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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby and Wedding?

37 replies

handbagCrab · 15/11/2011 12:37

PFB is overdue and my best friend's wedding is coming up. She planned the wedding before I got pregnant and asked me to be her bridesmaid which I thought was brilliant (I'm the only bridesmaid).

When I first got pregnant I was really up for bringing baby to the wedding but as time has passed and I know a bit more about babies I don't think a whole day at a wedding will be best for him. The oldest he will be is 4 weeks but if I have to wait for induction he'll be 3 weeks.

I planned for my mum to babysit so I could still be a helpful bridesmaid and was plucking up courage to tell my friend when she excitedly started talking about the outfit she's buying the baby to wear for the wedding. I didn't have the heart to say I didn't think it would be good for him to be there.

I've thought of this compromise, is it unreasonable? I haven't asked my friend yet. My mum could bring baby to the ceremony and to have a couple of photos taken and then take baby home. This means baby would be there for about 2 and a half hours. It's a church ceremony and won't cost my friend any extra or cause inconvenience for my mum to be there and they both know each other. I'm planning to breastfeed and to fit this in round the day (it's 15 mins from my house so I can nip home) but again, I don't actually know if this is totally impractical. I don't want baby at the evening do as there will be too many drunk people I vaguely know trying to take the baby and I feel he'll be too small for this.

Or has anyone got any ideas around the logistics of the day that I haven't thought of?

Thanks for your input :)

OP posts:

neolara · 15/11/2011 12:45

Blimey. Good luck. Don't want to rain on your parade, but think managing the logistics are going to be slightly harder than you think it might be. Can you even get your boobs out easily of your bridesmaid dress?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/11/2011 12:46

Well, I've never bf but you nipping home isn't going to work all that well from what I can see. 30 mins there and back plus however long to feed, so you'll be disappearing for an hour every few hours. Can your mum bring him to you?

SharrieTBGinzatome · 15/11/2011 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/11/2011 12:47

Where is the reception? Is it in a hotel that you can install your mother in with tv, mags and chocolate? Then you just have to pop upstairs.

scarlettsmummy2 · 15/11/2011 12:48

I think you will struggle with breast feeding- at that age they often want to feed for comfort rather than hunger, and fifteen minutes is actually quite a long time to deal with a screaming baby- it also wouldn't be uncommon to feed every two hours. I would probably bring him with me the whole day to be honest, and just keep him in the pram at the evening do- he is your baby and if you don't want to have him passed around just say no. You can say something like "I am just trying to get him to settle."

nethunsreject · 15/11/2011 12:50

Um, if you have a baby that young, you might not be up to a full day at a wedding.

Tbh, I'd have bowed out before now! Sorry, I don't want to be a damp squib, but it's a bit much to ask of yourself, never mind the baby!

Personally, I reckon, the baby would probably be fine if there is someone to cuddle him and you are available to feed him. It depends if you get a chilled one or a screamer. Bear in mind that they like to cluster feed at tha age too. Which is great, as you get to rest, but a big day at this satge might be a bit hard on you.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 15/11/2011 12:51

I would see if your Mum would be on 'stand by' for the day and just see how it goes. Also, see if there's a room that could be booked for your Mum so she can be comfortable and you can just pop in to feed the baby, popping home really isn't going to be very practical.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 15/11/2011 12:52

I'd also take an outfit to change into that is easier to feed whist wearing - then you quite possibly wont even need to leave the room if you are comfortable with feeding by then.

Pascha · 15/11/2011 12:53

You're going to want to feed about every 2 hours, so its impractical unless you introduce a bottle for some of the feeds. Your boobs will be like boulders still and quite likely to leak, BTW, so I hope your dress has some give and room for pads.

I think if it were me I would plan to be home early, just do the ceremony and the meal, and express the feeds inbetween. You can have a good time but unless your mum comes to the whole day (no reason why she couldn't) and has baby in a sling, you are going to find it logistically difficult.

Pascha · 15/11/2011 12:55

Reading other responses, I would go with bringing your mum and having her somewhere quiet and comfy. This could be your escape and rest time as well and your mum could have a bit of time to say hello to the bride when you're busy with baby.

Could work quite well actually as long as you plan it now.

SharrieTBGinzatome · 15/11/2011 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Red2011 · 15/11/2011 12:57

If it is any help, I was bridesmaid at my sister's wedding a few months ago. DD was 6 months old at the time and was being breastfed for the majority of her feeds. DP looked after her during the ceremony and I fitted feeds in around whatever we were doing.
(BTW I did BF in my bridesmaid dress - I nipped into a side room, and draped myself & baby in spare muslins that I had brought along). It was do-able but a little manic.

With a younger baby I think you need to plan out the day! Little one is going to want feeding regularly, as has been pointed out, every few hours. So you need to know when the photos are, and make sure the ones you're in are the first to be taken so you can nip off to do nappy changes/feeds etc. It is a good idea to have a helping pair of hands around.
Also, if you end up not BF then you can make sure you have formula ready for someone else to give to your newborn, or bottle feed as and when. Or express milk? Although that may take a few weeks to get the hang of....

Congrats on the wedding and imminent baby! :)

Pascha · 15/11/2011 12:59

At 4 weeks if you don't feed you will need to express at that time instead or else your boobs will be excruciating. Can you plan that if the babe is at home?

