End of tether and worried sick

[fit2drop]

So last June I wrote this

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1236704-LONG-and-ranty-sorry-But-AIBU

I have pasted that link so readers have a history of DSD.

Since that thread it was agreed that she pay £35 a week which she started paying in July . Occasionally she has paid on time , mostly is late and usually its a tenner down because of insert excuse of choice here.
I have not made a fuss because to be fair she spends most days at her BFs ,(I need another thread for that , we have never met him and I have just heard he has recently come out of prison for knifing someone so I am worried sick )

All her post comes here, I recently noticed she was getting monthly letters for T-mobile which meant she had changed her provider. However she insisted she was on pay as you go and no contract was involved as we have always insisted that the kids cannot get any credit related stuff using our address. We have always prided ourselves on not getting into debt and never been black listed.

She came home this weekend and left a letter (in the bathroom, so I guess it was accidental) I saw it and to be fair I should not have read it once I realised it was to her but I make no excuses for that because once I saw it was from a debt collecting agency I felt I had every right.

The debt is from T-mobile who have passed it on to debt collecting agency after numerous attempts to come to some agreement with her regarding payment.
they disconnected her phone on 18Th October.
The amount she owes is almost £300!!
I am so angry , DH does not know, he will go ballistic.
Does this mean our address is already black listed ?

She still has a phone so must have changed her provider again!

I feel I am keeping secrets from DH which is something I have never done, but he does not know about this nor the fact that her BF did time for stabbing someone.

Its my dd who told me that as dsd told her and then said but don't tell anyone . So If I say anything, DH will definitely have it out with dsd and dsd will know that dd told me and that will create an almighty row and friction between them and the extended families which are joined through step relationships. My children and his will obviously take sides with their blood.

I am sick with worry..... yes I know I should not have read the letter but please AIBU regulars , please don't be too harsh with me on that one as that is not the issue here at the moment.
I should not have, but I did and now I cannot unknow the info no more than I can unknow the info re her BF because someone told me.

Well done and thank you if you get this far but I did not want to drip feed info and also needed to write it out to make some sense of it myself.

Thank you for reading

It is the person that is blacklisted, not the property.

I'm not sure that's true. I got a CCJ against my name when young and stupid and my mum's home/contents insurance went up as a result.

really? We have CCJs and a (now spent) bankruptcy and it has never affected anyone else in the household.

Hmmm... why are you so cross? It is HER debt not yours. So yes I think you are BU. Let it go... I am also pretty sure that both name and address need to match on a credit search, I would be very surprised if it affected you in any way.

Very naughty to go snooping as well. I am (not that) much older and I would go ballistic if anyone rooted around my private financial matters. (BTW I owned by first house at 26 and had been renting since 20, so what's going on?)

I think that you should STOP enabling her behaviour and let her sort her own mess out. Looks like a lesson which has been overdue for way to long.

Also, I do write from experience. My (near) alcoholic brother is 32 and still lives at home.

Unfortunately yes,your property can be blacklisted for someones debt. Even if it's not yours it is registered to your address.

If I were you I'd actually ring the debt collection agency and tell them your DSD does not live at the address and you don't know where she is. It may go some way to helping with the debt/address thing.

I think you have no option but to tell your hubs about the debt. He's her father,and it's going to have to be sorted,sooner rather than later. Unpaid debts do nothing other than rise and effect any credit rating more and more.

You'll have to tell him. I'd also mention that you heard from (insert random relative here..friends child etc) that the BF has a record,but i'm not sure it's wise to do it without proof. It might not be true.

I wouldn't call it snooping if t was left in the bathroom

I would be livid but would just have a word and say she needs to sort herself out if this sort of stuff is going to come to your address

*stellapunk"I am cross/worried because the letter is in our address. So she has certainly gone against a house rule about getting credit attached to our address.
I am not enabling her behaviour, she has done this secretly.
I explained I was NOT snooping. She left /dropped the letter in the bathroom, so why she was reading it in there is anyones guess, I picked it up ,(it was not in an envelope, just a folded page ) opened the page and saw it was Dear miss J but could not help but notice the massive heading of the debt collecting agency... it was then I read on and I agree I shouldnt , but I did because it was in our address!
As for asking "whats going on"? i have no idea. all I know is I am worried sick,
I had a mortgage at 18 and three kids by 21 so I know about resposibility and taught my kids accordingly, but my dsd was 18 when I came into her fathers life, did not live at home and was independant.

well you found the letter in the bathroom so you don't have to involve your dd.

i think you should tell your dh and get him to sort it out.

