To be livid that H stays out late...

[firsttimemum77]

First of all sorry if there are typo's. I'm still in bed and using my phone to type.

I need a MN jury here to tell me whether it is me BU or H, as H seems to think that what I'm pissed off about is normal, all men do it and I'm the mental one with a problem. In fact he can't see a problem at all and I over react!

So here's the deal - H goes out with his mates after work for a 'few drinks' and at least once a month comes home at 5am - other times 1,2 or 3am. He never tells me he will be that late or is considerate enough to phone me when he is going to that late even whilst he is out... So I'm up like an idiot 1) worrying 2) imagining all sorts. Yes! I have even thought he us with other women! He cheated on me 10 years ago and obviously when ever he goes out until stupid o' clock those issues come flooding back!

Please be honest

1. am I being unreasonable to be angry?
2. do all men do this and is it normal?
3. should I accept it and say nothing and let him continue?
4. what would you do?

Please note he is 31 and we have a 4 year old. Although his cheating was 10 years ago his staying out started when I was pregnant. Whilst I was pregnant he stayed out til 9am and when he did return had stitches in his finger as he had 'fallen down'. He has come out with his head bashed (said fell down), he has crashed the car whilst out with his mates.

That's just some background to give you an idea. Just to make clear I don't care if he goes out all I ask is that he comes home at a reasonable time - he's a married man yet I feel like he is living like a bachelor!

You're lucky, I found mine at the local police station!
Always seems to happen when he goes out with his brothers.

Lucky! Gosh never been called that before! And don't feel far from lucky!
I think you are lucky. At least you know he is with his brother. My H goes out with a bunch of knobs!

My answer to your question number 2 is no and no. Normal, decent, grown-ups do not go out until the following morning on a regular basis.
No advice I'm afraid, but YANBU

Oh I should add that everytime he does this we argue, he apologises, he knows how much it upsets me and says he knows its taking the piss! But then he does it again just a few weeks later!

He also thinks he's a bachelor. Either get the two of you to therapy and get him to understand or learn to live with it, cuz I doubt anything you say will make difference.

I'd be pissed off to, so no I don't think you are being unreasonable.

A night out is one thing, but 5am is seriously taking the piss. What is he like the next day? Does he help out with childcare, around the house, or is he too hungover and the day is wasted?

What if you did it to him, what would his reaction be? Not suggesting that you do, but see what he says and get him to think of the shoe being on the other foot.

This is one of the reasons I'm not with my exh

I never minded him going out, I minded not knowing - it felt disrespectful to not be told that he was going out and wouldn't be back til morning.

It would have felt more so with a baby. I've seen posts on here recommending that the next day you go on like normal - like if you have to go out he looks after the baby, hungover or not.

Going out fine, it affecting the rest of the weekend, not.

And also you are entitled to have equal leisure time in your relationship so maybe a talk about that is where to start - how do you both make that happen so you both get some of what you want.

Well, what would piss me off is a drunk DH phoning at an unreasonable hour to announce he was staying out until stupid O'clock.

He's an adult. He can go out. He doesnt need to give continual bulletins as to his whereabouts. Neither do you.

How about he says "I'm going out, don't wait up, I'll be late"

There thats all sorted for next time.

Firsttime, his brothers are knobs, they always end up fighting.

YANBU, going out and getting off your head that often is not acceptable. My DH doesn't do it, and I would be very cross with him if he started.

Bluddy - yes he would have been drinking the night he crashed the car.
He says if I go out till all hours he wouldn't mind! But then I've never cheated on him or been an irresponsible twat and he knows he doesn't have to worry. I don't care if he goes out! I care that he has no consideration and is behaving like a single man!

I am a 'normal decent grown up' and go out for an all nighter about once a month, every six weeks or so.
Yabu.

Parenthood does NOT remove your socialising and fun chip...or at least, it doesn't for everyone.

Why are you women with someone who stays out till 5am. Clubs shut at 2 so what are they doing before they get home? Id not stand for it.

Fabbychic - exactly.
He says he's at a mates house. Gets 'dragged' back there apparently and loses track if time.

I can understand the feeling regarding cheating, etc

and if its alot, remind he is infact a family man not an 18 year old lad, however do you go off on one everytime hes goes out?

Well personally speaking, after the club closes at 3 - I would go on to a friend's place for drinks and chat. So??

Pictish - I'm not saying he shouldn't go out I'm saying he should return at a reasonable time. I'm saying if he knows it upsets me that he says he is going for a few drinks after work and then doesn't return until 5am then that is being inconsiderate. He admits this and accepts he is being inconsiderate but then does it again! I find that disrespectful. If H told me something i did upset him then I would do my best not to upset him. I thought that's what relationships were about. What I can't understand is how he thinks it is acceptable to continue to upset me. He wasn't like this before I got pregnant, he started doing this after I got pregnant. He wanted a child as much as me and our DC was very much planned.

I am well aware that parenthood doesnt mean you stop going out etc but it doesn't mean losing all sense of consideration and respect for your partner either.

I wouldn't be happy either and TBH I wouldn't put up with it.
Do you go out with friends?

No I don't go off on one everytime he goes out. Its when he says I'll be home at 10 and then doesn't get in til 5 when he knows it upsets me. His friends are the type that call their wives 'bed warmers'. Three are divorced due to their unreasonable behaviour and the others are heading that way including my H.

I'm not saying he shouldn't go out I'm saying he should return at a reasonable time

You're not his mum!!

If H told me something i did upset him then I would do my best not to upset him. I thought that's what relationships were about

How strange! I don't think that's what relationships are about. I think they're about compromise and understanding myself.

Clossaint - I think that's part of the problem. When I did go out (prechild) he didn't like it. Would wait up for me and then argue. I stopped as it was not worth the arguments. Eventually my friends stopped asking and that was that. I don't have local friends, just work colleagues and we go out once a year at Christmas!!! I know, sad! My friends are scattered around the country and it's hard to arrange to meet up. I don't have local family who could help with childcare and my inlaws are bullies (have done another thread about my racist FIL and MIL who wished their unborn GC dead because the mother of the child is White).

I work FT - my life does revolve around my child. But what else can I do.
Reading all this back I can see there are deeper under lying issues in my life and you know what I think I've had enough and don't think I can take anymore. Think it's time I packed my bags and walked.

Thanks for all your responses.

I agree you are NBU. what interests me about mums net is there is another similar thread where everyone is saying theOP's DH was NBU...!

Personally i get v p'd off if my DH stays out after 1am because it renders him useless the next day - when I go out I would rarely be home as late as midnight. If your DH does this on a regular basis then you are right to have it out with him - or at the very least he makes it up to you somehow, eg taking DC out for a day to give you a break. If there is no give and take then what's the point?