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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend is ignorant and odd for not visiting mutual friend and her new baby?

44 replies

MistyMountainHop · 16/11/2011 10:18

My best friend had a baby about a month ago

there is a group of 4 of us and we are all "best friends" (at the risk of sounding teenagery Hmm ) ie we socialise together often and see / phone eachother very regularly, known eachother for years etc

when BF's baby was born i went round with presents, card, flowers etc, as naturally, couldn't wait to see the new arrival. as did 2 other friends from our "group" and obviously all bf's and her H's other friends and family

however, there is still one of the group who hasn't been to see my BF's new baby. my BF is very hurt by this especially as this friend only lives round the corner, literally a 1 minute walk away. there is no reason why she couldn't have popped round

i know some people aren't interested in babies (and this friend is definitely one of those people, she's a "career girl" who doesn't have or want DC) but surely its just politeness to go and see a good friend when she has had a baby?

i dunno, AIBU? its just so weird Confused

OP posts:
LePruneDeMaTante · 16/11/2011 10:20

Weird enough that there's something up that you don't know about.
I would be really hurt too.

redlac · 16/11/2011 10:23

maybe she is having fertility problems that you don't know about, maybe she feels uncomfortable around babies, not every drops everything to go and visit a newborn

have you asked her why she hasn't been round?

TroublesomeEx · 16/11/2011 10:24

Ask her?

PenguinsAreThePoint · 16/11/2011 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/11/2011 10:26

Has she been invited? Maybe she's heard people saying what a pain visitors soon after a birth are and doesn't know when would be the best time to go - it can't be very easy being the only one of you without children, she won't want to get it wrong.

If she's been invited round, and she's making excuses, I doubt she's 'ignorant and odd' (strange choice of words - not quite sure what you're getting at?), I would think she's upset or something.

banana87 · 16/11/2011 10:27

Has she been invited round? Maybe she doesn't want to invite herself?

babybythesea · 16/11/2011 10:28

Is a bit weird. If she only lives round the corner, and you normally see a lot of each other, it's odd that she hasn't been round to see her friend, even without the baby. And as the other friend, I would have wanted a bit of adult company after spending so much time adjusting to a newborn.
Talk gently to her and see if you can find out what's wrong, and if nothing is wrong and she just isn't interested in the baby, you might need to point out that the baby isn't in the house alone and the new Mum may appreciate a coffee and a chat with a mate.

2rebecca · 16/11/2011 10:28

Ignorant is the wrong word here, rude is the opposite of polite, not ignorant. She is being insensitive and possibly rude, although she maybe thinks your friend will be inundated with visitors for the first month. If they are really best friends" then I would have thought the one with the baby could just phone her friend and say she misses her and arrange to meet up for a chat.
You are all sounding very judgemental of someone who is supposed to be a friend though. I suspect if I were you I'd phone the absent friend myself and tell her that new baby friend was upset she hadn't called and suggest she popped in for a chat with her even if she finds all the new baby cooing stuff a bit tedious and misses the non baby orientated conversations.

vix1980 · 16/11/2011 10:29

I was in your friends shoes a while ago,1 of my group of friends had a baby and i couldnt bring myself to go round to visit, none of them knew id had a miscarriage the weekend the baby was born. They obviously do now so understand why but were very harsh to me at the time, which kind of made me tell them just to shut them up.

Just cos shes your good friend doesn't mean you know everything about her, and even more reason not to judge her without knowing all the facts.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 16/11/2011 10:29

I would ask her why she hasn't been or when she is planning to go as your friend with baby is a little upset she hasn't been.

She doesn't have to like children to see your BF.

I have a friend whose child I dislike Shock, but I still see her and our children play together and I buy him birthday gifts - it's not about what she does / doesn't like, it's basic friendship manners!

But like redlac and penguins said, there might be something you don't know about?

Def ask though. How rude!

BlueFergie · 16/11/2011 10:31

If this happened in my group I would tip the friend off that her not visiting has upset X, and suggest she go around ASAP. I would assume there is a reason that she is not sharing (my money is on fertility issues) so I wouldn't ask why she hasn't just recommend that she should. if she wants to talk then she might tell you whats going on.
IME it is quite common for people having trouble conceiving to say they don't wsnt to kids, it reduces the number of comments in the 'your next' ilk which can be upsetting.

Chandeleria · 16/11/2011 10:31

Are you sure she isn't interested in babies?

When I was struggling with infertility I found that 'not interested in babies, I have a career' was a very good mask to hide behind even when I was taking time off to secretly go to the fertility clinic. Even if you are very good friends don't assume you would/wouldn't know. I kept things from even my closest friend because it was just too hard.

