my relationship and when I have been really down about it, she has listened at length. It's the day to day conversation where she dominates... and never seems to sit back to observe. I don't think she doesn't respect others, I think that for some reason this is the way she has learnt to have conversations.

My sister invited her over for dinner (there were a few of us there) and had never met her before, and her reaction was that she talked too much, found herself funny and was a bit boring - think friend would be gutted to know this. I don't think anyone is boring per se, but their conversation can be!

I think 5 minutes is to long to ramble on, yes, if its an acquaintance, not a close friend, and you just bump into each other in a shop. You're not going to stand in a shop for an hour or two and talk are you?

I do have plenty of friends that have proper conversation skills, hence why the type of people I referred to in my OP are merely acquaintances and I give them a wide berth. I can't recall saying at any point in this thread that I wish to talk about myself constantly, you have made that assumption.

The situation you have described regarding meeting up with a close friend and telling her about specific issues is totally different to the situations I have described, I'm surprised that you are comparing them tbh.

Above post was aimed at A1980

It does sound as though she has learnt to have conversations badly, wondering2.

Maybe as she is a good friend she might appreciate you mentioning it to her in a tactful way, especially if others are commenting on her lack of social skills?

I think you're right A1980, talking about a problem you're maybe having for 20 mins during the overall conversation you're having with a friend is 'normal'.

But talking about the ten problems they're having one after another, and when you mention something you're struggling with and would maybe appreciate talking through with a mate, and they say one sentence about it before going back onto talking about themselves, is totally different.

If it happens regularly, you can't help but notice.

If it's a family member you perhaps don't have the choice you would do not to spend time with them as you would a friend.

AgentZigZag, yes you have hit the nail on the head about the ten problems one after the other being the problem and it dominating the conversation. Like you say, if it happens regularly you can't help but notice it. It's frustrating, not to mention draining

And to add, I too talk for 10 - 20 minutes at a time to friends sometimes if I have something specific to say/ask advice about. I afford them the same courtesy though. The sort of people I was referring to in my OP don't give anyone the courtesy of being listened to.

I couldn't do that hexagonal because she would be mortified I think and/or upset and might then constantly feel she had to monitor herself. Some people do just seem to have LOADS to say and she is one of them! I think she knows she can be a bit much - she was telling me that a colleague of hers was like her but times 3 which really made me laugh. Plus she saw me laughing and must have realised that I knew exactly what she meant!

You sound as though you are a very good friend to her, wondering2; very caring and considerate towards her as well as listening to her ramblings.

This reminds me of DC's best friend's mum. We chat at the school gate, or rather she talks at me. In a few months I have heard about her own birth, her childhood, her education, career (past, present and what might have been) her house, where she wants to live, holiday cottage bookings, medical issues, near death experiences, income and then all about the children.
The worst of it is just how competitive she is. She doesn't ask about me so doesn't realise that I could trump her on probably the majority of her boasts - and she clearly thinks my child (who the teacher is suggesting should be on the gifted and talented programme) is some thicko. I want to remain friends with her for the sake of our children so now introduce random topics (have to do this very quickly at very start of conversation). There isn't one she hasn't been able to boast about yet. It's the only thing getting me through it.

I have another friend who does talk about quite a few problems, sometimes at length but I love her to bits and she is so funny with its so I don't mind one jot. I also know that if I needed to dominate the conversation because I was having a drama that she would listen, give advice and make me laugh. It's a matter of recipriocity I guess.

She sounds a nightmare, NoseyNooNoo; you must be a very patient person to have put up with her. I really hate it when people boast like that too, excessive constant boasting does seem to go hand in hand with people that don't stop talking doesn't it?

My DH thinks I have the patience of a saint in relation to this woman. The funny thing is she wants our 2 families to go out for lunch sometime - can you imagine?

This is why I rarely leave my house or chat with anyone. I know people are thinking this kind of thing about me. :(

i generally agree here. One thing that might be worth taking into account is that people who do this may feel that to ask questions about others' lives is regarded as nosey, so they're throwing out (a long stream of) little personal anecdotes in the hope someone else will pick up the thread. When I'm in this situation I'm often trying to shape the anecdotes into something that I know someone else can relate to, in the hope they'll pick it up and run with it... but it ends up being a monologue if people are giving you the silent treatment because they hate you, for example.

I am sure people think I do the monologue thing at one of the bits of my work, where I do my best to be polite in the tea-room with the chief technician (amiable and chatty), his 2iC (also amiable and chatty) and his staff (resentful, whiny, chippy pains in the backside who sit there and give me the silent treatment and bitch behind my back about how i think I'm so wonderful and I'm a snob and a nobber etc etc). The conversational strategy works fine with the two chatty ones, but it falls flat with the others because I've been shrieked at by them for being nosey about their lives, so I'm scared to ask them anything, and they sit there silently resenting me no matter what i say.

I think if people could put aside the feelings of irritation and just join in an enthusiastic conversation, about half of the monologue sessions would turn into exciting conversations.

CailinDana: exactly. What you describe is particularly prevalent in the rather sad wives of academics of my parents' generation (including my mother). Educated just to the level to be able to witter, but no further; their parents never listened to them, husbands have always genuinely felt they had more interesting things to be getting on with, their children are educated well beyond wittering level.

I feel really sorry for my mother - she would love to fit into interesting academic conversation, but hasn't the skills or knowledge to make it work. Child-like, she also lacks the insight to tell when someone is doing their best to make it easy for her to fit in. So the more-educated women of her generation find it hard to make conversation with her, she picks up they are finding it hard and witters even harder, while resenting them; the mismatch feeds upon itself and gets worse... and ends badly every time...

Anna1976, not sure if I've made it clear or not but the type I was referring to don't let anyone else get a word in edgeways. I have tried on numerous occasion to respond to the mum at the school but she replies with "yes. And anyway..." and off she goes again with what she is saying. To me, that is total rudeness and/or a lack of intelligence/social skills.

Believe me, I get involved enthusiastically in many conversations but with this type of person there is no getting involved as all they like is the sound of their own voices.

In my opinion, most people are like this Hexagonal!

My dh and I are always joking when we come back from a school event or party etc, that we know everything about everyone else and they know nothing about us because we do all the listening!

Oh Proudnscary yes that is so true, most are like that aren't they? I'm finding as I get older that I am less and less tolerant and likely to listen, and am not a lot more discerning when I decide who I want to be friends with as it is a trait I just will not put up with in a friend.

There are occasional people out there that aren't like that, they are worth their weight in gold. When I find one, I hang on to them