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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect FIL not to take the dog out for a 2hour walk while we visit?

66 replies

dimplebum · 14/11/2011 11:18

We try to make sure that we visit PIL s every week, at least once a week. Id like DSs to see them more often TBH especially as they see my parents 2-3 times a week, sometimes more, but with work etc its not always easy.

However, we always visit them on a friday afternoon, as it is the most convenient time for both of us. Well last friday when we went, we were only there for 10 minutes and FIL announced that the dog needed walking, he put on his coat and off he went.

DS1 was upset by this as he loves to go play with his grandad. I thought he might ask DS1 to go with him (DS2 is only 11mo) but he didnt.

An hour an half later, he still hadnt returned and DS2 was getting tired so we had to leave. We asked MIL if everything was ok and she said everything was fine but FIL does like to make sure the dog has had a good walk before it gets too dark. Nothing was said before hand to upset him for him to just up and leave. The only thing I can think of is the dog was getting very restless (its still a very young dog) and boistrous and yes, it probably did want a walk, but couldnt it have waited until we left?

They only see their GC once a week for a couple of hours, I was so upset that he put the dog first. We went home with a very upset DS who didnt get to play marbles with his grandad Sad

AIBU?

OP posts:
toboldlygo · 14/11/2011 13:20

You see them a lot anyway, he was possibly doing you a favour by removing young boisterous dog from the equation with presumably young bositerous children, he may have been rowing with MIL/a bit fed up for whatever reason, probably not to do with you/a bit under the weather and not up to dealing with visitors, lastly it can be difficult at this time of year to fit the dog walking in with the dark nights so yes, sometimes you do just have to drop everything and go before it gets dark.

Therefore, YABU. If it happens again you could always suggest that you all go along and stop off at the park or the pub on the way home.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 14/11/2011 13:22

he doesn't like you OP. he never has. he told me so himself.

fgs there could be any number of reasons that are sod all to do with you. sometimes people want to do stuff that otehr people would rather they didn't get over it.

ceebie · 14/11/2011 13:27

Well I think YANBU and I feel for your poor DS. If he knew when you were visiting, couldn't he have walked the dog earlier, or a short walk if dog was boisterous and another short walk after you'd left.

Next week phone the evening before and say that DS is looking forward to having some time with Grandad, what time will the dog be walked so you can visit when he's in.

Bestb411pm · 14/11/2011 13:39

Stop over thinking it.

If he does it every visit for the next two months then maybe you have cause to consider why he doesn't want to be around you, otherwise it was just a case of a man walking his dog, hardly a subject for group therapy.

HerdOfTinyElephants · 14/11/2011 13:43

YABU. Most dogs need a couple of long walks of an hour or two each every day, and sunset is around 4pm at the moment so there's a limited window of opportunity. If your DS1 is up to walking that far, why not suggest to your FIL that he goes along?

Sandalwood · 14/11/2011 13:54

yabu
Maybe he was going somewhere else and used walking the dog as an excuse because he didn't want to tell you where.

cuteboots · 14/11/2011 13:58

YANBU My stepdad does the same thing when we go over on a sunday. I always think how bloody rude and if he knows we are coming could he not not walk the dog a bit earlier. I dont really get on with him that well anyway and go mainly to see my mum but even my son picks up on it and says" I dont think Grandad likes us"

PowderMum · 14/11/2011 21:38

My parents dog needs a walk every afternoon (or she'll get even fatter). If we go round on a winters afternoon then either DMum or DDad will be out with her. This is not because they don't want to see us but because you don't walk a dog over the fields and through the woods after dark.
YABU

exoticfruits · 14/11/2011 21:52

I would have thought that you could relax with family and not worry. You could always volunteer to go with him.

DoMeDon · 14/11/2011 22:52

YANBU - you go once a week. It is rude to go out for the entire time your visitors are there. YWBU to make a fuss about it. He may have had his reasons, may be set in his ways, etc. See what happens next time and mention how much DS islokking forward to playing marbles next time as he missed it last time.

DoMeDon · 14/11/2011 22:54

Also, yes the dog needs walking but there are 24 hours in the day, OP was there for 2 of them ffs

HerdOfTinyElephants · 14/11/2011 22:59

There are 24 hours in the day, but only around 8.5 hours of daylight at the moment. And the dog will need two walks in that time (or the FIL has to do long walks in the dark).

Original poster
dimplebum · 14/11/2011 23:18

Thanks for all your comments, I didnt make a big fuss over it. We asked MIL about why he had left and if everything was ok so I think she got the notion that we thought it was a little odd. I was just a bit miffed as DS was upset. Hes only 3 and didnt understand.

