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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP picking and choosing children

58 replies

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 19/11/2011 10:13

Had a bad night, up every hour with DS or DD. DP was out until half 11 ish, got up at 6 this morning, went to the gym and picked up DSD. They got back and DSD was telling DS they were going to the park. I thought great I can settle DD for a nap and catch up on the housework.
Wrong. DP will only take DS with him and DSD if I go as well so now I have to drag out over tired DD so that DS doesn't know his dad can't be bothered.
Or am I in the wrong for not wanting to go to the park? I'm tired, I feel like crap and there's a huge pile of ironing and beds to change

OP posts:
4madboys · 19/11/2011 11:00

if i only took one child out at a time i would NEVER leave the house!!

seriously what about pre-school/school runs?!

DownbytheRiverside · 19/11/2011 11:06

Depends on his motives though, is he idle and incompetent or wanting to give his oldest child some special time with him?

4madboys · 19/11/2011 11:08

the op has said its because her dp doesnt want to/cant cope with two of them, not because he wants one on one time with his dd!

BigBoobiedBertha · 19/11/2011 11:08

Has he ever taken the 2 of them out together by himself before? Did something happen?

It could be a question of confidence - he doesn't think he can cope. You need to work out why he won't take 2 to the park. I appreciate that it is difficult not to feel hard done by when you are tired and fed up and the thought of a quiet 5 minutes has been tantalisingly close but I think you need to have a chat with him. Tell him that he has to learn to cope with more than one child at a time and make him get on with it.

And TBH I wouldn't have gone with him. I would have put a coat on DS and not given DP a choice about taking him without being really mean. Maybe have taken DS and DD out later if needs be but I wouldn't be allowing him to get away with this. If you keep letting him think he can't go anywhere with 2+ children without you going too, he isn't going to learn. He will need to be shown that he can do it.

DownbytheRiverside · 19/11/2011 11:09

'seriously what about pre-school/school runs?!'

Different scenario to free-range play though.
His children are all very close in age, he should have a lot of opportunities to get better at coping with three at once on his own.
Does he usually take only one at a time, or has he taken his son and daughter to the park together before?

DownbytheRiverside · 19/11/2011 11:10

'the op has said its because her dp doesnt want to/cant cope with two of them, not because he wants one on one time with his dd!'

Did the thought that there might be another POV occur to her? Isn't that why she's posting in AIBU? To find out if there ia an alternative opinion?

4madboys · 19/11/2011 11:12

yes she is, but she said he made no mention of any other reason, just that he didnt want to take both as it was too much for him! she says IF he had said he wanted some quality time with his dd then she would have understood that, but that itsnt the situation as its been presented to her or us.

4madboys · 19/11/2011 11:13

"If he had said that he wanted time with DSD I wouldn't have minded but his reasoning was he didn't want to have to deal with both of them" here page one.
"

DownbytheRiverside · 19/11/2011 11:15

Unless he thought she might be jealous of his relationship with his older daughter?

DownbytheRiverside · 19/11/2011 11:17

Ok, then he's as daveywarbeck described, and she's got two children with him already. No reason why he can't do beds and ironing, my OH always does.

WilsonFrickett · 19/11/2011 11:20

The Op should have taken the kids to the park while the DH stayed home and did all the chores then.

DownbytheRiverside · 19/11/2011 11:21

But she's tired.

Original poster
TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 19/11/2011 13:25

He doesn't usually do anything with DS or DD. he takes DSD swimming and all that but doesn't see why he has to with our kids as I chose to have them they're my responsibility. Yet DS idolises him and I can't fathom why

OP posts:
PrideOfChanur · 19/11/2011 13:40

You chose to have them so they are your responsibility? So was he not involved at all then? Or did he say before they were conceived "Ok,go ahead - but I'm not going to be a father to them"?
I am Confused

FabbyChic · 19/11/2011 13:44

OMG so he does nothing with your children together? Why do you allow it?

Original poster
TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 19/11/2011 13:50

Because every now and then he will bother and I think he'll change. Then he cocks up again. Or guilts me into staying with him.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 19/11/2011 13:55

doesn't see why he has to with our kids as I chose to have them they're my responsibility.

WTAF?!!

Can you see how fucking out of order this statement is?

Proudnscary · 19/11/2011 13:59

Darling, if that really, truly is his attitude then I think you should be deeply concerned. For yourself and your dc. I don't know what to suggest other than, at first, putting your foot down, reminding him they are both of your children and not pandering to this nonsense.

megapixels · 19/11/2011 14:00

This thread is hurting my head. Especially the "I had them, so my responsibility" bit.

BluddyMoFo · 19/11/2011 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

akaemmafrost · 19/11/2011 14:02

Tiaras I have posted on your previous threads I think. This man is a first class prick. You remind me of myself a few years ago posting regularly about incidents between me and ex, basically gathering support and building up to the knowledge that the man you are with is a selfish pig and the relationship is untenable. Keep on posting because each time you post the situation is becoming just that tiny bit more clear. This is how it worked for me and in the end I was able to do what I needed to do. If I were you I would just post EVERYTHING on a thread in relationships and see what people say.

My ex rarely took our dc out, ever when they were small, he was too lazy. To this day I feel a surge of anger and sadness towards him when I see dads out with their kids alone, at the park etc. He never would do it and became very aggressive if I persisted in asking.

akaemmafrost · 19/11/2011 14:04

Yeah the kids were pretty much my responsibility too, being a woman and all that.

4madboys · 19/11/2011 14:05

'YOUR responsibility' so he had nothing to do with getting you pregnant?!! really if my dp said something like that he would know where to go, but he just wouldnt, it wouldnt even enter his head, they are OUR children and he plays an equal role in looking after them, not saying 'i cant take them all out its too hard' he needs to get a grip and grow up!

Original poster
TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 19/11/2011 14:06

Yeah I've posted quite a bit about him in relationships. At the moment I'm trying to get my head sorted so I can turn around and tell him to fuck off

OP posts:
HeidiKat · 19/11/2011 14:33

His attitude is truly shit, how come your children together are just your responsibility but your DSD isn't just his ex's responsibility? I can see why he is divorced/separated.