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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel excluded and sad

27 replies

udupper · 14/11/2011 21:22

My brother and sister are really close and always seem to be doing things with each other, like going to the cinema, meals etc and they are going to Moscow in a couple of weeks. I'm never invited and it sometimes make me feel very sad as although I know I'm older (31) and he's (22) and she's (25) they barely recognise my existence. I've tried asking them and I get a lukewarm response at best. DH says that its just a matter of age difference and that I should just be happy with my lot and accept that I'll never be that close to them.

OP posts:

Hassled · 14/11/2011 21:25

I think your DH is right, but I can see why you're upset. It's thoughtless of them, isn't it? I'm sure they don't intend to upset you - they're just not thinking things through.

And Moscow is apparently cripplingly expensive and will be freezing. They'll have a shit time, don't worry :o.

Crabapple99 · 14/11/2011 21:26

It is sad to feel excluded, but your H is right, there'sw nothing you can do about it. Hope you have other relatives and friends you are close to instead.()

GrendelsMum · 14/11/2011 21:30

Oh, they're just much nearer in age, and they're at the same life stage at the moment. At the moment, you're 'big sister' and you have a certain role to play in their lives, no less important to them for not being one which involves going on mad drinking holidays together.

You'll be much closer to them in another 10 years, take it from me.

They'll have a lovely time in Moscow, though!

Cathycomehome · 14/11/2011 21:30

I've got a variety of different aged brothers and am not that close to my littlest one or my oldest one - you are just unfortunate that the two who are very close in age have more in common - I bet they don't mean to hurt you. (But YANBU)

SparklyRedShoes · 14/11/2011 21:32

They'll grow out of it as their lives start to go in different directions, promise. But they're still relatively juvenile and self absorbed, being closer in age compounds it. I would feel excluded too.

I think you should arrange a party, day out, holiday and invite them. It shouldn't have to be you making all the effort but maybe that's the way to go.

janewa · 14/11/2011 21:37

YABU not all siblings get on or want to spend masses of time with one another. They clearly don't particulary enjoy your company which is no reflection on you, its just the way things go sometimes

Isla77 · 14/11/2011 21:46

You have my sympathy and YANBU in my opinion. It is horrible to be left out. They sound totally self-centred and selfish to me.

wifey6 · 14/11/2011 21:48

udupper....so sorry you feel/are being treated like this. I have the same trouble with my 3 sisters so I know how hard it can be. Have you tried talking to them & explaining how it makes you feel?
Your family may be more considerate/understanding than mine when i asked them.

kiola · 14/11/2011 21:49

Did you make an effort when they were younger because if you did then YANBU but if you didn't then you reap you sow.

TheCountessRoyalofBlood · 14/11/2011 21:51

I think you might find its a time of life thing, you are married and am assuming they aren't, do you have children? do they? I know I am much closer to my siblings now I have a mortgage/kids/job etc as they were all several years ahead of me, however they do still do things together without me and it does hurt. I do feel your pain!

exoticfruits · 14/11/2011 21:54

I would think that it is just a stage in life. It might be different later on.

MillyR · 14/11/2011 21:59

I am one of three siblings and agree with Exoticfruits; these relationships change over time as lives change. You will probably find that in a few years you are closer to one or both of them and they may have drifted apart from each other.

I hope you don't take it too much to heart, even though it can feel hurtful.

squeakytoy · 14/11/2011 22:02

I have 3 stepchildren, all in their 20's now, and as Milly says, their relationships and the dynamics do change. At one time the girls were best mates, and my stepson had his own friends. Later on the two eldest were closer, and the youngest was doing her own thing with her own set of mates.. and now the two youngest are closest.. overall they are all good friends, but the youngest two tend to socialise together more, going for meals etc.

realhousewife · 14/11/2011 22:12

It's normal to be sad when you're left out. To leave people out is bad manners at best and exclusion at worst. But it doesn't mean you always will be left out. One recommendation is to take the lead and commit to a phonecall or a meeting/drink/meal on a regular interval - both individually and together and leave the conversation with 'I'll talk to you nearer christmas/after easter/etc'.

They're young, you have to take the lead. I was sulky about my brothers for years and now they know I'll give them space they treat me more like a human being.

Salmotrutta · 14/11/2011 22:22

I agree with others that it is an age thing and you will find it changes as they get older.
It's not about you, just age dynamics.
Although, TBH, I don't know many siblings of their ages who spend that much time together. Do they have other friends of their own?

squeakytoy · 14/11/2011 22:26

Are they also both single?

It could be that if you are married, they consider you to be more restricted in your freedom.. and going by some of the posts on another thread today, it would be wrong for you to spend time with them.. Moscow would certainly be out of the question!

MenopausalHaze · 14/11/2011 22:28

at squeaky

Here OP - have the cure-all answer to everything on MN - A bloody Spa Break!

again!

scarlettsmummy2 · 14/11/2011 22:30

ten years is a big deal when you are 22- what really do you have in common with your brother?

I wouldn't take it personally, as he matures I bet you will find you get on much better.

toptramp · 14/11/2011 22:30

YANBU to feel upset. Pah to age difference. Do you have kids and they don't? This could be nearer to the truth.

witherhills · 14/11/2011 22:42

Exact same age difference with my brother and sister, but we are 10 years on you. I know the feeling, but it all evens out. My brother has kids now so the dynamic has all changed. We all love each other equally but we do different things together. My brother just put my DS's bike together and I'm going to a concert with my sis.
We all go on hols together sometimes, it's great now.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 15/11/2011 00:17

I disagree that the age is relevant. I am cloer to one sister than the other...we can't he;p it. There are ten years between myself and my sister that I am close to and only 5 between my other sister and me.

It's one of those things..I HAVE tried to get closer to the other but she doesn't seem to know what to do with my overtures. I wonder if she likes me sometimes!

She and her DH go camping and I said "Oh we should pan to go to the same site one week" as our girls all get on and she actually said "Ha!" like I was joking...or like it was a terrible idea!

iscream · 15/11/2011 06:14

You can try and get closer to them. Arrange to meet them for a meal or invite them to visit, to do stuff with you?

BratinghamPalace · 15/11/2011 06:30

Really, really painful. I know what you mean. I have three brothers and as life has gone on I have been increasingly left out of their lives with an innocent "what do you mean " if I allude to anything. It is, as other posters say, life. That however ignores the nuance and layers of emotions and a long common life together. So, YANBU. It hurts. And it may well change in the future but it bloody hurts today. Nothing you can do (except maybe get someone to give you a back rub!)

babysbreath · 15/11/2011 07:12

I know how you feel. My dh is the middle child, he has an older brother and a younger sister. My dh is always left out, as his sister and brother are always doing things together, even their mother does things with them and leaves dh out! The brother has a live in girlfriend and the sister has a partner and a son. We are never told anything and when this is brought up, their mother says you don't bring it up in conversation - what is that about, how do they find things out!!! Also, they all live quite near each other. I do sympathise with you.

echt · 15/11/2011 08:01

Do things and invite them. Start off small, cinema, meals. If they duck out regularly put them on the spot. If they don't invite you to events, put them on the spot.

This sounds aggressive, I see, so ask them then, when you include them, why don't they include you? Sorry, I see you have tried this. Put them on the spot right now. At least you'll know.

I speak as one who has had only one call from a DB in 6 years on Oz.

I have 3 DBs.

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