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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sensible or hysterical?

30 replies

AScatteringofPoorSardines · 19/11/2011 12:31

DH has just taken DD and DS (5&7yo) out on the bike. The 7 yo is on his own bike attached to DHs by one of those arm things which keeps the front wheel off the ground, and DD is in front of him on a fixed seat on the crossbar.

It is a lovely thing for him to do, he doesn't get much time off and they love to go off on a little adventure with him.

Usually, he goes to some fields nearby with a cycle path through them, there is a bit of roadwork, but it is all in the village. The bike is long and with DD on the front is quite awkward, although DH is a very experienced rider.

Today however, as he was leaving, he mentioned going somewhere else. This would mean cycling along the fairly narrow pavement next to a busy and fast A road, crossing it, then along a single track but busy road used as a cut through, and finally along a country lane just about wide enough for two cars, which is quite busy and fast as it is the quickest route from a big town to several villages.

I said I would really rather he didn't go out there on the big long bike, and that if he waited I would come so that DD could be in the child seat on the back of my bike and his would be more stable. TBH I still would be uncomfortable with this, but I knew that he would think I was being silly for worrying about it. He didn't want to do that and said I was letting my fears ruin their fun and he was going where he wanted.

I said I felt he was disregarding how I felt about it by overruling me like that, but he turned that back to me in that I was disregarding his feelings by being so determined in not wanting them to go.

He cycled off, saying he was going to the place he had mentioned. I knew he was stopping at the shop down the road so caught up with them and said again that I would come. We didn't argue, but he said he didn't want me to and they would just do what I wanted then in a grumpy voice and cycled off.

I have no idea if he will stick to that or not, but that's kind of beside the point because I don't know if I am justified in even wanting to stop him, but I kind of think why take the risk when there are lovely places that the children asked to go to nearby?

So, what do you think? I don't know who is right. Am I being overly scared by not wanting him to take the children on this 'bike train' on the busy roads even only for a couple of miles? I know I am always the one out of the two of us with the fears iykwim, so it's possible.
Or is he being unreasonably flippant about the potential dangers?

OP posts:

worraliberty · 19/11/2011 12:34

I think it sounds pretty dangerous from the way you've described it

Why can't the 7yr old ride his own bike?

valiumredhead · 19/11/2011 12:36

Sounds dangerous to me but I am not a fan of kids seats on bikes UNLESS it's on very quiet roads.

Mutt · 19/11/2011 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 19/11/2011 12:56

No, I wouldn't be happy with it, either.

northernwreck · 19/11/2011 13:01

YANBU. It's just being macho for no reason, when they could still have an adventure without doing something that sounds fairly dangerous.

There is danger and danger iykwim-Letting them test the boundries and have a some freedom is great if the worst that can happen is a bump or a scrape, but the busy roads give me the heebie jeebies, because a car hits a five year old and its game over.
Sorry-don't want to freak you out more!
It sounds like your dh is being a bit of a knob actually.

tigermoll · 19/11/2011 13:05

Hmmm, I can see why you're nervous, but I can also see why he was pissed off. It might have sounded to him like you were calling him a cavalier/irresponsible parent, who couldn't be trusted to look after his own kids.

Without knowing the proposed route, I can't say whether you or his assessment of the danger is the more reasonable. But there are a few things that sound a bit concerning:

You say you are always the one with the 'fears' about things? Do you mean that you are usually an anxious parent, or always looking for the risk/danger in every situation? Have there been other times where you have been anxious out of proportion to the threat, and this has meant stopping/protecting your children from doing something? Or are you antennae for danger usually pretty good, and you know you wouldn't be anxious without good reason?

How does your partner respond to this? In your account he seemed pretty dismissive. Could he not have at least engaged with your concerns and reassured you, even if he didn't change his route? He refused your company quite brusquely, is that usual?

MrsSleepy · 19/11/2011 13:09

Why do the 5 and 7 YO not have their own bikes?

thatsenough · 19/11/2011 13:13

I would also say that the 7 and probably the 5 year old should be riding their own bikes by now, that's assuming that their are no underlying conditions that we are unaware of that would stop them from doing so.

thatsenough · 19/11/2011 13:14

There not their - sorry

MaureenMLove · 19/11/2011 13:14

I would have thought your bike with a 7 year old on the back was just as dangerous! Isn't there an age limit to these things or something? Surely she can't fit comfortably in it! (And you must be able to crack walnuts with your thighs, riding it with a 7 year old on it! Wow, what a work out!) )

FredFredGeorge · 19/11/2011 13:18

I think we'd really need to have experience of the route ourselves to judge, you're essentially asking us two questions - is your estimation of your risk better than your partners - we have no idea without knowing the risks. And if it's reasonable for your estimation of the risk to trump your partners in choosing the route - given that you were prepared to ride it with them I think you're on shaky ground with that - if it was a straight "no it's unsafe" then I would be happier suggesting that he should've chosen another, however that makes it sound like your estimation is unreasonable. But as I said I couldn't tell without actually having an objective estimate myself.

MrsSleepy worraliberty The 7 year old is riding his own bike, it's just attached to DP's, that allows them to ride faster together (7yr old still pedals and gets exercise) so they can visit more places further away leading to more interesting rides - and some exercise for the parent.

So sorry, can't tell if you're being unreasonable or not.

redskyatnight · 19/11/2011 13:26

I don't know whether it is safe or not.

