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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not attend team Christmas meal at work?

74 replies

SnowDin · 16/11/2011 13:21

So, I work in a small team of 6 within a large corporation.

Team boss has made a big fuss about organising a team lunch for Christmas.

It's only going to be a sort of long lunch hour within a normal working day.

However, the team decision was to go for set 3 course meal at local posh place.

Plus doing Secret Santa at the meal, this is going to set me back about £50.

And therein lies the problem. I really CANNOT afford to spend that amount of money on a quick lunch.

Which puts me in a very difficult situation.

Do I a) try and scrape the money together (from nowhere), or b) speak up about it which will mean that on the day in question, team will all troop off to lunch and I will be left in office on my own.

OP posts:

umadoopaloop · 16/11/2011 13:57

There's absolutely no WAY I would go in your position. £50+ for a lunch plus secret santa? I don't know how much you earn, but I think it's really fucking cheeky to assume everyone can/wants to pay that much for Christmas related events at work.

I would quietly explain to your boss that you cannot attend, and if pushed (which no doubt he will) I'd explain that the costs can't be justified out of your wages when you're supporting a family.

He'd have to be a right fucking prick to get arsey about that, surely?

WinterIsComing · 16/11/2011 13:59

I hated all this when I was working. I had an endowment mortgage when interest rates shot up in the nineties and I was single and brassic. Team -leader told me I HAD to attend and pay when I was living hand-to-mouth because, "it's good for team-building"

Don't say anything yet. Three DC? One or all of them will be ill on the day. It would happen if you were going out somewhere you actually wanted to go wouldn't it? Sod's law. Take advantage.

notcitrus · 16/11/2011 14:01

Tell the boss.
I've had staff in the same situation (meal about £20) and the first time I mentioned it to my boss who gave me £20 for the girl, and the next time I asked what would be affordable and slipped them a tenner to make up the difference - so you might want to think whether you'd accept that if it happened.

fishie · 16/11/2011 14:01

I'm just organising similar. We get a contrib from management and I've had requests from team to make it a cheap one. So I have and the management sub should cover all the food, it's up to everyone how much they spend on drink. It is not on to force you to pay for a work event.

muffinino82 · 16/11/2011 14:02

I don't go on Christmas meals because I can't afford them, am not that interested in spending even more time with the vast majority of my colleagues and am just not interested. Plus, if they're on a Friday evening or the weekends I have horses to see to so haven't the time. However, I work in the public sector so the pressure to join in will not have any effect on where I stand if I refuse to join in. The only thing you can do if you really can't go is explain that you have had those massive expenses and that you have three little ones on your own. Hence you can't afford it. Try to say it quite matter of fact and in a tone that suggests it will not change. Firm but polite.

Mind you, I'm fairly immune to the judgement of not joining in as I refuse to do Secret Santa, contribute to office decorations, birthday presents, baby presents, wedding presents, leaving presents etc. The only things I will contribute to are bereavment and charity collections.

Original poster

SnowDin · 16/11/2011 14:03

Unfortunately I am only too aware that boss is enough of a prick to get arsey about it, which is why I am worried.

He is likely to take the attitude that I am 'not committed' and 'not a team player'.

Even if he doesn't say it, I know that's the way he is and I am worried that it will sour relationships. Sigh....

OP posts:

muffinino82 · 16/11/2011 14:04

Don't say anything yet. Three DC? One or all of them will be ill on the day. It would happen if you were going out somewhere you actually wanted to go wouldn't it? Sod's law. Take advantage.

I like this idea

bonkersLFDT20 · 16/11/2011 14:06

Are the other people in your team a bit thick?

Would they really not understand the difference in financial priorities when you are single income with three children and they are duel income with no kids? I don't think I'd want to spend my time, let alone my money with people who can't see out of the bubble of their own worlds.

Original poster

SnowDin · 16/11/2011 14:10

Unfortunately bokers, yes they are a bit thick on this

As the only part-time worker, I am already a bit of an outsider really.

This issue is just going to set me further apart in unspoken sort of way.

OP posts:

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 16/11/2011 14:11

I think marge2 and NatashaBee have the right idea, just come across that it's no big deal but you're sorry it's a bit expensive when you've got your 3 kids etc. to think of at Christmas ...
I'm not going to our school XMas do either as it's expensive for me when I only work P/T hours. I'm sure they won't miss me - equally if I did go I'm sure it would be pleasant enough. Not that bothered either way really !

Original poster

SnowDin · 16/11/2011 14:42

The extra issue is that the team actually went out of their way to ensure that the meal was planned for a day that I would be there because my boss made such a big deal out of the fact that he wanted all the team there.

Oh dear.

OP posts:

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 16/11/2011 14:48

They're really not treating you very fairly on this. If boss wants everyone to be there he should make sure everyone can afford it,

Ideally by paying for it, or increasing your wage so you can !
Failing that choosing a cheaper option and checking with everyone first

Don't sweat the small stuff !
It's their/his problem.

Don't make it more of a big deal than it has to be.
It's just poor management and poor people skills/ team building.