You don't allow your kids credit at their house?

Anyway, it really isn't the end of the world. I would tell your husband about the debt and let him deal with her.

Ok... well as you say, she broke a house rule but it is still HER debt.

It is reading other peoples private correspondence though isn't it? No matter where she left it IMHO. And how will you broach that with her? I would imagine that there's a god almighty row waiting to happen.

Look OP, you DSD is 27. Isn't it about time she started taking responsibility for herself? BTW why don't you get a credit check done and ensure that nothing in that debt has been attached to your file.

Sorry, don't want to seem overly harsh but I am singularly failing to see the point other than she has broken a house rule. But she's been breaking them for a while now because she hasn't been keeping up with her rental payments to you. isn't this the larger picture, that she is failing to be responsible and you are enabling that behaviour?

Re: other point concerning boyfriend and time in prison. I would urge her to be upfront with her father. But again, that is surely her business to manage as she sees fit. Or am I missing the point again?

I hope that this works out for you. Please try not to worry :)

Ninky there is a difference between credit and debt, and this is clearly debt having been passed to a collection agency for non payment.

I know , the OP said they didn't allow the kids to have credit agreements at their home address.

"However she insisted she was on pay as you go and no contract was involved as we have always insisted that the kids cannot get any credit related stuff using our address."

I found this unusual because my parents always saw their home as our home, and felt it was important we were treated like adults, whereas in this instance she has to have more expensive pay as you go. It is important to build a credit rating in order to get mortgages etc, so my parents started this process at home. I knew the consequences if I let them down.

Yeah Ninky but I bet you weren't 27.

OP, bite the bullet now with her, it will only get worse if you let this situation drag on.

ninkynonky it is not her house , It is mine and my husbands house. She lives here after coming back to live after a failed relationship . That was explained in the link , sorry if I was not clear.
*Stellapunk" you are not being overly harsh, rather you are saying it how you see it and I thank you for your input.
I honestly did not know who the letter belonged to until I saw her name, it could easily have been for my dh or even myself , I was confused as I opened it wondering what the heck a letter was doing on the bathroom floor anyhows. But I can see my looking at it rather than picking it up , not looking and putting it straight in a bin will become the issue rather than the fact she has accrued a debt at our address risking us getting black listed.

Her dad id going to be furious, the fall out will be immense and I am not sure I can handle that. But how can I not tell my DH because it will come out eventually and if he finds out I knew he will be rightly pissed off with me too.

I can and will check re the bf thing , I can google the local paper archives with his name, it would have been reported on in the local media.

"It is the person that is blacklisted, not the property."

This is true. You only have to look at the q&a recently on MN to see this also

"A relative was using my address as a postal address (moving around a lot) and has now gone bankrupt. They have not changed the address on their accounts despite my requests and I'm concerned my credit file will be marked. I have completed a financial dissociation with all three main agencies and written to the banks/other companies as their letters arrive. They are ignoring me though - and still the post arrives - anything else I can do?

Caroline: You shouldn't need to worry about your own credit report at all. This is because, these days, credit checks take place on people and not on addresses. People can be linked through credit checks, but only if they choose to link up their credit reports by taking out joint credit. I'm guessing this isn't the case here, so your own credit history will not be affected by your relative."

www.mumsnet.com/qanda/understand-your-credit-rating

No, (though I did live in the annexe at home for a few years while at Uni in my early twenties, about 23 to 26 and obviously had credit things there) but surely even more reason to be treated like an adult? Besides the OP said 'the kids', which implied to me that there were others, not just the dsd.

I'm not saying that her breaking of the house rules isn't a bad thing to do, at all, just saying that I personally find this an unusual approach and not conducive to encouraging an adult outlook on things.

I don't think you did anything wrong in reading that letter. You didn't go looking for it and I defy anyone to stop reading if they open a piece of paper and see a huge debt collection notice for their address across the top.

I would tell my husband what I found and about the bf. He is her dad and you should not be put in a position where you have to lie to your husband about his own child. Everything should be straight between the two of you.

My personal feeling is that it's time she moved out.

