Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let ILs take DD out

29 replies

PenguinArmy · 18/11/2011 08:38

hopefully having ILs in the title will get this answered quickly.

They are due in 30 mins but DD isn't well. The plan was for them to take her for 4 hours. This child fights sleep and doesn't sleep anywhere other than bed generally (e.g. it takes 3 hours in the buggy for her to fall asleep when well). Except this morning she just laid on the floor and went to sleep Shock (shes 20 months). They see her every 3 months, but we will see them at xmas (xmas eve & day in fact).

What shall I say?

They are only here for her, have no interest in me (which is fair enough). They are also pretty non stop and intense with her so won't let her rest.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/11/2011 08:40

You say, "So sorry, but DD really isn't well. We'll have to rearrange, what a shame".

Hope she's better soon, OP.

Everlong · 18/11/2011 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PenguinArmy · 18/11/2011 08:48

It's just I don't trust them to actually let her rest. Honestly silence is not tolerated they just at her the whole time trying to get her to perform. Whereas if they are out, then they can push her in the buggy so she would get some respite. They have form for not believing in naps so wouldn't put her down if tired.

However as you say its a shame for them to come for nothing (they were here yesterday and here half of tomorrow)

OP posts:
OhTheConfusion · 18/11/2011 08:53

Don't send poor DD out if she is unwell. Stay home and invite them to play with her quietly and then if you think she needs a nap (or she dozes off on her own) take charge and remove her from the room. DD comes first, no one else.

Do they live far away?

squeakytoy · 18/11/2011 08:56

They have only seen her six times in her life if they see her every 3 months.. do they live a fair distance away?

Hardgoing · 18/11/2011 09:02

I'm sorry but your child's needs are the priority, especially around well-meaning but insensitive IL's who can't be trusted to know when children need naps/food etc (I know, I have some).

In these situations, you have to be breezy but firm. Tough if they don't want to hang around with you this afternoon, it's not ok for two people who only see your dd once every three months to take her out for four hours when she is ill. Either she stays home with you and you do stuff at home, with them minding her, or you all go out together so you can keep an eye on her.

I'm sorry but you have to be very firm in these situations, sending out an ill child just to please some IL's is not on, and I say that as someone who is very supportive of grandparental relationships, but not at any price.

Original poster
PenguinArmy · 18/11/2011 09:03

3 months is how what we think they'll see in the next year. We lived in the same town as for for 3 months so saw her loads, then we moved to the US for a year so they only saw her for a week. We moved back in Aug and they've seen her twice since then not including this visit. This is the first time they've been to see us.

I'll guess I'll have to play it by ear

OP posts:
Original poster
PenguinArmy · 18/11/2011 09:03

they now live 2 hours away

OP posts:
Original poster
PenguinArmy · 18/11/2011 09:08
OP posts:
OhTheConfusion · 18/11/2011 09:12

Good for you. Parents and ILs can be very demanding!

Hardgoing · 18/11/2011 09:15

Penguin, I can so relate to your experience, my IL's came all the way from another country when my dd was about 6 months and she didn't want to go to them at all, the entire visit. I was mortified. My dd1 also found them very over-intense and used to run away! Over time they are learning that you can't just arrive having not seen the children for months, and start interacting/over-stimulating them, you have to go slowly and at the child's pace.

And if they are ill, they are ill and they have to fall in with what suits the child on that day and not the other way around.

It's better than her being taken out and getting a temp/screaming/being sick or just plain miserable and at 20 months she will start to associate that with them. Better be the firm mummy in this situation, it will work better in the long-term.

pictish · 18/11/2011 09:15

You want to put the kybosh on your ILs, who only see their gc once every three months, but who dote on her, spending the day with your 20 month old dd because....and let me get this straight...she has fallen asleep?!

Yabu.

Sidge · 18/11/2011 09:19

Is she poorly, or just tired and having an unsheduled catch-up catnap?

If the former of course YANBU to say to them you'd rather they didn't take her out.

If the latter give them a coffee whilst she naps, then when she wakes full of beans let them take her out and run ragged whilst you doze on the sofa.

Original poster
PenguinArmy · 18/11/2011 09:28

no of course not the sleep is a sign of her illness (I wanted to highlight how unusual it is for her), slight fever, runny nose and upset tummy.

They are here and have commented themselves she is far from right. Lets see how the morning pans out. Any ear muffs going spare?

OP posts:
pictish · 18/11/2011 09:34

Ahhh well in that case, they will of course have to take into account that she seems unwell. You didn't detail the other symptoms before...just said she's fallen asleep on the floor, and ime that's not unusual for tots.
Got you now!

Original poster
PenguinArmy · 18/11/2011 11:15

Sorry should have done just she's never done that before and that's what made randomly worry more.

I'm hiding in the bedroom. They're taking some interest in DS today so that's giving her some reprieve.

OP posts:
Original poster
PenguinArmy · 18/11/2011 11:25

OK I can overhear them talking about asking to take her out

What's a breezy yet firm no?

OP posts:
pictish · 18/11/2011 11:28

Err...how about:

"Not today I'm afraid....she seems unwell and I'd rather she stayed in to rest....in fact, I shall probably out her to bed! Why not take ds out?"

pictish · 18/11/2011 11:28

put

BlueCat2010 · 18/11/2011 11:29

How about trilling 'I don't think that's a good idea as she has an upset stomach, and I'm sure you don't want to be caught out!'

Original poster
PenguinArmy · 18/11/2011 11:29

DS is 5 weeks and bit of a feeder, but I could tank him up and give them an hour/90mins or if he stirs

thanks will offer them that

OP posts:
seeker · 19/11/2011 00:19

Just because a child is a little bit unwell doesn't mean she can't go out!

squeakytoy · 19/11/2011 00:30

They are only here for her, have no interest in me (which is fair enough).

If you disappear off to hide whenever they come, then it sounds like you dont make them feel very welcome..

lilyliz · 19/11/2011 01:26

you could have put her to bed and they could have read to her while you got on with DS,also you could try and be a wee bit more welcoming,it's a two way street you know.

OhTheConfusion · 19/11/2011 09:37

How did things pan out in the end? I hate the sense of entitlement some people have.