ExitPursuedByaBear · 16/11/2011 14:49

I hate these things. Mind you, your set meal sounds better than the one my team organised a couple of years ago in a City centre hotel. It was £10 a head ffs.

Fortunatley my team now is based about 200 miles away from me so I always have a great excuse not to go.

Just tell them you can't afford it. Maybe they will pay for you? If you are the only part timer and on a lower wage? Just a thought.

oranges · 16/11/2011 14:51

I'd somehow bite the bullet and go - it seems that its an investment in your career. Its wrong, but there doesn't seem to be much you can do.

AngelofTheLordiscomingDown · 16/11/2011 14:51

Yes, tell the boss that you cannot afford it and offer to man the phones. Let the others go off to lunch feeling guilty that they have gone and you haven't.

I'm not on their side, I agree that you should not be made to pay the £50 but they will feel guilty.

bonkersLFDT20 · 16/11/2011 15:02

Why did you not say anything sooner? Most people know a meal at this time of year is going to be at least £30, so while this is on the expensive side it's not ridiculous.

Since they went out of their way to make sure you were there it does seem a bit off to then not go.

Maybe have a quiet word with your boss and suggest that he run the choice of venue by everyone (not just for cost reasons, but for choice of food) next year and put this one down to experience.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 16/11/2011 15:04

you should have said too expensive as soon as you knew the cost, but if you really can't afford it you need to say quickly. choice 1 is suck it up and go choice 2 is tell them its too much sorry, and accept being a bit of an outsider, offer to just do the secret santa

squeakytoy · 16/11/2011 15:06

I have never known a company organise a christmas meal and expect people to go if they are having to pay for it. The company should be paying for it.

If you cant afford to go, dont go. They cant sack you for it.

Original poster

SnowDin · 16/11/2011 15:08

The problem is, this was planned so long ago I couldn't have known that I would not be able to afford it by the time it came round.

I always thought it was a bit on the expensive side, but kept quiet about it up until those 2 unexpected bills that have cropped up and pushed our finances over the edge.

OP posts:

bonkersLFDT20 · 16/11/2011 15:11

Ah right. So at the time of booking you were fine with it, and now (due to circumstances) you're not?

All you can do is explain the situation to your boss and let him/her explain to the others in a manner I hope he/she is trained in.

catgirl1976 · 16/11/2011 15:12

That's mean - at my work the managers take the teams out for lunch and each manager pays for their own team - not the team members. This year its going to cost me about £200, plus I will by my team presents on top, but the team have worked hard all year to support me so I don't begrudge it.

I think you should speak up. £50 is a lot for a lunch - maybe the rest of the team feel the same but no one wants to be the one to speak up

WarrantOfficerRipley · 16/11/2011 15:18

While I can sort of see that it may be useful for you to go seeing as you already feel a bit on the outside as you say, but personal or financial or reasons for not wanting to do something would always come first with me.

I was once supposed to go to a team building meal where everyone was supposed be bringing their partners. Mine was out of the country. I just said "sorry I can't make it but you all have a lovely time!" Someone even patronisingly said to me that I could bring a friend. I just replied that seeing as it was my team that I work with every day .. I did not feel the need to bring a friend. No further reasons given.

Also made it very clear that would not be going on the team building "golfing" event (have never played in my life) but had no problem with them going ahead with it. They changed it to bowling instead. Did not feel that my putting my foot down about what I was prepared to do hurt my standing in the team at all - I always went on plenty of other day to day lunches and social events.

squeakytoy · 16/11/2011 15:19

Hmmm... if you have known about it for quite a while, then saving a fiver a week may have been the sensible option, and perhaps the team boss should have arranged for people to pay into a savings fund towards it. Having said that, if you cant afford it, you cant afford it. Just be honest.

£40 (allowing for a £10 of secret santa) is a heck of a lot for a lunch though. Is it a set meal, or are there cheaper options?

SootySweepandSue · 16/11/2011 15:20

I do think you need to speak up. If the others are well off they have probably not even considered the cost of it or the impact on you. It's hard being the odd one out. I would even joke with your boss and say 'look I'd love to come to this meal but if I do then we won't be eating ourselves on Xmas day!'. If he is a total arse just call in sick. I've missed many a Xmas do cos I just couldn't be arsed as I hated my job, even when it was all paid for it was just too painful. Why not suggest you just get in a box of mince pies instead of Secret Santa?

This reminds me of when my office did cake club. I was feeling poorly so couldn't bake so I stupidly went to M&S and spent £20 on cakes to bring in. Not 1 bugger ate them!!!! I had to live off cake for dinner each night for the next week as I couldn't stand to chuck them. Didn't bother next time.

squishysquashy · 16/11/2011 15:41

Would he take it better if you 'threw yourself on his mercy'? As in I really want to come but I've had some unexpected bills, I haven't got the money, so embarrassing I don't want to say anything to my colleagues, could you lend me the money and I can pay you back after xmas. He might offer to pay for you or then let you off easier. He'd be turning your request down rather than the other way round.

Not very professional but just a thought.

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