I have been with my DP for almost 7 months. After being with an abusive ex our relationship is like a breath of fresh air. We get on really well, agree on almost everything and enjoy just being together. Our relationship got serious very quickly and we are head over heels in love. He had a major heart attack a few years ago and had an angina attack a few weeks ago. His GP has put him on the waiting list for more investigations and he is understandably very scared. He had counselling after his heart attack and just felt like he was returning to his old self when the angina reared its ugly head. I have been there for him the whole time.
I knew the situation when we got together and it does not change how I feel about him. I have never put my own insecurities about this onto him but in reality I am scared too. If he doesn't call me when he says he is going to (which is rare) I worry. We used to work together and his boss (my ex boss) called me a few weeks ago to tell me he had some bad news and was I on my own. I started shaking and tears were streaming down my face because I thought something had happenned to him. It turned out an old client of mine had died and he wanted me to know (I then felt guilty for feeling momentarily relieved it wasn't DP). I am scared of falling more and more in love with him and to have to deal with the fact that there is a good chance he will go before me and at a young age. I don't know if I want more DC's but he feels it would be selfish of him to have anymore children because in his words he probably won't be around to see them grow up. I am scared of bringing him into DS's life because this could affect him too if anything was to happen. All these things worry me.
I tried to broach the subject with him on Friday and he basically told me (not in a nasty way) that he will not talk about this and that him not talking about it is self preservation. He said me wanting to talk about it is selfish because is does not affect me or have the same impact that it does on him. I was crying because I hate the fact that I may have made this worse for him or made him more stressed, and also in truth for myself. I have talked to friends about this and have had a mixed reaction. One friend was bereaved at a young age and has told me to be selfish and move on. She would not wish what she went through on her worst enemy. Another friend agreed with DP and said I will probably need to be content talking to friends about this instead. However, I feel no-one really understands because they are not in this situation themselves. The only people who do really understand the whole situation are myself and DP, but he won't discuss it. I am not saying I want to talk about it all the time but I feel upset, frustrated, angry and scared all at once because no-one seems to see it from my point of view. Of course his needs come first. Stress really badly impacts on his condition. But what about me? Is it really selfish to want to articulate my worries very occasionally or should I really never be able to talk about it?