God no, I'd have read it too, human nature I think.

I think you're taking on your DSDs responsibility for if her Dad hits the roof about it.

This is a grown woman who made the choices to run up a £300 debt, and did it from your address when you'd asked her not to.

I don't think it's snooping to look at what a piece of paper on your bathroom floor is, maybe she wanted to tell you but didn't know how?

I would say to tell your DH about it, and why you didn't tell him straight away, because there's no reason for you to get any shit for what his 27 YO daughter has done.

It's not fair you've been put in the situation.

WRT her boyfriend though, hmmmm, could it damage the relationship you have with your DD if you break her confidence? (even though she broke your DSDs)

It's a question of whether you regard the debt and her boyfriends prison record to be two separate things, because I would probably not tell him about that for fear of your DD never telling you anything important again.

Could you talk to your DSD about telling her Dad herself? But then it's her relationship and none of his business...

Just wanted to add that your dd shouldn't have told you about dsd's bf and then asked you not to pass it on to your dh. she has put you between a rock and a hard place, which is unfair. I think though, that in telling you, she is worried and wants you to take care of this and the best way to do that is to share with your dh.

She cannot moan at you for breaking a confidence, because that's what she did, when she told you.

Thank you everyone for opinions, You have all given me food for thought and enabled me to be less emotional about it think more about the right way of dealing with this.

I will talk to dsd, and tell her I will tell her father , however I will give her the choice of telling him first.

I am struggling with being keeping information from my husband that I believe he should know.
I understand that he relationships at her age are none of our business, but she saw fit to disclose it to my dd and also she has introduced him to other members of our family but we have not yet met him . I think that speaks for itself.
I can see that it looks like its because we would be less tolerant , but to be fair with her history of being in abusive relationships and us being the ones that have bailed her out she knows her dad will rightly or wrongly give her the riot act.
zigzag you are right to mention dd breaking dsd's confidence but I all but dragged it out of my dd when I realised she was upset and worried about J.
But yes I am worried about the consequences of me repeating what my dd told me
She didn't want to tell me but felt torn between what she has been told and J's safety. I will check it out but my dd has no reason to lie, she loves her ss but is worried about a drastic change in her these last few weeks.

'us being the ones that have bailed her out she knows her dad will rightly or wrongly give her the riot act.'

You helping her out when she needed you the most gives you no authority over what she chooses to do with her life, although I can understand your concern for her.

Unless you only did it on condition she obeys what your DH has decided is right for her?

Saying he'd read her the riot act is very overbearing to me, she's a 27 YO woman, I wouldn't tell someone who thought they had the right to lecture me anything either.

Your DH might think she needs a lecture, and there might even be something in wanting to talk to her about her life, but that's entirely her decision.

No agentzigzag we did not only help her out on condition that she obeys us.
However the constant messing up of her life and then us bailing her out has in monetary cost been into thousands, so regarding that I believe her dad would be justified in giving the riot act however old she is.

However I agree you are right re her relationships. Her dad and I do not and never will tell her who she can see or socialise with, but mjy concern is that this man is violent, he knifed a guy because he got annoyed with him, I am not saying he would hurt J. but if he did and my husband found out I knew his history and had not told him he would rightly be angry with me and also I don't think I could live with myself if anything happened.
I know there is nothing we can do, she will stay with him regardless of our feelings which is fair enough, its her life.

I am not even sure anymore what I am feeling , anger, fear, annoyance or just plain old parent impotence . I just know I feel sick to my stomach.

karma It was bad english but where I put "Its my dd who told me that as dsd told her and then said but don't tell anyone " I meant dsd told dd not to tell anyone.

She added that bit, AFTER she had told my dd, in all fairness when the kids say they want to tell me something in confidence I always say, well ok but if I feel your dad needs to know I will tell him.

So my dd will know that I may tell my husband but my predicament is that my dsd will then know that my dd broke her confidence albeit she stipulated that, AFTER telling her
However I agree that DD breaking that confidence (for all the right reasons ) has put me inbetween a rock and a hard place.

Thanks people, it helped to scream it out here.

I find it odd that you're more concerned about your credit rating than what's going on in your DD's personal life TBH. The thread about her boyfriend's criminal record should have come first imo. If you're this fixated on and controlling about finance, it's small wonder your DD cares little for managing money.