Awful rows with DD over house purchase

[Sloobreeus]

I,am so tired and disheartened that I can no longer think of what is the right thing to do. Put in an offer for a house that DD 17 came to see. I really like the house and she said it was OK. Thought it was teenage inertia. She is now livid and saying that I should only buy something she likes too. Bearing in mind that it might be my home for 20 years and she will be off to university next year, am I being unreasonable to press ahead? Other stuff with me feeling I am treated like a slave and her losing her temper over me not being the perfect housekeeper. I am exhausted and just want some harmony but it is impossible. I keep trying to talk a bout anything but she is so angry. Is it best to keep talking? Is it best to let us both cool off? No friends around to talk to. The longer I am a mother the worse I seem to do at it. Any thoughts anyone?

just buy the house and let her decorate her room. she is probably freaking out about change of any kind.

it's not up to your DD to buy the house

Her input is important but not a deal breaker

As Oranges says let her decorate her room and talk though if she is upset by the change

Good advice from oranges.

Why is she losing her temper over you not bei g a perfect housekeeper?

will she pay half the mortgage??

No...thought not, so buy the local rag and highlight rooms to rent if she is being so precious!

or maybe a small heart to heart if you want to be a nice mama and not a confrontational witch like me

If she didn't like it she should have said so. Its your decision not hers. She won't live there long term, she is not paying for it so she doesn't get the final say. If she had hated it and you had gone ahead then maybe she would have a point.

As Oranges says she is probably stressed about the whole concept of moving.

Tell her votes on which house to buy are available on a % of the cost of said house basis. Ask her how many votes she wants to buy.

I would honestly tell her that when she is grown-up and has worked hard to get herself into a situation where she can buy herself a house THEN she will get to choose it. In the meantime she can have her own room to decorate and respect your right to choose the house you will spend the next 20 or so years in.

I agree with all the other posters about DD not being allowed to dictate this.

However... I'd probably spend some time finding out what her issues are exactly. Don't beg, plead, wheedle. Expect an adult conversation and refuse to discuss if it deteriorates. Give her time to come around to talking about it. It may take several 'starts' and 'finishes'.

Teens are unreasonable and precious and rude.

They are also confused and scared.

how about "well DD, when you are buying the house, you can pick it. You're old enough to leave home if you don't like the home I'm providing." any time she says anything, singsong voice and CBeebies presenter smile and say "well if you don't want to move into it, you're welcome to find somewhere else to go!"

Don't try to talk to her about it, just tell her this is the house you are buying. She might strop up, but this isn't her decision. If she wants the grown up responsibility of picking her own home, she can pay for it.

Rereading your first post reminds me of a few yrs back with my DD. She treated me with contempt.

If she was shite with me, I assumed it was my fault and appeased her....which I think made her feel bad (because she knew she was being shitty). In her anger she was nastier to me (as the cause of making her feel bad) which made me appease her, which... get the idea?

Don't ask her opinion in future. Tell her to do housework herself and slap yourself on the back for being a fabulous Mum- because I bet you are

Thank you, bless you all for responding. Catsmama, I try to be an understanding mama but end up sounding like a confrontational witch (which is how she sees me). DD was very difficult at 12 but things improved for years. In the last months it's all gone down hill. She makes me feel that I have learned nothing as a parent, know nothing, understand no-one. Have completely lost my confidence. Moving house was to give me a project, something positive to think about and now I just feel I hadn't bothered but won't contemplate disappointing the couple whose house I want to buy. I am a single mother (have been for ten years) and this is by far the worse it's been.

PS I love you, Toothbrush. Thank you!

I love you too Sloobreeus

You should buy the house if you like it. DD will most likely have move out very soon. Don't let her dictate to you, it is your life and your money.

Sloobreeus, please stand up for yourself. She has no right to bully, nag and criticise you. Your house, your mortgage, your choice.

If she's 17 and you are working while she's at school, the housework should be split 50/50. Get her to ask nicely, calmly and gratefully for every single thing she expects from you, from clean clothes and bedlinen to every drink, meal and bus fare for one whole week, so she sees how much you already do and give to her. Anything she can't be gracious about, don't give her.

I have a friend whose daughter ended up violent with her mother, she had such little regard for her, and my friend is the loveliest woman. Please stick up for yourself and your rights, and be very clear that you have the responsibilities, so it's your choice. You're the adult here.

She is being as unreasonable as you let her get away with. You are not being unreasonable at all, unless I count you being too hard on yourself and too soft on her. I learned great piece of advice a couple of years ago when I was feeling down: no one can make you feel bad without your permission. If you choose not to stand for her foul behaviour, refuse to be bullied by her and show her strongly that her criticisms are ridiculous, they might peak for a short while but in time they'll stop.

I have a spare pair of balls here, consider them mailed to you!

Treat her like a respected old friend rather than a daughter. Don't take shit from her, but don't belittle her either. People are rarely horrible for no reason, so a calm conversation might winkle out what's wrong with her. Like a toddler, she's going through a huge developmental stage at the moment and can't handle it. That's no excuse for being horrible but as the parent it's your job to stay calm and control the situation. Don't feed the tantrums and try to reason with her if you can.

I don't know how long you have been in your present house and whether she considers it to be her home and may feel very attached for it. What are the reasons for moving - are they justifiable? Do you have to move? Are you moving to an area you and she both like and which might have benefits for both of you?

I agree that dd shouldn't be able to dictate this but I know that our dc, who have only ever lived in one house, get very twitchy if DH and I talk about selling up and moving.

You aren't a crap mum, you are just the mum of a teenager. My DS was vile in the summer when I put his black jeans on a hot wash and they went grey lost some of their blackness. To me it was one of those things, to him it was a really big deal!

I agree with the "You get a say when you are paying half the mortgage" line.

She's a teenager - it's her job to wind you up.

Refuse to engage and walk away if she starts having a go - better for your blood pressure and it'll takes the wind out of her sails.

You are the adult here. Stop trying to treat your dd as if she is a friend you are desparate to keep, and treat her the age she is acting.

My sister, having very similar problems with her DD of 17, amazed the DD by saying "let's talk this over with a bottle of wine". The "adultness" of sharing a bottle with Mum brought out her adult side.

They now share a bottle once a month and talk and listen.

That is an anecdote not necessarily a recommendation BTW.