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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL Stealing our thunder - AIBU?

54 replies

NewbeeMummy · 14/11/2011 15:36

So after many years of being together, DP popped the question yesterday.

I'm over the moon, and we had discussed it a few times over the last 12 months, but something has always come up or it's not felt quite right, or real life has got in the way, and we're both really happy about it.

We're both divorcees, and in one of our many chats we discussed the fact that it would mean a lot for me to use my grand mothers engagement ring when we ever got around to sorting out getting engaged. (this is relevant - sorry if I'm waffling)

So I phoned my family and told them, but also said we wouldn't be saying anything outside of the family until we have had the ring resized so I could wear it and we could do it properly, DP then phoned his mum and told her the news and the same message (I was in the room so I know he told her not to tell anyone) but 2 minutes after getting off the phone she has emailed all their side of the family and friends to tell them the good news(including his sister who we wanted to tell directly not have her hear it via the grapevine)

So I've had people emailing me and commenting on facebook, and colleagues now asking where's the ring, which is want we didn't want.

Now I know I'm probably being a bit unreasonable, but it would have been really nice if for just once she would have respected our wishes and not said anything as we asked her to.

I'm probably just grumpy because when DP told her, her comment was "well you could do worse". (I know she was joking but - argh! can she not just be nice for once...)

OP posts:
AmazingBouncingFerret · 14/11/2011 17:18

You have to have a belgian bun cake.

Such a good proposal. Grin

mummymccar · 14/11/2011 17:19

Newbee Congratulations! I love your proposal story, it just put a little tear in my eye! Love that it was all sparked off by a Belgian Bun - I've been trying to get DP to propose for ages now, if I'd know about the belgian buns I'd have tried that a lot sooner!!

WRT MIL - don't let her spoil your news. My mum did this to me when ex and I got engaged and I was gutted. I had a firm chat with her and told her that she wouldn't be told about the first grandchild until after everybody else. Think that scared her straight as she was good as gold when DP and I told her we were expecting!

But seriously, it is your news, your day, don't let anyone else ruin it for you! the only thing that matters is your wonderful future together.

LtEveDallas · 14/11/2011 17:19

That is a great story, makes me go awww

We had sponge for our wedding cake as we are the same re fruitcake and marzipan (yuk). I think a Belgian bun stack is an ace idea - make sure you have one for every guest tho (friend did a doughnut stack but forgot to count her and her groom oops!)

realhousewife · 14/11/2011 17:21

YANBU - that's out of order and she knows it. But don't rise to the bait and fight fire with fire. I would simply tell everyone 'you weren't supposed to know, it was a secret but MIL somehow forgot that it was'.

You know everyone will rally round you and eventually it will get back to MIL that you are just 'outing' her on this. I'm sure her feeling foolish among the wider family circle will be your sweet revenge.

ItWasABoojum · 14/11/2011 17:25

Your proposal story is lovely - absolutely has to be a Belgian bun cake!

Bollocks to your MIL. You both sound too utterly lovely to let her silliness spoil things for you. Congratulations!

GleamingHeelsSparklyPartyDress · 14/11/2011 17:26

NewbeeMummy your Belgian Bun proposal just gets better and better - you definitely have to do as AmazingBouncingFerret says and have a Belgian Bun Cake

Now I just need to Google to seee what a BB actually is...

AmberNectarine · 14/11/2011 17:27

Ooh I bought my DH a Belgian bun earlier (from Greggs, shhh) I wonder if he'll want to renew our vows or consent to DC3.

YANBU btw, I would be narked, but don't let it spoil your buzz!

Congratulations!

Milliways · 14/11/2011 17:28

YANBU!

My DD got engaged last week and I was dying to tell people, but we had to wait until she had finished calling all her lose friends/family herself, and then she posted on facebook, and we knew we were safe. :)

Congratulations

Original poster
NewbeeMummy · 14/11/2011 17:29

Why do I have images of BF's across the country getting confused because they're suddenly being presented with Belgian buns Grin

OP posts:
Ephiny · 14/11/2011 17:29

The Belgian bun story is lovely. That's so much nicer than an elaborate staged proposal IMO :)

I agree YANBU to be annoyed, but don't let your MIL spoil this for you.

Chulita · 14/11/2011 17:49

newbeemummy that is fantastic proposal story! very sweet
Yanbu, my mil told everyone on their side of the family that we were expecting before we could, I was really pissed off. If there's a next time she'll be the last to know.
And re belgian buns, they're a sure fire way to a man's heart, secret to a happy relationship I reckon.

