to think that the children are not just the woman's "job" and a man is not "helping" if he helps with his kids?

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

So many friends of mine refer to their DH/DPs as "helping with the kids". A friend of mine was ill at the weekend and her DH (after much persuasion) took their children out for a few hours so that she could rest. She said that he'd been so good, helping out with the children at the weekend. WTF! They are his kids!

Another friend has just been on holiday with her husband and children. She said her husband "helped out a bit on holiday so she couldn't complain". She then went on to say he slept on the flights there and back, leaving her to deal with the children, and spent his days laying on the sunbed whilst she supervised them. He was apparently "very good" and "helped to get them ready in the evenings and mornings" though.

My mum is as bad too. Referring to it as "babysitting" if my DH is home alone with the kids, and saying that he baths the children "for me". It infuriates me.

If a friend called and asked me to come out for drinks and DH already had plans I would never in a million years say "I can't, I'm babysitting" unless I was looking after someone else's child. I'd say, sorry DH is out. Other way round and DH would say to his friend "sorry, foxy is out tonight" he would never call it babysitting!

slinkingoutsideinsocks the dc are 17 and 13 now. Thanks for the biscuit. DH is on his way home!

LeQueen - fancy one

no foxy, I mean if you are meant to be going out as a couple, but can't because one of you needs to be there for the children. I suppose what I mean is "babysitting" is what you do as a parent when you literally can't/don't use a babysitter!

If I said I couldn't come out because I was babysitting, people would ask who for!! I've NEVER heard someone use that about thieir own children! Maybe it's regional / social? I would say "I've got no-one to have my kids".

WRT "helping" I have once or twice said commended DH for helping, when really he was just parenting, but in circumstances a bit above and beyond - a flight home from holiday when I was spectacularly ill and could not help at all with 2 maniac DS's springs to mind. In his shoes I can admit I would not have been so graciously supportive

I can see what the OP is driving at but on the other hand if a SAHM is looking after DCs as 'her job' and her DP/DH is out working all day then the natural way of refering what he does with the children when he gets home is 'helping'. It is not his main job, he is therefore helping. In other words, it is just a figure of speech.

DW and me work together and also split childcare equally so neither of us helps the other look after the children. We share.

Yanbu OP a man who is looking after his children is not "helping" or "babysitting"; he is fulfilling his responsibility as a parent.

MoreBeta I would disagree with that because when dp gets home, it is no longer a case of his job at work and mine at home with the dc, it is then 2 parents together looking after their children. So not helping.

When DS2 was 16 days old we all went to the Trafford Centre. I took DS1 too the lego thingy and DH stayed with the baby for a few hours so as to give me and DS1 time together.

He was astonished to be told several times that he was very good to be taking the baby out on his own and wasn't he wonderful. He said but he's my baby too.

I've been taking DD out and about in my local city shops for all her life whilst DP was off doing other things, either in a sling, or in a stroller, and I've never had any comments about it being good or surprising that I'm with her, they've talked to me about her in the common interested way that many people are with babies. But no-one has ever asked where the babies mother is or made a comment, maybe it's a regional thing?

petisa One thing I would say is that often the worker has no time off from their job during the day, but the SAHP does get some time to themselves, so it's not simply a case of it becoming 50/50 when they get home (of course it can equally go the other way with the worker getting time to themselves during lunch hours or similar) But I do think it can be important to give the person with the DC a break from the DC as quickly as possible as that's a different sort of stress.

However amoung both my male and female friends with children, or without I don't see much evidence that parenting is not a mutual activity, indeed I think some of the men with new babies try and be absolute martyrs (being up all day with the baby and up all night pointlessly hovering around unable to BF or do anything that the mother can't do.) But it does seem common on mumsnet, so I can only assume it's quite a regional/class thing?

Yeah it is regioal I think and most people both men and women say it here, but here most men and women both help equally and I live in a poor low waged area nobody ever comments about a man doing stuff with his kids and it is expected men get up in the night

Dh often picks the children up from their hobbies - we share the responsibility as far as possible and we have a 4yo at home. The children do various things and the taxi run is done 8times a week (4 days, there and back. I do 5 and dh does 3 - it just works easier that way ...)

My sister commented only the other day,how he was 'really good by helping me out with the taxi-ing'. Wtf?

I explained that he wasn't helping me out, he was simply taking a turn in picking his kids up.

She really wouldn't have it and we had to agree to disagree in the end

Argh, Yanbu

The babysitting your own kids.

YANBU, this makes my blood boil.

i totally agree

i get told that the ex is a great dad becasue he has ds once a week and overnight every other weekend and many feel i should be grateful for being so lucky, why he is he son as much as he is mine of course i am happy they have a great relationship but it is what i expect (well actually i expect more for ds) he is his parent not a friend helping out

LeQueen - which is it? You said on the previous page that you didn't expect your DH to come home and do 'your job', but that he did pitch in in emergencies.

Now you're saying he's 'hands on'. Retracting, much?

I'm not sure it's regional as LeQueen is in the Midlands and I'm in London. Suspect LeQueen and I are just happy with what our DH's do in one way or another. My DH worked 16 hours a day in the early years so the dc could have everything he didn't have as a child notwithstanding the fact that he's a workaholic and totally driven. It didn't mean he loved the children less, we just had a life that we were happy with and which others might not have been happy with. Funny how so many made snide comments about the rewards though.

I'm not suggesting anyone isn't happy with their own set-up...?

Just odd how it went from not expecting him to come home and lift a finger except in emergencies, to being 'hands-on'.

Rather a dramatic shift in the story, is all!

Bit sad for the children as well, seeing next to nothing of their Dads.

I totally agree, its one of my pet hates. My dh doesnt get to spend as much time as he would like with the kids due to his job. He had some leave due to him recently which he took so I could visit my nan for a week who was poorly and I could help out without the kids!
My mil was ringing him every night seeing how he was "coping" and my friends bless their hearts were dropping in asking if he needed dinner cooking or if he needed them to watch the kids while he had a little breather..... needless to say he was very insulted.