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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you ask someone can they change plans that were already made

45 replies

fluffystabby · 16/11/2011 07:55

And ask "if that's OK with you"

Is it unreasonable for the other person to say "Actually that's not OK it doesn't suit me can we stick to the original plan"?

OP posts:
Tortington · 16/11/2011 07:57

no. too impolite - correct but not cricket.

you could say ' oh i can't unfortunately becuase a,b,c

CailinDana · 16/11/2011 07:58

Depends on the relationship. I would say that to my close friends but be less direct with others.

Proudnscary · 16/11/2011 08:00

Absolutely no need to be that arsey. As Custardo said just say 'oh no can't do that date/time, sorry! can only do blah'.

Original poster
fluffystabby · 16/11/2011 08:14

it was the ex.

Changing drop off times.

He was to be at mine for between 5 and 6

DD2 had forgotten something, she asked me to phone him to get him to bring it (trainers for PE - she has 3 pairs of trainers that fit and they are ALL at his but that's another thread)

I phone him, at 5.18 by my computer clock, and say "Good got you before you left, DD2 says can you bring a pair of trainers for her"

"Actually I won't be at yours until about 6.30-7pm if that's OK"

Me - "No actually it's not I have to scoot out about 6.30 so that doesn't suit me could we"

And he cut right across me didn't let me finish and said

"Look I'm on another call on my mobile here I don't have time to talk to you I'll be at yours at 6.30"

And put the farking phone down.

So what the actual JEFF is the point of saying "I'll be there at x o'clock if that's ok if I can't say "no actually that's not OK can we stick to the original plan"

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ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 16/11/2011 08:18

He sounds really rude and awkward! Text him and say that is NOT ok! Is it some vain attempt to feel "in control" of you by messing up your plans and making you fit in with his? I'd be really pissed off.

PigletJohn · 16/11/2011 08:31

This sounds to me like a not-on-good-terms thing.

Too late now, unless you text him, but another response would be "Oh, what a shame!" (fake sincerity) "I would have tried to help you with your problem but unfortunately I made other plans based on what we agreed before! Such a pity!"

sneaking in the ownership of the problem bit will make you feel better.

If you want to be even nastier, you can say "I'm so sorry to hear you've got a problem. What are you planning to do about this problem of yours?" when people try to turn it into your problem.

Original poster
fluffystabby · 16/11/2011 08:48

He just believes he's much more important than anyone else and the world should change their plans to accommodate him.

But it pissed me off last night - we didn't have massive plans or anything that I couldn't change, but I'd offered to go to his to pick the stuff up, he said no he would drop it down.

I actually was going to offer to go up and lift it (a 14 mile round trip btw) to save any hassle but he didn't even let me get that far.

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Original poster
fluffystabby · 16/11/2011 08:51

And you have to understand.

He's not controlling.

I'm not flexible enough.

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Original poster
fluffystabby · 16/11/2011 09:19

BTW he picked to be at mine between 5 and 6 - I texted him and said "DDs need xyz can I call up and collect them" And he texted back "no I will drop to yours between 5 and 6"

So it's not as if I picked between 5 and 6 in the first place, it was his bloody choice of time

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Familydilemma · 16/11/2011 09:24

Different here to social plans made with a friend. You're in a child care sharing arrangement and should expect it to be stuck to. So of course you can say that it doesn't suit you. I had an issue with a childminder changing plans and times "if it was okay with me". She wasn't doing me a favour or meeting for a coffee, this was a business arrangement, so no it wasn't okay every time. Obviously, in childcare arrangements there is room and need for flexibility, but only if it cuts both ways and is not just to suit one of you.

Original poster
fluffystabby · 16/11/2011 09:31

Family that's it - the issue was stuff of the kids he should've sent to school with them on Monday morning and didn't. So, mistake between him and the kids, nothing to do with me (he has them on a Sunday night as I leave very early for uni on a Monday morning).

Hence the text.

I was, I will admit, mildly annoyed when I texted him and said "can I call up and collect the stuff" and he said no, he'd be at mine between 5 and 6.

What if between 5 and 6 didn't suit me? Where was the if it suits you fluffy, if that's ok with you?

He just honestly and firmly believes that I should suit him and his timings and not the other way around and it is pissing me off

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Original poster
fluffystabby · 16/11/2011 09:33

And I was expecting him to say, when I said I'd call up and lift the stuff (since I WAS DOING HIM THE FUCKING FAVOUR OF LIFTING THE STUFF AND IT WASN'T MY MISTAKE IN THE FIRST PLACE) - I was expecting him to give me a time that suited him for me to call up - that's what would normally have happened.

