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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed with my friend for medicating my son without permission?

44 replies

shootfromthehip · 16/11/2011 11:23

Ok, I have several issues really, but first some context...
My friend was looking after my kids for me to go to work. No2 child had a cough, a rather sporadic but bad cough. I asked her if she would still have him or if she wanted me to take the day off? She said that her son had a cough too and so she was fine to have him. When I picked my kids up that night, No1 child tells me that she had been given calpol (she was not ill) because she wasn't feeling well (she is a wee actress). I then say that I am suprised that my firend didn't tell me this. DD then says 'but at least I didn't have a shot on the puffer'.

My friend's son has asthma and when my DS started to cough, she let him have a puff of her son's inhaler. And she didn't tell me. DS also has a history of allergic reactions to medicine and so I was understandably furious. When I spoke to my friend, she said that it wasn't a big deal as all it does is open the airways and she lets her other children use it when they have a cough.

I was angry that a) she gave DD calpol that she didn't need, b) she medicated my son with medicine that he wasn't prescribed c) she didn't tell me about either and d) she thinks that she hasn't done anything wrong.

AIBU? If not, what do I do about it as she is now not talking to me at all. Understandably I have made other childcare arrangements (after my tears on my part/ working mum guilt etc). Your thoughts' please...

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 16/11/2011 11:29

Well it's done now. Alls well that ends well

Take time off next time and don't take chances

tigermoll · 16/11/2011 11:31

Hmmm, that's a tricky one....I don't think a spoonful of calpol is that bad, espec if 'everyone else was having it'. Calpol is yummy stuff (I will have a swig if its going) and its trickier to say 'you're not ill, stop putting it on' to someone else's child. It is unlikely to do any harm.

However, giving a non-asthmatic child with a history of reactions to medication a puff on an inhaler is slightly more serious, IMO. Your friend doesnt think so, but I think that maybe you could have a word with her, explain the situation and ask her not to do it again.

Kladdkaka · 16/11/2011 11:33

There was a kid in my class at primary school who had asthma. We used to take it in turns having a go on his puffer at playtime. We're all still alive.

elliejjtiny · 16/11/2011 11:34

I would have been furious too. For all she knew you could have given your dd calpol already. As for the puffer, my dh can't take ventolin because it gives him a headache so he has a different inhaler instead. It wouldn't help someone who wasn't asthmatic anyway. Not sure what you can do though, especially if she thinks she's done nothing wrong.

shumway · 16/11/2011 11:34

YANBU

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/11/2011 11:34

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I'd be cross too. Especially since you didn't exactly dump your son - she knew he had a cough, etc. She actually medicated both your children, then? DD told her she wasn't feeling well so she gave Calpol, and your son the puffer?

I don't know much about the actual medications, but it's surely common sense to call a parent and ask permission to give any sort of medicine, and she didn't.

So, you've already organised other childcare for the future. Try not to feel guilty, this isn't about you being a working mother since you would have taken the day off if she hadn't reassured you. I think leave the issue and sit on it for a bit - it would be a shame to fall out forever over, but you don't want to just tell her it was fine, because it's not.

Er, that's not helpful, is it? Sorry!

Birdsgottafly · 16/11/2011 11:36

You answered the question as to why childminders have to go through a registration and training process.

If she is of that mindset there's little that you can do about it, except not trust her with your children.

She is being very stupid as your DS might have had a chest infection, which she has now given to her asthmatic DS., which is why childminders have knowlege of cross contamination.

However perhaps you over reacted to the actual situation because of the way you are feeling about working?

DaisySteiner · 16/11/2011 11:36

I think you're overreacting a wee bit tbh. No harm was done and she was doing you a huge favour by looking after them. I'm not surprised she's a bit pissed off if you had a go at her.

ragged · 16/11/2011 11:37

yabu about the calpol, yanbu about the inhaler puff.

I'd be a bit worried that your friend doesn't understand how to use the inhaler properly, it shouldn't be used casually by anybody.
Still, I don't think it's worth falling out over.
Just ask her if she minds them again (thinking long term, like playdates, she will have your kids again some time) to only give something after getting your okay first, only exception in emergency.

Original poster

shootfromthehip · 16/11/2011 11:47

All's well that end's well is fine when it does end well but if something horrible had happened, she could have been in real trouble. I think that's the bit I don't get- we all make judgement calls that seem ok at the time and then when someone else looks at it they see if differently. I am annoyed at her defiance- I'm the one with the problem as she thinks it's ok. And she can't see that it was not her call to make.

And whilst it's ok to say- take the day off and don't take chances- asking her to call me if he wasn't well and I'd come home and, just to give him water if he started coughing as the worst that could happen would be that he was sick, didn't feel like much of a 'chance': it felt like a simple instruction- and that also ranckles.