GoForthAndSwivel · 16/11/2011 10:31

Why don't you phone up this mutual friend and say 'i'm off to visit BF and the new arrival at X time, do you want to come?' and see what her reaction would be.

There may be more to it than the eye can see. If she isn't interested, don't push her just be polite.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/11/2011 10:35

vix, that's awful. Sorry to hear that. Sad

dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2011 10:41

When my friends first started having babies, and I was not at all a baby person, I didn't go round to see them for ages, simply because I assumed they would be busy and recovering and wouldn't want to be bothered. Obviously in retrospect I feel bad about this, but I simply didn't know any better!

I agree that there may also be reasons you don't know about. It may not be fertility issues, perhaps she has had a termination recently? Perhaps her family background is not good and she can't really deal with 'happy families'. It could be anything.

EnjoyResponsibly · 16/11/2011 10:56

Can you not stand back a bit and perhaps see that she just isn't interested in babies. That doesn't make her rude, just not sharing the same particular interest as your other friends. If she's not interested she probably doesn't even realise she's slighted your new-mum friend.

I think your friend with the new-born is being a bit precious (her right), and you're being all precious and over-protective on her part.

If you were a real friend, you would PHONE your child-free friend and try to ascertain what's up before you leap to conclusions. And incidentally new mums can use phones too Wink

youtalkintome · 16/11/2011 11:39

A good friend of mine was really horrible to me after the birth of dd. I didn't know it at the time but she had just had a MC, she too used to say she never wanted children, perhaps this could be the reason?

samandi · 16/11/2011 12:15

It's odd (and yes, a bit rude) if she only lives round the corner and you often get together anyway. Perhaps your friend should invite her?

Not everyone "naturally" wants to go and gush over a newborn, or realise that it's expected. I didn't see my sister's for weeks or months, though probably would've been sooner if I'd lived nearby.

muffinino82 · 16/11/2011 12:25

I think it's a possibility that she has fertility issues/has had problems such as miscarriage that makes it painful for her to see a newborn.

I also think it's a possibility that she dislikes babies/children, as well as the chance that she thinks she may be disturbing her friend at a tiring time if she hasn't been invited.

I would suggest that you mention to her that you have been round and that your mutual friend has had vistors. That way you're not pushing her to go and see if she feels she cannot and you're letting her now that mutual friend is having visitors if she's unsure.

I do think it's off for people to assume that most people who says they don't want children actually have a longing for one. Some people just do not want children, simple as.

clare458 · 16/11/2011 13:00

I have 2 very close friends, one with children and one without. They live about 16 miles away from me but the two of them live a bit closer, if that makes sense.
The friend with no dc has never rushed over when I've had a baby particularly with my last. I do think she's busy working and possibly struggling to conceive herself. I always make a point of inviting her round and joking that I've started to forget what she looks like. When she does visit it's great.
Your friend should ring her or text her and invite her over. If she ignores that then there is an issue.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 16/11/2011 20:16

thanks for all the feedback

fwiw i very much doubt its because she wants DC and is struggling conceive, i believe her when she says she doesn't want them, really, she is the least child-friendly person i have ever known :o and as muffin says, some people just genuinely do not want DC

and vix i am so sorry :( x

OP posts:
ViviPru · 16/11/2011 20:20

hmm... I suspect most of my friends (even my closest, most treasured ones) would say that about me too. Not a living soul apart from a few kind, faceless MNetters have the vaguest inkling about my situation with regard TTC.

Just saying you can never be too sure, OP.

Although I would not allow it to interfere with my role as a friend and all-round nice person when it comes to sharing in the joy of a friends' newborn.

Towndon · 16/11/2011 20:25

YABU. It's none of your business and she may well have good reasons about which you know nothing. You may be a group of good friends but you are all entitled to your own private lives. She probably trusts you to choose to think the best of her even when you don't know every personal detail of her life.

IneedAbetterNickname · 16/11/2011 20:25

When my DS2 was born, I didn't hear from, or see, my cousin for months. We had previously been close. She was always 'training in' to my town, to buy things for my DS1. I text her, called her, etc etc, she kept making excuses. Then I found out that the week before DS2 was born, her and her DH had been told they would never conceive again, even with IVF, and that their DD was a miracle! I felt so :( for her, and completly understood why she hadn't been able to congratulate/visit me!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 16/11/2011 20:27

YABU, you have no idea what is going on in her life, even if she is one of your bestest best friends. She's bound to have a reason.

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