to have bargained for an extra detention

[lidldarling]

We've had a fair few issues with our recently adopted 13yo and his problems with authority.

He used to be really terrible at getting up for school and was very often late. However, recently he has improved all round at school and has been getting up for school with no problem. All this week though he has had a huge attitude problem, rude etc. and when I wake him up he won't get out of bed, shouts at me to shut up etc. I just had a call from the school to say he was late on Tuesday and so was given an 8am detention for Wednesday which he didn't turn up for. Then he was late on THursday for which he was given an 8am detention today. Again he didn't turn up. So for 2 late arrivals and 2 missed detentions, he has been given 1 Saturday morning detention (10-12).

He will hate the Saturday morning detention, but not nearly as much as an 8am start. I told the HOY who called me that he should still have at least 1 8am start plus the Saturday detention or he is just choosing one over the other (he knew if he didn't get in early today he would get the Saturday morning one instead).

Am I being a cow?

Dharma frozen marbles! You're a evil genius!

Positive reinforcement works by setting yourself a target (eg. ten things a day) and then catching him doing at least that many each day and praising him. So if he puts rubbish in the bin rather than dropping it on the floor, you praise. If he hangs his Blazer on a peg, rather then discard on the floor you praise. If he play nicely with your toddler you praise. (It doesn't have to be over the top, just a simple "thank you, its nice of you to remember/do that".)
It also helps to try to ignore/minimise the attention to bad behaviour.
I also think lots of parents here would help school more adequately punish their children, they learn through consequences. I have been so cruel as to sign DS for extra tuition in the summer holidays, or let him get a detention for lateness or forgetfulness (when I could have intervened).

You seem to be doing fine.

for spiderpig.

My mum did this for my brother, she's his "natural mother" and he did get a grip of himself. Not that beong the "natural mother has anything to do with it! Well done OP, too often the easy way out is taken & results in the feral youth of today!

Thanks lidl. What can I say, it's a natural talent

lidl I can't believe it's been 18 months already! Where has the time gone!

I know! He has come a long way. He's now in top set for everything which is not bad for the kid who was in a remedial group this time last year.

Wow, I can't believe the nastiness of spiderpig's post. What a vile thing to say. Natural mother wouldn't do it indeed! Shame on you.

lidl that's wonderful, did you end up moving to a bigger place in the end and has the grandma changed her ways a little?

You are clearly do something very right!

I can honestly say teenagers are annoying and hard work, he'll probably appreciate you when he gets to about 30

Spiderpig - BOLLOCKS. I have insisted that the school stop giving my DD Lunchtime detentions that she never goes to when she has done something wrong - and MADE them change it to an after-school detention. If there were other detention types at her school that would have made more of an impact on her behaviour - I would have asked for that instead!! And DD IS my natural daughter. It has nothing to do with bio vs. adopted, and everything to do with enforcing the rules for your dc in the way that will best make them sit up and take notice of it. Do you HAVE teenage dc??

Thanks Random! We haven't moved yet as noone will give us a bigger mortgage but it's not quite so urgent for us now that dN is working harder at school. He is annoying I have to say, and no doubt he would be less annoying if I had had him as a baby and toddler etc. but I'm sticking to being fair and consistent. I do lose it with him sometimes though - he always has to have the last word. Do they all do that? I have a feeling I did it myself blush grin. Granny still a nightmare but she is seeking professional help which seems a positive step.

Hunty I quite agree. Teens are very adept at working the rules to their advantage. This is actually the hoy's fault and I have to say she is pretty useless (a teaching assistant promoted to head of years 8 and 9 confused). We have other issues, i.e. his planner has not been signed by a teacher since the start of term and he's definitely not writing all his homework down. How are we supposed to make sure he does it all if he doesn't have to write it down, and why will he bother if noone checks?

the last word thing is so a teenage trait, (starts about age 8), is the youngest in with you then still?

DS goes to bed in a cot in our room and we carry him through to another cot in the office when we go to bed. He has finally started sleeping through (ish) so it hasn't been too bad - we're hoping to move very soon though.

He can be quite rude to me (he is very rude to his granny but she doesn't seem to see it as a problem) but I still definitely have the upper hand. I need to get him as 'retrained' as possible before the hormones really kick in and he gets too much taller than me.

I am training him to 'only say things in his head'

LOL

I keep training my eldest (nearly 15) that there are somethings you should write on facebook - just in your head!

I teach boys with emotional & behavioural problems. I know where OP is coming from, but am worried that there may be an emerging circle of conflict. Obviously, I know nothing of the circumstances under which you have adopted your DP's DN, but experience tells me that adoptions within a family, whilst often very constructive in the long term, can also be very difficult in the short term as they often involve degrees of emotion that the children either do not recognise or cannot deal with.

Your ultimate goal should be for your new DC to make good choices for himself. I would suggest that you explain to him that both you and the school have agreed that there has to be a detention as a consequence for his behaviour and offer him a choice of when (and even where) to do it. make it clear that if he refuses to make a choice, then you will do it for him.

Your comment that "he is never happier than when he has been told off" is very telling, in that it strongly suggests he is desperate for attention. I would hazard a guess that his recent reversion to bad getting-up is based on lack of attention / praise when he did well at this. It might cut against your personal grain, but a clearly defined reward system might be very helpful.

For instance, if my students work hard & behave well for a whole lesson, they get a biscuit when the bell goes. They could not give a stuff about the biscuit per se (they come to school laden down with sweets, chocolate crisps etc in lieu of breakfast, lunch etc"), but they are pathetically desperate for their efforts to be achnowledged. Then they go home, get in fights, rob their neighbours, deal drugs etc...

Afteralong thanks for your interesting post. It's an interfamily thing, not really an adoption - he was brought up by his granny and is still very close to her.

When the Hoy phoned me I expressed my concern that he had got off lightly for ignoring two detentions that he definitely knew he had. That's when she reinstated an early morning one next week - she won't mention that I asked for it, it'll just be his school thing.

He does have a reward for leaving on time for school (his beloved KFC on Friday). I do positive praise and talk to him lots about his choices but I admit I find it a difficult balance to strike. If I give him too much praise his behaviour becomes really arrogant and he starts refusing to do ordinary things he did previously without question (i.e. plate in dishwasher).