The whole putting one child on the tagalong and the other in a bike seat seems odd to me at their ages though. I suspect DH might be better doing the ride on his own (if he wants a cycle ride) and then taking the children somewhere local (one of the nearby places they'd asked for) where they can both ride their own bikes as they want.

Original poster

AScatteringofPoorSardines · 19/11/2011 13:44

Thanks all, I'll try to answer your questions, sorry if I miss any.

The 5 yo would be on the back of my bike, not the 7 yo, she is quite diddy (only just 5), and within the weight limit for the seat.

They do both ride their own bikes, the 5yo only off the road though, she is not stable enough to ride where traffic might be and is terrible at using her brakes!
The 7 yo does ride his around the village roads, it was only because he was proposing to go further afield that he was attached by the bar. He is wobbly looking over hs shoulder etc so wouldn't be safe on a main road. Again it may be my oversensitivity but I wouldn't want my 7yo to ride his bike in the traffic really.

Tigermoll and Mutt you are right, it does make him feel like I don't trust him to look after them properly. the thing is, I am not good at leaving them, I do fuss- I know I do. My job means I see risk where maybe others don't, but I think I have always been risk averse. I think in my attempt to condense my story (didn't really work did it ) I have made him sound more dismissive than he really was.
I think normally we balance each other on these things, me being the more fearful one, and him encouraging me not to let that stop me or them doing things. For example, I hate flying, absolutely hate it, but I do manage to do it now because I don't want it to limit what we do as a family- there is no way that would happen if he was at the same level as me in what 'risks' we take.
I do think I am over fretful. I also think he is under fretful

I am glad you mostly feel IANBU as I do get lost in it sometimes and am not sure if my radar is off.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 19/11/2011 13:49

He is their dad he is not going to let any harm come to them, trust him, and his instincts.

valiumredhead · 19/11/2011 13:51

It's the other drivers on the road I don't trust Fabby!

MaureenMLove · 19/11/2011 13:52

Ah, I see! I think I'd be a nervous nelly too, but like Fabby says, they're his kids too, he's not going to purposely put them in danger.

Why don't you jump on your bike and catch them up? It's a lovely November day out there, it'd be a shame to spoil it.

Original poster

AScatteringofPoorSardines · 19/11/2011 14:04

FredFred yes, very succinctly put I know it's difficult as how busy it is is a bit subjective too.

Me going would have been a compromise, I still wouldn't have liked it at all. It would just have meant that DD was in a big proper seat on the back of my bike instead of on the crossbar seat (which I have never liked him using for them) and so his bike would be easier to manage- just DS attached behind.
I still would have thought it wasn't sensible.
However, it does put me on sticky ground with DH who felt if I was ok with it if I came too then it was a control thing and I ought to be able to trust him.

He cycles 15 miles most days, so is very competent. I do think this has dulled his perception of the risk. He however feels that risk is everywhere and some of it has to be accepted in order to live a full life. My 'acceptable' is lower than his. It rarely causes friction, but today I think he saw my fears as directly curtailing his fun time with the children and felt he was perfectly safe.
It's not his ability I doubt, it's the potential loons in cars etc.

I often see on here threads about letting your children out to play etc, and I always come down on the careful side. Funnily enough he would too, so it is not everything he is fancy free about! I think I am probably a 'paedo on every corner' person who would get flamed if I posted on those threads, so that ay gve you more of an idea of what he is up against fear wise. I do try to manage these fears though and think I generally can limit them, but it's not always easy to tell.

OP posts:

Original poster

AScatteringofPoorSardines · 19/11/2011 14:12

Fabby, you are the first to say out and out that I should be ok with it. I don't like admitting it to myself, but I guess I don't trust his instincts as I think he has got numbed to the risks of cycling on main/busy roads as he does it so often. It can't be nice to feel not trusted though.

However, as valium says it's the other buggers I really don't trust.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 19/11/2011 14:20

I have no problems pointing out when dh is being a twat and he is making decisions I don't trust

ragged · 19/11/2011 14:25

It really depends how you define a busy road.
And exactly how far he goes on the road that has the busy traffic.
And how quickly he can move on it (in the train).
It's too much for anyone to comment online.

Original poster

AScatteringofPoorSardines · 19/11/2011 14:29

valium

he is back and did only go to the usual spots, he was a bit grumpy about it initially, but is ok now. He still feels the same about it though- that it is acceptable risk, but I showed him this thread so at least he now knows I am not alone in my concerns.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 19/11/2011 14:31

I bet he is relieved he doesn't have an old shrew like me as a wife OP

Original poster

AScatteringofPoorSardines · 19/11/2011 14:39

heheh, I think he was too upset about being thought of as a macho knob (he is really very unmacho, and probably not a knob) to worry about a bit of old shrewishness

OP posts:

Arion · 21/11/2011 23:14

Neither my husband nor I would cycle with one on the front and back due to handling issues. He's biked the length of Norway (from the arctic circle - brrrr) for fun (!) and we've both done the Manchester to Blackpool ride (one day, 65 miles) so are bike aware.

As for the comment that he's their ather and won't hurt them: there was a thread recently from a Mum, where the father had a bonfire going and a toddler and a can of petrol lying around that resulted in the child having 70% burns. Being a father (or Mother) doesn't mean you're incapable of errors of judgement.

OP I don't think you are BU, that amount of children on one bike / length of bike is ok for cycle ath / v quiet road (although I wouldn't feel that comfortable) but definitely not a busy road, especially if it's a bit of a rat run!

Arion · 21/11/2011 23:15

D'oh Father

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