MrsJRT · 15/11/2011 13:00

I went to a wedding with a 4 day old, ok not as a bridesmaid but was there all day and night, I got my mum to have the baby during the ceremony, feeding just before I left and leaving straight after photos to collect and feed again, the venue set me up in a little spot to BF baby when necessary and she stayed in her pram the rest of the time, when it came to that point in the evening when everyone wanted a piece of her I removed myself to the quieter bit where folks were just sitting chatting and rocked her in her pram, politely denying any requests for a cuddle as her having had a busy day and needed to sleep. It is doable but my silk dress was wrecked from my leaky boobs :)

SenoritaViva · 15/11/2011 13:01

I second the idea of renting a room for your mum and baby to be in so you really can nip upstairs. I think your realisation that things might not be quite as it first appeared is perfectly normal and your friend sounds decent enough that you can share this with her. Tell her you don't want to stress her day out at all but you are seeing how hard this might be. Get her to list all the things she 'expects' you to do and make sure if there's something later on in the evening etc. that you've asked someone to be on standby in case you have gone. Let her know you are concerned and doing your best but that she mustn't feel let down by you if it doesn't all go according to plan...

Combinearvester · 15/11/2011 13:02

Bear in mind it's not just that they feed every two hours - each feed might also take up to 45 minutes and the 2 hours ime goes from the start of the feed not the end of the feed - so I only had about 1 hour in between not actually feeding that's without adding the hours of winding on--. Also in the evenings at that age sometimes they just stay on the breast snacking on and off for bloody hours. And you can't always tell whether they are hungry or not (though a good clue is if they are awake ;) ). And some of them just scream from say 6pm to 11pm for no apparent reason.

I guess what I'm saying is don't worry about it too much now cos you don't know what type of baby you are going to have, how well it will feed etc., how you will be feeling physically. Frankly with mine at that age I was always exhausted and glad to use baby as an excuse to leave events.

neolara · 15/11/2011 13:02

Also, I would try to put your friend off from buying an expensive wedding outfit for the baby. Your dc is quite likely to an exloa-poo (recently saw that term on MN and thought "yeessssss!") that goes all the way up it's back. Or vomit all over what it's wearing. You would probably be wise to bring a couple of changes of clothes for your dc just in case. And also possibly for yourself, just in case you get hit by vomit / poo / leaky exploding boobs. (Sorry. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but best to be prepared.)

SenoritaViva · 15/11/2011 13:02

by the way, it isn't people's rights to hold your baby, this is your first lesson in parenting - how to say no. Will be great practice for you.

Puffykins · 15/11/2011 13:06

I took DS to a wedding at about 3 weeks. It was absolutely fine. He slept through the service in his car seat (next to me in church, obviously, not in the car!), was awake for the reception so I carried around and he smiled at everyone, and then slept through dinner, lying in his Moses basket under the table. I breastfed when I needed to in a quiet room I found upstairs.

Good luck! And I hope that you and the bride and your baby all enjoy it.

BramblyHedge · 15/11/2011 13:08

I was a bridesmaid in a boned dress this summer when dd was 4m. i managed to bf by flopping them over the top of my dress and hiding with a pashmina. my dp was also best man and we also have 2 ds, 3 and 5. It was hectic but no big deal. We did have family around as it was brother's wedding so I second idea of asking if your mum can come. i think you are overthinking the potential problems. i wasnt a massively helpful bridesmaid but my sil didnt care as she just wanted me to be part of it.

LydiaWickham · 15/11/2011 13:09

If you've had a complicated birth, you migth not be up for the evening do!

Keep your baby with you, take the pram, will your DP be there? He could always walk round the church yard with your new DS if he gets a bit shouty in the vows! If you are bfing, you dno't want to be away from your baby, if you're not, you will be a hormonal mess and not want to be away from your baby!

If you can get a room at the hotel and you're mum will sit in that, then great for naps/evening do, but you will probably want to keep DS with you for the day/use pram carry cot as bed for evening.

BramblyHedge · 15/11/2011 13:10

Second the not having expensive outfit. dd had an explosion while sitting on agreat Grandmas lap.

BramblyHedge · 15/11/2011 13:12

Also if you have a csection you may not be up to it. Hopefully you won't obviously (crosses fingers) but worth bearing in mind.

Original poster

handbagCrab · 15/11/2011 13:14

Thanks for your replies :)

My mum left me with my grandma to see Pink Floyd for a day when I was 4 weeks, which she says was hard but doable and I really don't want to let my friend down as I already caused a scene on her hen do by being rushed into hospital half way through!

neolara I don't have a dress yet. As I'm the only bm I don't have to match but I haven't seen anything yet I think I could breastfeed in. I think it will be a mad dash round the shops the week before with my friend to find something that will fit me :)

Thanks for the breast-feeding info, it threw me yesterday at antenatal when they said babies might feed every hour and a half as this wouldn't fit round the wedding at all!

I totally agree I'll be knackered but I can cope with it for my friend's sake as she is lovely. Would it be ok to stay til the first dance and then head off if you're the only bm or would that be really rude? I think if we stayed longer I'd end up insulting someone as I'm the first in this group to have a baby and I don't think they'd understand why I don't want them to have the baby all night. They'd take it really personally and I don't want to cause a scene.

Maybe my mum could come in the morning when I'm helping my friend get ready & come to ceremony as she's really looking forward to looking after the baby. Then I could have him for the meal & first dance & then we could come home. There's my husband too but I'm not sure how involved he will be yet as he's friends with the groom so I don't want to put the same pressure on him if they've planned for him to be involved in wedding stuff as well.

Cheers for the squee Sharrie :)

OP posts:

Pascha · 15/11/2011 13:16

That sounds doable. Your mum is obviously looking forward to this.

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