As long as it doesnt become a regular thing then I am totally fine with it, maybe he just needed some time away.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 15/11/2011 07:46

As he is only 3 yrs I think that you can easily explain that Grandad and the dog have other things to do sometimes.
You make him sound like a little prince who must be the centre of attention rather than a member of the family who just fits in.

purplepidjin · 15/11/2011 07:56

A boisterous puppy is dangerous to children - it could nip, bite, jump all over them.

I think your FIL was quite sensible to take the dog out to exercise it. I'd hate to see another "AIBU to think my PIL's dog should be put down because it bit my toddler" Sad

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 09:57

actually OP it is likely to 'become a regular thing' for the next few months at least. as other posters have said, there are only so many hours of light during winter and the dog needs walked everyday. it isn't fair that the dog suffers just because you visit in the afternoon. and it isn't as if both of them left you alone in their house to do it. MIL was there. i think you need to realise that life doesn't stop just because your son has arrived. people have things they need or want to be getting on with.

googietheegg · 15/11/2011 10:13

SO many posters seem to think that saying 'DC was upset' means that everyone else should fit in with what they want...maybe FIL just wasn't in the mood for playing with you DS. I know that seeing my nephew is sometimes a pain because he is rather pampered and it's just annoying having to do whatever he wants because everyone else dare not upset him. Please don't let your DS be that child as it'll do him no favours as an adult.

Original poster
dimplebum · 15/11/2011 10:39

Maybe its just me then, but I honestly think putting 2 hours aside per week to spend time with your GC is not asking a great deal.
In fact it is normally only an hour that we stay, we stayed longer last weekend thinking FIL would come back after a short walk and we would at least be able to say goodbye to him.

Like I said previously, I dont mind if it was just one of those days - where maybe FIL wanted some time out. But if it is to be a regular thing we may have arrange a more convenient time when the dog has already been walked.

I know days are getting shorter but as he is retired, I would have thought he could make sure the dog has already been walked before we come.

OP posts:
HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 10:51

"But if it is to be a regular thing we may have arrange a more convenient time when the dog has already been walked."

yes, now you're getting the hang of it. you have to adjust your visits to their house according to their routine if you expect to have their full attention.

"as he is retired, I would have thought he could make sure the dog has already been walked before we come"

what so because he is retired he should have nothing at all to do during the day? he should arrange his routine because you find the afternoon convenient to visit? how would you feel if PIL found 7am on a sunday a convenient time to visit you? would you be happy to get up earlier, get ds dressed and fed and be prepared to entertain them for 2 hours at 7am?

Original poster
dimplebum · 15/11/2011 11:17

7am on a sunday morning would be absolutely fine with me - because for the sake of an hour a week to see family and for my DCs to be able to spend some quality time with their GPs - I would make sure that we were up and ready (we generally are anyway)

OP posts:
Original poster
dimplebum · 15/11/2011 11:20

Just to add, the time that we go every week (friday after work) was a time that we all agreed (US AND PILs) would be best for everyone. Now I do see with the winter closing in, we might want to rearrange but I dont want you thinking it was all on our terms - quite the opposite. To add to that, we also always ring beforehand too, just to check we are still fine to come before we set off.

OP posts:
HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 11:24

well, friday afternoons clearly aren't fine with your FIL as he needs to walk his dog then. the dog that lives withhim and depends on him for excercise. the dog he committed to caring for when he got it.

look routines change. some gradually some suddenly. i usually go to my parents' on a friday evening. sometimes they are doing other things, sometimes i am. neither of us takes it personally if the other can't make it or be there, sometimes i go out and one of my parents has something on or loads to do in the house. i dont take it personally. people have lives. they dont stop just because a grandchild now exists. they have more to their lives than your son. there is no way i could commit to being in my house every friday afternoon indefinitely. no way at all.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 11:26

and usually when i do go to my parents' house, my dad will say hello to my dcs, maybe have a coffee with us and then go out to his garage to work. sometimes my dcs will go with him and 'help' (he doesn't mind this, he is just pottering at cars) and sometimes they will stay in the house with me.

misdee · 15/11/2011 11:30

been walking my dog earlier due to it getting dark earlier. so rather than a nice long evening stroll in the summer, its a brisk walk round in the afternoon, a good hour for a short walk.

GobblersKnob · 15/11/2011 11:32

Whilst I would hope most grandparents love their grandchildren, please bear in mind that they also might find them quite irritating or annoying.

I can hardly tolerate my nephew at all and he is very small.

Not everyone is thrilled to see children all the time.

All children seem to drive my Fil up the wall, he can put up with them for a bit, but also finds lots of ways to have time out when we visit.