'Wake up baby!' Not so much AIBU as what would you have said?

[everybodysang]

Took the morning off work today as I had an appointment in town with 10 month old DD. Once we had done that I was walking around town with her and she fell asleep in her pushchair. She's usually in a sling and doesn't often fall asleep in the pushchair so I was delighted, especially as she had a terrible night last night and we've both got a cold - I thought, ooh, I can sit down and have a coffee and read my book for half an hour.
Went into coffee shop, ordered coffee, waiting in queue for coffee to be made - still delighted that she was sound asleep. Small boy, I think around 3.5/4 suddenly ran up to us, ran round the pushchair, leaned in and SCREAMED in her face 'Wake up baby! Wake up!' and then ran off again. DD woke up, screaming and terrified. I looked round to see where the little boy had gone, and he was standing by his mum a few people behind me in the queue. I caught her eye and she kind of shrugged at me, laughed and said 'oh, he's always doing that.'
That was it. I got my coffee but poor DD was inconsolable so had to throw it down my neck and leave almost straight away. She cried the whole way home on the bus.
I know young kids do impulsive things, he was only small so I don't really have a problem with him actually having done it - though obviously I wish he hadn't - but I just sort of gawped at his mum, and I wished I'd had a good comeback. Wouldn't you apologise if your child did this? What would you have said to her?

I sometimes feel like I spend half my life saying "sorry" for my DC - not that they would ever do anything like the OP describes (I would have been absolutely mortified and offering to hold/rock/whatever the baby, or anything else I could do to help) but they do walk in front of people, etc, because they don't look where they are going. I would rather apologise 100 times than have one person left tutting about inconsiderate parents, though.

I sometimes feel like I spend half my life saying "sorry" for my DC - not that they would ever do anything like the OP describes (I would have been absolutely mortified and offering to hold/rock/whatever the baby, or anything else I could do to help) but they do walk in front of people, etc, because they don't look where they are going. I would rather apologise 100 times than have one person left tutting about inconsiderate parents, though.

whoops . Stupid 'phone.

i wouldn't had been best please, my dd never sleeps in the day and if she did and got woken up like that without the parent disaplining the child i would of seen red

I can understand why swc would not let a stranger tell off her ds - I would not let a stranger tell off my dd1 either. mostly because it would be more likely to lead to an escalation of whatever undesirable behaviour she was showing, rather than reslting in her learning anything.

and yes, it is possible to do so before it actually happens - I have had to get between interfering strangers and dd1 before now.

I do agree with BOF htough - if this type of behaviour is known possibility, then letting a child run free is asking for trouble (not saying you would swc)

if you do not want stranger telling your precious dcs off, then keep them under control yourself

DoMeDon - I would absolutely undermine another adult trying to tell of my dd1 for misbehaving.

firstly - even though it may not look as though I was doing anything about the situation to an untutored eye, please do rest assured I would ahve it in hand, even if it ws not being commented on at that very moment.
secondly, as i said in my previous post - any intervention by a stranger, wading in with no idea of what they are actually doing, woudl be more likely ot result in an escalation of dd1's behaviour, whatever that may have been. 'telling her off' does not work. not in the traditional way, nor by the traditional means.

on the other hand, any random stranger is welcome to stick their oar in with dd2 - who would actually learn from the experience - as long as it is warranted (unlikely - after parenting dd1, and having to be on top of behaviours in a way that most people cannot even imagine, handling NT dd2 when out and about is a breeze. that is not to say she doesnot misbehave - she is not perfect - but correcting her behaviour and making sure she listens and learns is a piece of piss, quite frankly)

I used to have a friend that didn't allow others to tell her children off. Her ds used to thump mine as soon as he saw him but I wasn't 'allowed' to say anything.

We are no longer friends as her childen are indeed 'little shits'. And I'd say there's a fair amount of nature and nurture in that so both they and their parents can be blamed.

My dd had very poor impulse control at age 3 and if left unattended would have done all sorts of things that other MNers dcs would never ever do.

But she also had a mother who used to hang onto her like grim death and spend any time in public space frantically interacting with her to keep her out of mischief.

It took several years of firm boundaries and ignoring tantrums to turn dd into a civilised specimen. Not for want of trying but because she really was wilful. In the meantime, I had to police her constantly.

So if I had let my attention slip I would have apologised profusely for that.

But hoped that people wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she had never had any boundaries imposed on her because she was my precious little darling. As I used to mutter between my teeth "childrearing is work in progress".