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 14/11/2011 18:06

My own DM is a 'sharer' of anyones news in the family, and it is genuinely because she is so excited or proud of whoever she is stealth boastingtalking about.

It has got to the point where I no longer share any secrest with her before I want the wider family/friends to know. Sometimes it is difficult to keep things secret, but I do it both for my own sake, and for hers. To ask someone to keep things like that to themselves can be worrying for them incase they slip up.

I know in OP's instance, the MIL emailed a group which is rather OTT, but I do understand her excitement.

Sometimes, if you genuinely want to keep things secret for a while, you should only burden yourselves with the task.

SingingSands · 14/11/2011 18:13

Aw, what a fab story - congratulations!!

There's not much you can do about your MIL spilling the beans now, but I would be tempted to make sure she is the LAST person to see the ring Wink

Original poster
NewbeeMummy · 14/11/2011 18:27

Totally unplanned, but she will actually be the last to see the ring, because we're now not seeing her until the New Year for a delayed Xmas do.

OP posts:
GretaGarble · 14/11/2011 18:56

Oh look Biscuit a Belgian Bun!

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 14/11/2011 19:04

Congratulations, what a lovely reason for him to propose!

Enjoy being engaged and planning - I had much more fun second time round and because DH loves fruit cake and pork pie and I hate those but love cake, we had loads of different cakes with the 'wedding cake' the one we cut being a fruit cake, we also had a pork pie one and 10 cakes made by family and friends as part of the afternoon tea.

Really wishing you every happiness.

Nanny0gg · 14/11/2011 19:06

Congratulations!

What's a Belgian bun?

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 14/11/2011 19:06

oh and DH had told my Mum and Dad three weeks before he proposed and they had been carrying champagne round in the boot of the car waiting to celebrate but despite seeing us almost every day they didn't even drop the tiniest hint to me!

That's being good at keeping a secret!

Original poster
NewbeeMummy · 15/11/2011 08:50

Thanks everyone for the congrats.

I had to share this with you, but I went home and showed DP this thread last night, and we're definitely going to have a belgian bun stack as our wedding cake :)

For those of you who aren't sure a belgian bun are those really sticky sweet cinnamon roll type things covered in white icing and a cherry (has to have the cherry or it's not a belgian bun)

OP posts:
Original poster
NewbeeMummy · 15/11/2011 08:53

@ LizaTarbucksAuntie - now that is keeping a secret!

I think one of the reasons I was so cross with MiL is my mum is the complete opposite, when I told her years ago that I was getting engaged to SBXH, she didn't say a word to anyone, even my dad, my sister and her best mate (who is like my second mum) because she knew I wanted to tell people myself.

OP posts:
smileitssunny · 15/11/2011 09:02

Congratulations! Good luck with MIL - I ran into problems with mine during the wedding planning but we are good friends now.

OhDoAdmit · 15/11/2011 09:09

Congratulations!
Sorry she has put a bit of a dampner on it but YAY! anyway Grin

I told my mum I was pg with DC5 but we were not telling anyone else outside my sis/bro. I was a bit sensitive about it all for lots of reasons.

So anyway I went to my grans funeral the next week and the very first thing my mum had done was to tell everyone. I had a constant stream of relatives that I hadnt seen for years coming up and touching my stomach. It was bloody horrible.

Mum wanted to have a bit of attention because she has this thing about being looked down on by my dad's relatives.

I am over it now i'm not

ElizabethDarcy · 15/11/2011 09:09

Ooooh that looks nice, I have never had one!

Sorry re the MIL... but I think you know to keep things to yourself in future... ;)

We had a carrot cake at our wedding, not marzipan fans either.... went down well! You have to have a Belgian Bun cake :)

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! We just celebrated our ten year wedding anniversary - what a joy being married has been (mostly... except for ils... hehe)

ShoutyHamster · 15/11/2011 10:17

Tell MIL she has your wedding and its run-up to redeem herself - plenty of opportunities to prove to you both that she isn't a controlling, me first, pushy, inappropriate nightmare who has to make everything about her.

If she can't, you'll unfortunately have to make a final decision that she will, always, be the last to be told about anything, because she can't respect you or your wishes on important subjects.

Tell her to shape up and start treating you both as adults... or prepare to hear the news of her impending first grandchild from Great Aunt Bab twice removed :)

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