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Original poster

Another MIL Xmas conundrum

26 replies

trulyscrumptious43 · 18/11/2011 22:35

DCs are 19 and 14. DP has announced decided that he is going to be spending it in his new house (he moved out of mine a few months ago to avoid doing housework get some manspace and be closer to his work). His DCs (10 and 12) will be staying with him.
I have a flimsy invite to join him but am put off by the fact his mother, whose disdain for me is tangible, will be there.
On the premise that I shouldn't have to put my kids through her witchedy crotchety ways all xmas day, I want to stay home and will probably be glum in the kitchen secretly.
Obvs the bigger picture is that something is rotten in the State of Denmark, but I'm wondering how much other MNers would put themselves out if they didn't have to.

OP posts:
LineRunnerSaturnalia · 18/11/2011 22:39

I'd tell him he'll be welcome for a pre-lunch drink. On his own.

OldGreyWassailTest · 18/11/2011 22:41

So your partner has moved out and you're not together any more, you don't like his mother.......and yet you are even contemplating spending Christmas Day with them all? Nah - don't think so.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 18/11/2011 22:42

Has he left you? Am confused about why he's got his own home....and if he hasn't left you, then how on earth did all this come about? How long had you both lived together previously?

Flisspaps · 18/11/2011 22:43

Get some manspace?

There'd be no way I'd be going anywhere and would be enjoying Christmas in my own home!

ENormaSnob · 18/11/2011 22:47

Stay home.

cantspel · 18/11/2011 22:51

You dont have a MIL. You have a boyfriend who maintains his own home so if you dont get on with his mother then stay at your own home for christmas.

Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 18/11/2011 23:09

Haha thank you ladies (I assume). Yes you are right cantspel, I don't have a MIL, just used the term for shortness of posting.
We are still together - sorry will try and keep this short. DP lived abroad when we first got together 4 yrs ago and he has been moving back here by degrees. He has been waiting for a divorce (self not implicated btw) for many years and therefore couldn't buy a place of his own until the finances were settled. He splits his time between working and living on location, and visiting his DCs who live abroad with his ex wife. The rest of his time he spent with me at my place.
18 months ago DP was diagnosed with cancer and all plans were put on hold for the duration. He has done really well and scans are coming through clear now.
Unfortunately our relationship took a knock and DP decided that after having been given his life back (it was lung cancer) he wanted to persue his dreams.
We had been bickering and he felt he needed space. He's renting a house with his brother and another friend men behaving sadly.
We are trying to put together a new relationship after the battering ours has taken. Not sure if it's possible though. But I bet you lot will tell me!
By the way I really hate SingleParentChristmasses.

Am now listening to this which cheered me up proper:

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cantspel · 18/11/2011 23:20

Is there no one you can invite to spend christmas with you? No friends on their own or other single parents or a neighbour?
You dont have to spend christmas alone just because you are not spending it with your boyfriend.

squeakytoy · 18/11/2011 23:23

You wont be alone though will you, your kids will be with you.

Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 18/11/2011 23:27

I normally am quite good at getting these things organised early and have previously had 3 grown up orphans round for xmas, and a jolly time was had by all. But this year I thought we just hadn't had the xmas discussion yet - by the time it came up DP had it all laid out.
Am trying to think of what to do - DD (19) says we should go and work at a soup kitchen/homeless shelter, which is something we've talked about for years. DS (14) might be too young though, I think they have rules about things like that. Must google.
Still I am sad and want to be with DP and all DCs.
His mum stirred it up between us something terrible in the year DP was ill. Now I feel I am admitting defeat by not going there, I just don't want my day ruined.

OP posts:
Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 18/11/2011 23:41

Yes I will have my kids with me, and they are lovely, but I'm a silly kind of fool who likes other adults around as well.

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MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 18/11/2011 23:44

It's very hard....a life changing illness is a bit like a bereavement and it changes people....if I were you, I would plan a really lovely Christmas at home with your own DC....your DS is too young to volunteer but you could stil have a really nice day.

Don't tangle your relationship up with the Christmas you have with your DC....you're the most important thing to them so you need to begin to back away from your DP a little bit...he sounds like he's working through his shock...and recovering takes a few years emotionally.

If you give him space, things could improve.

slavetofilofax · 18/11/2011 23:47

I'm still trying to understand what Denmark has to do with it.

Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 18/11/2011 23:59

Lol at slave
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/something_is_rotten_in_the_state_of_Denmark

There's a lot I don't yet know about life changing illnesses, obvs every day is a new experience and not always a good one (for me anyway). I am on the sidelines of DPs 'journey' (sorry but I have grown to hate that term).
wondering when I will be back on equal footing, if ever.

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mumofthreekids · 19/11/2011 08:24

Not sure what you mean by a flimsy invite? Does that mean DP doesn't really want you there??

You say you want to be with DP and all DCs so I would go (maybe not for the whole day though - just pop in) and ignore any annoying comments from MIL.

ssd · 19/11/2011 08:37

sorry op, sounds like you just want some adult company on Xmas day when the kids are on the x box or facebook or whatever

I can understand this

have you any single pals that could come over later for a drink with you/or a neighbour?

Xmas just brings things like this to the fore, doesnt it

Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 19/11/2011 10:36

Yes ssd I would like another adult around. Xmas day makes me feel the pinch of single parenting somehow. Although I recognise that I probably am the fortunate one not having to put up with relatives I don't get on with all day...which brings me back to my original point.

I just don't thing DP gets how lonely I feel sometimes. Yes I have told him.

Last year on xmas day we spent the afternoon with DP in hospital and the year before we drove to see my dad who was ill and unable to move around. Unfortunately dad's partner's hostility and only offering us one piece of cake in a two hour visit (plus 4 hr round trip) made it a slightly strained and hungry experience.
Just wanted what I want this year (to be with my partner), hey ho.

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StrandedUnderTheMisltoe · 19/11/2011 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 19/11/2011 10:59

Your dc's practically are grown ups, so you don't all have to be tied to the house this year. Any other grownup families you know in the same situation?

Can't you all group together and have a long boozy lunch or dinner in a nice hotel or pub?

When I was single i did this for three years we went to a hotel on Park Lane and It was only £30 a head! Booze extra of course. How about a grown up dinner with your kids, you might see them in a whole new relationship. And the change of scenery can only help.

Sorry to hear about your relationship status, you seem to have been a pillar of support and done all the giving, now you seem to be hanging on waiting to see what will happen. Bypass the mum, bypass the awkward Christmas invite and focus on a selfish, indulgent, enjoyable Christmas for you and your family.

I hope you get the day you deserve.

ssd · 19/11/2011 16:11

hi op, maybe he doesnt get it because he has more extended family around him?

I feel for you, its hard going sometimes

I hope you get someone to come round, break it up a bit for you

Its only one day, but its a bit of a deal breaker isnt it Sad

fedupofnamechanging · 19/11/2011 16:40

I think that this relationship is on the way out if he's made plans for his own Christmas, rather than talking about what the two of you want to do. He's kind of saying 'this is my life - fit in or don't'. There doesn't seem to be much partnership here.

I would have a proper talk with him and tell him what you've told us. I think it's better to know where you stand sooner rather than later. I know he's had a hard time, but clearly, so have you and I think you deserve proper consideration and the respect of actually being treated like a partner. Possibly, he's become a bit selfish and needs to be made to look at things from your pov. If it's not to be though, then best you know.

clairefromsteps · 19/11/2011 19:55

Truly, it sounds like you have two options here:

a) Spend Christmas on a 'Meh, come if you want' invite from your DP and his toxic-sounding mother, or

b) Stop at home with your DCs, make something delish for lunch and then fall into a chocolate-liqueur-induced torpor in front of the TV.

And I wouldn't be spending the day being glum in the kitchen on my own. I'd be spending it on match.com. I realise your DP has been ill, but it is perfectly possible to have a life-changing illness and generally complicated life and not behave like a knob to your partner.

clairefromsteps · 19/11/2011 19:56

Gah, posted too quickly! I meant to add - whatever you end up doing, I hope it's a good one!

cat64 · 19/11/2011 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 20/11/2011 21:45

Hello again all after a quick weekend (and bday) break....and good news. First thing DP did as I walked into his house yesterday was sit me down and tell me that his mum isn't coming for xmas after all. She had a change of plan to do with other family members suddenly appearing from abroad.
So hooray! DP looked genuinely relieved and told me that he really wanted me and DCs to come to his for xmas.
Although he didn't really fix it himself I won't dwell on that and will take the good times as they come.
Thanks you for all your lovely support and advice, we live to fight another day!

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