to be pissed off when mil gives me these needless tasks?

[familyfun]

ils visit weekly and love to see dds (1 and 4) but they cause me work rather than ever helping.
they never put the kettle on, they say they will wait till ive finished whatever im doing.
we have to pass them their tea off the shelf then put it back for them.
mil will call me over and pass a coin for the kids money box instaed of just giving it the dds.
all little things i put up with and not a real problem, they are in 70s.

but, mil will give dd2 (1) things that arent suitable for a baby, like a metal watch, a mobile, a coin, her open handbag which contains pills, and then tell me i will need to watch dd2, when i say just dont give them to her let her play with her toys, she says she likes to look thats what kids do and its up to me to watch her and say no when she puts themt o her mouth. like ive got nowt else to do? so after a couple of nos from me i remove the objsct and give it her back so she finds soemthing else to hand over, aaagh.

she also gives dd1 craft things like sequins/tinsel/tiny buttons/sewing that she needs a lot of help with and tells me its to keep me busy. whendd2 was born i explained i wasnt able to do these projects as i had dd2 aswell and she told me to do it when she was asleep and kept telling dd1 to "ask your mom to help". i told mil she could sit and do one with dd1 and she said she hasnt got the patience, so why does she think i have?

aibu?

Wow that's annoying! My dad often gives my kids unsuitable things to play with such as cat toys and biros and I thought that was bad enough!

I probably wouldn't be bothered by things like a watch or mobile - though I did always turn mine off before giving it to dd or ds. Why don't you let her give dd her mobile when she is teething so she can drool all over it and break it beyond repair?
As for coins etc if it was me I would honestly say 'if her a coin again you will have to leave'. It would sound blunt and rude but no ruder than her completely ignoring what you have said. You are there - you are saying no - why are you letting her carry on doing it?

Just a thought, but do you think she might be in the early stages of alzheimers/dementia and might need as much looking after as your baby daughters. Could you get tea/drinks ready (flasks) before they arrive and have some play things set out for your dd that she might be able to help with easily when she comes.

How annoying!

The tea thing and the craft thing is just plain rude and unhelpful, but the giving babies dangerous things might be a generational thing.

I know my granny (and my parents/ILs to a lesser extent) is of the mindset that you leave ornaments/pills/open fires as they are and keep the children away from them or in a playpen rather than the more modern mindset that you babyproof the house and let them roam around.

I think you either have to note AnyFucker's question up ^there, or you have to consider whether her behaviour is trending towards an extreme version of what she's previously presented.

I don't consider that this is a generational thing. I'm barely a decade younger that this woman, but even back then there was loads of awareness about safety - car seats, stairgates, fireguards, increasing awareness of the dangers of small objects, and so on.

Control and boundaries are for you to determine - and you are allowed to do that even if it hurts her feelings (better that than a fast trip to A&E). Time for your DH to step up on this one. That might be difficult for him, because of the respect-the-mother concept, but in these circumstances it's the mother of his children that's important, and the safety of his children even more so.

Next time she gives you a crafty thing, get in quick by exclaiming with joy "ooh DD1 Nana/Grandma X (your mum) will love doing that with you, we can save it for X day when you're seeing her" and then if MIL tries to get you to do it just be "Oh no my mum loves it - she used to spend hours with me making things and I was never that interested so it's lovely that DD1 is - she'd be so upset if I didn't let her and DD1 have that to share."

WRT giving DD2 small objects I'm not sure how I'd deal with that, apart from I might resort to speaking to her like a child, "Oh no look DD1, what has nanny given you? What did I say to nanny? No thank you, no choking to death for me yada yada blah blah" All of it is admittedly really fucking irritating and passive aggressive loike, but then I'm a bit twisted like that. Especially as a first effort I have tried being polite, firm or explaining why you'd prefer it if...which I think you have.

You've been clear, you don't want an argument or conflict, you appreciate she's elderly (get a thermos flask and one of those travel thermos mugs and feed her tea on tap liberally with biscuits) but do tell DH to buck his ideas up and take over as soon as he's back from work and do go away for the weekend to visit friends to let DH experience it for himself.

dp gets tea if he is back from work, or at least watches kids while i do, they come at 5.30 to have an hour before kids go up for baths at 6.30 so dp isnt always back dead on 5.30 so at the start i can be alone with them.
ils are old for their age, both been ill so age plays a part.
have had to put our foot down before with them over feeding dd1 sweets while she was eating dinner, looks like we need to do it agin regarding small objects and dd2.
when mil asks about craft projects next week aibu to say they are still on the cupboard where im leaving them till she is older unless you want o help her.
mil wants the glory with no work, she will keep on and on how dd2 cant take her eyes off her but wont sit and play or read or do anything.

don't think you are bu at all re the crafts thing.
you are making allowances for age and illness which is good, sounds like you need to stick in a few boundaries as well, doesn't sound like you are being overly cruel! having them every week is pretty selfless as far as i can see! x

thanks onaoma, they have been 3 times this week , phoned to say they needed to pop round as had something for us, it was a pack of wet wipes and paint pens for dd1, paint pens went straight on cupboard till we have time to do them, dd1 cried, i told mil dd1 was crying as she wanted to do pens and it upsets her not to do them instantly but i dont have time. if that doesnt sink in nothing will.
im trying to be patient but they push me.
then with 2 days till dd2s birthday they gave me some money and asked me to get her something, i looked for a snowsuit but couldnt find one an had plans for today so wasnt about to go on a shopping trip, can guarantee they will ask what did i get with the money and i will tell them nothing but they are welcome to the money back if they want to go and buy her something.
im getting so annoyed.
i do my xmas shopping early, then 2 days before xmas they give me some oney and ask me to go and buy presents, aaagh