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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off when mil gives me these needless tasks?

34 replies

familyfun · 14/11/2011 22:39

ils visit weekly and love to see dds (1 and 4) but they cause me work rather than ever helping.
they never put the kettle on, they say they will wait till ive finished whatever im doing.
we have to pass them their tea off the shelf then put it back for them.
mil will call me over and pass a coin for the kids money box instaed of just giving it the dds.
all little things i put up with and not a real problem, they are in 70s.

but, mil will give dd2 (1) things that arent suitable for a baby, like a metal watch, a mobile, a coin, her open handbag which contains pills, and then tell me i will need to watch dd2, when i say just dont give them to her let her play with her toys, she says she likes to look thats what kids do and its up to me to watch her and say no when she puts themt o her mouth. like ive got nowt else to do? so after a couple of nos from me i remove the objsct and give it her back so she finds soemthing else to hand over, aaagh.

she also gives dd1 craft things like sequins/tinsel/tiny buttons/sewing that she needs a lot of help with and tells me its to keep me busy. whendd2 was born i explained i wasnt able to do these projects as i had dd2 aswell and she told me to do it when she was asleep and kept telling dd1 to "ask your mom to help". i told mil she could sit and do one with dd1 and she said she hasnt got the patience, so why does she think i have?

aibu?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/11/2011 22:40

is she mentally unwell ?

Heavensmells · 14/11/2011 22:44

YANBU
What have you done to piss her off in the past? Whatever it is she is paying you back big time!

DoMeDon · 14/11/2011 22:45

YANBU to be pissed off but I think it is just a generational gap thing. If it is once a week visiting, can you just not be busy when they come? Organise your time differently so you can watch the DC. I think it is the hosts job to make the tea, personally. fetching it off the shelf is a step too far for me, but if they are elderly 70 it is differnet to spritely 70.

Miette · 14/11/2011 22:53

Just managed to lose my post, but i think you need to do the stuck record thing here. Say "I'm busy. You need to do that yourself/help with that." Keep saying it until she gives up.

HardCheese · 14/11/2011 23:00

I think the tea-making and giving your younger child potentially dangerous objects are two different things (though I appreciate you can't watch the baby like a hawk while making tea!) You need to stand firm on the dangerous objects - all you would need to do is glance away for five seconds to allow her to choke on a coin or swallow a pill. It's as stupid as your MIL putting a baby down next to an unguarded fire and then telling someone else to watch her in case she falls in - why do it?

On the other hand, let your one-year old drop the MIL's mobile or watch into an unlidded sippy-cup of water, and it might make her keep her handbag to herself. Grin

hiddenhome · 14/11/2011 23:05

Give your dd a large pot of petit filous to drop into the handbag Grin

NanaNina · 14/11/2011 23:10

Oh god I feel irritated just reading about your mil - and I'm one myself! I'm the other way round I sometimes worry about 18 month gr/dgtr putting 5 yr old small toys in her mouth, but I never say anything - no that's not strictly true - I tell my son about it!! Like hiddenhome's suggestion!

Original poster
familyfun · 14/11/2011 23:12

i dont mind making tea, but if im bf dd2 and mil say she is gasping for a drink, i say help yourself and she says she will wait so i feel im being waited for.
she is elderly 70, regularly spills her tea all over the carpet, so passing tea can be safer than her carrying it past dds.
but passing dds unsuitable stuff drives me mad. its like i give her the mobile back and while i go to the kitchen she has given her the watch, then tells me to keep my eye on her Hmm
dunno what ive done to her??
i asked my mom, admittedly younger, to be careful about buying small craft things this year with dd2 about and she has listened and keeps it at her own house, but mil seems to see it as a challenge to bring me a sewing thing. i have told her that dd1 doesnt even get involved i do all the work and i dont enjoy it, can i be any clearer? but she gives it to dd1 in her hand telling her to ask mommy for help and then smiles saying it will keep me busy, i may scream next time.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/11/2011 23:15

I think you should be making the tea, actually, but the rest - can you not be very firm and tell her she needs to stop giving your children potentially dangerous things?

colliwobble · 14/11/2011 23:17

as the children get older, things will change - hang on in there

Nanny0gg · 14/11/2011 23:19

Okay.
Next time she gives your dd something she shouldn't have, walk straight over, take it away and put it on a shelf, saying 'No, mummy doesn't want you to have that.' (passive-aggressive or what!)
Do that with every item and then give the lot back to MiL when she leaves.
Do it every time until message gets through.

Original poster
familyfun · 14/11/2011 23:19

i do make tea every time, but feel that our parents should be able to make a cuppa if they are gasping (her words) and we say help yourself, but maybe she feels uncomfortable doing it, in which case she should just wait till im ready.
thinking about it, i think mil doesnt like being told anything and is deliberately trying to wind me up. dp told her before thatdd1 doesnt like rock so she bought her a giant stick of rock off her hols and sat repeatedly telling dd to try it, all kids like rock Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
familyfun · 14/11/2011 23:21

i think she thinks its my job to sit and watch dd2 all day saying no no no instead of just making the house child friendly and letting her play

OP posts:
GrimmaTheNome · 14/11/2011 23:22

Thank her for the craft things and tell her you'll put it by for when your DD is old enough to enjoy doing it mostly herself.

TheEarlOfDoncaster1963 · 14/11/2011 23:24

I would say "I don't need keeping busy, thanks - I'm already busy!"

