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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have bargained for an extra detention

40 replies

lidldarling · 18/11/2011 11:19

We've had a fair few issues with our recently adopted 13yo and his problems with authority.

He used to be really terrible at getting up for school and was very often late. However, recently he has improved all round at school and has been getting up for school with no problem. All this week though he has had a huge attitude problem, rude etc. and when I wake him up he won't get out of bed, shouts at me to shut up etc. I just had a call from the school to say he was late on Tuesday and so was given an 8am detention for Wednesday which he didn't turn up for. Then he was late on THursday for which he was given an 8am detention today. Again he didn't turn up. So for 2 late arrivals and 2 missed detentions, he has been given 1 Saturday morning detention (10-12).

He will hate the Saturday morning detention, but not nearly as much as an 8am start. I told the HOY who called me that he should still have at least 1 8am start plus the Saturday detention or he is just choosing one over the other (he knew if he didn't get in early today he would get the Saturday morning one instead).

Am I being a cow?

OP posts:

BlueCat2010 · 18/11/2011 11:30

No, YANBU!

Original poster

lidldarling · 18/11/2011 11:45

Thanks Blue. I mean, surely there should be a punishment for missing the detentions. I hope he doesn't find out it was me that suggested it though.

OP posts:

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 18/11/2011 12:28

Yanbu !

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/11/2011 12:38

Lidldarling - you are doing the right thing. We had a similar experience with ds1. Apparently he'd managed to do a whole term of biology without having anything in his exercise book - despite many reminders from his teacher. At the beginning of the next year, he had the head of science for biology, who was so appalled at this that he called me and said he wanted to have ds1 in detentions to copy up the work he'd missed.

I was given the choice of a series of after-school detentions or sending him to school in half term - the teacher had to be in school to do some work and said I could send ds1 in, and he'd sit in the corner of the classroom until he'd finished - and I chose the half-term detentions because I knew it would make more of an impact on ds1 than a series of after school detentions!! [cruel, wicked mother emoticon][utterly unashamed emoticon]

Original poster

lidldarling · 18/11/2011 12:51

Quite right SDTG! The school have done this before when he hasn't turned up to a detention. They've given him another detention - so it's as if he can choose when he does the detention. I really want him to be responsible for getting himself out of bed in the mornings as I really hate calling him time and time again and getting horrible attitude for my trouble...

OP posts:

scaryteacher · 18/11/2011 13:09

I find a cold wet flannel does the trick in getting a reluctant teenage boy out of bed....

I wish ds's school offered half term detentions - I'd have had him in there like a shot!

Original poster

lidldarling · 18/11/2011 13:39

If it was our DS I would definitely do the cold flannel thing. But because we haven't had him long (he is DP's DN) I can't really do something physical like that. I open his bedroom door which he hates, and if necessary I send the toddler in .

OP posts:

tablefor3 · 18/11/2011 13:50

send the toddler in with a flannel

tablefor3 · 18/11/2011 13:51

PS - Lidl - I wanted to say how much I admire what you are doing for your DN and wish you all the best with whatever decision you make re moving.

[scary lurker emote]

Original poster

lidldarling · 18/11/2011 14:57

aw thanks table, I'm actually rather proud to have a lurker! I like the idea of sending DS in with a flannel - or a jar of ice cubes??

OP posts:

tablefor3 · 18/11/2011 15:48

or whatever your loudest (undoubtedly vtech) toy you own....

spiderpig8 · 18/11/2011 15:54

I think YABU. You have asked the school to increase his punishment!You are supposed to be on his side .I can't think of onme occasion on MN when I haev sen a natural mother do the same thing

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/11/2011 15:56

Lidldarling and tablefor3 - I feel that a cold flannel/icecubes/vtech toy might be a bit too subtle for this situation. Get an airhorn.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/11/2011 15:58

Airhorns available on Amazon.

No - don't thank me - glad to help.

Original poster

lidldarling · 18/11/2011 17:58

Spiderpig - I have asked them to increase his punishment yes - although we are only talking detentions here, nothing more draconian. Is love only shown by saying there there, I understand why you wouldn't want to do as you're told? Being on their side doesn't always mean taking the easy route. And no, I'm not his 'natural mother' .

SDTG, you know I actually might get that - as a child I had a Tweeting Woodstock which was a hideous yellow bird suspended on a spring from my ceiling that made a vile tweeting noises at 30 second intervals. My dad used to come in a switch it on.

OP posts:

KittyFane · 18/11/2011 18:02

You are wonderful Lidl! You have done the right thing :)

Original poster

lidldarling · 18/11/2011 18:11

I'm not wonderful though. It's hard dealing with teens at the best of times but I'm in a difficult situation because he has no reason to love me and every reason to resent me (although we do get on really well sometimes).

OP posts:

KittyFane · 18/11/2011 18:15

But you are starting to set boundaries and making sure that appropriate consequences are in place if rules are broken.

Keep going, it's going to be tough but you are doing the right thing.

DharmaBumpkin · 18/11/2011 18:16

Just wanted to mention, ice cubes are bad because they melt and make the bed wet. Frozen marbles on the other hand, not only don't melt but also roll around after the offender, forcing them to get or if bed extremely quickly...

troisgarcons · 18/11/2011 18:31

I think YABU. You have asked the school to increase his punishment!You are supposed to be on his side .I can't think of onme occasion on MN when I haev sen a natural mother do the same thing

Well, I once asked my sons HoY - he was put in seclusion and tasked with a paint scraper to scrape chewing gum off tables with the caretakers - for playing football with a bag of sandwiches (very strict school) - would dressing him in a pink boilersuit with "I'm a pratt" on the back would be more fun?

The stunned silence on the phone as she finally giggled and said "Mrs Garcons, I don't think I've ever met a parent quite like you"

Oh then there was the time at the other sons school where I got mightily tired of the endless meetings and announced "Look! he doesnt have ADHD, he has attitude interspersed with liberal doses of wankerisation from time to time" and that was greeted with another stunned silence, followed by a "Well, you're the first parent not begging for a lable to justify bad behaviour"

We dont all bubble wrap our kids, think they are the dogs bollocks and can do no wrong. Some of us like it when schools take a hard line on discipline.

Original poster

lidldarling · 18/11/2011 18:50

It would be perfect for me if the school would take a hard line on things like lateness and missing homework. If he knows that every time he's late he has to get up 45 minutes earlier the next day, he'll soon work out it's not worth it and I will have one less thing to berate him for.

Strangely he is never happier than when he has been told off.

OP posts:

Original poster

lidldarling · 18/11/2011 18:51

trois are you that governor from Texas who makes prisoners wear pink jumpsuits??? .

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troisgarcons · 18/11/2011 19:01

thats what gave me the idea!

troisgarcons · 18/11/2011 19:02

Strangely he is never happier than when he has been told off.

Ah the old 'any attention is attention' syndrome - so used to negative attention that it's the only way he knows how to get noticed.

That is something you will have to work on, the positive reinforcement that good attention is far more rewarding.

Original poster

lidldarling · 18/11/2011 19:13

When he started doing really well at school we had a talk about how much better it was to have everyone saying how great you are, instead of constant detentions, report cards and tellings off. We've had him 18 months and I do think he wanted to be saved - before he was loved but allowed to do whatever he wanted by someone (his granny) who has a profound dislike of authority.

I have to be really careful though, because if I over-reward the positive, he immediately acquires a cocky arrogant attitude and we have to start all over again. Quite a lot of messed up stuff in his head I think.

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