To want to work??

[wifey6]

I am a SAHM but work 4 hours at a weekend to earn extra money to pay my bills etc. My DS is with his dad..my DH..while I work. My previous employers offered me 5 hours on a Saturday which for a few weeks now has been good & worked well. However...they would like to make it more permanent but my DH won't give up the afternoon to have our DS..only 1 weekend a month. So this would mean me relying on my mum & MIL to watch our DS. It just seems a bit unfair to me? AIBU though?

That is Gutting, you clearly love this job. Is there anyone else who can look after them? In the meantime I really think you should go On strike. It sounds like he doesn't appreciate just how much you do for him and your DS.

why don't you tell dh to pay it or at least pay out joint finances?

do you want to work purely for money then? i thought you wanted to do it for other reasons than financial.

If this was me Id have just accepted the job, it would have been a given that my DP would look after HIS OWN SON. Fuck the garage, its not going anywhere is it, your job has though unfortunately

Sorry for your situation, your DH sounds like a prick

Well, he's won hasn't he?

If that had been me I'd have simply told him I was taking the job and that was that.

"i thought you wanted to do it for other reasons than financial."

sorry, just re-read and nowhere you suggest it.

I don't know how old your DS is, but why can't he hang out in the garage while DH works? If he's very small, his crib or playpen could be out there, and DH just gets to keep an eye on him while he works. What is wrong with that set up? I think you could leave him there with DH, is he really going to ignore his own son?

and sorry, how big is this garage that it going to / is taking him so bloody long to finish it? Maybe you should suggest getting someone more capable in to finish it off? or is he deliberately taking his sweet time with it do you think?

My DS is 16months. The garage is massive & is in a state! Its not safe for him to be out there. I only speak to my mum & she is very busy herself at weekends with her university. I think he feels that as I do work (4hours) that it's enough...

i would still consider the route of paid childcare. after all it is your dh's turn to look after ds, so it is his responsibility to pick up the tab if he is not able to do it himself (methinks)

Id tell him he has to pay for the child care where do you get time to be just you and not a mother yet he swans off to the gym and goes to his mums on Sunday night. What an out and out fucking pig.

What abut his DM? She can make dinner, can she watch a kidlet maybe instead? he's her grandson too.

Unfortunately MIL has also said she only has 2 weekends off a month & isn't prepared to sacrifice her free time (do we spot a pattern forming). My mum has been great...juggling her uni & watching my DS.

How about you present DH with an invoice for the money you would have earned if he hadnt put his foot down and stopped you doing this other job?

Agree with Fabby (first time for everything)

Can I say OP you seem to have accepted this very quietly, I see all to often on MN "is he usually this controlling?" but in this case I think it is essential that you ask yourself this.

I would not blame grandparents, yes, it is their grandson, but they are allowed to say "no". Your dh should on the other hand find a solution that does not involve you.

molly...I actually did tell him that the money I lost today was what I would of bought DS's new winter clothes with. He has offered to pay. Can I add...it's only his time he doesn't give up...financially & emotionally supportive.

bemy...I agree...that's why I would rather 'bow out quietly' & look after my DS than rely on others if his dad can't.

" Offered to pa". What do you mean by this, wifey? Surely you share money or have two equal bank accounts?

I'm shocked you've let him do this. What else doe she do to control your life?

You say can't. His father can but he is refusing.

Why don;t you just go anyway? I mean, really, what on earth can he do?

troisgarcons the OP wants him to look after their ds so she can go to worl not so she can go gallivanting. OP YANBU, I'm reallt sorry you missed out on the job. He is being selfish and I would be telling him so.

OP he CAN he just won't. He is being stubborn and selfish.

I do see everyone's point of view- I really do. I just think if he isnt prepared to give up his time at weekends at this point...I will accept that & be happy with the hours I do work. It's not about him controlling me...he isn't like that. My employers also asked for me to leave my other job..which isn't realistic...that would of meant more childcare issues when DH is at work etc. so may be all for the best.

wifey6 - I'm struggling slightly to follow what's actually happening at the moment.

Are there two jobs that you were doing - one for 4 hours and another for 5 hours? And DH is only prepared to cover the one for 4 hours?

DH has Sundays to work on the garage/house, you say, so presumably the other 9 hours all fall on a Saturday?

My basic problem with what you're describing is that both of you seem to see things as solely the responsibility of one or the other - e.g. you see garage as something that is DH's responsibility, and DH sees DS as your responsibility apart from for 4 hours per week. Money seems to be another problematic area.

You both had DS together, so share the responsibility 50/50. Ditto, you both share the home, so deciding the priority your family attaches to finishing it is a 50/50 responsibility.

You need to sort this out asap for the sake of your long-term relationship and please, please don't bring more dc into this, as I suspect you will find that the 4 hours you currently get to yourself dwindles to nothing, as your DH doesn't sound like he could cope with 2 dcs.

IsItMeOr....you have the work stuff right... Didn't explain it very well. You also got the responsibility factor right...that does seem that is how things fall. If that be intentionally or not. Financially...DH does support us all & extra when DS or I née anything. Working those extra hours was about me 're-gaining' myself a bit more..I think that's what's upset me most.
We have agreed -after I showed this thread- that we are going to discuss everything - and make things more equal between us in regard to work..free-time etc.

Tell him if he can't get the work on the garage done on one day a week at the weekend, then he can give up his time at the gym and do it then.

If you threw him out, normal access arrangements would be one evening a week and every other weekend for the whole weekend, does he not consider it should be a sign he's actually being a bad father that he lives in the same house as his DS but spends less 1:1 time with him than a non-resident parent.

I really think if someone would prioritise going to the gym 3 times a week (when he could be working on the garage) and sorting out a garage to be more important than spending any of his free time with his son is a sign of a very bad father. This needs nipping in the bud regardless of you working.

"Working those extra hours was about me 're-gaining' myself a bit more..I think that's what's upset me most."

So I wasn't imagining it when I thought it was not just about the money.
OP, you absolutely have to insist that your dh finds a solution to childcare on Saturdays...

wifey6 - thanks for clarifying.

I know exactly what you mean about needing to re-gain yourself. I felt/feel the same, and work does help with that.

Good luck talking it through with your DH. You'll both need to compromise, although I get the impression that he may need to be doing a bit more compromising than you!