AIBU.... to want a bit of recognition from parents for all the GOOD I do?

[juniper904]

Tonight was the first of our two nights of parents' evening, and it's been an exhausting time.

Minus the fact I was at work for 12 1/2 hours today and worked through my lunch, as well as being on break duty, I am a bit down with the general lack of recognition from parents for the positive things I do for their children.

I'm a year 3 teacher, and I work 60+ hours per week without a doubt. I have a million and one things in place to help every child feel settled, I think the children enjoy their time in my class and I have worked really hard to establish a safe and enjoyable learning environment.

Every child's book is marked with encouraging feedback, with two positives and one 'next step'. All the children know what they need to do to progress, and how they should achieve their next steps.

I deal with so many everyday trivial issues, including arguments involving 'finders keepers versus losers weepers' and I am patient and calm, even when the 20th child asks the same question we have discussed 20 times.

So it's really disheartening to be shouted at, accused and generally spoken to in unpleasant ways by parents, when it all seems uncalled for. They are the minority, but even the parents who didn't shout and scream didn't really show any recognition for all the positives. They all want to point out the minor, trivial things that aren't perfect. Like I forgot to wish a child happy birthday, even though it was on a Saturday. And I remembered the following week.

I know that's a lot of moaning, but it feels pretty crappy when you try to make learning fun and effective, and parents don't appreciate it.

So am I being unreasonable? Should I just stop whining, and start counting down until the Christmas holiday?

OP, be happy you don't work in secondary where many of the children don't appreciate you either. Ungrateful and resentful teenagers whom even the parents struggle to have a civil relationship with.

yanbu op.

You sound like a fabulous teacher. The kind that all children remember even 40 years later.

Take heart. I'm sure you are appreciated, fat least you would be by me if you were teaching my children.

YANBU.

I stopped my DD's teacher the other week to tell her I was really pleased with the progress she'd made in reading since the start of the year.

Admittedly, it was a bit of a "Ooh Mrs X..." in passing quick comment, but she looked a bit puzzled and incredulous because it turned out she thought I'd said I was concerned because she'd made no progress and she, too, was really pleased with the progress she made.

I've always had a completely 'open door' policy with my classes - I actually really enjoy speaking with parents!

DD's school has such a closed door policy that we didn't see inside the Reception classroom at all until the first parents evening in November. Frustrating as a parent, but as a teacher, I can only guess that this was a decision driven by the behaviour of some of the parents I have seen out on the playground.

Some of them are vile!

I am a former primary teacher and I have to agree with others who have said you need to forget about getting any satisfaction from parents. You and they have two separate agendas - you're doing a difficult job that you get paid for, they're advocating on behalf of the person they love most in the world. They really don't give a hoot that you're managing 30 kids every day, all that matters to them is how their own child is doing. The odd bit of praise and recognition is a lovely but rare thing and you can't depend on it. If you do you'll wear yourself out.

IME a shouting parent is one who has other fears and frustrations but who has no one to vent to about it except the teacher. Remember you might be the only other person in that parent's life who actually cares about the child. A lot of the angry parents I've come across had a hideous time at school themselves and so have a huge fear of school situations. They see any criticism as an attack and they react badly. If a parent starts shouting the best thing to do IMO is not rise to it at all. Don't react, just sit and wait until they've run out of steam. Then ask "What's bothering you Mrs/Mr X," in as sympathetic a tone as possible. I had to do this about five times and every single time the parent broke down and told me about how worried they were their child had special needs, or about a difficult ex partner, or some other big life worry that was stressing them out. Shouting is never excusable but often there is a reason and listening for a few minutes, coming across as a real human being who actually does care, can really sort out difficult relationships. IME a lot of parents don't see the teacher as a real person, they just see him or her as a worker there to serve their child. Seeming human makes you less of a target in the long run.

Our School is very open and allows parental appointments at anytime. I try to always thank the teachers as much as I can. I once witnessed parents screaming at the teacher, but I'd also heard rumblings from other parents about the child's attitude and the fact that he never did homework, was allowed to stay up to all hours and was often too tired to cope at school. The parents didn't like hearing the teacher pull them up on all this and started screaming balling and shouting.

yy Cailin

I always try and say someting nice to the teachers, then they like you and hopefully your child

heh heh

I agree with mrspratchett and I would like to say
"Thank you Mr Desborough"

I thank my DDs teacher a LOT...every day when I pick her up I say thank you to the teacher...I agree that other parents treat teachers like nobdies who they don't even think about.

