to do this to DN?

[lidldarling]

I have name-changed but my situation will be very recognisable to many posters who have given me a lot of support previously.

Just over a year ago we took on the full care of my DP's nephew who lost his parents as a baby and was brought up by his granny (my MIL). He loves his granny as a mother, but his behaviour at school was awful and eventually he refused to go for 3 months which is when he came to us. She couldn't handle him - can't tell him off, let him do whatever he wanted, etc.

Over the past year we have made big progress wtih DN. He now works reasonably hard at school and gets praise from his teachers, which is a big step up as just six months ago we were being called in almost daily because of his behaviour and he was spending most of the day in the exit room. He has much more self-esteem and is more positive. Some of this is down to me and some the school. DP has been mainly involved in his work and not had much input.

We're currently living in my flat and desperate to move - our toddler (2.2) doesn't have a bedroom which is getting to be a bit of a problem. We also want to move out of London for better school for DN. But we can't get enough of a mortgage to do this. Well, we could do it with a bit of subterfuge but this worries me a lot.

So, and here is my dilemma, DP wants to move to one of two EUropean cities where I will be able to get much more work as a freelancer (I have to think about my career because DS will be at school in a couple of years). DP can work anywhere. With this plan DN would go to a bilingual school which is small, Catholic, private and basically a different planet to his current inner city comp which he loves because he's a gangsta etc. However, I don't think he fits in as much or is as happy there as he makes out. He has never brought anyone back here, noone ever calls, he's alone all weekend and holidays etc. We're worried about the temptations in the form of drugs he will be exposed to over the next few years as he's the type to do anything to fit in.

I once sounded him out on the idea of moving to a foreign city and he was absolutely appalled and said it was the worst idea ever. It would make it very difficult for him to see granny. He currently spends the holidays with her and she comes up often to see him. We would both quite like her to have less influence over his life.

If we go, he may refuse point blank to come with us and if we can't persuade him, he'll have to go back to granny which would be a disaster for him educationally as he won't keep up this progress if he's back there. He will absolutely hate his new school (at least at first) but DP is convinced we can make him go and that although he'll hate it it's a good thing for him and his education in the long run. The worst bit will be the taking him away from his granny. I'm not sure I can do this. Sorry this is so very long.

I think that you should weigh up the risks fairly. Moving abroad carries a clear, high, immediate risk of DN kicking up a giant fuss, being incredibly unhappy and making all your lives difficult. However, there is another very important risk that is less tangible - this is that if you stay put DN may continue to hang out with the wrong crowd and totally screw up his life, becoming a long-term unpleasant and sad presence in your lives. This is more of an unknown too - you have no idea what kind of bad things he could get into and what sort of consequences it could have for him and your family.
It's not easy, but I think I would go for the first option, with the clear and short-term risk of shouting, yelling and tantrums offset against the positives of getting him into a better school with nicer contemporaries. Hopefully this might reduce the more long-term spectre of him going off the rails entirely.

Thanks Eeyore. I think that is what DP and I are both thinking. DN's life was blighted by drugs almost as soon as he was born, I can't bear the thought it might get another generation. DP has more courage than me, when it comes to DN's reaction, but then again, it's me who will be on the front line, receiving end of nearly all of it.

I might be the one who ends up on drugs

I'm sorry if I haven't thanked everyone who has posted, I do really appreciate your comments. My head is spinning with this as we have to make a decision fairly soon and I'm multi-tasking with my tax return.

I think the angle I would take is that he's just a few years off being out in the big wide world, and this is a chance to get ahead of everyone else, good qualifications and possibly fluent in another language, and that real freedom begins when you're working and earning your own money.

I moved from an English school to a French school in Paris at the age of 15 (it wasn't an international school, and I didn't even speak fluent French) for a year (I came back to school in the UK for my A Levels.) Looking back, I can honestly say it was the making of me. I came out speaking fluent French, and with a real sense of achievement and vastly increased self-confidence.
Many of my friends, and indeed my husband went to International schools, and I think in many ways it's easier to make friends than it can be at English schools. People come and go - because of their parents' jobs - so cliques/ gangs etc. are less developed, more transient etc. Actually, DH grew up in Brussels - I don't know if he was at the same school that you are considering sending your DN - he loved it.
I think you should go for it. We moved the whole time was I was growing up, and we were never given a choice. It was just what our family did. We learnt to adapt.
He can always spend half-term/ parts of the holidays with his Grandmother - which might then make it easier for you to segregate her lack of rules, and your attempts at discipline (i.e. he always sees in holiday time.)
Hope that this helps. Good luck!

I think you have to do what is right for you, your DH and your child

Just lost a long post. I have read all the posts and will reread them.

I do really want DN to be happy but more than anything I want him to be a confident, happy young man with a future. I don't honestly see him getting that at the school where he is now. I don't want to shy away from giving him a chance he could have just because he doesn't see it that way.

When it's not your son it's harder to make them do something.

Thanks MaryZ, thoroughly agree on the bribery front - maybe a telly in the room (we do have telly though, must have given off luddite vibes on previous posts!) and if all else fails, we'll get a puppy

I do really want DN to be happy but more than anything I want him to be a confident, happy young man with a future. I don't honestly see him getting that at the school where he is now. I don't want to shy away from giving him a chance he could have just because he doesn't see it that way.

It seems to me that your decision is made, really. And it seems clear that the option of going back to live with granny would be even worse for him and his future than staying exactly as you are now. Which underlines the fact that that should not be an option under consideration at all.

You are extremely brave. Best of luck from the bottom of my heart.

Thanks ceebie, you're very kind

I moved abroad as a teenager and went to an english speaking school. It was a great experience, but I did not learn the local language very well. At 18 when my folks couldn't afford to help me get to uni, I wasn't elidgeble for any grants or student loans because i had been living abroad, I had to move back to the UK alone, find a job and fend for myself. Everything was hard, even getting a bank account to have my wages paid into was a pain in the arse.

It is a potentially great idea, but you need to think ahead too and plan for when he leaves school a bit or he might just end up back with Granny.

good luck

Thanks Nubbins, that's an angle I hadn't considered - what a tricky situation you were in. I think from memory it's 5 years before you lose your full UK citizen status but I'm shocked that applied to you as you were out of the UK as a minor not a taxpayer. Definitely worth checking!