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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friend is ignorant and odd for not visiting mutual friend and her new baby?

44 replies

MistyMountainHop · 16/11/2011 10:18

My best friend had a baby about a month ago

there is a group of 4 of us and we are all "best friends" (at the risk of sounding teenagery ) ie we socialise together often and see / phone eachother very regularly, known eachother for years etc

when BF's baby was born i went round with presents, card, flowers etc, as naturally, couldn't wait to see the new arrival. as did 2 other friends from our "group" and obviously all bf's and her H's other friends and family

however, there is still one of the group who hasn't been to see my BF's new baby. my BF is very hurt by this especially as this friend only lives round the corner, literally a 1 minute walk away. there is no reason why she couldn't have popped round

i know some people aren't interested in babies (and this friend is definitely one of those people, she's a "career girl" who doesn't have or want DC) but surely its just politeness to go and see a good friend when she has had a baby?

i dunno, AIBU? its just so weird

OP posts:

AKMD · 16/11/2011 20:31

YABU, she's probably thinking how great a friend she is for keeping away at the very beginning when the mum is exhausted and doesn't want visitors. It would be nice of you to say that they are up for visitors.

MooncupGoddess · 16/11/2011 20:32

Hmm - maybe she is a bit freaked out by the baby thing? Or convinced that your new mother friend will be insanely dull and have her tits out all the time?

Suggest your new mother friend texts the other friend with something along the lines of, 'It would be great to catch up, I promise not to talk about the baby all the time.'

Pippaandpolly · 16/11/2011 20:37

My step-sister has always said she 'hates' babies, has no interest in having children, gets really irritated by crying babies in public - if she doesn't want children I have no issue with that at all but to be honest she is pretty immature in the way she expresses this in my opinion. (Who 'hates' all babies!?) It has always been a bit of an in joke in the family, like 'uh oh, there's a baby, don't let step-sister hear it!' in a good natured way that she and I have both laughed at.

I had DD 8 weeks ago and I haven't even had a text, let alone a call, card or visit. We are really close and consider each other 'real' sisters - we're nearly 30 now so have been family for almost 20 years. I am so gutted, I can't even bring myself to ring her and ask what she's playing at. You'd think even if you 'hate' babies you'd take an interest in your NIECE.

Sorry, that's a rant. But I understand why your friend is upset!

spookygarlic · 16/11/2011 20:38

Maybe she does want children and has been unable to have them, or maybe she's had a recent pregnancy loss and can't face it. She might need your support not your judgement.

Pippaandpolly · 16/11/2011 20:40

Spookygarlic is that to me or the OP? If me that's definitely not the case. And I'm not judging her - as I said, if she wants children or not that's entirely up to her.

batteryhen · 16/11/2011 20:43

My friend is due next month - 2 weeks before I would have been due but I had a MMC at 12 weeks. I didn't tell her I was pregnant as I didn't want her upset if anything happened to my pregnancy ( have miscarried 3 times). I will really struggle to go and see her and her new born, but I will go. I think maybe your friend is not telling you something? maybe a quick text or visit from you might help xx

Or - she could be completely un-interested...... you will have to ask!

Towndon · 16/11/2011 20:45

Agree that she might be waiting for new mum to invite her, rather than joining in with the general overcrowding.

spartafc · 16/11/2011 20:47

Is a month really that long? Especially if your friend has had so many visitors "2 other friends from our "group" and obviously all bf's and her H's other friends and family" . Maybe Career Woman Mate is just giving New Mum Mate a bit of space? And, I'm another one who would have been labelled the 'one least likely to have a baby'. I didn't let on that I'd actually been trying to conceive throughout my 4 best friends' various pregnancies and new arrivals. Sometimes it is so much easier to pretend you're not bothered (and maybe go too far and actually avoid meeting new babies until you feel up to it) than face up to your feelings.

FoxyRoxy · 16/11/2011 20:57

We have been ttc dc2 for 2+ years. Anyone that asks, even family and close friends get the "not right now/ not sure if we want another/ ds is older now and we get more freedom" etc etc line.

My friend had a baby and I didn't see him until he was 6 days old as I had to build up the courage to be happy and jolly around my friend and her DH. I cried all the way home.

You never know what might be going on in someone's head.

Also a very valid point is that she might not have any idea of recover time or whether she's even wanted around! It takes 2 seconds for your new mum friend to write her a text inviting her for a coffee and to meet new bubba. If she then makes a multitude of excuses maybe let her know that new mum friend is upset that she hasn't seen her.

slimyak · 16/11/2011 20:59

In our group of 6 friends, 2 of us now have children. 2 are not remotely interested and the other 2 will pop round for a coffee or meet up and are happy for kids to be in tow.

From my experience anyone who avoids a new mum isn't necessarily having problems trying to conceive. In my case it's just these people don't have a child friendly lifestyle and have no need to change that. I have always still been invited on the usual social gatherings and myself and the other mum have sometimes had a moan to each other about others not understanding, but there again why should they.

Life moves on in different ways for different people. It's a bit sad to say but I think that when you become a mum your priorities change and your social life changes with it, some of your old friends will come with you in those changes and some won't, but you'll meet other like minded people on the way.

I don't think YABU and your friend will be upset, but I think these are some of the changes that happen. It is hard being the first to have kids in your social circle, you find out who your real friends are, especially if everyone isn't doing the settling down thing at the same time.

FannyBazaar · 16/11/2011 21:02

Maybe she's just worried she will be expected to hold the baby, worried it will puke on her. Maybe she doesn't know what to say. If you're not a fan of babies, it can be quite hard to make small talk and say 'isn't he/she just gorgeous' when you don't really think so. Offer to go with her so she isn't feeling the odd one out not knowing what to say or do.

LoveBeingAFirework · 16/11/2011 21:14

My high flying career friend cane to see dd and recently ds after they were born. She's not into babies/children but makes a real effort, holds the babies, talks to the children brings thoughtful gifts for the babies and me.

Could she be waiting to be invited? I do.

SootySweepandSue · 16/11/2011 21:19

Maybe she's had terminations. I knew someone who was similarly career focused and disliked kids. She had had 3 terminations and was generally avoidant in any situations especially with babies which she just thought were yucky.

Also agree a month is not long. Most of my friends arrived at 6 weeks plus and most were invited.

daveywarbeck · 16/11/2011 21:21

Has she actually been invited? So many magazine and newspaper articles witter on about how new mother and baby are like the holy of holys and must not be disturbed for about five years, the childless friend may be under the mistaken impression this is true.

I wouldn't count "can't wait to show you newborn" or similar by FB/text as an invitation, btw.

spookygarlic · 16/11/2011 21:21

Pippaandpolly, to the OP

wildfig · 16/11/2011 21:36

I always wait to be asked. When you don't have kids yourself, you have absolutely no idea when's a good/bad time, and you don't want to get in the way, or intrude on private family bonding or make the friend feel she has to be sociable while coping with general exhaustion.

wildfig · 16/11/2011 21:43

By 'you' I mean me, obv - am not speaking for all people without kids, plenty of whom will know exactly when's the right time to pop round!

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 16/11/2011 21:47

what has ignorant got to do with any of this? ignorance means lack of knowledge.

MrsPennySworth · 16/11/2011 22:06

Why don't you just ring your friend (the one who hasn't visited the friend who has had a baby) for a general chit chat and just drop into the conversation "sooo how comes you haven't been to see other friends baby yet? Were you waiting for her to invite you round first or have you been busy?" in a general chit chatty way.

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