YANBU.
I have always made a point of thanking teachers when I feel that they have helped my DC.
Parents go to great lengths to buy presents at Christmas and the end of year but I'm sure that what they would appreciate more is a simply 'thank you' in a card. Certainly as a teacher the thing that I liked best was a homemade card and message from the DC and one where they said something unique to them with perhaps an 'in' class joke and not something bland, dictated by mum.

YANBU - but put it into perspective my DW is a teacher and every day will be sworn at, kids throw things, shout, run out of classes and the head keeps telling the staff they are just 'normal' kids and should be bale to be taught for a full 50 minutes and it's your fault if they are bored and the lessons aren't entertaining enough.

I'd agree with the comment of 10 minutes being a short time to talk to the teacher, so if you have any concerns you need to perhaps shove them in quicker.
I don't think parents evening would be very constructive if it was based round a mutal pat on each other's backs. The negatives are perhaps more important to mention as a general rule, as things that need sorting out. If you had longer, you might well find that people paid you more compliments.

I couldn't do your job, that's for sure. We need a teacher appreciation thread.

No one should be shouted at when they are doing their job. Except cold callers. And then only when I am grumpy and they are rude first.

But parents evening can be a time of extraordinary tension, defensiveness and angst and all carried out in a 7 minute time slot. Even grateful parents will be more interested in saying and hearing all that they want to rather than remembering to be polite.

MrsTerryPratchett is spot on. Thank you mrs cox.

OP, I wish you were my child's teacher!

Yabu, in most jobs people don't get 'thanked' and get grief from somewhere. Think about any of the services, public sector, cleaners, shop workers.

Well it is your job.I was a teacher dp isn't.Dp has a stressful and demanding job at times,gets little thanks(as do many other friends and family)it's life.

Sorry just getting a bit weary with all the look at me posts/threads from teachers and nurses saying we work harder than everybody else and we deserve more gratitude.You don't sorry.

Yes it would be nice to be appreciated more but perhaps as a nation we should try and appreciate all workers in all areas of work more and show a bit more gratitude across the board-where it's deserved.

It would be nice and festive if we could all say thank-you more.
Thanks Mrs Brown

But you get long holidays and a huge pension.....................................

if you dont kick the bucket first ............................................

just because noone else has suggested it, maybe its because you've not got it as sussed as you think! might be worth reflecting a bit on why it is such a downer across the board! Mine is only in preschool but we are very appreciative of what we see being done well and thank them regularly, all through school my parents had very pleasant chats with my nice teachers, and I come from a family of teachers who would have the odd parent who was a fuss pot and nothing was good enough, but then the good appreciative ones too.

also take a step back, the point is to talk about the minor individual things that parents feel need clarification or adjustment, that's what parent's evening is for, are you feeling a bit burnt out if you can't cope with that?

do you have any mentorship? is there anyone at work who you could chat to about how to make relations with parents more positive, or how to cope with criticism better?

You do sound like a fantastic teacher, please don't feel dishartened. My dd has just started foundation in MS school (she has dev delay, AS traits), she has a statement and her teachers and TA are excellent, she comes home smiling and happy, and that makes us happy too. Dh and I really appreciate everything they do with dd, and always say thank you when I pick her up. I am stuck for what to give dd teacher and TA for Christmas to show our thanks.

it is not your job to be shouted at. That's totally out of order. As far as accusations and criticism go, I think that might be unavoidable but shouting and insults are totally inacceptable IMO

Thi is because parents have so little time to discuss their dd's progress, that when they get the chance they tend to focus on all the negatives. I also thik that parents are sick to death of all the useless platitudes that the average teacher tends to come out with

I never thought of praising the teacher at parents evening, I thought the point was to discuss concerns.

Next time I will remember

Just strayed across this thread. On the way back from Parents Evening tonight I suddenly thought, shit, I didn't thank DS2s teacher. And she really is lovely and caring and understanding of his rather taxing behaviour sometimes. I even thought, wonder if she minds. Will send her a note tomorrow. And no, YANBU.

My sister left teaching because having thrown her heart and soul into one class she was confronted with a mum who wouldn't accept that her little darling needed any discipline for his bad behaviour. Her behaviour was vile and bullying.

DS's disallusionment prevented her putting so much effort in for another yr and she wouldn't accept less than that from herself.

I have two friends going through same stresses and disallusionment with teaching.