...but that is the difference, Cory - you would have apologised. I suspect the OP would feel a lot less resentful over her lost moment of peace and caffeine if the mother had been apologetic about it.

If my son had done that I'd have been mortified with embarassment, and definetly apologised.

maybe she was covering for embarassment.

But am always amused at MNers who think if other mums could only bring themselves to sit through one tantrum, the child would be sorted, and if the child isn't sorted that is proof that the parents give in. I must have sat through well over 100 tantrums, I never gave way once, it still took years before dd stopped having them. She is a well behaved teen and always very considerate of others. But it took bloody years!

would still judge the mum in the OP though:

because she was not occupying her ds

because she did not apologise

because she seemed to accept her helplessness to make him behave

Oh I am with you there Cory. In spite of the fact that it has never worked, my DD still seems to think that hurling herself on the floor screaming is an effective negotiating strategy. I keep telling myself that this "phase" can't last for ever, but it is a bit of a shock to the system after DS who, although he had his share of tantrums at home, never once did it in public - DD couldn't give two hoots how much of an audience she has [sigh]. I suspect I was a smug parent with DS and DD is my comeuppance.

You should have collected your coffee, hung around a bit to see where she sat and then plonked yourself in the table next to her, picked baby up and directed baby screams in her direction whist saying "yes my poor tired little baby, that's the boy who woke you up and that's his stupid thick as pig shit mother who did nothing about it".

Confrontational?

cory Mine was always harder then other peoples as well, although more in a protesting about everything (literally everything) kind of way. It's very frustrating to have other mums say to me "oh just explain it to her and then she'll stop being upset and screaming". This is from the mum of a toddler who just accepts everything they are told! Mine is not like that! Now they are at school though and mine is very self assured, unlike the other.

In fairness to smallwhitecat, she didn't say that she wouldn't be telling her child off for shouting at and waking the baby, she just said she wouldn't want some other adult disciplining her child because she's the one who knows how to do it effectively. If the OP had had an apology from the other mum, and had seen her tell her son that what he'd done was nasty and naughty, she wouldn't have been half as cross.

Plus I'm willing to bet that smallwhitecat wouldn't just limply say 'Oh he does that all the time' if her son did shout at a baby and wake it.

OP - I am so sorry that your few moments of peace were spoiled by this child and exacerbated by his mum's lacklustre parenting skills, and I know myself how frustrating it is not to think of the perfect come-back until hours later.

Yanbu at all!

I'd have been livid. Especially with ds2, who took HOURS to get to sleep.

ooh, my blood is boiling just thinking of it!

I have a 3.5 yr old and I'd have been mortified if she did that - at that age they definitely know better. I'd have made her apologise, I would have apologised for not intervening earlier and also because DD would no doubt go all shy and refuse to apologise muttering that she is good, really. Then I would have offered to help out with baby (actually I'd think twice about that as having a stroppy toddler around for longer might just have added to your woes).

DD was a horrible sleeper and the worst at around 10 mo. If someone had done that to her I'd have sobbed and then probably collapsed in a heap. Hope you get your coffee moment soon.

I had two TERRIBLE sleepers...in fact they still are at 2 and 3. I have obviously been there a lot myself and drummed it into my kids ....as a few days ago I was in a coffee shop talking to a friend in the queue and DS1 grabbed my hand and said MUMMY SHUSH THERE IS A BABY TRYING TO SLEEP!

turtle23 That is gorgeous! :)

I hope you lowered your voice!

RE lazy indulgent parenting, my SIL let her then nearly 3 year old chuck a large old wooden toy at my son when he was 8 months old and only crawling. It must have weighed about 2kg and if it had hit him would have caused serious damage. SIL said "Oh darling, good sharing!" . She is in serious trouble now in primary school, has bitten another child on the FACE!

I think I am pretty tolerant of other people's brattish toddlers - there but for the grace of God and all that - BUT I would have been livid and I probably would have said something v grumpy along the lines of:

Well he shouldn't so could you work on that with him

or

Thanks very much for allowing your son to ruin my morning

or

(v passive aggressive)

Never mind sweetie (to your dd) Did the boy frighten you? (accopmanied by glare at mother)

Nobody can stop their child doing this sort of thing once but when you know they will do it you jolly well need to pull your socks up and rein in their obnoxious tendancies.

Oh and another thing - what kind of wimpish mother lets their dc off the leash in a coffee shop anyway? Hot fluid right left and centre - you might as well book your bed in A&E for scald treatment before going in the door.