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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say 'not tonight dear'

42 replies

colliwobble · 13/11/2011 20:10

I am nearly 40, still young i know. my sex drive is on the decline. dh has never had a high drive. Also I am the only one getting up early with the kids, doing any childcare. On top of that we dont connect for weeks and weeks at a time.
After a night of drinks (4 wines), followed by a coffee, followed by my parents lingering on after babysitting for nearly an hour, we were finally alone by midnight. within minutes he asked for some nooky. I said that it was hard to jump straight in, that we needed to connect first (meaning a kiss and a cuddle, deep down i meant generally) . and he hasnt really spoken to me much since. he says he will never ask again. I hate that it is only ever on offer late at night after drinks, there is nothing energetic which appeals to me once the dc's are asleep. I dont think i have ever refused before, but i thinking hes reading way too much into it. like it is the end of something. should i have just got on with it? after all it doesnt happen much.

OP posts:

Minshu · 13/11/2011 20:15

He just asked? Like he was asking for a cup of tea? Not very romantic... YANBU (said the ttc woman who informs her DP of the requirement at certain times of the month).

So, at the risk of being a pot calling a kettle black, can I suggest that the pair of you need to talk about ways to rekindle your desires - probably starting with reconnecting emotionally.

TheOriginalFAB · 13/11/2011 20:16

I remember it felt a really big deal the first time I said no to DH. He took it like a grown-up though. Your dh is being daft. Talk to him when you are calm and have privacy. Remind him that men and women can be different about sex and for you you need to feel X and have Y before you feel you can shag.

And YWNBU.

squeakytoy · 13/11/2011 20:18

Did you actually say to him "no, we need to connect" [confuse]

That sort of psychobabble would really infuriate me if I were your husband.

nooka · 13/11/2011 20:24

I think that you need to sit down together and talk about how you are both feeling. Why you are so disconnected as a couple and why your dh isn't doing any of the childcare. Generally speaking in a relationship you need to have strong feelings of love between you before you have a good sex life. It sounds like there are some more deep seated problems in your relationship than a one of 'not tonight dear'.

Sleepyspaniel · 13/11/2011 20:44

TBH I have found that the less you do it, the less you feel like doing it.

I think if you try to have any conversation about your sex life (or lack of) it won't help, in fact it could make things worse. You do need to talk but you are likely to both be more receptive to what each other has to say if you have had a recent encounter because you have that "centre" or reference point, which is fresh, rather than casting back to whenever you last had sex in the past, or even worse, when you turned him down.

If I were you? I would probably just take the plunge. The sooner the better. Even if it's the most basic sex you can muster. It will be enough to rev the engines (and surprisingly you might even enjoy it).

You must try to get this back on track pretty soon. Yes I know it's both of you, but you can only control what you do - not what he does, and unless you want to continue with the unsatisfactory situation you have right now, someone needs to DO something and there's no reason why that someone can't be you.

On a physical note, I have spent a long periods off the pill and long periods on the pill and without a doubt I have less libido when I'm on the pill. Maybe this could be affecting you too, if you're on the pill?

Original poster

colliwobble · 13/11/2011 20:45

minshu - yes he usually just says shall we have some, like shall we watch telly.

squeaky- i said i needed a bit of a build up, to have had some closeness or effection before hand. He responded 'im not buying you chocolates and flowers' which would have been funny had he not been so serious. it was down hill from there.

thanks for the quick response everyone, I am in my room plucking up the courage to talk to him. I am a talker but he is not so I have to tread carefully - one sniff of critisism and he shuts down.

OP posts:

Original poster

colliwobble · 13/11/2011 20:49

sleepyspaniel - do you not think i should let him no i wasnt 'off' him, just wasnt in the mood? he can do the silent thing for days and ive had enough (was friday)

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 13/11/2011 20:50

Great post from SleepySpaniel.

I've been in your husband's position, OP, though I hope I didn't say it as bluntly. I was rejected and it's the most awful feeling. Yes, he could have gone about it in a better way, but he'd probably been waiting all that time when your parents were there chatting.

I remember reading an article about a couple who decided to have sex every day whether they wanted it or not - their relationship improved massively. I'm not married now but I think that is a really, really good idea to make you close.

Don't be hard on your husband. Try to understand how awful it is to be rejected.

marriedinwhite · 13/11/2011 20:58

Oh dear. Mine's a bit like this. Bear in mind it was the first time you said no. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It might have been better to say you were really tired and left it at that. The following day might have been better for the chat. I think I'd give him a kiss and a cuddle and some nooky and talk to him once he thinks he's got the upper hand again. May be you need to show him how to connect. We have been together for 23 years and they can be utterly hopeless. Goodness, he'd be so cross if he knew I had written this! I will probably also be in for a flaming.

dementedma · 13/11/2011 21:09

op you have my sympathy. If you don't deliver you get the silent treatment...god, that's familiar. It's your body,you have the right to say no when you're not in the mood. You are not his property. Tell him that the way he is treating you now makes you even less likely to want sex with him ever again!