LadyWord · 14/11/2011 23:24

Just take whatever she hands to the baby and say "that's not safe for her, I'll just put it over here" and give her a baby toy instead. When she gives you projects for DD1 say "thanks that's lovely but DD1 isn't quite ready for this type of thing yet, we will save it until she's a bit older" and put away.

She sounds as if she wants a lot of attention and to be at the centre of things, without having to bother to do anything.

She also sounds like a pain in the arse!

My mum came recently and despite saying that she wanted to help, and why didn't I just give her some household jobs that she could fuck up do, she made a whole load of work for me by bringing projects for DS that HAD to be done on a certain day and drummed it into him that I had to do it with him, left messages to remind me, etc. Lovely, thanks. Don't consult me beforehand about whether I'll have time, will you? Don't bring a project YOU can do with him for half an hour, will you? Confused

With my mum, she does this because she wants to be important to my DC, but doesn't actually give a feck about how busy I am and what would actually be helpful.

slavetofilofax · 14/11/2011 23:27

She sounds like a nightmare! Where is your DH in all of this?

I wouldn't let her come over unless he was there if she's going to deliberately be that annoying.

omaoma · 14/11/2011 23:31

yeah, definitely stash the craft gifts somehow up high and forget about them. if she checks up on it just mutter something like 'ooh, yes we haven't had a chance to do that yet... DD, show nanny the xyz you love..' and change the subject. repeat ad nauseum. tbh, if she'd said 'i can't be bothered to do these things myself, you do them instead' i would have been honest and said, with a big laugh, 'goodness, then you understand exactly how i feel - i can't be bothered with it either! i'll keep them safe for when DD can do them by herself, she'll love them in a few years'.

think Nanny0gg has the right approach for the dangerous stuff.

fraid you'll just have to keep making the tea, unless - stick a thermos by the chair??? perhaps a big teapot, milk jug and a super-insulated cosy on a wee table next to her seat would be more classy tho!

zipzap · 14/11/2011 23:41

Get your dd in on it - beforehand have a discussion about how granny always brings craft things you can't help her with and lets dc2 play with dangerous stuff so get out toys she wants to play with and whenever mil does/gives something daft, get dd to give it to you and say 'silly old granny, don't you remember that mummy says we can't do that at the moment' or 'granny why are you trying to hurt dc2 with your handbag/mobile/etc?'. Or whatever she can pipe out easily about 'silly old granny' getting all 'old and forgetful'. Bribe dd with copious amounts of chocolate if necessary :)

And you do the passive aggressive thing of taking unsuitable stuff away straight away too - or intercepting her handbag at the door and hanging it up with her coat.

If all else fails, next time she does this, take whatever it is away from her and just ask her directly - 'look, I have asked you not once but numerous times not to give the dc this stuff and expect me to supervise them when I have already told you that it is very inconvenient. Do you really forget this every week? Do I need to talk to your doctors about this? Or is there another reason that you seem determined to undermine me and put your dc in danger every week?'. And then see what her reaction is.

With regard the tea, could you put out a little tray with cup on it, little bit of milk, water ready in the kettle so it is all ready for her to make the tea with no worries about reaching tea. Or tell her that as she is obviously unsafe even holding yea when there are young kids around, for now you have not got any tea for her, she'll just have to have orange squash/water/etc instead. Which you can have in a jug out ready for her near where she sits and a plastic beaker for her and just refuse to let her have tea. In the dame way she ignores your requests to not let the dc play with bag/mObile/sewing kit etc.

Inertia · 14/11/2011 23:50

Agree with Nanny Ogg on this one, just move the dangerous stuff away from DD and put it on a high shelf. Don't give coins, phones etc back to MIL for her to give straight back to DD again, MIL can pick them up on her way home.

I'd also be moving to a high peg any handbags that were left lying around and spilling potentially dangerous stuff like medication.

With the tea- make a flask of tea each for them and ahve it ready for when they turn up, then they can help themselves.

Craft stuff- I agree that either MIL helps older DD with it, or it goes away until she can do it. Don't justify why you're too busy, just divert the attention back to MIL doing it with DD.

It does sound like she's trying to needle you on purpose though!

omaoma · 14/11/2011 23:52

... can you arrange to meet them somewhere that isn't your home eg, a cafe halfway between the two of you? should hopefully get rid of at least 2 of the problems...

and echo the question of where the hell her darling son is when all this is happening. doesn't she want to see him too? why can't he be making the tea???

RomanKindle · 15/11/2011 01:03

YANBU. Who gives a 1 yo coins to play with ffs? You can say no all you like and they will likely ignore you and put it in their mouth!

Original poster
familyfun · 15/11/2011 14:26

i am currently saying no to dd2 for the oven, radiators so feel she hears it enough without giving her danger then telling her no.
have tried meeting at the park by their house but they said it was too cold and came to ours for tea. we literaly live 10 mins apart so cafe would be weird and we cant afford it, especially as we would have to pay for them.
mil dropped some tablets out her handbag whilst getting a tissue out when dd1 was little, mil said ooh nanny has dropped her sweeties, me and dp were horrified and repeatedly told dd1 they were medicine not sweets, she thought we were overreacting.

OP posts:
PosiesOfPoinsettia · 15/11/2011 14:29

Tell your DH to have a word. It's his mother.

lisianthus · 15/11/2011 14:43

Why can't your DP get the tea? You might also want to try taking her at her word- if she says she can wait, just get on with things and let her wait. If she brings it up again, just point her to the kettle.

And what Nanny Ogg says re the dangerous things.

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