OP posts:

Original poster

shootfromthehip · 16/11/2011 11:50

May I add- I was paying her to look after them (we live in a rural area with two childminders both of whom are full) as it was an inset day from school. I do have a childminder who looks after them normally but can't do the inset days. I may be a bit touchy- have only recently gone back to work and am still anxious that I can't be there all the time the way that I have in the past. Just never saw this coming tbh.

OP posts:

Esta3GG · 16/11/2011 11:50

She was an idiot to give your child an asthma drug.
How dim are some people?
The fact that she is no longer speaking to you is a blessing - who wants numpties like that in their life?

Proudnscary · 16/11/2011 11:51

I love the 'I was understandably very angry'! So, uh you don't really want any other opinions do you? You know you are not being unreasonable.

I don't have asthma and used to toke on my friend's inhaler like a good'un. I am alive to tell the tale. You sound a little uptight.

RumourOfAHurricane · 16/11/2011 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

shootfromthehip · 16/11/2011 11:59

Ah, a fair point PnS, the language I've used doesn't leave much for alternative points of view there! Am not uptight about most things but, as DS was seriously ill when tiny and has had really bad reactions to things in the past, I probably am very over protective about him being medicated. Think my actual problem though, if I'm really honest, if the sense of indignity that I've been left with. DS is fine, no worries there,however my friendship/ feelings have been hurt by her refusal to see my pov. And now I'm angry that she's not talking to me.

OP posts:

MollyintheMoon · 16/11/2011 12:09

YANBU to want to monitor your children's medication.

It is U to fall out over it though. She thought she was helping your ds and so is perhaps embarrassed which is why she's not talking to you.

If you want to remain friends I would apologise for overreacting and explain you just feel very uneasy about medication after your DS's allergic reaction.

Original poster

shootfromthehip · 16/11/2011 12:12

Don't want to lose the friendship over it- said that to her at the time. Also have a night out with her on Sat that's going to be rather awkward i she's still not talking to me. Did approach her last week to sort it out and she snubbed me. Not sure I want to apologise for my pov but equally, may need to eat some humble pie and make another attempt?

OP posts:

ragged · 16/11/2011 12:15

Perhaps apologise for the strength of your reaction, tell her you value the friendship & want to put the incident behind you both. If she's a friend worth having she should accept that (maybe later rather than sooner, though).

Down the line you can maybe explain how scarey it was when your DS was ill as a baby & that's why you went a bit mental. I think the situation sounds too raw for her to taken that it in right now, though.

Original poster

shootfromthehip · 16/11/2011 12:20

Good advice all. The pedants amoungst you will appreciate that she said 'I'm sorry you feel that way' rather than apologising directly about the whole thing. Undoubedly I've upset her or she wouldn't have the hump. Och well, you live and learn don't you? Need to give her a ring.

OP posts:

MollyintheMoon · 16/11/2011 12:24

You're not apologising for your pov. She is upset because you criticised her ability to look after children. You say you're sorry for upsetting her, whether you are or not.

Don't worry about your pov, I'm sure she will have got that message.

Original poster

shootfromthehip · 16/11/2011 12:34

meh- amongst!!! not amoungst. Anyway, thanks for your help all.

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 16/11/2011 12:38

Shoot - Just give her a bell and say everything you've said here about feeling overprotective. I'm sorry you had a scary time when your ds was seriously ill - I'm sure it does have a huge impact on your parenting.

SmellslikeDEMONcatspee · 16/11/2011 13:02

I'm going to disagree with most of the thread here I think.
I think your friend was being at best a prat at worst a danger

As for all of you who went oh its fine I used to take my friends/brother/etc inhaler well you're all lucky, this is a prescribed medication for a reason!
All of the people prescribed this medication will have had their chest listened to not only to listen to their breathing but also to check for cardiac arrhythmias. This is because a sudden dose of Salbutamol the drug in Ventolin can turn benign cardiac arrhythmia in to a life threatening one.

As for the Calpol, again even though this is available over the counter it is a drug. Do you really want any child to have that casual attitude to any drug???

I?d be fucking furious if someone did this to my cat never mind a child!!

GreyTS · 16/11/2011 13:17

" smells like" totally agree, can't quite believe the opinions on this thread. Perhaps I am a bit ott about these things but i have suffered a severe allergic reaction after taking a friends painkillers, would never take the risk with someone else's child especially one with a history of reactions to medication.

ChunkyPickle · 16/11/2011 13:25

I was ready to be meh on this, but having read I think she's being very cavalier with medication and this is dangerous.

apart from spreading infection with the inhaler, she really shouldn't be handing around prescription asthma medication as it's potentially dangerous to do so.

I'd also be annoyed at the Calpol - it's paracetamol, for pain/fever so it's not going to do any good for 'feeling a bit ill' even if your dd really was sick. I don't think that it's a good precedent to set to dose up for no reason.

YANBU.

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