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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

giving money to the homeless/buying from ex offenders doing door to door.

26 replies

lynlynnicebutdim · 14/11/2011 11:55

so, both DH and I are shirking from home today (hence me farting about on the interwebs) as we have the 12 week scan this afternoon. Someone just knocked at the door. I opened it and it was a young lad. He showed me a laminated card from some organisation (cant actually remember what it said) and explained he was an ex offender, and rather than going on benefits he was trying his hand at selling household goods door to door. It was all overpriced tat mostly but i bought something off him just to give him a break.

I closed the door and DH went off his nut at me about buying stuff from door to door salesman and how it was all a scam. I said that if it was one of us or our children in a situation like that, wouldn't he want someone to give them the benefit of the doubt and cut them a break. It must be soul destroying to be judged so harshly when you are trying to restart your life. This lead to a discussion about how he thinks it is pointless giving money to the homeless etc as they just spend it on booze/drugs etc and by giving them money i am just contributing to the problem.

my argument is that i don't deny that it is possible that the money i gave to the homeless guy on the tube last week is going to go straight into the pocket of the off-licence owner but that is not my choice to make. He has the choice to take the money and use it turn a corner, buy some food, book into a hostel, clean up, access help etc. My donation just gave him an opportunity. It is up the recipient to grasp it. 9/10 times the "wrong" choice is probably made but surely it is worth doing for that one person in ten to whom it makes a difference.

DH thinks i am being hopelessly naive and is annoyed with me. AIBU?

OP posts:

gordyslovesheep · 14/11/2011 11:59

No YANBU you are showing of a bit off compassion - once you give money to somebody it is theirs to do with as they like - some homeless people may spend it on special brew, some on a butty - but at least you care

worraliberty · 14/11/2011 12:00

Well separating the two things...

I don't buy anything on the doorstep and I don't understand why ex offenders make such a 'thing of it' by selling door to door and telling everyone they're an ex offender. That's not going to earn them much money anyway and eventually they'll have to get a proper job.

If they were selling to raise money for the victims of crime...I probably would buy something.

IME too many 'homeless' people begging for money already have a roof over their heads and benefits. They're known as professional beggars and can make up to a couple of hundred pounds per week.

If I felt they were truly in need, I'd buy them a sandwich and a bottle of water.

lubeybooby · 14/11/2011 12:00

YANBU

rollonchristmas · 14/11/2011 12:01

You were being compassionate , however the bigger issue for me is an ex offender ( depending on the crime) turning up at my door, i.e violent crime it would be very irresponsible putting alot of peoples safety at risk.

WholeLottaRosie · 14/11/2011 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Forrestgump · 14/11/2011 12:08

Actually the lad that sold £12 dusters and tea towels to my husband the other night was a lovely guy, really well spoken and knocking on doors in the pouring rain!
Dh had a lot of admiraition for the fact he was doing something, and not resorting to benefits or crime!

Well done him.

EdithWeston · 14/11/2011 12:09

I used to buy from this type of vendor (despite thei prices!) as I thought it was a good thing that they were making an effort.

But I think they must have a shared "suckers list", as having bought from one, I was then inundated.

So I don't any more. But I do feel shabby turning them away.

quietlyafraid · 14/11/2011 12:13

I would rather not give door to door salesmen anything regardless of past. Its still dodgy, and chances are he's not paying tax and potentially still claiming anyway. You can't guarentee where that stuff has come from and how reputable he is. If he wanted to start afresh with his own business there are plenty of ways to do it, often supported by local chamber's of commerce. Door to door, isn't the way to do it. He's potentially taking advantage of the old lady who can't afford it with the emotional blackmail there. Leaflet first maybe then go round and ask? But no to simply door to door.

As for homeless, there are professional beggars. If you want to give to them, ask if you can do anything to help like buy some food etc, but don't give cash. Cash is better to go to homeless charities, or paying for the big issue imho.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 14/11/2011 12:21

Somebody pretending to do this pretty well killed my Nan. Nan was 90, fully independent and living alone, still babysitting her neighbours' kids and mowing their lawns. The only thing she couldn't do by herself was walk the mile and a half uphill into town to do her shopping.

A man came round selling teatowels, with the typical story. Nan got her purse and came back to the door. The man pushed her over and ran off with her purse. Nan started shaking, and didn't stop for days; eventually she went into hospital to see if they could fix her. While there, she fell over and broke her hip.

She never recovered enough to go home. She was in a home for a couple of years, where she just sat in her room, didn't watch tv, didn't read, didn't talk to the other residents. Eventually she had a stroke and died.

I feel sorry for the legitimate teatowel sellers, but they make it possible for the arseholes like this to get away with it.

PigletJohn · 14/11/2011 13:19

have you got some reason to believe the person is truly homeless and/or ex-offender?

How do you tell the difference from some smooth-talking con-man with a good cover story for getting £12 out of gullible householders?

How can you tell he is not employed by some shady company which takes the majority of the profits?

Social conscience is a great thing, but you might do better to send a cheque to NACRO or some local charity

Sorry to be unsympathetic.

TattyDevine · 14/11/2011 13:25

We have them come around from time to time and I believe them to be genuine, in that they have photo ID and the organisation they "work" for is searchable etc

If they fall into that bracket fine, and whilst I have bought from them in the past, I wont be in future. They always try and upsell, so if you listen to the spiel and say "okay fine, I'll have a venetian blind cleaner" they then say "if you buy 3 things I get something or other" (there is some kind of incentive) and that just annoys me if I only want one thing.