NinkyNonker · 13/11/2011 21:17

I don't think Yabu at all. You have the right to decide not to have sex and he should take that like a grown up. If you force yourself you may resent it and him.

Original poster

colliwobble · 13/11/2011 21:21

imperialB - yes it is hard, i gave up making moves on him maybe a couple of years ago because 'such a program iscoming on soon' (or the like) got hard to handle. I dont remember refusing him before, but he can give me the silent treatment over much lesser things too, so its hard to know how upset he is.

thinking of apologising for handling it not so well and telling him that I was not giving up on sex, it was just one night. except i dont want to be afraid to refuse when im in my eighties! surely he can see that women change as they get older.

nooka - you are right, we do have issues, but as i say he is not talker and we will never sort them out. keep smiling, keep smiling, keep smiling

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 13/11/2011 21:32

Frankly, OP, if you are in your 80s and still with him, he's VERY unlikely to be asking for sex.

I really hate the passive aggressiveness of silent treatment, but on this particular issue I'd say snuggle up to him, say that you didn't mean you didn't EVER want sex, just that you were tired.

Mollydoggerson · 13/11/2011 21:40

I say no all the time, my partner would like sex every niht. I don't see the bi deal with sayin no at all.

Tell him to cop on.

RosemaryandThyme · 13/11/2011 21:44

Are their other men and women around either of you could have a bonk with ? There is lots of swaping and changing where I live for some folks and it seems to suit those involved. Doesn't need to upset your marriage or family life at all, just lets off a bit of steam - and would give you both something new to chat about.

Original poster

colliwobble · 13/11/2011 21:49

just got a frosty reception before even the subject came up. I have just said 'this is turning into something it is not, let me just explain'. the reply was 'it already is something, i dont know you anymore' and if you tlk to me im walking out'

where to go from here?

how long can i hide in my room?

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 13/11/2011 21:52

Two issues here.

Should you refuse sex if you don't feel like it? Absolutely. I can see if he doesn't initiate often then he might have built it up in his mind to be a bigger deal than it needed to be, but still. You're allowed to not be in the mood!

Silent treatment - immature and not on. In fact, saying it's childish, I'd discourage it in a 6 year old - it's a very passive aggressive way to treat someone. It's actually a red flag for controlling/manipulative behaviour, especially as you say he does it over little things and you never know how upset he is.

On the refusing sex thing, if I'm not in the mood but could be persuaded and DP is already at a way higher level of "interested" than I am I'll often challenge him to "get me in the mood then" - which kind of means, start with a cuddle or a massage or whatever and we'll see where it goes. If it's a flat no though, it's a flat no, and it's never been an issue.

ImperialBlether · 13/11/2011 21:53

Oh for god's sake, if he's going to be like that! What's he on about, that he doesn't know you any more?

Ignore him tonight. Tomorrow, when he's at work, send a message saying, "I wish you'd talked to me last night. Nothing good ever came of not talking. Why don't we have a chat tonight, in bed?"

BertieBotts · 13/11/2011 21:53

He's being a childish twat. Tell him to walk out then. Or ignore him.

Nagoo · 13/11/2011 21:54

rosemary your posts made me something to think about there OP, no?

I have said no loads of times, my DH doesn't get a sulk on, he just tries again the next time! YANBU.

I do agree that getting started is sometimes the best way to regain your enthusiasm. It's not that I don't want it, it's that I CBA. You have to overcome the lethargy.

I remember before I was married, when you'd go to work knackered because you'd been up all night shagging. I never moaned about being tired then! I'd like to get that back.

emkana · 13/11/2011 21:55

I think he is being a complete arse and I can't believe some of the responses you've had. First time ever you refused and it's just not good enough? Should have been a good wifey and seen to his needs... No matter if he cares about your need to talk and connect. I'm sorry you're going through this. I would ignore him tbh for a bit, just be businesslike and polite, and let him stew for a bit.

ramblingmum · 13/11/2011 21:56

I'm another one who has said no more times than I can remember. I do like sex but I do need to be in the mood and I like my sleep, were as dh would like it everynight. It has caused problems in the past, but dh seems to have come to terms with it and also worked out the hadder he pushes me the more I refuse.

peeriebear · 13/11/2011 21:57

It sounds like he's been sitting on something that's bothering him. The problem here isn't you, it's him, whatever it is. You are entitled to say "I feel tired and we haven't connected in a while"- you didn't shove him away in revulsion FFS!

AlwaysWild · 13/11/2011 21:57

You do not have to have sex when you don't want to.

Why would anyone want to have sex with someone who didn't want to have sex with them?

I could say no to my partner any time. He would accept it. If he sensed I wasn't keen, he would stop. I cannot comprehend anyone who would want to have sex with someone who is unwilling but gives in due to giving them the silent treatment.

Nagoo · 13/11/2011 21:59

Why are you hiding?

It is him that doesn't want to talk. Just go and plonk yourself on the sofa and watch telly, do whatever you want to do.

Be normal. He's acting like a child, don't drop to his level.

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