For some reason he didnt' want me up there yesterday Confused

he must have a new woman Grin

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Original poster
fluffystabby · 16/11/2011 09:36

AND

When he dropped the stuff down he said "what's wrong with your face" and I said "it's a pain when you're late and don't stick to the arrangements you made it messes up my evening" (in a pissed off tone, I'll admit)

And his reply was that I should count myself lucky that he was dropping the stuff down and I wasn't having to come up for it.

Very aggressively and nastily.

And turned his back and got into his car and drove away.

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PigletJohn · 16/11/2011 09:45

fluffystabby "he must have a new woman"

No, he'd be more cheerful.

2rebecca · 16/11/2011 09:46

So he's not dropping off kids just stuff they forgot to pack? Can you not agree for a neighbour to collect the stuff or for him to drop it somewhere (my large blue paper only wheely bin is often used for this sort of purpose.)
He is going out of his way to drop stuff off. It sounds as though your kids have too many pairs of trainers if they can leave 3 at his place. How old are they?
If they regularly leave stuff at his place it sounds as though you need to agree between you all how to deal with this.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 16/11/2011 09:47

What a dick, aren't you glad you left him? In future, if he pulls stunts like this, just go out if he's late, or don't let him in if he's early. Text him if necessary but treat him like a mildly annoying toddler - polite indifference while standing your ground is the way to deal with this sort of behaviour.

Original poster
fluffystabby · 16/11/2011 12:14

2rebecca - kids are 13 and 9. He forgot to lift the bag of stuff the kids left at the front door and leave it to mine in the morning as he had originally agreed, hence me texting to ask could I come and lift it, so the kids had done their end of the agreement. it was his fault. he forgot to lift the bag of stuff which he had originally said he would drop to mine.

Again, 2rebecca, it's a 14 mile round trip door to door. I'm not going to ask a neighbour to do that for me. And I offered to go to his and pick it up (see my post explaining) I wasn't asking him for to go out of his way, I was going to go and pick it up.

WRT 3 pairs of trainers, she has her old pair that are fit to play in, an old pair of DD1's that also fit her and do at a push-by, and the trainers that I bought for her to wear to school that actually fit her.

The stuff is left at his house because he forgot to lift it and bring it when he was driving past here during the day to go to a meeting in town, not because the kids left it behind.

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Original poster
fluffystabby · 16/11/2011 12:15

And SGB - yes, I am very glad I left him.

And he'd never ever in a million years be early Grin

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Original poster
fluffystabby · 16/11/2011 12:21

And 2rebecca, in the interests of complete disclosure and because I am angry at your tone, part of what had to be dropped off was a full size keyboard which she took to his house to practice.

I really don't think a 13 year old could handle that on a bus, nor would I want an expensive keyboard I purchased hoiked on the bus.

There were good a valid reasons for me and he organising to drop off/pick up stuff and rather than picking holes in the entire posts I made and asking why my child has 3 pairs of trainers, howzabout looking at the actual point of the posts?

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valiumredhead · 16/11/2011 12:24

That would irritate me immensely!

( Can you explain what 'What the JEFF' means please? I keep seeing it on here! I know it means WTF, but Jeff? Confused)

Original poster
fluffystabby · 16/11/2011 12:26

I don't know where it came from but I use it with the kids instead of swearing Blush

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valiumredhead · 16/11/2011 12:27

Ha ha ha Grin

StaceymAloneForver · 16/11/2011 12:32

fluffystabby is it too early for Wine?? maybe just a Brew then

XH's are a pita, mine always forgets to pack kids school stuff when they come back sunday night (they are 7 and 5 and will remember if prompted to pack their own stuff but he wouldn't prompt them) and it is a right pain having to explain to school for the hundreth millionth time that the stuff is at their dads!

Original poster
fluffystabby · 16/11/2011 12:54

Stacey - yip total pita

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Original poster
fluffystabby · 16/11/2011 13:37

It's a fucking full size keyboard. With a fucking stand. And a plug. My blue bin is full of tins and plastic bottles with no lids on coz you can't re-cycle the fucking lids.

And I don't think the keyboard would do too well with bean juice and dribbles of sour milk all over it.

but obviously, if that's what must be done to satisfy mumsnet rather than my ex do what he fucking agreed when he fucking agreed then sure that's what we'll do from now on.

I've ended up in tears over this. Me and he had good and valid reasons for doing a hand-over for want of a better word.

And yes, DD2 has 3 pairs of trainers. And I get tax credits. Let me go self-flaggelate some more in this life of fucking luxury I'm living.

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