Then the other time I said "I'll write you a cheque" but they don't take cards or cheques, and I didn't have any cash, so I said, look sorry but I don't carry round lots of cash these days so I can't pay you!" and he said "do you have any cash in your car?" which just started to grate a bit bearing in mind he was an ex offender for some reason I imagined him scrabbling through my coin tray for me

Anyway there's only so many dusters, collapsable buckets and microfibre this that or the other you need. If he was selling wine, now that's another story

PigletJohn · 14/11/2011 13:29

I've got a laminator, shall I make you a dozen ID cards?

A cheque is great, you can make it out to the organisation they claim to be with.

You can also do that with Carol singers who claim to be collecting for the Red Cross but in fact are going to pocket the money and spend it on Breezers

OneHandFlapping · 14/11/2011 13:32

We occasionally get these. I usually give them money, because I don't want any of the shite they're selling. I'd rather give someone £10 that they didn't really deserve than risk withholding the money from someone whose story was actually true.

Maybe it would be theoretically better to give the money to NACRO or something, but that isn't necessarily going to help the young man standing on your doorstep now.

GypsyMoth · 14/11/2011 13:38

Why are you classing 'homeless' with 'offender'.... What is the connection??

sozzledchops · 14/11/2011 13:41

I've had this and I did feel for them (realising it was possibly a scam), but they price they were asking was ridiculous for what they were offering.

Slightlyreluctantexpat · 14/11/2011 13:45

I had them come round a lot when we were in the UK. They are legit. in as much as they have pedlars' licences so they are legal. What I don't understand is who is behind the business, and why whoever it is tries to sell such over-priced tat. The young men at the front door seem surprised that I don't rate their stuff. If I want dusters, or ironing board covers I know where to get them and how much to pay. I won't buy overpriced junk. I have once or twice given them a donation, and not bought any stuff. I think they are being taken for a ride actually, though am not sure what else is available for them to do.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 14/11/2011 13:56

I bought some stuff from a lovely chap who came round last week

I sit here ranting about people expecting something for nothing. It must be the HARDEST job in the world knowing that 99% of people will just slam the door in their face.

I don't care about his background at all just that he is working really hard to do something.

NotOurRabbit · 14/11/2011 13:59

sarasidle because that's how they introduce themselves to mr at the front door.
"Hello, I am from... organisation, I am an ex offender and I am currently living in a hostel..."
I have quizzed several guys who have been to the door.
They apparently get given their first bag of kit to sell and are minibussed around in groups. Each one is dropped off and goes selling.
Some of the money they make from selling the first (free) lot of stuff can be reinvested and they can buy more stock (dirt cheap) to replenish their bag.
The stuff is sold to us at stupidly inflated prices because they get the difference.

I have bought stuff, the only reason why is because at least they are getting off their backsides (admittedly as part of a scheme with incentives) and more importantly, there but for the grace of God go I and all that.
I actually prefer this kind of door to door salesman to the shiney suit/ cheap shoe brigade from "sky" or "virgin bloody media". Who look aghast when I tell them I don't want their services. They can fuck off.

Clawdy · 14/11/2011 14:30

I feel so sorry for the door-to-door boys,but the truth is they get a very small proportion of any money they collect,it all goes to some big guy they are working for. I found it so upsetting saying no to about the third boy in a week,that I put up a "No Cold Calling" sign,which I hate,but prefer it to that heart-sinking sight of another nervous,smiling young face at my door.

NotOurRabbit · 14/11/2011 17:34

clawdy I agree, the lads who come with tea towels etc. are working for peanuts, their income from this probably doesn't affect benefits they receive but even so.
I do prefer them to the slick, arrogant (twonks) who come from the big companies. They are not polite IME. My radar for fake Pity seekers is quite good I think and the teatowel lot always seem a bit downtrodden over here ( and always polite).

sozzledchops · 14/11/2011 18:08

if someone else is benefitting I'd rather just bung them a few quid as a donation they can stick it in their pocket. Be nice to know the truth behind this.

mycatsaysach · 14/11/2011 18:16

sorry to hear about what happened to your nan girlwithllama

i don't have much of an opinion on this but a few years ago my neighbour called the police after finding one of these sellers poking around the back of her house after not getting an answer from the front door.hmmmmm dodgy.

marriedinwhite · 14/11/2011 18:24

Never buy at the door. Never give money to beggars. But on a cold day I have been known to nip into a cafe and buy them a cup of tea! Never speak to chuggers. Do we have regular monthly direct debits set up for charities we have talked about and have decided to support - yes.

billgrangersrisotto · 14/11/2011 18:30

Slightlyreluctant - what makes you so sure they're legit? We've had 2 round in the last few months claiming to be ex offenders and as X town probation, they're selling door to door to get work experience. Actually, a friend works for same X town as a probation officer, and he has said it is a complete scam, this sort if thing would never form part of their probation conditions.

I don't understand why that's in the sales patter. It makes me scared and all I can think is that I have an (ex) criminal at my door. I'd be very reluctant to get my purse out in front of anyone at the door, let alone someone who is still on probation (not meaning to be judgy here, I'm just very wary about these sorts of things).

I would never buy anything at the door anyway.

queenrollo · 14/11/2011 18:45

what billgrangersrisotto said.
My DH works for Nacro and I told him about this last time it was brought up on the forum.
Most agencies that work officially with ex-offenders do not run or endorse these kinds of schemes. It's basically some bloke seeing an opportunity to exploit ex-offenders and make a fortune out of them.

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